Payal had walked in on her one day as she was tidying Anaita's cupboard, and had asked, her face crumpled with concern and pity, whether she should get Akash to convince Arnav to hire a nanny.
"You don't need to do all this," Payal insisted emphatically.
It took Khushi a few moments before she realized the reason behind Payal's words. For her, Anaita was just a child - a shy and withdrawn child, whose smiles were heavy with sadness.
"Jiji, nobody is forcing me to look after Anaita. I do it because I want to."
Payal looked incredulous, but that really was the truth. Spending time with Anaita, strangely enough, helped take her mind off Arnav. Even when they both took care of Anaita together, she was often able to focus entirely on the little girl, and momentarily overlook his transgressions. It was only when she was alone with him, that she was reminded of how things had changed between them, and her sense of loneliness and abandonment and worthlessness became more poignant than ever.
"I promise you, Jiji," Khushi continued, "I'm happy when I'm with Anaita. And she hasn't done anything wrong... she's just a child."
"And Arnavji?"
Khushi bit her lip as she glanced down at Payal's baby bump, and willed her facial muscles to smile convincingly, "It will take time before things become completely normal, but I have forgiven him."
"You have?"
"Whatever has happened is in the past, and it was before we even knew each other. I... I appreciate the fact that he is finally trying to rectify his mistakes."
"After getting married to somebody else? He has responsibilities towards you. You do know that, right? Are you sure you're okay? You know, if Akash had done something like that, I would never - "
"Jijaji would never do something like that," Khushi said soothingly, sensing that Payal was beginning to get agitated, "Now, stop stressing. It's not good for my little nephew slash niece, right? Come, I'll take you to your room. Why did you leave anyway? Aren't you supposed to be on bed rest? Aap bhi na, Jiji!"
And thankfully, that was the end of that conversation. However, more uncomfortable conversations followed.
Akash insisted on probing whether Khushi knew who the mother was, thus managing to rub some more salt in her wounds, before proceeding to request Khushi to forgive Arnav. It took a gigantic effort on Khushi's part to not lash out at him. Anjali, for what it was worth, did not ask Khushi to forgive Arnav, given that she herself had not forgiven her brother, but she nevertheless went on to say that Arnav was not a bad person, that he was in fact self-effacingly kind, and that he had always gone out of his way to help others, without ever stopping to think of his own happiness. This utterly unnecessary speech was thereafter corroborated by Hariprakash and Omprakash who came separately to recount how Arnav had helped them and their families and how he was practically God-like. Quite predictably, Manorama Mami also came up to her, interrogating her as Akash had, but it was not so much out of concern, as it was a very transparent and unabashed attempt to obtain something to be delightfully scandalized about.
What could Khushi do, but listen quietly, and swiftly try to divert the conversations elsewhere? She could not blame them. Obviously, Arnav was, despite his faults, the son of the house, and everyone loved him and would want to defend him. As for Manorama Mami, she could not be blamed either for seeking to be entertained. Life as a perpetual housewife could get boring at times. Unfortunately, though, Mani's thirst for gossip only made Khushi feel less like a person, and more like an animal at the zoo for people to gawk at.
And perhaps even more disheartening than the way she was made to feel like an outsider by most people, was the fact that a part of her seemed to actually want to forgive Arnav.
Yes, he apologized to her on every other day, and genuinely seemed to feel bad that he was putting her through such turmoil. But his apologies were empty, meaningless. He remained as evasive as ever on his past. He never cared to explain why he had abandoned his child for so many years and hidden her away from everyone. And the more Arnav sidestepped her questions, the more obsessed she became at getting to the truth.
Try as she might, she could not shrug off the feeling that there was something very unsettling about the whole affair. It was not just the fact that Arnav had had a child out of wedlock. There was more. She increasingly felt that something was amiss, that the story was inconsistent with what she knew about Arnav. The accounts of Anjali, Hariprakash and Omprakash on Arnav's kindness and principled nature were not untrue. She could not deny either that he had done everything to make her feel comfortable and at ease, and so, it was difficult to understand why he was being so secretive all of a sudden, when it was so obvious that she felt hurt by his attitude, and when the solution to the problem was so painfully simple.
But Khushi willed herself to be strong and not give in to the urge of giving the benefit of the doubt to Arnav. She could not allow herself to melt away due to her obvious fondness for Arnav, because it was her self-respect that was at stake here. She could not allow herself to be treated like a nobody by Arnav. Payal was right. He had responsibilities towards her. They may not have had a conventional marriage, but she was still his wife, and he would have to include her into his life with due respect. And until such time as he could consider her worthy of being privy to his past, there was no reason why she should bow down and treat him like he was the centre of her universe, just because he happened to be her husband.
"Khushi?" Arnav's voice brought her out of her thoughts. He was back from the office, even later than usual, looking exhausted.
She looked at him wordlessly, defiantly.
"You haven't had dinner," he stated.
She shrugged, "I wasn't waiting for you, if that's what you think."
"I know," he said quietly, "Should I bring your dinner upstairs?"
"I'm not hungry," she said flatly, and he nodded wordlessly as he made his way to the washroom. She watched him walk away, guilt churning in her stomach. She knew that he would not have eaten, and would not eat if she did not. At first, she tried to pretend that she did not care, but a pang of concern hit her as she remembered that he was diabetic and needed to eat regularly. So she made her way to the kitchen to serve dinner, trying to convince herself that she was only being nice to him on humanitarian grounds.
Who was she fooling?
As they sat down for dinner, him on the recliner, and she on the study chair, she could not help but steal glances at him, wishing that he was not so opaque, so inaccessible.
A scream interrupted them.
Anaita.
Both Khushi and Arnav got up with a start and ran to Anaita's room.
"Mummy, mummy..." the little girl was muttering, as she thrashed around violently in her sleep, her sheets twisted around her sweat-drenched body.
"Anaita," Arnav said softly as he placed his hand on the girl's forehead.
Anaita woke up with a jolt, looking distraught and disoriented, as her eyes darted around the room, the remnants of her nightmare still running through her mind.
"Why did mummy leave me?" Anaita sobbed.
"She didn't leave you, Anu," Khushi said, comfortingly, "She will always be with you."
"No, she left... because I'm a bad girl. And papa also left because he doesn't love me."
"Don't say that, papa loves you. Papa will always love you," Arnav said, his voice painfully laboured, as he scooped her trembling frame into his arms.
"Then why did you leave me?" Anaita asked, accusingly, "You never came for my birthdays. You never came to school. You never came to see mummy. Everyone else had a papa. I only had mummy, and now she's gone too."
It was the first time since she had come to their house that she was expressing all the anguish that she had kept bottled up within herself.
Khushi looked at Arnav. He looked completely shattered. She could see that Anaita's pain was all the more tormenting to him, but he seemed unable to say a word.
He was saved the trouble of answering as sleep took over the little girl.
But he answered nevertheless.
"You're not a bad girl. Papa is a bad person," he said in a broken voice.
Bindi
Udne Ki Aasha
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
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