Arnav looked for the umpteenth time at the entrance to the banquet hall in which Anjali and Vikas's engagement was being held. Still not spying the slight figure he had desperately been wanting to see, he ran a frustrated hand through his already mussed hair. Shit, he shouldn't have listened to her. He should have gone to pick her up or at least sent some one. That way he could have been sure she would be here, he thought, berating himself.
The conversation between Khushi and him the previous evening played in his mind.
"I will pick you up tomorrow evening. I need to be at the hall a little early for last minute preparations, so be ready at five " he said, without having the faintest idea of the turmoil her mind had been.
"I...I am not coming, Arnav " she had replied, biting her lip in consternation.
Disbelief and confusion held him immobile for a minute before he burst out
"Why?!
"Because...because... she bit her lip and then burst out " I don't think it's a good idea..." she turned her face and focused on a point on the floor and then said in a tiny voice " everyone will be there"
In a flash, he understood her hesitation. Pity slammed into him and his face softened. He gently lifted her face.
"Look at me Khushi "
"You are afraid of what a few old busybodies would say? You? What happened to the girl who was brave enough to climb up a pipe to ask me to run away with her? "
The words stretched between them like a vast ocean. Never before this had either of them through words or actions, ever acknowledged the shared history between them.
Arnav looked at Khushi's stricken face and felt his insides clench. In the past month of them working together, he had in turns been beguiled and infuriated by her. Her sparkling joy at mundane ordinary things which a person like him would not even notice had enchanted him. He remembered her surprised pleasure, her beaming smile and her childish excitement when she saw the ergonomic chair he had ordered for her because I had caught her rubbing her back a couple of times and felt something warm expand and fill him up in places he hadn't known he was empty. Her imperviousness to the effect she had on a common red-blooded man vexed him, sometimes almost beyond control. In between this, the glimpses of the actual Khushi behind the facade of the smiling, laughing Khushi Gupta, that he saw, had a giant fist reaching deep into him and squeezing him so hard that he was left gasping for breath.
He felt his heart bleed a little as he read the stark pain in her eyes before the shutter came down and she put on the facade of the cheerful girl.
"It was stupid...I was stupid...God!! I don't think I would have spoken more than ten times to you before that day...I just don't know how I ever thought..." she sighed and looked away for a moment and then looked back at him with an expression rivaling the sun.
"I was just silly! " she declared to him, finishing off with a small laugh, the fakeness of which came through to him like a bulldozer on a mud wall.
"Anyways...I will think about tomorrow, okay...now can we get back to work? " the cheery voice scrapped him raw and he felt a sheen of tears cover his eyes as he struggled to keep the emotions engulfing him at bay. She hadn't forgotten his words in so many years...she was paraphrasing him almost word for word.
He held her hand and gave it a little tug forcing her to turn towards him again. His voice was an agonized whisper as he said
"You weren't stupid...you weren't being silly...I was the idiot. I was too much of a coward to accept what I felt for you. I gave you the reasons I was trying to force myself to believe. I...I didn't believe what I felt was real till...till I heard my ma tell me what a beautiful bride you made. I couldn't believe it...I didn't want to believe it. I.." he forced himself to stop and swallow the rest of the words that threatened to spill. He could have said that the feelings never left him even when he had left his country, his family, and friends behind. He could have said that the feelings prevented him from never progressing more than a few casual dates. He could have said that in some corner of his heart he wished for it all to be a bad dream from which he would wake up and find her trying to climb up onto his balcony with her backpack slung up her shoulders. But something prevented him from saying all this and he held his tongue, biting it hard enough to draw blood. She was still technically married, pregnant with another man's child and not to forget, his employee. It was wrong on so many counts.
She was looking at him with those big eyes round on her face and her mouth slack. Any other time he would have found the look funny but now, he just wanted to take her in his arms and soothe her. Even as he stepped forward, he saw her pull herself together. The cloak of cheeriness she wore like an armor came back and with forced lightness, he heard her say
"Well...all that was a long time ago. Water under the bridge. I don't even know why we are discussing this now. Chalo...if there is nothing else that needs to be done right now, I will leave, I think. Vikas is waiting for me. I am going to his house to help Madhu aunty with the preparations for tomorrow. "
With a final cheery wave, she strode to the door as though she couldn't get out of there fast enough but stopped before she opened the door. She turned and looked at him with glowing eyes and said in a voice that rang with sincerity
"I will do my best to come tomorrow, okay? "
At his nod, she gave him a small smile and walked out of his cabin.
