Posted:
I read an article today which made me write this post.
http://www.fuzionproductions.com/kuch-rang-pyar-ke-aise-bhi-letter-ishwari/
Mental illness is a taboo topic in most countries in the world. The moment mental illness is mentioned, people start thinking about crazy people they saw on the street or in mental asylum or in movies.
The fact is that there's a lot of mental illness that goes undiagnosed and untreated because people's refusal to deal with it. Sometimes, a mental illness can be contained just by counseling like anxiety (it is a legitimate mental illness) and sometimes medication is required like for depression (again a legitimate mental illness).
The problem with mental illness is that sometimes if left untreated, it escalates and comes with add ons like often anxiety grows into depression and depression can grow into other mental condition.
My last job at Morneau Shepell, Canada's largest HR company involved interaction with counselors and psychiatrists as I worked at the Employee Assistance Program department. I was surprised to know what I thought was natural or normal behaviour based on the upbringing or circumstances of a person, is registered as legitimate psychological or mental disorder.
We all know Ishwari has anxiety towards any kind of change which we all probably have to some degree. But anxiety is considered as psychological problem when you are unable to control it.
But that anxiety has always been treated as part of her personality. That has now escalated to depression (her acting out when Dev shows his care for anyone else) and what I believe to Borderline Personality Disorder.
What is Borderline Personality Disorder?
Read this article to know about it.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder
Now let me clear something here.
Being possessive is not Borderline Personality Disorder. For example, when someone becomes upset because the person they love is paying attention to someone else and doesn't want to talk for a while, that's mostly natural. But if someone in the same situation starts to scream, become abusive, snoop around, try to cause distress to others to the point of harming their own relationship and others is when it becomes a mental illness.
Another thing I'd like to point out here is the definition of abuse that India is not familiar with.
Beating up someone is abuse, we all know that.
Slapping someone is abuse, some of us might also know that.
But, harassing someone verbally, is verbal abuse.
Causing someone mental anguish, creating a toxic environment where someone feels belittled or treated as second class citizen, manipulation that's done with the intention to hurt are all MENTAL and EMOTIONAL ABUSE.
By that definition, Ishwari is abusive. If a parent scolds a child for their mistakes is not abuse. But even if a parent picks on a child and deliberately puts them down is abuse.
It's funny, how easily we recognize abuse when we hear that a daughter-in-law is treating her mother-in-law as unwanted pest or with disrespect yet we can't identify it when we hear an in-law treating their daughter-in-law the same.
Because in India, motherhood is sacred. Mothers can do no wrong.
And if she is mother of a man, then she is a Goddess.
But they are also human being. They can do wrong as well, intentionally or due to an illness.
And no, whether you are a mother-in-law or a daughter-in-law, you should not have to put up with it.
For that matter, no human being, man or woman should have to put up with abuse.
Since this show started, I read horror stories. Not about ghosts or supernatural powers, but of normal human beings who have suffered ill treatment from their in-laws or still suffering or moved away due to it. As a woman and as a human being, I feel bad for them. They deserve better.
And when I shared my relationship with my in-laws, I was told that I am lucky and that I am the exception.
I wanted to ask why I am lucky?
Because my in-laws knows where their relationship stands and where mine does and respect that boundary?
Because they treat me with respect?
Because they made a place for me in their heart because they love their son and their son loves me?
Why should not they? I have always treated them with respect, I love them as I love my own Mum because my husband loves them, I didn't let my relationship take over their relationship. Then why is it too much to ask that they do the same and why it's a surprise or luck when they do reciprocate my effort? I have done nothing to deserve disrespect or ill treatment.
I have been in Canada for quite a while now so I got a lot of Canadian friends.
This possessive mother phenomenon doesn't seem to happen among my Canadian friends. Why?
Do all of them automatically fall in love with whoever their children decide to marry? No.
Then what's the difference?
In my opinion there are three reasons.
1. If that person suffering from Mental illness which I believe Ishwari is. Sometimes her talk also sounds like rants to me which is extremely contradictory to her action.
2. In India, motherhood is glorified. More so if you happen to give birth to a man. Your social status, status in the family, status among friends - all depends on that one fact.
I have seen people reacting differently to someone who has two or more girls vs. to someone with two or more boys.
To the mother of girls (with sad expression): Arre, ek bhi beta nehin? Koi baat nehin. Ek baar aur try kar lo. Aadmi ko to ek beta chahiye hi hota hai.
To the mother of boys (with just-for-fun expression): Arre, ek bhi beti nehin? Koi baat nehin. Jab shaadi hogi tumhare beto ki, tab beti bhi mil jayegi.
And I wrote the kindest thing I heard. There are worse things that are said.
So women gets groomed to think girls = failure to produce son.
And not just in India. Any country where men are valued more than women will be the same. For example, most asian countries, middle-eastern countries etc.
Hence all importance, all possessiveness gets directed to the son. After all if you got acknowledgement due to something or your status is determined by something, how scared will you be to lose it?
A beauty queen goes under the knife to maintain her looks.
A trophy wife does anything to keep her husband even if he is a lier and a cheater.
Similarly, Ishwari got her status through Dev and his devotion followed by his success. Her identity is that she is Dev Dixit's mother. Neha, Nikki and Riya does nothing for her status, so they don't get the care Dev gets.
That could have been the case initially while her children were kids. But noting her erratic behaviour, I believe that it has escalated to a full blown medical issue. Sona's coming into the scene just pushed her over the edge.
3. Financial Independence. Now that's a big one. If a woman (or man) is dependent on someone for their living, then that's again something that creates possessiveness.
Money, other than providing usual necessity, also gives confidence. The reason Ishwari (and Dev) gives expensive gifts because that's not only a symbol of their success but an acknowledgement that they can do things for the people they love that they couldn't do before.
Dev at least have the sense of achievement and confidence because it's all his hard work. He can see in person as his hard work is paying off.
But for Ishwari it's secondary.
She sees what Dev shows.
If she had another source of money, she won't be as eager for pre-nup or won't feel that Sonakshi will take away Dev's money.
It's not like India has social security that Govt. pays to old people.
So Ishwari's complete reliance on Dev could be the reason. Again, a normal person who is anxious about the future would save money or take money from their son to put as a fixed deposit, specifically when the son doesn't ask any questions. They won't take signature fraudulently. That's not a normal behaviour of a sane person.
Don't get me wrong, I am not justifying her behaviour or any abusive person's behaviour. I am only trying to point out the difference between normal acceptable behaviour and abusive unacceptable behaviour.
Is this reality? Yes. If nothing else, the stories shared in the forum should acknowledge that. But there's a lot of reality which is unacceptable like domestic violence, murder, drug abuse etc. And this show can raise awareness about it and against it so that women don't think this is normal and put up with it.
That's why I believe Ishwari is not mentally stable by any explanation.
Web Series
Kabhi Neem Neem Kabhi Shahad Shahad
