"Look Shravan I think I'm getting there!" Exclaimed Suman, making a few more moves.
"Oh please, it takes years of practice and a lot of grey matter! You have neither.." Shrugged Shravan as he tried to tame his unruly morning hair.
"Shut it husband! I have the best teacher!"
"Oh is that a compliment my love?" Said he, smug.
"Yeh internet rocks!" she grinned a toothy over the top smile.
"Firstly, you look demented like that. And secondly I'm the one that's been loosing brain cells trying to teach you this." He said exasperated pointing towards the Rubik's cube Suman held. Shravan had been teaching her how to solve one for a while now, she was getting there and one look at the cube and he knew it would be solved in another 13 moves if he did it. But Sumo, he wasn't too sure.
"Ha. Ha. Ha. Demented and me? Isn't that you when you smile? Irrespective of how you smile?" Suman said in a bid to tease him.
He simply pouted, pushed his hair back in annoyance, grabbed his towel and dashed towards the bathroom, mouthing a barely audible "Whatever."
Suman chuckled and thought to herself about this marvellous man-child she had been blessed with. *Sigh* "I'll solve this Shravan!" She yelled.
"We'll see.." Yelled Shravan.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A few quite moments later, "I did it! I did it! Shravan!!!" Said Suman highly excited by the feat she had achieved. After months of trying she had finally managed to solve Shravan's prized possession. When she got no response she knocked the door and after still getting no answer she started banging the door.
"Stop it bozo! A man can't even shave in peace!" said Shravan faking annoyance.
"Why weren't you answering?"
"Cause I assumed you were having one of your episodes again!"
"Haan? Kuch bhi.." Chastised Suman. "Accha chodo na woh sab! I did it!!"
"Did what?"
"Behre ho gaye ho? Maine kaha na, I solved the cube!"
"What cube?"
"Shave rahe ho toh kya dimag bhi nikala hai dhone ke liye?" Said Suman rolling her eyes.
"Rubik's cube duffer!"
To this statement Suman earned a hearty laugh.
"Yeh wala sahi tha! Your humor is getting better Sumo!"
"Excuse me? How was this funny? I said I solved the..."
"Oh stop it! My stomach hurts." Said Shravan laughing.
"Shravan! The hell is wrong with you!"
"Wrong with me? What's wrong with you? Joke maar rahi ho phir chidd rahi ho ke mai has kyun raha hoon?" Shravan knew what his constant rants would do. She would come barging in to prove her point and that's exactly why he made a practice of never locking the door.
"Listen.." She said firmly, "I'm serious! I did solve it.."
"Nah, I don't believe you, you must have cheated for sure!"
"How can I cheat on this Shravan?"
"I don't know, maybe you used the internet... or better still just bought a new one.."
"Haw! You're calling me a cheater!"
"Call a rose by any other name it's still a rose.." Said Shravan.
"Is that a compliment?"
"It's called sarcasm Einstein, look it up." Claimed Shravan chuckling.
"How was that sarcasm?"
"Let me spell it out for you biwi, Calling a cheater by any name, including Sumo, a cheater would still be just that a cheater! Now if I could only shower in peace." Nail is in the coffin.. Now all that remains is to wait for the explosion. Thought Shravan content.
"What the hell! How dare you!" Said she as she held the door knob to head in and give her egoistic husband a dress down.
While Shravan did a mental countdown, Three... Two... and... *Bang* The door flung open with a thud.
"Tum apne aap ko samjhte kya ho?"
"Depends on the context my love.." Said he calmly as he turned around to give Suman the perfect dress down to her anger. "I am Shravan Malhotra, Husband, lover, punching bag and best friend to you, badass lawyer to the world, hot mess to the ladies, killer swagster to..."
"Bas bas... zyada mat samjho khud ko.."
"Really?" Cocking an eyebrow.
"You... um... I... no.. you..." she tried to speak looking anywhere but him. But this man was too big to avoid, in every aspect. As her mouth started to go dry, the towel did nothing to stop her imagination. Suman nearly forgot what she was in there for till Shravan pointed out, "Is that why you're disturbing me?"
"It's all your fault!"
"Is it? Pray tell..." He demanded as he folded his hands and came closer.
"Don't!"
"Don't what?"
"Don't come any closer!"
"Or what?" challenged Shravan.
"Don't distract me!"