He had been waiting for her from the time he had come to the venue. She had texted him earlier in the day saying that she would be at the engagement but not to come and pick her up since a few others from work were carpooling and they could give her a ride. Where was she? He wondered tugging his collar away from his throat, a strange restlessness sweeping through him making him lose his train of thought every other minute and his eyes swiveled back to the entrance and stuck there. He felt sucker punched right down to the soles of his feet. He had to force himself to remember to breathe. The vision that floated in front of his eyes couldn't be real, could it? He liked sober colors, but from now on, red would be his favorite color. She had worn a saree...a red net like creation that had big red roses embroidered through the bottom half and the pallu. Her blouse was sleeveless with inch-wide beaded straps holding it up. Her hair was loose and reached her waist in a shimmering curtain that his hands itched to hold. Her eyes were lined with kohl and her lips were a shimmering shade of red. Her only other adornment were large hanging diamonds that twinkled like stars as she moved her head as though searching for someone. He felt the restlessness in him fade and his lips curve up as he made his way to the entrance hardly aware of the spring in his step.
Arundhati saw her son look yet again at the entrance. Who was he waiting for, she wondered, refusing to hear the little voice that whispered a name. He couldn't be, could he? Not after all these years, especially not now. She bit her lip, an anxiousness spreading through her when she saw the look of utter joy and possessiveness light up his eyes when he saw Khushi standing at the entrance.She had known it, hadn't she? Is that what they called mother's instinct, she wondered. It wasn't that she had an issue if that's what he truly wanted, but, she was a mother and like any other mother she wanted the best for her son...not that Khushi wasn't the best. It was all just so...complicated and she had wanted a smooth road for her son. The girl was coming out of a traumatic marriage and was pregnant with her husband's child. How could he cope with that? And was this even the right time for them to be thinking of all this? She just hoped her son would come out of this tangled mess relatively unscathed.
**
Later, Arnav sat on the cane chair placed in the balcony off his room and looked into the night, the events of the evening playing in his head. If anyone asked him to name one single person he had spoken to that evening, he would have had a hard time remembering. All he knew was that he had been with Khushi the entire time. He had introduced her to all his friends proudly as though she was truly his. When she had tried to make a beeline towards a few colleagues, he had caught hold of her hand and refused to let go. When one of the aunties from their neighborhood had commented about Khushi's husband and in-laws missing from the event, he had placed his hand at the small of her back and had gently patted her, encouraging without words to tell the nosy meddler to mind her own work. Of course, Khushi had stiffened at the contact but still held her smile in place while she gently diverted the aunty's attention from her to the bride and groom. Hell, he had even waited for her outside the ladies bathroom, not caring that he was the bride's brother or that anyone who passed by that way, gave him a strange look. He had pretended to overlook his dad's raised eyebrows and his mother's anxious look. He turned a blind eye to Lavanya's disappointed teary face without an iota of remorse in his heart. The only thing that he let affect him that evening was Khushi's embarrassed anger which he found amusing. She had refused to let him drive her till he threatened to fire any person who drove her home. She had huffed and puffed but finally without any other option, sat with him in the car. She refused to talk to him throughout the journey and yet, she couldn't let him go without saying bye, he recollected with a little laugh. She was a bundle of contradictions and he wanted to hug that bundle to himself and never let go. He felt a recklessness he had never before felt, engulf him. For the first time in his life, he didn't care what the world thought or what anyone else thought. She was his and he would wait till she was ready to accept it.
He saw his parents seated on lawn chairs having their tea as he came in from his morning run the next morning. Wishing them a good morning, he was just about to go inside when he heard his dad call out to him
"Arnav, beta, come here, sit with us for a minute. "
Reluctant to obey them but unable to deny them outright, he tried giving them an excuse
"I am all sweaty, let me take a shower and join you "
"Arey, it's fine beta. Come on...have a cup of tea with us "
He dragged his feet, forcing his suddenly frozen mind to think up a plausible excuse to delay the questioning which was sure to bring the euphoria of newly confirmed feelings, crashing down. There was also a part of him that still hated to disappoint his parents and he was worried that they would somehow feel let down. While he was willing to fight them and the world for Khushi, he wasn't sure if he wanted the battle lines to be drawn this early.
Arundhati handed Arnav a cup while silently gesturing Naveen to ask him what had been bothering her since last evening. He was the hot-shot lawyer after all...and shouldn't he know the right questions to ask his son?
