It's such a hauntingly morbid feeling that I've only come to this forum for the past few months for just eulogies that I can't contain within myself if not put to words...but if that's what it is then I'd rather not come. At all.
I've been trying to piece together my thoughts for over an hour now and my mind is so empty. I looked at the news twice, thrice, more than a dozen times and I stared at it and refreshed it and it's still there and I feel thoroughly exhausted. I threw my phone on the bed, got up and switched on the TV to somehow pretend it's a hoax.
Sushant? Sushant Singh Rajput? I can't wrap my head around this. It's disturbing to the point that it's making my skin crawl. Endlessly uncomfortable like something's lodged in my throat.
Sushant who missed his mother everyday, who wrote poems for his beautiful mother.
Sushant who raved about astrophysics, who was excited about playing an astronaut, who had a telescope at his home to look at the stars.
I've never been a fan but even I know of his struggle as an outsider and the intelligent man he was.
Now my head's spiralling with thoughts about the what ifs. This boy cracked all his engineering exams, he was a AIR topper, national Olympiad winner- he had all the brains to make it in the field. What if.. he never became an actor? What if he pursued something else... Would he been alive today? Maybe the answer is yes and that is what angers me.
You can be anybody in the world and depression can kill you but actors.. they are a lot more sensitive because their emotions are just a surface away. To tap into emotions in a blink of an eye takes years of vulnerability and Sushant was a great actor. But the way the industry treated him, ignored him... Pretty sure he wasn't a saint, nobody is and that it is afterall the way it all works- the ways of the industry and the way the world works. To go after the most vulnerable. But is ut fair it to go after the ones without resources, outsiders with no knowledge and no support to handle the pitfalls of fame and failure,no prior family ties to the business that know how to hold onto you while you go through the motions in life. The entertainment industry isn't for everyone. It's lonelier than most and its loneliest during a bitter phase.
The fact that Sushant could have been alive today had he chosen a completely different life he was very capable of having, far removed from demons of the entertainment industry is what makes it so disturbing for me.
That thought won't leave me alone. What if one could live their life, a full life if only they had chosen differently.
The trigger must have been his ex manager. People with high level of clinical depression are bound by triggers. So that could very well be it. Suicide by active depression is often an in-a -heartbeat decision when you can no longer control your mind after restraining it for so so long. It's also spiralling of months and weeks that starts taking effect.
All that matters is that he's finally free from his thoughts which must have been hell to go through. Our most beautiful possession in life is our mind... When that becomes a place you can no longer take solace in, everything falls apart. He's finally free from his version of misery and hell. For that, I'm grateful.
I have said this a thousand times on this forum. MENTAL HEALTH is not for jokes. You may hate someone with all your guts but don't ever mock someone's Mental health, DEPRESSION or ANXIETY.
KNOW THIS : The person who has had clinical depression and has come out of it, has recovered from it, giving you a chance to mock it for your own sick pleasure- they are alive because they had support. Someone listened to them. They had a family who got to know and helped. They had someone to lean on. That is why they are ALIVE today. They could have easily been dead had they never opened up. So learn to be kind. Making one less vile comment about someone's mental health won't kill you.
I just want to come back to this forum next time around when I feel like it. On a whim...just no longer for eulogies. I'm tired of this.
Everyone, be kind. Talk to you parents, friends, family. Reach out to someone who's living alone. Check on your loved ones. Constantly.
Lastly, rest in peace, Sushant. You did well.
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