Chapter 23
Baby Steps
The stone bounced on the surface of the lake, ripples magnifying its presence before it inevitably drowned, something the sharp eyes of the queen did not miss. Yes, she felt like an idiot for connecting anything and everything to their relationship, and its doom- but it did not help, of course, since she could not stop.
She couldn't stop thinking about him, about them, not for a second, and Jodha was fairly certain that she's going mad- she had to be going mad- that was the only explanation about her behaviour.
The sun was setting, the oranges and the yellows and everything in between giving a magnificent, regal look to the sky above, the kind of beauty that would make her stop everything and appreciate it- but today, she just couldn't.
It wasn't fair, Jodha decided at the end of another internal turmoil, that she was so emotionally burdened with everything. She liked Jalal, hell, she loved Jalal- and it took so much guts accepting that to herself, not to mention the nerve-wrecking panic she felt when she admitted it to him.
And it was breaking her heart to think that something so important to her didn't matter to him.
It was fear, she thought, that was keeping her from going back to him. He must have had his reasons, she was sure, but the fear- the fear that was eating away at her, it stopped her every time she thought of being with him.
She was scared, she'd let herself admit that. The evening had gone as planned, minus the horrible interruption that came in the form of the love sick couple. That, she shuddered as she recalled them, was definitely not what she needed.
But apart from that, the soul searching time she'd been awarded was something she felt grateful for. What she needed was some time, some time to think about everything that'd went wrong in her life- and everything that didn't. (a stupid, optimistic voice went off at the back of her mind, but she shushed it.) She'd thought about a lot of things, but most of them somehow seemed to revolve around the crooked smile of a certain emperor.
End result of the soul searching trip rendered her speechless in a way. She'd always pretended that their relationship was fine, that she loved him and he loved her and it was enough, but today, she questioned her logic, because what if it wasn't? What if love wasn't enough? She needed time to trust him, it wasn't something she could just give away, and he needed time to accept that he can share his problems with her, that's it's what she's here for- to be with him.
They both loved each other, sure, but their marriage can't just depend on love- or it'll crash and burn faster than they would confess.
And the fear, the nagging fear, was another thing. Everything aside, she was scared. She was so damn scared of losing him, and losing herself- that it almost convinced her of just how bad of an idea their relationship is.
Truth is, she can't lose him, not again, not after everything they've been through. She was so worried it almost made her sick, worried that he'll leave- again- and she'll have no one but herself to help gather the broken pieces of her heart.
It amazed her in a way, just how strong her fear was. She'd thought their relationship was perfect, he was perfect- until it all went down and he wasn't so perfect anymore. But that was fine, she could deal with that. It was just the fear of being lost again that made her stop from being with him.
It wasn't so much the anger at him that kept her away anymore. She'd spent more time than she'd like to admit thinking about it, and overthinking about it- and she'd reached the conclusion that he had to have his reasons. He'd have to share them with her, he owed her that, at least, but she felt a slight sense of comfort in the hope that maybe everything wasn't doomed, not yet.
In the end, as night fell upon the city, the relieved queen found it fit to return to the palace. The sneak out had been fruitful to some extent, she thought, but she wondered whether she'd think the same if she is caught.
If I get caught.. will he be angry? At that thought, she paused to mentally slap herself. Well of course he'll be angry, stupid. You actually sneaked out of the palace, and not to mention you're fighting with him. You'd be lucky if he doesn't kill you the moment he sees you.
Her trail of thoughts was frightening, at the very least, but her heart skipped as she wondered if maybe, maybe he would be worried for her.
Maybe there is still hope, after all.
Shahenshah's Chamber, Agra Palace
He was losing it. Absolutely.
The nagging feeling that something just wasn't right had been stuck with him ever since he talked to Moti bai. Paranoid, it hadn't taken him more than a few minutes to act on his fears. He knew Moti, and he knew of her stubbornness and unquestionable loyalty to his fiery queen; hence he didn't bother asking her.
Instead, he went to Reva, her other maid, in the hopes of finding himself wrong.
