"Goodbye, Riddhima." With this Armaan stormed out of the room. He met some people outside praising him for his work, telling him that his and Riddhima's was the best performance of the show and they made an amazing couple. Had it been any other day or any other moment, praises and comments like this would have pleased Armaan beyond words, not because he was vain but just because of the simple awareness of having been associated with Riddhima. He would have been pleasurably content just to realize that people approved and appreciated them as a couple. He would have seen a future for him and Riddhima in those comments. However, now those comments did not hold any weight. He was hollow inside and no amount of good wishes could fill up the hole.
He ran out of the building. It was pouring and thundering outside, but he didn't care. He absolutely had to get out of there—get away from everything, from Riddhima. Dripping and shivering, he got into his car and drove aimlessly. He didn't even care that the car he so much cared about, or the car seats would get soaked. His car didn't seem important anymore. He wanted to get as far away from everyone as possible. He wanted to escape the reality. He wanted to deny everything that had just happened.
The car suddenly came to a halt. His feet had unconsciously pushed the brake. He looked around. A sudden jolt of memory hit him so hard that his eyes watered. He was left breathless. He was in the same deserted place where he had realized that he could never be angry at Riddhima, the same place where he had first seen her weak, scared, wet and vulnerable, the same place where he had threatened that moron, Vivek, with a needle to protect his lady, the same place where he had then vowed to himself that harm would never come her way again. He let a solitary tear drop from his eyes on the ground where he had first realized that what he thought he felt for Riddhima was not even close to his actual feelings for her. The tear drop was his respect and tribute to the land.
He arched his head back and closed his eyes. All those memories, those sweet moments with Riddhima swarmed into his head. He tried letting the cold rain wash away those memories. He wanted no part of it. He wanted the rain to wash away every trace of her from his mind into the ground where he had first acknowledged his feeling for Riddhima. However, the rain wasn't strong enough. Riddhima was so much a part of him, so much the essence of his existence that trying to separate himself from her, trying to pull her away from his being was worse than sucking the life out of him. The pain that seared his chest shattered what was left of his broken heart.
He was a doctor, yet he couldn't lessen his own pain. How was he supposed to heal others? He was taking short breaths. His heart was thumping rapidly, trying to get his numb brain to function properly. And every heartbeat he heard, every thump he felt against his ribs was like a clock ticking away his time to live. He surely couldn't survive the pain. Surely, the countdown had begun. Surely, he could not live without Riddhima's approval. Surely, he….
His knees gave away and he collapsed on the ground. Everything went dark. He bent forward so as to touch his head to the ground. As blood rushed through his head, he slowly got his vision back. Things slowly came back into focus. He saw everything clearly. He hadn't seen things in such a transparent manner before. He got up and let the rain rinse his face. The pain was still there in his heart but he felt stronger. Somewhere in his heart he found a small light of hope. The rain was fueling his passion and his hope. Even the happenings of tonight hadn't dimmed his passion. If anything, it had grown stronger. Hope slowly started taking over the pain.
Yes, he was not weak. Armaan could never be weak. He could fight everything. Nothing would come in his way of love. Deep down he knew Riddhima loved him, as dearly as he loved her. Yet, she was denying the love. He decided not even her denial could now keep him from getting his love. For the first time since he had gotten there, he realized how cold it was. The rain was ice cold and he was totally soaked. As the cold calmed down his racing heart, as his heartbeat got back to normal, as the pain slowly started being bearable, he let out a crooked smile thinking that he had been stupid enough to think even for a second that he could forget Riddhima. Riddhima, just the name was enough to educe a thousand emotions in him. He could never forget her. She was too much embedded in him. However now he wasn't going to let her hurt him anymore. He wouldn't let himself be hurt anymore.
She heard the claps and the cheer. It was the sound of success. Slowly, the cheers died down, the claps lost their weight and all she could hear was the silence. Then she became aware of the presence, of him lying beside her with his arm stretched across from her waist, enveloping her body. She felt his warm breath tingle her skin. She felt him move slowly so that he could look right down at her. Suddenly, she became conscious about herself. She wanted to open her eyes and look at him as well. His lovely eyes, how deep they were. Every time he looked at her, he penetrated her heart. Whenever his gaze moved across her face, her eyes, she felt naked, as if nothing was hidden from him, as if he could see the inner Riddhima.