Naveen cleared his throat but before he could say anything, Arnav forestalled him by saying in a loud clear voice
"Ma, papa, I know what this is about. You guys want to ask me about my behavior last evening, right? " He took a deep breath and continued
"Ma, I am sorry about Lavanya...that is never happening. I...I love Khushi. She...if I ever get married, it will be only to her. "
"But...Arnav..."
"One minute Aruna...Arnav, how can you be sure it is love and not pity that you are feeling for her? " asked Naveen, his lawyer's mind coming up with questions faster than a bullet train.
"It is not pity, papa, trust me. " Arnav looked away, wondering how to succinctly explain what he felt when the feelings within him bubbled, hot and explosive, threatening to incinerate all that stood in his way. Rather than pity, he felt proud of her. To face what she had faced and to still look forward to each day with eagerness and glee was not something an ordinary woman was capable of. She was unique and he needed this special woman in his life.
"Arnav, I think you are rushing into things. I know it was a shock for you to know that a girl you knew from childhood went through a really traumatic experience. It is your protective instinct you are confusing with love here. "
Naveen tried to be objective here. If his son really was sure, then he would feel nothing but happiness. Khushi had become another daughter to him in the months he had gotten to know her and he could think of no one better other than Arnav for her.
"And she is married, about to become a mother, Bagwan ke liye!! Naveen, why don't you try to explain to him that this is not that simple!! This is not his America! "
Arnav looked at his parents with a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. Of course, he knew she was not alone and she would never again be just Khushi, but he loved all of Khushi and that included the tiny life within her. How could he not love anything that was a part of her? He was sure once the baby came, he would fall in love with the baby just as he fell in love with its mother. He had no doubts in his mind.
"Ma, please! She is not married...she is going to be divorced...if I had my way, she would be a widow...but... "
Arundhati was stunned at the raw emotion she saw on her son's face for the man who had been a part of Khushi's life. He had to struggle for a minute to bring his emotions under control.
"As far as the baby is concerned, he or she is Khushi's and I love every part of her. That includes the tiny life inside her too. How could one not love a tiny defenseless being? When that is enough to evoke protectiveness and love in me, the fact that he or she will come from Khushi is enough for me to be sure that I will love him or her. "
The conviction in his voice was so absolute that Naveen and Arundhati were left staring, their emotions churning. It was a moment that every good parent looks forward to in life but only a few fortunate parents experience. The moment when the child ceases to be the student but becomes instead the master. While Naveen was proud of his son, Arundhati did not have words to explain how she felt at that moment. More than a mother, as a woman she stood wonderstruck at the man her son had become.
Naveen swallowed hard and cleared his throat. He just had one more question
"Arnav, beta, Khushi...she...has she accepted you? "
Arnav rubbed his hands over his face before answering.
"I haven't told her anything papa. This is not the right time. She's just recovering from her betrayal. Added to that are all the changes she is going through, emotionally, phy...physically.. " he let out the breath he was holding. He had read every book he could lay his hands on regarding pregnancy and childbirth when he came to know about her pregnancy.
"I.. " he found it difficult to force the words from his suddenly closed up throat.
"I am going to wait for her to recover. I don't care how long it takes " he allowed a tiny half smile curve his lips upwards.
"How long is it going to take? A year? Two years? Five? " He looked away and said softly almost to himself
" What's another five years when I've already waited for so long "
"Huh?! What beta "
Startled out of his musings, Arnav mentally shook himself. Smiling at his parents, he lightly said
"Now, if the interrogation is over, can I go take a shower? " Without waiting for their reply, he got up and walked past them into the house.
Naveen watched his son walk away with a perplexed expression on his face. Once Arnav was indoors, he turned to his wife and said
"What?! Did he just...waited so long? What did he mean by that? That's what he said, didn't he? "
Arundhati looked at her husband and with a soft smile said
"He's been waiting at least six years if not more "
"What?! "
"Nothing, baba! You finish your tea...I'll go and get started on breakfast. Ma must be done with her pooja. "
Saying that she collected the tea tray and walked back leaving her shocked husband staring after her.