"Look I'm merely standing, how is this distracting?"
"You! You wanted this!" Said Suman as realization struck her, "This was all orchestrated by you!"
"I didn't do nothing. I didn't apparently solve the cube. I didn't barge in on my grooming spouse and I absolutely did not distract you!"
"Oh yeh? You purposely didn't believe that I solved the cube" She said raising the cube, "You purposely left the door unlocked" Said she pointing to the door, "And you purposely are standing here like this!"
"Shush!" Exclaimed Shravan, "Such baseless allegations these! You do know your claims would be dismissed in less than a minute in court right!"
"As if I'd take you to court over this?" Said Suman trying to back away from him as he kept shoving her with his walking behind her.
"Well if not Ma'am, Let's put these accusations to rest shall we?"
"Stop following me.."
"I'm not.. Okay so firstly, I do not believe you solved it, I have no purpose for it, It's true. Secondly, the door was not locked? Must have slipped my mind but how would I know you'd barge in yes? And third and most importantly, distracted you? By standing like this? How else does one stand in the bathroom I wonder?" Said he managing to finally corner her and put her right under the shower as he wanted. "Like you? Clothed, angry, holding the symbol of your victory in your hand when all you should be holding is... me..." He finished closing in as his voice dropped octaves with each word. He turned the shower on as cold water drenched their beings.
"Shr--... van... pl.. ease..."
"Please what?" he whispered as he kissed the base of her neck holding her to him.
"Aahhh..." she moaned, that was enough for Shravan to tip over. He pulled away and closed in on her lips. Little did he know his riot of a wife was playing him. He felt her breathing on his lips and just when he was about to get a swig at his personal brand of intoxicant he tasted a bitter musty slime. "Whath tha..." He managed as a bubble made its way out of his mouth. "Shhampuh?" he looked on surprised with his mouth hanging open.
"Look at you!" Said Suman between laughs as she shook the bottle of shampoo teasingly, "Who looks demented now? What's the matter? Laugh na... Mr. Hot mess, Swagster, Killer, Badass lawyer!"
"Youh didth noth!"
"You're lisping...!" She laughed harder.
He spit out the shampoo and rinsed his mouth, "When I'm done with you, you definitely won't be laughing." He said looking wild.
"Ooo" Suman gestured with her hands, "I am so scared right now!" She claimed melodramatically.
"As you should be.."
Suman saw red. She saw he was serious, dead serious. But then she thought he had a habit of scaring her and this time she wouldn't whimper. "Oh my darling chashmish, you never have been intimidating ever.."
"You have a minute to take what you said back, else you've had it."
"Shravan please!" She said joining her hands, "Bhagwan ke liye mujhe chodd do.." As she laughed again, holding her stomach and clapping occasionally.
"Tujhe jaisi cheez ko Bhagwan ke liye kaise chodd doon?" He quipped.
She was so caught up in humor that she didn't notice Shravan had held her and pulled her into him. They fit like a jigsaw puzzle. Shravan looked down at her menacingly. Now she was getting a bit afraid if she had to be honest.
"Let's see what you say now?"
Suman did the most Sumo thing she could think of, got on her toes and bit his collar bone, hard. He let go of her due to the sudden pain he had been subjected to and this gave her enough time to dash for the door. "Ahh, you did not! You sly little wolf!"
"Catch me if you can" She said as she disappeared out of the washroom.
"With pleasure!" He yelled following her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Suman climbed on to the bed and as he jumped to catch her she threw the Rubik's cube towards him and whisked off from the bed and ran towards the door. She happened to assume her husband wouldn't follow her in his risky state of clothing but she judged him wrong yet again. He secured the towel around his waist and sprinted after her. Suman bolted down the stairs as he followed her swiftly.
"Sumo! Aj nahi bachogi tum!" He yelled.
Suman made a sharp left into the kitchen and then another to take position behind a sofa in the garden. "Nahi pakad sakte tum!" She yelled laughing.
Shravan took a few steps to the right as she took a few steps to the left. He took a few steps to the left as she went right. Shravan moved the sofa in a swift motion and caught hold of her hand as she let out a blood curling scream. Shravan let go off her hand "Pagal! You're making me look like a serial killer or something!"