Nothing could be wrong, Jalal. Calm down... Jodha is safe, she's in her chamber and she doesn't want to meet me. Okay, that isn't right.. but at least she's safe. Nothing's wrong.
Of course, his thoughts changed entirely as soon as a frightened Reva fessed up.
"Shahenshah, forgive me.." she'd managed to speak in between hysteric sobs. He wasn't the only one worried about his queen's whereabouts, as it is. "she asked me.. to give her my clothes.. I couldn't refuse.."
He stood, gaping at the maid who was now too worry-struck to speak coherent sentences. The revelation hit him like a brick across the face. She'd snuck out.
"Damn it.." he swore, catching hold of the first thing he saw and smashing it across the ground. It was a vase, a beautiful one at that, but now too ruined to be ever completely fixed.
He'd taken action, yes, but he was careful to be discreet. Hamida would positively murder him if she becomes aware of the fight between her beloved daughter-in-law and him, and that it led to her running away. He couldn't deal with that right now. And then there were the others, the gossips he was sure to avoid at all costs. Staying low was the best chance he had.
Jalal ordered some of his soldiers to search the town, but he'd be lying if he said it wasn't killing him. He wanted to go there himself, he wanted to look for her and bring her back, and shout at her for leaving him alone and kiss her like his life depended on it.
He wanted her back, here, safe. His eyes brimmed with tears that he fought back- it only made him feel more pathetic.
"Shahenshah?" a guard called, meekly- struck with awe as he watched the mighty emperor come undone.
Jalal gave him a scathing look, and the guard shuddered as his fury practically emanated from his being.
"Atgah Khan sahab wants to talk to you.. may I.. may I send him in?"
"Yes." He barked without really thinking, he wanted the guard gone, he wanted peace, and damn it, he wanted her.
"Are you okay, Shahenshah?" came the voice of the man he admired.
"No.. Atgah sahab.. Jodha begum.." his voice cracked at the end.
"I heard, Shahenshah, which is why I'm here. You haven't raised an alarm yet, so you don't want everyone to know. Is that right?" said Atgah with a calculative look fixed at the emperor.
"Yes.. The King Of Bhangarh are due to arrive any time now, if I leave right now to look for her.. I won't be back in time." he nodded.
" I'll handle it, Shahenshah. Jodha begum's safety is more important right now. I suggest you leave immediately.. and if anyone asks, I'll say you've gone to meet a spy."
Not really able to say anything- owing to his choked throat- he merely nodded again, but his eyes suggested a look of deep gratitude to the man in front of him, who smiled in return.
"Hurry, Shahenshah. It's not safe for her, wherever she might be, to be out of the palace at a time when our enemies are waiting for any weakness of ours to come out."
Casting a last glance at the man, Jalal exited the chamber, thought of Jodha, his Jodha clouding everything else.
~~~
"Hey Kanha.. I can't walk anymore.." the exhausted queen groaned, the journey back to the palace appearing more tiresome than she'd originally thought. Her injuries still hadn't fully healed, and the stitches in her abdomen threatened to break any moment.
It wasn't so bad when I came here. She thought, but now her stomach was rumbling, her abdomen was throbbing, the cut on her shoulder was bleeding, and her head was practically killing it- this, coupled with her low spirits, ensured that she couldn't walk without stopping to catch her breath every now and then.
It wouldn't have been so bad, Jodha thought, if it would've been only the injuries that pained her. But it was her heart, broken and almost crushed into pieces, tired and just on the verge of giving up.
That's it... I can't... she panted, out of breath, before sliding down against a tree. She'd been out all day, surely a few more minutes wouldn't bother anyone?
Well, anyone but him. Said that annoying voice that seemed hell bent on convincing her about going back to Jalal and kiss him already.
You're over-fantasizing. He probably found out and is relieved, happy even. Guess you helped him in a way, getting rid of you. Another, a more real and devil-like voice went off. Jodha found out that she quite preferred the first voice over this one, even though she found it irritating.
As if he'd ever be happy with you gone. You know what I think? I think he's out searching for you, going mad with worry and guilt.
