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This is a very random os... anyways here it goes...
Timing is a bitch and I have witnessed it again in my life. It is so cruel that it makes you meet the right person at the wrong time and when it's not enough, destiny enters and become the biggest villain ever. In few minutes my life turned upside down and I could do nothing but see it happening. Shivaay left me. And I kept standing under an umbrella, at that crossroad. It was raining very heavily, as if god was crying with me while destiny and timing stood feets away clapping cheerfully enjoying my destruction. Tears were rolling down my cheeks blurring my vision. The last memory of his that I would have was also blurred now. He kept walking away from me, his each step taking him miles away from me. His each step creating a distance between us, separating us from each other.
I looked at the papers in my hand. Divorce papers. He had already signed it. I blinked few times to clearly see those papers and read the words which were powerful enough to undo our marriage vows. I traced his signature on the papers with my finger and one of my tear fell on his signature.
I knew it was the end. Our end. End of our journey together. End of our marriage. End of the every little thing that connected us. But sadly, it wasn't the end of our life. Our lives will go on. The great Shivaay Singh Oberoi will obviously move on easily, given how he easily went away from me, not caring enough to atleast drop me home or even look at me for one last time. But how will I move on. He is the only man I loved. The only male figure in my life that I grew to adore and love. The only man who had the power to hurt me. My husband... No... My soon to be ex husband.
This hurts. Badly hurts. I just lost the very purpose of my life. I know I have Sahil but what about the man I thought would never my side now. How will I now live without Shivaay..?? Why did he has to show his soft lovable vulnerable side to me...?? I would have been fine with the rude arrogant tadibaaz SSO avatar of his... Why did he confess his love to me and why did he promise that he would never leave me now...?? Why did he has to save me from Daksh...?? He could have let me die that day... But he had to save me that day; only to kill me himself... Why did he have to be the reason of my destruction...?? Why Shivaay...?? Why...??
After questioning God and cursing my destiny and circumstances, I wipe of my tears and hope to pick up the broken pieces of my heart. I have to live for Sahil. My family. He needs me. But I need Shivaay the most now. I hate myself for loving him so much that now with every single breath I take, I need him with me. But sadly, I have to start living without him. I have to learn how to live a life without a heart which will not beat from now. He was, is and will be my heartbeat. I have to get back to the Anika I was before I met him. I'm no longer Mrs. Anika shivaay singh Oberoi.
They say that almighty God has a master plan for us and we are just a small part of that very big plan. The ultimate purpose of that plan is to spread happiness in the world and make sure every person gets his/her deserved share of happiness and peace. But now I wonder, what's good in all that's happening with me and my life. Why am I always at the giving end..?? Why...?? All I get is pain... Whatever I did or do, all I get in return is pain and hurt. I thought he understands me and he knows me better than anyone in the world. But he also proved me wrong today. He failed to understand me. If he couldn't even hear my unsaid words, then how would he have understood my spoken words. He couldn't understand what my silence meant, he couldn't read it and that's what hurted me the most.
He said he wouldn't let me go and he would treasure me like a priceless possession of his. By 'priceless' I thought he meant something that can never be traded even for the world's entire wealth. But now I know his priceless meant something else. I had no value in his life or if I had any, it would be equivalent to that of a tissue paper, use and throw. How funny is that he used me and I didn't even realise it and now he threw me away; which is again a shocker for me. He literally threw me away today as if I meant nothing to him. Did I really mean nothing to him...??? Was every promise of his, a lie...?? The love I saw in his eyes every minute, was it also fake..?? Was his love not true..?? My heart still says that he loves me and his love was true but why wasn't his love strong enough... Why doesn't his love has the patience to listen to my side of the story..?? Why does his love not trust me for a second... Why did his love turn into hatred suddenly...?? Why...??
In a single week, I lost my everything. I lost my husband... And I lost my child... My first unborn... That tiny life taking shape inside me and I get blamed for killing it. No one understood that more than anyone in the world, I was the one who was most deeply and strongly attached to that baby. How could I kill my own baby until... Yes I killed him... But I couldn't even share the reason of the step I took... I couldn't tell Shivaay that my pregnancy wasn't normal and had major complications. I don't care about my life but I couldn't risk the life of my little one. Giving it a life which he/she would regret, hate and curse is better than ending it. My child could have been born with major defects- be it physical or mental; the test reports confirmed it. I couldn't let that happen and I did what I thought is right. It's affecting me the most, both mentally and physically. I bore that baby inside me, though for just few weeks. But that doesn't matter... not to shivaay at least. He fails to understand that the baby was a part of me and now when its gone, I feel incomplete, lonely and dead. Let him think of me as a murderer, the murderer of his child. The child he was excited about having.
May be it was all my fault. My fault of falling in love with him and submitting to every demand of his. I did what all I could have done... For him and for our marriage. I don't know how his love changed me slowly and gradually. I became the woman, he wanted his wife to be like and there is nothing wrong in that. He also changed and I saw a side of shivaay; that only existed for his family and brothers. I was the woman he loved and I knew his fears, insecurities and a side no one knows of. We were perfect I thought. But in split of a second, everything changed. We fell apart. But the best part is, there won't be any 'what ifs' in my life now. I did everything my heart told me to do and I don't regret it. I will face life as it comes. I lost a major part of me but the minor is still left. I have my family and when you have family, you have everything... Right...??
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