"A barely dressed hot mess serial killer to be specific Shravan!" saying she ran towards the living room and Shravan chased her down jumping through the window. He caught her as she tried to bite his hand when they both looked up at each other. Panting, , smiling, content. They both knew they were reminiscing the same memories. Chasing, a chocolate and a bite in their teenage and chasing, a mobile and almost bite a few months ago. How life had changed. It had been a long journey, but one worth every hurdle. Shravan lovingly held out his hand for her to bite and she pecked it instead. Their world seemed complete, but they did manage to forget that the world had a couple of zillion people more, their own world had like 20 odd people other than themselves. They also managed to forget that there was a Pooja on the occasion of their first anniversary in the house, which meant more people would be expected. They did manage to not see those people during their little harmless game of catch me if you can. Only when the gasps got louder followed by Panditji dropping a thaal did they realize there were living breathing humans that could "see", in their home. They both turned in sync and wanted the ground beneath their feet to crack open so they could take refuge there.
Suman tried hiding behind Shravan but he moved and stood behind her instead, he was butt naked except for the little white towel and he could sure use some covering. Suman moved and hid behind him again as he held her and moved behind her holding her back to his torso. This went on for a few seconds before roaring laughter was heard. Mostly, from the men of their family. Thankfully most of the guests were yet to arrive but the fact that there were nearly 30 people gaping at their halaat was no solace. "Yeh sab ho kya raha hai?" Boomed Nanaji.
Suman shook with fear and shame. Shravan forgot his own name. They both kept mum as Nanaji asked again. Receiving no answer Mamiji started off with her usual rant. "Yeh aj kal ke bacche! Koi laaj lajja nahi hai! Harakat kya ki hai tum dono ne aj? Pooja hai ghar mai aur tum dono, itne ashleel! Ram Ram Ram! Humare waqt mai toh hum kabhi kamre ke bahar ghoonghat bina nahi jaate the.. aur yeh.."
Chachiji who needed so much as a chance to give a shut up call to Mamiji cut in, "Kamre ke bahar na, kamre ke andar toh kamal hi kia hai aapne.. Dabbo ko hi le lo.." she laughed as Mamiji turned beet red and Mamaji didn't know where to look.
Ramnath smiled and asked what all of this was about.
Shravan started, "Mai shave kar raha tha.."
"Beta shave karne mai bheeg gaye tum itna?" Quizzed Lalaji."Nahi matlab mai pehle shave kar raha tha phir naha raha tha.. haan.. correct.. aaisa hi tha.." Finished Shravan.
"Par tum naha rahe the toh Suman kyun bheegi hai?" Asked Vandy.
"Ajao, mai samjhaata hoon." Winked Varun.
"Haye oh Rabba! Tum bacche! Bas bhi karo!" Chastised Lalaji.
"Par Bhaiyya, naha rahe the toh yeh aapke gale pe kya hai? Yeh laal laal sa? Daanton ke nishaan jaisa kuch? Jungle mai toh nahi rehte hum.." giggled Pushkar pointing at Shravan's hickey earning an elbow nudge from Preeti.
"Haan, nahi rehte jungle mai, par meri shaadi jungli billi se hi hui hai.." Exclaimed Shravan.
Suman's eyes grew wide and she hid her face in her palms.
"Par puttarji yeh achanak yeh sab nahane aur jungli billi ke beech mai catch catch kahan se aa gaya?" Quipped Kamini as Lalaji gave her an all knowing smile.
"Woh Sumo mujhe kaat kar bhaag gayi na iss liye." No sooner did Shravan say it did he realize what he said. He held his mouth with both his hands and hid his head in Suman's hair.
A few laughed while a few gossiped about how the younger generation had no shame. Panditji chirped, "Aj Pooja karni hai na yahan?"
"Ji ji Panditji, karni hai na.. Woh bacche hai na, toh bhavnao mai beh jaate hai, hum sab ke saath kabhi na kabhi hua hi hai aaise.." Added Mausaji as it was Mausiji's turn to go red.
"Varun! Humne toh kabhi nahi kia!" Said Vandy confused as the mansion erupted in laughter.
"Puhkar! Shravan ke jaisi body kyun nahi hai tumhari?" Asked Preeti.
"Haan toh Sumo jitni daring bhi toh nahi hai tum mai.." Claimed Pushkar.
Before the talks got more A rated, Nanu spoke with voice of reason, "Theek hai theek hai, jawan khoon hai, par tum dono, aage se yeh sab silsile apne kamre mai hi karna."