Guilt? What for? Jodha thought. Sure, she still hated his actions and wouldn't really mind telling him off about it- but the thought of him beating himself up about it.. it made her uneasy. No matter how angry she was at him- she'd hate to see him low.
Damn those stupid feelings. She sighed, and realized that everything apart, feelings are really just one of the worst things in the world.
~~~
A few hours later
If he'd been going mad earlier, he was absolutely on the verge of a breakdown now. It was late, really late, and there was still no news of his hot headed queen. Damn it, he swore before pulling the reins of his horse, his distress emanating from his body as the horse galloped further ahead into the forest.
He'd sent his men into the town to look, but he didn't think she'd go there. Then again, he didn't think she'd actually leave his palace- so he wasn't one to talk. Did that stop him from worrying about her? No.
"Jodha begum.." He called out again, ducking just in time to avoid getting smacked in his face by a branch. They were quite deep into the forest now, and he found himself hoping that she wasn't here- because this area was filled with unknown dangers and enemies, and a ferocious warrior that she is, she'd be an easy target- owing to her injuries.
"JODHA..." He screamed, his voice already hoarse and cracked at the end. He hated it, all of it- she wasn't here and it was killing him.
Please be safe.. please be safe.. please be safe.. He found himself repeating this over and over, like a mantra, and in that moment, he knew he'd never wanted anything more than he wanted her safety right now.
He wouldn't be exaggerating if he said he'd searched the entire forest to look for her, and all he'd got was panic. It was hard, Jalal admitted, to keep himself together and not let the guilt of letting her go, of landing her in possible danger, completely overpower him and wreck him a disaster.
He'd just got away from the forest, the thought of danger over the one person who meant everything to him enough to knock the wind out of him. In his haste, he'd forgotten to take water with him, and now as his thirst intensified, he was forced to head towards the lake.
Every part of his body told him to give up and go back, he'd gone everywhere he'd thought she would be- the temple, the well, the forest, and there was no news of her being in the town, too. Surely, she didn't want to be found. Maybe she'd finally realized that she deserved better, and had left without notice to not break his heart. That seemed like the kind of thing she would do, looking out for him even when she was leaving.
But it hurt, everything just hurt, it hurt him to even think of being without her- a hurt that began in his chest, in the very organ whose existence he'd denied till a pair of hazel eyes compelled him to do otherwise, and spread to his entire body. He couldn't walk, he couldn't speak, hell, he couldn't think.
It would be fair to say, that he might still be the emperor and have everything anyone can wish for, but without her, nothing was ever enough.
As he neared the lake, he began thinking if she'd come here. All rational thoughts of finding her were gone. It'd been hours since they'd began the search, and she'd left long before it even started. She must be almost outside Agra now, if he was being honest with himself. That's what his rational side would say, too, had his love for her not dominated his every single thought.
Her eyes fluttered, remnants of sleep still clutching her, before she opened them and it went away. With a thud.
She swore, unkind words tumbling out, before she caught her tongue and mentally reprimanded herself. She'd picked up on one of the bad habits of her husband, and the time wasn't right for the realization.
Sending a quick apology to the deity, she came to terms with what can only be described as epic bad luck. Well, she was completely screwed. She'd stopped only for a few minutes rest, and hadn't realized when sleep took over- and flash forward to what is definitely hours later, she's still at the same place, almost an hour away from the palace, and it would be well past midnight by the way she reaches. Hell, she hadn't even gone that far from the lake, it was still visible. Oh, he was so going to murder her.
She stood up, before her leg slipped and she held the tree for support. Her eyes reflected sheer panic, because really, feisty as she might be, she wasn't stupid- this was dangerous. And she was alone.
And as if she needed something more to curse her stars for, she didn't even have her dagger.