**
Khushi looked unseeingly at the cars going in and out of the parking lot, one hand holding the herbal tea she had taken to drinking since learning of her pregnancy, and the other hand resting on her slightly curving fifth-month belly. Why the hell was it affecting her so much? She had already walked out on her marriage and her husband. She never wanted to see his face or the faces of his parents ever again in her life. The thought that she had allowed that man to come within twenty feet of her made her feel like she had been covered by a million creepy-crawlies. Then, why did the official document proclaiming the break-up of her marriage make her feel so low? She sighed, rubbing her hand over her belly, it wasn't just that. It was also the fact that when she had called her mother this morning, her mama had said she didn't think she could come here for her delivery. Khushi's mind had frozen on the fact that she wouldn't have anyone with her when she went in for her delivery that she barely heard her mother's reasons. She should have known, right? It was what had been happening to her all her life. They why did it suddenly hurt so much? Why did she want to shake her parents and ask them for answers to questions she had never allowed her mind to ask? It was all these stupid hormones, she decided. She had read all about them in the books a certain someone had forced her to read. They were making her weepy and emotional at times and uncomfortably hot when the aforesaid someone walked into the room. Damn!! Don't go there, Khushi, she told herself, her cheeks on fire. Such thoughts were dangerous for her peace of mind and she already had too many things going on in her life.
"What is today? Wear your sunglasses inside the office day? " she heard the voice that was giving her sleepless nights, say
She looked at Arnav and felt a burn that started at the pit of her stomach and spread everywhere. She swallowed hard even as her eyes drank in his appearance as unobtrusively as possible. He cut such a dashing figure in his low slung jeans and the thin t-shirt that did nothing to cover the rock hard abs underneath. She barely caught herself from sighing.
"Hello!!! " he came to a stop in front of her, waving his hands before her eyes.
"Where are you lost? I asked you something. " At her blank stare, he repeated the question
"What's with the colors today? Is it dress-in-your-brightest-clothes day? Did I miss the memo? " he asked with a teasing lilt in his voice.
Her face shone bright red even as her lips turned down.
"Arey!! Nothing like that...I was just feeling a little low and thought the bright clothes would brighten my mood "
"Is that why you didn't wait for me this morning and came in early to work? " he asked quietly, his mood immediately turning somber.
She looked away without answering and bit her lip, her eyes filling rapidly. Stupid tears!! Stupid hormones!!
She felt him gently pull her lip from between her teeth and ask her
"Khushi, what happened? "
She blinked away the tears before they could fall and said in a bright voice
"Nothing, it's nothing...it's just " her voice trailed off at the unnerving stare he subjected her to. She sighed and said again, in a lower tone
"It's just that my divorce became final and I received the papers last night. It's stupid, right? This was what I wanted...I could never go back to...them...that life...but still...I thought I would feel...you know...relieved...but...I feel...empty. " she finished, her voice getting lower and lower, the strain of holding back her tears making clogging her throat.
She never saw what came next. She was engulfed in a hug. She never knew when her hands came up to hold him, but there she was, suddenly holding him so tight, trying to hide herself in him. She clutched him to her as though her life depended on it and sobbed into his shoulder, crying for all the injustices life had dealt her.
"Shh...it'll be fine...we are all there for you...don't worry about anything " she heard him say. But, for some reason, the tears just wouldn't stop. Then she felt it...the tiny flutterings that felt like a hundred butterflies wings beating inside of her. Her tears magically stopped and she moved back trying to capture the moment. She moved back and clutched her stomach, trying to feel it against her hands.
"What is it, Khushi? " Arnav's concerned voice broke through. She looked up, her face reflecting the awe she felt.
"The baby, Arnav...it moved!!! I could feel it. " she saw his face transform, his eyes reflecting the excitement.
"May I? " he asked and without waiting for her answer, placed his palm over hers. She took her hand away and clutched his palm to her belly, pressing it tight, with no thoughts of impropriety or anything else but the awe of sharing the inexplicable feeling, entering her mind. It happened again, the fluttering spewing vibrations that reverberated through her. She saw the awe she felt reflect on his face, the wonder and reverence making his chocolate eyes go dark.
"That was just...oh...wow! " he said softly, his voice husky with emotions. The smile that broke on her face could have rivaled the brilliance of a thousand suns. When it happened again, he felt as proud as a strutting peacock
"That's my baby! " he said, not really cognizant of the words that slipped out.
She looked at him then, his proud, exuberant face and felt a jolt that had nothing to do with hormones right down to the tips of her toes. Suddenly, nothing felt so right, so beautiful, so perfect.
