Sounds. It was the dead of the night and there was silence all around her, and yet all Ayesha could hear were the different kinds of sounds around her. The relentless ticking of the clock on the bedside table, the occasional hoot of a owl on a faraway tree, the constant chirping of crickets outside the window, the soft, rhythmic snores of her husband who lay fast asleep beside her - she'd been listening to all of it for the past two hours since she climbed into her bed, and it was starting to drive her a little crazy. Those sounds, and all those random thoughts running amok inside her mind - she felt she couldn't take it anymore.
"Damn it," she muttered under her breath as she sat up, tied up her hair into a loose bun and walked over to the single window in the room. She drew the curtain back and a sliver of pale moonlight fell across the dark room. It was the beginning of winter and she could already see dew drops forming on the blades of the hibiscus plants outside her window. She turned to look at the clock in dim light, though she already knew exactly what the time was - it was 5 minutes past 12. She sighed, and looked at her husband snoring peacefully, clearly oblivious to the restlessness that was building inside her. Looking at him, she felt a deep sense of sorrow well up inside her. It is funny, because marriage was easy for her. On most days she's almost happy - she's gelled in so well with her new life that she almost forgets who she was and what she had wanted. Almost.
Her husband stirred in his sleep and she looked at him expectantly, but he turned to the other side and the snoring began again. She let out a deep breath and walked over to the bedside table and picked up her phone. She turned on the Wi-Fi and connected to the home network. For a moment there was nothing on the screen, and she held her breath. And then her phone started to vibrate, as notifications and messages started to pour in. The vibrations continued for a good two minutes and she let all of them load, as she walked over to the window again.
"Happy Birthday!"
"Happy Birthday darling. God bless!"
"Ashuuu! Happy Bday my girl. Love ya loads!"
"Happy Birthday Ayesha, many many happy returns of the day!"
She scrolled through all the messages one by one, not pausing to reply to any of them. She opened her facebook account and read all the wishes there too. But she did not find what she was looking for. She did not expect to, but still just like the last year, she had hoped.
She stared at her timeline for a long moment, and then hit the search space. The keyboard popped up on the screen, and her fingers lingered over the letters. She shook her head, and hit back. After a few moments of indecision, she hit the search again and started to type.
Tarun Varma. The name popped up on the top of her search list, even before she had typed halfway through it. She tapped on his name, and his face was before her - the one she had missed so much, with the smile that could light up her day. But it was not happiness that she felt looking at him now.
"I wish our love was stronger," was his last message to her, days after she had informed him that her parents were looking for a suitor for her.
"Please try to understand. I cannot go against my parents. I just can't," she had pleaded desperately.
"Let's run away?"
"Why won't you talk to me?"
"I'm sorry!"
"Please try to understand. Please!"
"I can't live without you,"
She had texted him again and again, to no avail. She didn't know what she was trying to achieve, she had probably just wanted to hear that he understood, to assuage herself of her guilt that she did not put up a harder fight for themselves, that when it came to choosing between her parents and him, she had chosen the easier option. But he did not provide her with that luxury.
"I wish our love was stronger," was all he had left her with, along with the harsh knowledge that his love was infact strong enough, since he was all set to marry her without any qualms while hers wasn't, and it ate her up from within.
Hadn't she paid enough though? She wondered. She had chosen the first boy that his parents had selected for her, married him without a word and settled into a perfect life of marital bliss with him. She had shut off the burning hole in her heart and opened another window to let him in though he was nothing like the man she had wanted as her life partner, infact he was the opposite of what she had dreamt and yet she complied with that too, but not without a cost. These sleepless nights, where she was forced to contemplate and regret a lot of her life's decisions was one of them.
Tarun would have made her birthday special. He'd have known her well enough to do everything that would make her happy. She wondered if it was petty that she was upset about such a silly thing. It did seem inconsequential to her if she thought about it rationally, and yet it was times like these when she couldn't hold on the illusion of her perfect marriage any longer. The bubble would burst and the ugly voices in her mind would rear their heads.
Sure there'd be a birthday wish, but it wouldn't be a beautiful whisper on her ears as her mind lingered dreamily on the verge of sleep.
There would be a cake alright, but it would not be of her favorite flavor, nor it'd have the world's cutest nickname written on it.
There'd be a gift too perhaps, but it would be something that the salesman chose for him, because he didn't know better. Infact, he didn't know her at all.
Was it too much to ask? She only longed for someone to love her, a love she once had and then lost, which only made it harder knowing what she was losing out on.
What if she had not married him?
What if she had chosen a man who had the potential to be a better match for her? Her parents were against Tarun, but they did provide her with other choices. She did not however bother to find out anything about any one of them. She was so angry and frustrated at everyone - her parents, Tarun and herself that she had just selected the first of the many photos that her mother had brought to her without giving it all a second thought and that was it. By the time she realised the consequences of her choice, it was too late.
What if she had chosen Tarun? What if she had taken a stronger stand for him?
Her whole life was entangled in a series of 'what-ifs' and 'could-haves', a cage she had built for herself, one she could never escape.
"Ayesha?" His voice startled her, and as she turned she let the curtain slip from her hands, and it fell back into its place, making the room dark again.
"What're you doing there? What time is it?" He mumbled groggily.
"I wasn't sleepy so I came up for some fresh air," she replied as she hurried back to the bed. "It's late, go back to sleep. I was just about to come to bed too," she said, climbing in with him.
"Hmm," he said, and for a long time nobody spoke, so she thought he'd fallen asleep. She sighed, and checked her phone again. There were no new messages. She turned off the Wi-Fi and put it on the bedside table and closed her eyes.
"Hey, Happy Birthday."
At first she thought she was dreaming but the whisper was loud enough, and her eyes flew open. She could not make out his expression in the dark but she knew he was looking at her, and waiting for her reply. Unfortunately, she could not find her voice.
"Uhh..thank you," she managed to mutter after a long pause.
The air between them was suddenly heavy with unspoken words. She wanted to say so much more, she wanted to speak her heart out to him. Maybe he wanted to do so too? He was not a bad man, she knew that. He was distant and self absorbed most of the time but she had already learned to live with that. But what if she'd been wrong all along? Maybe what they needed was to try and connect with each other, and she could take the first step. What did she have to lose anyway?
She turned halfway towards him, took a deep breath and opened her mouth to speak but before she could get one word out, he turned to the other side. "Hmm. It's late, go to sleep now," he muttered sleepily.
Ayesha stilled and fell on her back, sighing profoundly. It was indeed late, perhaps a little too late. As she lay there staring into the darkness, she tried hard to ward off the one thought that was trying to stifle her - Tarun would have understood. Even in the dark, even when he couldn't see her face he'd have known that there was something on her mind.
But he was not here, and it was her own fault.
She heard her husband start snoring again and sighed.
"Well, for what its worth, it could have been worse," she told herself.
And with that she gave up on the battle against the demons inside her head; she closed her eyes and concentrated on the sounds around her once again. Tomorrow the happy wife would have to be back, and she'd better preserve her strength for that.
__________The end__________
Ganesh Kartikeya
Shiv Shakti
Mannat Har Khushi Paane Ki
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
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