"I need to go back.. now.. Shahenshah must be going mad because of me.. what was I even thinking.. going out like that.. and falling asleep.. really... that was one of the most stupid things I've ever done... and.. damn it... damn these wounds.. I can't walk faster..." She mumbled, walking towards the forest area, before pausing to reflect on her options. She could take the forest area, it's shorter, but also unprotected- and she'd be stupid to walk in without any means to protect herself. Or she could go through the other part that went through the town- a bit longer, not by much, but definitely consisted of Shahenshah's men that would be looking for her, no doubt.
It was a tough decision, but she chose the second path. Heaven knows she'd done enough to annoy her husband for today.
Reva's lehenga was a bit bigger on her, and it got caught with her feet so much that she considered tearing it off- but decided against it. She gathered the extra length in her hands before continuing to tread towards the town when-
"aah..." a curse escaped her mouth, cutting through the chilling silence around the lake, a scream that didn't go unnoticed by Jalal.
She bent down to pick the thorn that'd pricked her feet, a rather ugly one at that, silently making a face and biting her lip to prevent another scream. It might've been a thorn, but it was big and it hurt.
"Jodha.." he murmured, hopes rekindled as he abandoned his need for water and turned around to look for the source of the sound. It wasn't far, he deduced, as the scream was low, and it audible enough to suggest the person to be nearby.
He pulled the reins, now that he was so close to having her again, he couldn't waste another moment. His eyes wildly searched for a face that was so familiar, and what wouldn't he give just to have another glance at it..
She heard it.
The hooves weren't exactly quiet, and tired as she may be, her ears were still sharp and sensitive to sounds around her. Her instincts wanted her to hide in safety, as the thought of it being an enemy induced unadulterated fear in her- she wasn't stupid, she knew she was weak. She couldn't fight, not like this. Her instincts won over, and she ducked behind a tree, her heart thudding so fast it might burst out.
"Kanha.. save me.. protect me.. I have to go back.. I can't.. be without him.." and that was it, the confession she hated to make. In all their fights and kisses and hugs and banters and just about every other moment she'd spent with him, she'd grown to want his presence. He'd grown on her, he'd become a part of her she couldn't shake off. She wanted to be with him, she needed to be with him- it was only when he was there that she felt alive, happy and more herself than she'd ever be without him.
In other words, Jodha knew she can't be without him, not when she'd realized just how better it would be to be with him.
"Jodhaa.." He shouted, his nails digging into the skin of his palms, she was so close and he still couldn't find her. "Allah, please keep her safe..."
"Shahenshah.." She whispered, the effect of his voice was almost instant, like a reflex action. Her tensed muscles relaxed, her frown eased out as she stepped away from her hiding place.
This was it. She was surely going to cop it now.
But a part of her couldn't help but jump at glee as she took in his features again. His frown had not gone yet, but there was a definite sense of relief in them. And his eyes, god, his eyes shone in a way she'd rarely seen them shine, and then for a second her heart skipped a beat as he jumped down from his horse and caught her immediately, and she couldn't breathe as he hugged her so tight, like his life depended on it, like he'd surely die if ever lets go.
And despite everything that'd gone wrong between them, she found herself hoping he doesn't let go.
"You're okay..you're okay.. you're okay.." he kept mumbling into her hair, kissing it repeatedly. It would have been amusing for her, Jodha thought, had the situation been different, but now she chose not to test the emperor- her husband's- patience and quietly revelled in the warmth of his arms.
"Shahenshah, I..." she began, but was cut off as he tightened his hold further, his voice giving away how he felt.
"Don't ever do that to me again, okay?" He still wasn't breaking the embrace, partly because his heart had to have her close to know she's fine, and she's here, and there's still hope for him, and partly because he didn't know if he could meet her eye.
"Shahenshah, I..."
"If you get angry at me, ask me to leave and I will.. but.. don't leave me ever again, okay?"
She nodded, a poor attempt at subtlety if she was being honest with herself. Truth is, even in her anger, she can't help but break seeing him like this.
"Shahenshah, I.."
But he cut her off again, and Jodha huffed in irritation. They parted reluctantly, but Jalal's need for contact of some sort took over and his hands found their way to her shoulders.
