Crumb by Crumb: MP/NA FF Pt5 Pg12 - Page 4

#3. Step one, you say we need to talk, he walks you say sit down it's just a talk. He smiles politely back at you; you stare politely right on through.

March 2008

"You killed him."

She spins backwards and finds him looking murderous and spits back, "No I didn't. He's in the hospital, and he's fine."

He doesn't seem to listen, or maybe he's just that angry. "You killed him," he states again. She wants to open her mouth and defend herself, but he continues, "He loves her and they were going to get married, and you killed him. He's going to wake up and not remember Prachi, she's going to keep dying inside and you've gone and killed all the feelings that he had."

"He was mine first." She says it out loud, and realizes how childish it sounds and continues, "I wanted to kill Prachi. She came in between us."

"She didn't." He says it back vehemently, and he knows it's true, "It was your idea. Your stupid idea of revenge destroyed everything, and now it has destroyed Milind and Prachi."

She marches up to him and pulls him down (and for a second it reminds him that other time when she had pushed him against the wall) and whispers close to his face, "I didn't kill him. He loves me, I love him, and I just needed to get her out of the way."

But he's angry, angrier than she's ever seen him and even though she won't admit it, it scares her a little bit. "No Ayesha," his voice is so cold it's almost empty, "you know he loves her and she loves him. Why can't you just accept that he doesn't love you anymore? Why can't you just move on and accept that he isn't and never will be yours anymore? You're ruining Prachi's life, you're ruining Milind's life, and you're ruining yours." You've already ruined my life but he doesn't say that out loud. "Let them love each other, let them be happy. They both deserve it."

She isn't defiant anymore, her eyes are almost glassy with both desperation and triumph, and he looks at her again and breaks slightly. "Why do you keep ruining everyone, Ayesha?"

And what is she to reply to that? They ruined me first seems such a petulant response and he actually wants something concrete back from her. He looks at her and his eyes are pleading, he is desperate and sometime else, she would've been happy about it. But she's stayed (against her will, but that doesn't matter) with him long enough to know that he's hurting so much, and suddenly it's not about Milind and Prachi anymore and temperature of the surroundings seems to drop.

"Why do you keep doing this?" he asks again, almost as if he is begging an answer and she pretends she can't hear the unspoken I never did anything to you, why are you killing me?. She doesn't know what to reply, because he hasn't done anything to her and he hasn't tried to mess her up like the rest of them, but she's lost as to why she had dragged him in their little poisonous web. Now it's too late to feel guilty, and what's done is done, so she doesn't say anything to him. She doesn't articulate that yes, she is sorry, at least, on some small level that he had to be the innocent bystander in their drama, and she doesn't say that she wishes she hadn't turned him into this mere chalked outline of a man, and she doesn't say that if she were to do it again, she would (probably) not involve him.

She, however, turns around and gives him no second glance. On the way, she stops near a rest-spot and tries very, very hard to concentrate on breathing and not feeling guilty, and she has no explanation as to why she loathes herself for a second.

(She calls it her Stockholm Syndrome, but really, it isn't).

March 2008

It's really, really late at night when he comes down to have a drink (he can't think anymore) and sees Neev sitting there, staring at something obscure. He wants to just pour his drink and leave, but Neev looks really sad and for a second, he forgets that they are not supposed to be friends and sits down next to him. He's too awkward to talk, and Neev almost doesn't notice him until its too late. So they both just sit there and drink scotch, and Milind almost wants to shout out. (Because when have they gotten here)

"You're miserable," Neev says, and he wants to snap back something sarcastic but this statement reminds him so much of Neev all over again and at least, they're talking. "You don't look very happy yourself," he returns, and Neev shrugs. (There it is, the classic Neev you-can-never-offend-me-and-I'd-like-to-see-you-try shrug is right there and he wants to hug him then and there).

"You know you lost your memory right?" Neev says suddenly, even though it isn't so much of a question as an introduction to something else that's coming up. He nods and Neev continues, even though he looks like he really doesn't want to. "You got married," he states, and suddenly everything from the 'Mrs. Mishra' to everyone's discomfort makes a lot more sense. "You don't remember but you got married," Neev continues, "And I'm not supposed to tell you this but you need to know. You got married to Prachi, you fell in love with her, she is your wife. Ayesha is your---nothing, she married me but now we're divorced. Prachi's father died and apparently, she and Ayesha are half-sisters. Ayesha married me because she wanted to separate Prachi and me and wanted revenge from her father, and you married Prachi because you wanted revenge and she wanted money."

He finishes there because there is nothing else to say, and that really is the nutshell. Milind looks at him for his brain is muddled up but he looks at Neev tenderly and asks, "What did you want, Neev?" and time freezes because neither of them expect that.

Neev doesn't answer and both are silent for a long, long time doing nothing but chugging their drinks (and perhaps their dreams and their lives). Milind thinks about what just happened and feels as if someone has freed him from his emotional prison, and he can never, ever be grateful enough to Neev. So he tentatively turns again and asks, "Do- Do you want to have a drink outside somewhere?" He's nervous and he isn't sure what he is trying to say but Neev shakes his head and replies with a cold, "No."

He gets up, as if he's been stung and moves away because it has only taken about ten minutes to change his life. He wonders if they would ever be able to regain their friendship (or whatever it is they had) and he wonders whether he will ever be able to love Prachi again, or if he will ever be able to get his memory back again. He wants to call Neev selfish because he's too much of a coward to take a step forward, (but how can he call that man selfish, he later thinks, when he has given up everything for everyone else.)

He doesn't know what he is anymore, and neither does he know what Neev is, or Ayesha is, or Prachi is, but they are all connected together with that thin thread of something resembling defeat, and he wonders if they'll ever feel what it is like to win again.

(It isn't too much to ask, but it's too much to take and too much to give and perhaps that's why they don't have it.)

March 2008

Later that night, he goes to Prachi's room and waits patiently for her to notice that someone besides herself is there. She finally turns and they both stare at each other for a very, very long time while he racks his brains for those eyes but finds nothing. She doesn't kick him out, and he doesn't want to go, therefore he takes a step forward and sits down.

"Neev told me everything," he begins, and she stiffens immediately because this was not supposed to happen. "We're married, apparently," he continues, and tries not to notice how hard his voice is, "And he says we're in love. That we've been in love for quite some time now." His sentences are cutting, but she can't read him enough to know what he's trying to say. He finally looks frustrated and runs a hand through his hear because all this is beyond comprehension and mutters, "I don't remember."

And there it is. Everything he's felt since his accident is out in the open. He feels so lightweight that he fears he might be dizzy, and even though something akin to a great weight has been lifted off his chest, he wonders why he still feels desperate and melancholy.

She's with him in a second, and she makes him sit and strokes his hair because finally they're making some sort of progress, and this is much better than hatred. He wishes he could relax but he doesn't remember those hands, and all he can see is flashes of emptiness which had seemed to take over such a long time ago. When he later goes back to his room after a period of silent almost-comfort with Prachi, he tries to throw up because maybe that'll make him feel better. Instead he just manages to spit over and over again, and his teeth feel bitter (so he brushes them until he draws blood). He wants to shout out every grievance (except he isn't sure what they are) but when he opens his mouth nothing comes out but a soft sigh of perjury and it isn't like a bird trapped in a cage, it's more like a bird who has been let free but the wings are still caught inside.

So he sews his lips tight and rolls back in bed, because some things are much better left unsaid, and tomorrow, he can start making progress with Prachi. It doesn't feel right, it's almost surreal and sudden, but he's not a good person and this might be his only chance at salvation.