Drowning- Shivika FF P5 PG4 - Page 3

I felt Danger put me down, I watched as the sleeve on his left arm rolled up slowly to show small, but deep incisions into the skin. I reached out for his hand, pushing his sleeve up.

"No, don't" he pulled his arm back

I felt tears sting my eyes "Tell me you're not who I think you are" I didn't want to believe that the man I had seen as a friend was actually Shivaay. It wasn't that Shivaay wasn't my friend, it was about the fact that he was. "You lied to me, why didn't you tell me who you were, all this time you comforted me and acted like you were angry at someone else when really you were angry at yourself, you left me flowers, when I spoke to you on the phone you acted clueless, why would you do this to me" I hadn't realised when but I was on my knees, fists bumping into his chest as I cried

"I wanted you to know me as someone more than the suicidal man who called you" he breathed out, not making a move to stop me

I looked up slowly "I never ever just saw you as just a suicidal man, you were Shivaay, that was it, I trusted you, why did you lie to me"

"I didn't mean to bump into you, it was an accident and when I put two and two together, I couldn't make myself leave, I wanted to know the real you, I wanted a chance to be your friend, I didn't ever want you to think I was playing with you" the specks in his grey eyes changing to a shade of silver as he placed a rough hand on my cheek

"No, don't" I moved away, my whole body shaking with fury. "Did you really think so low of me that I wouldn't want to be your friend because you were suicidal, I can't believe this" I stood up to walk away when he grabbed my arm

"Yes and you know why, because you made the assumption that depressed people are depressed all the time, if I came to you as Shivaay you would have just tried to save me, you wouldn't have ever tried to be my friend, the issue here isn't that I hid the truth, the issue is you can't see past your obsession to save a life that maybe you forgot that there is more to saving a life then chatting on a chatline in hopes they wont pop a few pills" his voice was hoarse from shouting

"When" I cleared my throat "When did I ever treat you as just someone to save" I stepped back "I always made sure to treat you like I would anyone else, yes at times I treated you as someone to save, because that is exactly what you asked me for, but you know what since you already think so lowly of me, carry on, see if I care" I pulled open my front door "Leave"

"Anika, I didn't mean it like that, i'm sorry, it's just i've never really had a friend and I don't want you to see me as a burden, I want to mean something"

I went to speak when I remembered what he had said before, he had called himself my admirer, what did he mean by that? "Wait, you said you were my admirer"

He looked slightly taken back by my question "I didn't mean"

"Am I just a friend to you"

His jaw clenched, "Look, lets not get involved in anything more, not when im ending my life soon"

"You still want to do that, I forgive you, we're friends, please Shivaay" I reached to touch his hand but he moved away, I didn't understand, I thought the issue was solved

"It won't go away, I feel like a stranger in my own body, I shouldn't have contacted you in the first place when I was so adamant" he stepped outside into the cold air

I stood teary eyed as he began to walk away, a sad laugh escaping my mouth at the irony of the situation "I never stood a chance did I, I was never going to be able to save your life"

Shivaay turned his head over his shoulder, a small smile on his face "Remember me"

I ran outside, not worrying about the cold that seeped through my feet, "Please Shivaay, please don't do this, i'll do anything" I fell to my knees, resting my forehead against his hand, I sobbed. I sobbed for what I had lost and what I was going to lose. It wasn't meant to end like this

He pulled me up "Don't cry for me, please" he wiped away a tear "I'm not worth it, I never was"

I woke up in a sweat, what a strange dream. I chuckled lowly to myself as I swept my hair into a loose knot above my head, Danger and Shivaay were never going to be the same person. I guess I had just been focusing too much on both of them that they had managed to find a way into my dreams.

XXX

I stepped into work "Has he called"

Marjorie looked up sadly and shook her head "I'm sorry love, I know how much he meant to you, have you seen your admirer yet"

I shook my head "He came to see me yesterday, that was it, but I think I fell asleep on him, when I woke up, he was gone" I sat down infront of her "Marjorie, I have twelve days left, just twelve, the time he gave me was short enough, but I wasted nearly four days mourning, and I fear it's made me risk his life" I bit back a sob as she grabbed my hands

"Trust in the lord Love, miracles happen, maybe he will call back" she soothed "But for now, coffee"

I nodded, looking over at the phone on the side, "Please just call, please just call"

Marjorie glanced my way "Love, what's that smell"

I was up in seconds, knocking her feeble body to the floor as our surroundings exploded