Both Shravan and Suman nodded in agreement.
"Shravan jao kapde pehen lo, Pooja mai aaise nahi baith sakte tum. Aur Suman beta dry yourself, you'll catch a cold" Said Ramnath laughing.
"Waise beta packs acche bana liye hai tumne." Complimented Lalaji causing another bout of laughter as Shravan darted to his room with Suman in tow.
The laughter just didn't seem to die down. This wasn't just a field day for the spectators, this was embarrassment material for a lifetime.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Suman closed the door behind her as she angrily walked towards Shravan who had slumped into their bed, "Yeh sab tumhari galti hai!"
"Arey! Subha se sab meri hi galti hai na!"
"Haan! All your fault! Ab yeh log humko zindagi bhar chidhayenge, kal tak poori Delhi ko pata chal jayega ke Shravan and Suman Malhotra ne kya kia? Aur ek hafte mai poori India ko aur 1 mahine mai poori duniya ko.."
"Stop exaggerating Sumo! Duniya doesn't care, nor do India or Delhi." he said running a hand through his hair.
"Sab tumhari galti hai.. all your fault!"
"Accha! How so? Tum bathroom mai ghoosi, you squirted shampoo in my mouth, you bit me, you ran downstairs, ab blame mujh pe?"
"You didn't believe me, you left the door unlocked, you tried to kiss me, you ran behind me in that towel, who told you to!"
"Sumo! Thank God I was at least wearing the towel!" He said mortified.
"Jitni ho chuki usse zyada beizzati nahi karva sakte the hum humari."
"Socho! Agar towel nahi hota toh? Pushkar aur Varun bhaiyya ki toh lag jaati aur Preeti aur Vandy bhabhi jal jaate.."
"Kya matlab?"
"Matlab yeh ke they would know how perfectly content I make you!" He smiled shamelessly.
"Nalayak besharam aadmi! Tumko bilkul koi laaj lajja nahi hai!" Said Suman turning crimson.
"Laaj lajja? You sound like Mamiji.."
"Chup karo! Itna kuch ho gaya and tumko ab bhi mazak soojh raha hai!"
"Toh kya karoon? Ro doon? And aaisa bhi kya hua? Shirtless hi tha mai, with a towel which is like wearing only shorts at a beach, I've done that before."
"Tum beach pe sirf shorts pehenke gaye ho?"
"Haan, normal hai woh toh.."
"You! How dare you!"
"Ab kya hua?"
"Tum aaise nange ladkion ko patane jaate the na?"
"Oh hello! Mujhe kuch karne ki zaroorat nahi hoti thi, ladkian toh yuhin flat ho jaati thi, thi kya ab bhi ho jaati hai!"
"Accha! Really! Toh kyun ho mere paas, jao na unn ladkion ke saath.."
Shravan made himself comfortable on the bed as he looked at her with all the love he had in him.
"Kya? Ab aaise kya dekh rahe ho?"
"Gusse mai tumhari naak laal ho jaati hai, cute lagti ho.."
Suman huffed and sat on the bed faking anger.
"Jaan tum ho meri, 10 saal sirf tumko socha, toh aj jab tum meri ho toh aur kisi ke paas kaise chala jaaon?"
"Toh woh ladkian?"
"Woh marti hai Suman mujh par, mai nahi. Mere liye toh bas sirf ek tum ho..: He said pulling her onto his lap.
"Shravan, how will we ever face them again?"
"Face whom?"
"Everyone downstairs.. kya muh leke jayenge hum?"
"Yehi wala Sumo, aur koi muh nahi hai mere paas."
She punched him in the gut, "Wasted!"
"OW! Laga! Kya domestic violence kar rahi ho tum?"
"Bhaiyaa, jungli billi, Pooja ka time nikla ja raha hai, agar aap dono ka ho gaya ho toh kripya karke vastra pehenke aa jaye.." Joked Pushkar from outside the door.
"Chotte! Jaa! Aa rahe hai hum.." Replied Shravan.
"Vastra na bhoolna bade bhaiyaa.." he quipped.
"Shut up!" Said Shravan and Suman in sync as Pushkar took his leave chuckling.
The couple looked at each other and laughed at the recent happenings. One thing they knew for sure, life with each other could be anything but boring, their insanity would keep rocking their world and that of those they called family.