**
Arnav ran a frustrated hand through his hair. She was avoiding him. He had thought after that momentous moment a week back, they would be more comfortable with each other, that the distance that she insisted on maintaining between them would lessen. But to his horror, she had put up so much distance between them that he felt as though there was an ocean between them even when they stood right next to each other.
His anxiety and frustration had hit the roof this morning when he had come to know that she was looking for another job.
He saw her as he entered the work area, surrounded by what seemed to him, a horde of people though in reality, it was only about five or six. She was laughing at something, her laugh sounding the most genuine he had heard in a week. He felt irritation slither up his spine. What had been his fault? He hadn't said anything, not by actions or words indicated what he truly felt for her. Nor had he behaved inappropriately, then why the hell was he being punished? Though his mind cautioned him, his emotions made him impervious to caution and his voice was cold as he simply said
" Khushi, can you please come into my cabin now. "
He turned and walked back to his cabin, barely holding on to his temper.
He was pacing up and down his cabin, too agitated to sit down and there she was looking as cool as a pearl in it's shell with her laptop balanced on one hand while she struggled to hold the open notepad in the other.
"Arnav, you wanted to discuss something with me? "
His feet automatically took him forward to take the laptop from her hands. He knew he should say something, keep up the pretense, but he found that he was incapable of uttering a single word that did not pertain to them. Even as his mind cautioned him to slow down, his heart raced and stomach churned as the feeling of losing the race before even it started slipped into him. His eyes were intense, raw and painful as he turned and uttered a single question.
"Why? " the single word uttered in a low harsh voice, that conveyed all that he felt and more. She tried bluffing, falling back onto her usual veneer of chirpiness
" Why what? Why I wore this dress? Why is the sky gray? What? "
She felt her breath hitch and annoyance dodge her at his unblinking stare. She hated herself for responding to that look. Hated the thud of her heart and the need to pacify him that overtook her senses.
He clenched his teeth and bit out
"Why are you looking for another job? "
Shock held her immobile till she burst out, springing back in horror.
"I don't know what you are talking about!! " but the guilty color that rose up her cheeks gave her away. Unable to meet his eyes, she turned to leave, but he was faster than her.
"You know exactly what I am talking about. Why Khushi? What did I do? I haven't said or done anything to make you uncomfortable..on the contrary, I've gone out of my way to make you feel comfortable!
"That's it!! That's exactly the problem!! You don't understand... she took a deep breath, trying to get her erratic breathing under control.
"Make me understand. Make me understand why you would leave a well-paying job where everyone cares for you and takes care of you. Make me understand why you would leave a job where no one would bat an eyelid if you went on maternity for a year. We can work around what you want, Khushi. You just...just have to tell us...me. "
"It's not such a big deal...I just wanted.. " she couldn't do it. She couldn't lie to him. None of this was his fault...not the least. Her will crumbled in face of his determination to understand. Her jumbled mind threw out explanations that came out all garbled
"It's not your fault...really...it's all mine...no...not my fault...It's just this pregnancy...it's making me do crazy things...it's also you...you make my heart race...and my breath comes out short...I feel hot and cold at the same time...no it's not you...it's just these stupid hormones...it's making me want crazy things... " In her agitation, she had no clue what she had revealed. She failed to take note of the amused glint that entered his eyes or the twitch of his lips. She never realized when he stepped so close to her.
"What do you mean want? What do you want? " his voice had dropped to a low husky whisper that sent shivers up her spine. Her flesh broke out in goosebumps. Instinctively, she stepped back only to be pulled against him. She hadn't seen that coming. She felt hot all over. She gasped as he slowly rubbed his cheek against hers.
"Do you feel hot now? " his voice in her ear was barely a whisper.
"Yes...No... " with a cry she pushed herself out of his arms and wrapped her arms around herself. Her eyes were wide with distress and filled with tears.
"Khushi, listen to me "
"No...no Arnav, this can't happen! " she said, shaking her head from side to side. She couldn't stay here in this room one more minute. She was almost to the door when she was stopped by his voice.
"Khushi, I love you! "
***
Note:
I really thought that Chrysalis would end with this chapter but, this Arnav and Khushi have so many things to say that it would take another chapter(at the very least) for them to accept each other and move forward.
Thank you all for reading and commenting. You cannot begin to understand how much your comments mean to me and how inspired I get by them.
Next update will be posted on 9/19/2017
For readers of Holding It Together, the update will be out next Tuesday 9/12/2017. What can I say? It looks like I can think about only one story a week. Please do bear with me. I promise this one will be done in a couple more chapters maximum.
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