"Are you okay? WHERE WERE YOU ALL THIS TIME?" She winced at the loudness of his voice, but otherwise remained, calm, her face not betraying her.
"If you'd allow me to speak.." She began, fixing him with a sharp look, "I would tell you that I've been fine, Shahenshah. I just needed to get some air..-"
"You could have gone to the gardens, then. Why did you leave the palace, Jodha? Are you not aware of how easy it would have been for any of my enemies to hurt you? Are you not aware of how weak you are right now?" Now that he knew she was fine, his earlier relief gave way to his anger at her carelessness.
"I'm fine, Shahenshah." She repeated, irritated at his choice of words. "I'm NOT weak." She seethed.
"Really? I don't know how you were planning to defend yourself- wounded, bleeding," his eyes darkened as he glanced at the cut on her shoulder, "without any weapon."
"I would have managed. Thank you for your concern. Now, if you are done with taking your anger out on me, may we leave?"
"I'm not taking my anger out on you, Jodha. What do you want me to do, be sorry for being worried about you? For caring about you? For loving you?" He pulled her by her wrist and held her against his chest, brown eyes met hazel ones as both tried to forget everything that was doing nothing but bringing them down and apart.
"We have to leave. It's getting late." She said, her eyes now at anywhere except his face- aware of the power he has over her.
"what took you so long, Jodha? I thought you.." he trailed off, embarrassed to admit his fear to her.
What? She thought, shock clouding her senses as she registered this latest confession. Did he really think.. that I'd leave him? I wouldn't do that.. I can't do that...
To him, she said " I didn't.. you know.." this proved to be more embarrassing than she'd thought, and him avoiding her gaze wasn't really helping.
But to see him like this, powerless, and.. human.. it stirred something in her. And she added, as an afterthought, "I wouldn't do that."
Surprised, he looked up, and though her face was still devoid of any emotion, her eyes had a touch of warmth to them.
"We should go.." He said, swiftly ending the conversation that'd took an unexpected turn. Before she could reply, he caught her by the waist and seated her on the horse, before climbing in behind her.
He took the reins, his fingers brushing the exposed part of her waist as Jodha visibly shivered under her touch. He sighed, at least I still have an effect on her.. but when her hand touched his for a second, he knew he was no better.
"I.. uh... fell asleep.. that's why it got so late.." she fessed up, her lips pursed and her eyes staring ahead determinedly, lest he notices her embarrassment.
"Oh." He said, before pulling the reins and leaning forward, indirectly brushing his cheek with hers.
What do I do now? She thought, her emotions all over the place. She could either lean into his touch and forget everything that happened and just give in to her heart already, or she could try to confront her own fears before helping him deal with his. Should I act like nothing's wrong, when it so obviously is? But being here, having him here, it feels so right.
What do I do now? He thought, she doesn't seem that angry, anymore. Maybe this running off helped her calm down. Should I talk to her about it? But if she wanted to talk about it, she would have mentioned it already.. should I act like nothing's wrong.. but it so obviously is.. but this, having her here, it feels so right.
Both were too distracted by their own dilemmas and the tricky matters of the heart. Jalal barely realized when they'd reached the palace.
He jumped down, a motion executed with an ease that only comes with experience. His hands curled around her waist again, helping her to climb down; retracting his hands the moment her feet touched the ground. It was the least he could do, he thought, as she did not seem so comfortable with her touch.
Baby steps, Jalal.
At his touch, her nerves seemed to be set on fire, soaring high as he helped her come down, and ultimately crashing as the warmth of his hands on her waist went away. She started to miss it, his touch, but she was also grateful for it. Yes, it was going to be painful starting from the scratch, but it was going to be worth it.
They were worth it.
And so, Jodha was only too aware of what he was doing to her and she to him as she gave him a smile, one he thought to be a heart-stopping one, at least it seemed that way to them, as their hearts skipped a few beats, before thudding dangerously in their chests.
Maybe not everything had gone wrong, after all.
And Jalal grinned as he reminisced about her smile, before thinking Baby Steps.
Edited by ...Anushka... - 8 years ago
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