Kaira OS- What will I do without you? Please read!!!!

I am walking aimlessly. I lost my mother 20 days back. The same day, I lost the person who loved me. The man who would do anything for me. The man who said he would even give up his life if I said so. The man who gave me the name of jungli billi sherni. The man who stood by my side unconditionally come whatever may. The man who decided to forgive me even after I caught his collar and accused him of harming my father. I have lost 2 important people in my life. In my process of grieving for one, I had made another go away from my life.

"Believe in Karthik. Listen and understand what he says. Trust is the backbone of every relationship" were the last words my mother spoke to me, I don't know why she chose to tell me this. Did she have an intuition that she was going to go away? If so why did she have to leave to the temple that day? Why did not I stop her? Why did I inscribe the date on the cement slab? These questions seem to amuse me now. I have no answers to any of them. However I had done injustice to her words. I had not trusted Karthik

I remember each and every moment of that day. Karthik wanted to meet me. I knew he was drunk and I told him not to come. But he loved me too much to listen to me. Yes I am choosing the past tense "loved' because I think he does not love me anymore. I don't deserve his love. Bua dadi has been right all along. I am nothing like mumma. I remember him screaming along with the screech of a car. My heart stopped at the same time. I rushed there along with Papa. I could not see him on the stretcher and I wanted Mumma. That's when Papa called her and we could hear it ringing near us. Finally when the inspector told us what had happened, it took a long while for it to sink in inside of me. My heart refused to believe anything as I went in search of her inside the jungle with Papa. But in vain. My fear knew no bounds when I was asked to identify the body. My hands tremble even now when I think of it.

Hours passed by, with no sign of her. I was driven away at the hospital by Karthik's family. Karthik's family? Had we not been his family? It seems so distant when I say Karthik's family. Then what the inspector told me made my entire world upside down. So mumma was not going to come back. I could not even have the luxury of breaking down as I collected everyone and took them home and broke open the news. Papa raised his hand at me. The first time in my life.

I remember crying the whole day. No one had eaten or drunk anything, even Mishti. Then someone came. I thought it was Mumma, a part of me still believed she will come back as I went and hugged her. No, I was cheated once again.It was a stranger who introduced herself as Karthik's mom. My mumma used to call Karthik "Beta". Now who was this? I thought.

Then he came. That was when all hell broke loose. He was completely unaware of the turmoil in my life and kept asking me why I did not meet him in the hospital. That's when I lashed out at him with accusing him of something terrible. He seemed shaken. He shouted out his lungs to everyone that he did not do anything. He cried and begged me to believe him. Papa pushed him down and I remember handing him over to the police. I remember the pain in his eyes as he looked at me, I feel disgusted with myself.

He came back again, throwing paper balls writing I did not do anything. I shut the window on his face. He still did not give up and believed that I would trust him. Why did you trust me so much Karthik? Why did you love me so much? To get hurt by me again?

And what did I do? I took him to the same accident spot once again and rubbed salt on his wounds yet again and left him there. He was crying. Why did not I see the truth behind those tears then?

Next day, I came to know that he has surrendered. Slowly, very slowly it began dawning on me that he could not have done it. I searched myself for reasons to defend him. Then when I got clues, I knew that I will do anything to prove him innocent. Now I have. But I have lost him. And I think this time I have lost him forever.

I hugged him outside the court and immediately asked for forgiveness. But I have not done something that deserves forgiveness. Though he surrendered himself just for me, he pushed me aside saying I don't want to talk to you and left me. I still did not give up. I followed him to the darga and met him again. I caught his hand and begged, yet he walked away. Keerthi di comforted me and assured me everything would be alright. Yet how will it be? Nothing will be alright again.

That was the last I saw him. Ten days back. I have been trying to contact him on phone, stand outside his house and beg him for forgiveness, but he is still mad at me. Anyone will be right? I deserve this. I have let him down time and again. I have let down everyone in my life. I don't deserve to live.

Yes. I don't deserve to live. That is why I have come here. The same place where I lost two important people of my life. FOREVER. Yes, I want to die. I am going to end it here. Where I lost the meaning of my life. I have only my literal life. Ia m thankful to God. For giving me the best of everything. The best person on earth. My Karthik- No, he is no longer my Karthik. I am unfit for him. He deserves to be with someone who will not hurt me.

This is it. I am on the edge. One jump and everything will be over. I was about to jump when I remember my mother's face. Would she ever forgive me if I took this decision? I remembered Papa. What will happen to him if i also leave him? I remembered Nani.She stayed back home just for me. I remembered Mishti and Gayu. How will they react to this? Won't I set a bad example for Mishtu?

I remembered Karthik. What will happen to him? Will he be broken at me decision? Irrelevant images flashed in front of me. No I cannot do this. This is selfish. Mumma will never forgive me for this.

I step down now. Tears have stopped flowing.I have become numb for emotions now. I walk slowly, aimlessly again. I already threw my mobile away somewhere. My legs lead me to the place where it has led me for the past 10 days. Goenka Villa.

I go there, yet again to be stopped by the security. It is OK. I am not going to leave the place without seeing him. I stand near the gate.Suddenly his face appears on the window. We look at each others eyes directly. He has not shaved and looks weak. The light of his eyes is no more visible. I break down instantly and he shuts the window on my face. Just like how I had done. However I have decided to stand here till he comes to me.

The clouds suddenly become dark, reflecting my life. It starts to rain. I stand still. I have started to become wet. Slowly I start to get drenched. It is getting cold. I have had a fever for the past 3 days. It does not matter to me anymore. I stand there for how long I don't know. I don't want to meet him to get him back. I just want to beg for forgiveness. That is all. I will never disturb him again. Suddenly my eyes blacken.No mumma, I did not attempt suicide. I tell to myself. My head feels heavy and I am not able to breathe. The road is spinning in front of me. I am not able to take it anymore.

I wake up mentally. My eyelids still feel heavy. I am on someone's lap. It seems soft, warm and familiar.

"Nani? I am sorry, I did not do anything. Karthik.. Karthik did not see me again Nani, " I said as tears welled up in my closed eyes, reflecting in my choked voice.

"Naira?" The voice was too familiar. I woke up and saw that I was on his lap. The surrounding looked like a hospital

"Ka.. Karthik? was all I could say

"What were you trying to do?" He asks me

"I wanted to see you. I know I have committed a grave mistake. Please, Please forgive me. Just say that once.

"And what will you do if I have forgiven you? He asks me, in a straight voice

"I will never disturb you again. Karthik. I shall never come to see you again. You deserve the best girl on earth. And thats not me, I shall not give you any more pain again. I sit up and beg him with folded hands

"And" he says slowly" What will I do without you" He questions me

'What" I ask

"I asked what will I do without you? How dare you think of leaving me" He asks with tears in his eyes.

"Karthik, are you making fun of me" I ask him

"I did not make fun of you But you made fun of our relationship. How can you think I would hit your mother? She loved me more than my own family. I was angry and hurt that you did not believe me. But i cannot think of leaving you. Or living a life without you. He says earnestly as I break down on his shoulders totally, letting my pain out, pain of losing my mom , his trust. I cry out loud and scream with my tears on his shoulders, the most secure place on the world

He holds me tight. " I will never leave you Naira. In this birth, my life and death is with you. What will I do without you Naira? I love you.

"I love you too Karthik. What will I do without you? I Love you, you and only you. I declared, still not letting go of him.

Clarity seemed to come out of confusion.The pain of losing my mother hit me strong again, but I had him to share it with.My Karthik..