However tonight, she wanted to look at his eyes. She wanted to read them. She wanted to figure out if what glittered in his eyes everytime he looked at her was really love. Her urge to just open her eyes and get lost in those intoxicating eyes was getting stronger and stronger, until she could fight it off no longer. Finally, she gave into the urge. She slowly opened her eyes. What she saw in them shocked her and rendered her even more helpless. He looked so sincere and caring. She did not believe it was real. Reality was never so beautiful. She had to know for herself if Armaan was real. She slowly raised her hand and brought it closer to Armaan's cheek, just to feel if he was really there, if he was real. As her fingers touchded his cheek, she felt a sweet shiver run down her spine and engulf her whole body. Armaan was real but never had reality been so dreamlike.
She caressed his cheek. His eyes were threatening to drown her. She knew if she stared at them any longer she wouldn't be able to come out of it sober and dry. However, she couldn't tear her gaze away. She longed to tell him that she loved him. Yet, the only word that could come out of her mouth was the feeble "Armaan." As he called her name in response, she was able to think straight no more. Her senses were clouded. She could feel nothing except him staring at her, see nothing except those dreamy eyes. She could hear nothing except him saying her name. Oh that was the perfect moment!
Suddenly, the lights came on and her dream was broken. She was jerked back to reality. She quickly withdraw her hands and got up to get away from Armaan. She went into the makeup room. She was embarrassed and ashamed of herself. How could she have given into her desire? She was ashamed that she wasn't any stronger, that she wasn't strong enough to fight off her feelings. She had always been able to suppress her feelings. Never before had she become so weak, so incapable of doing anything except submitting herself to the moment. She was disgusted with herself; she was disgusted at her weakness. More importantly, she was angry at Armaan for making her so weak. Everytime he looked at her so intensely, she felt weak, she was barely able to keep her calm. Why did he have to have such an effect on her? She was angry at Armaan for making her show her passionate side to him. She couldn't afford to lose her composure in front of him. She didn't want to end up hurt like her mother. She couldn't bear any more pain. She was just not ready. Unless Armaan told her that he loved her, that it was love that he was after, she had decided that she wouldn't let Armaan see how much in love she is. But today, she had broken her resolution.
Her love for Armaan was pure, had always been pure. Yet, she couldn't be sure that what Armaan felt for her was pure love. After all, he had never told her the three words she wished to hear—the three magic words that would clear her doubts. She didn't know why Armaan would never actually tell her that he loved her. Did he even love her or did he just want her to confess to him that she loved him? She was confused about Armaan. Only if he would tell her what he really felt instead of just using gestures. She had never fallen in love before, she had never have anyone love her before. She didn't know if Armaan's eyes were speaking of love or something else. How she wished she could knew. The constant battle going on inside her about Armaan was tiring.
Why does it matter that he tell her the three words though, she asked herself. A man wouldn't fast for her in karva chauth unless he really loved her. A man wouldn't wait all night in rain, just to see that she wasn't angry at him anymore, a man wouldn't wait for her at one thirty in the morning in front of her house, just to make sure that she was okay, a man wouldn't be there for her with his arms outstretched inviting her to give him her pain, a man wouldn't be there to wipe her tears every time they fell. A man wouldn't do any of those things unless he really loved her. But then why wouldn't he just tell her that instead of demanding answers? She was confused… the battle within her… her one side defending Armaan, the other one accusing him. She didn't know which one to trust. Tears dropped down her eyes. She was confused so much.
Armaan walked into the room making Riddhima realize that she had been thinking about him all this while. She looked at Armaan, scared that he knew she was thinking about him. She grew even angrier at him for making her think about him all the time. Armaan's demanding of answers rather than giving some reasons of his own didn't help. How could she just tell him that he loved her? She couldn't confess her love to him at the risk of being ridiculed. She didn't know how to react. She was confused. She had to sort out her feelings. She just wished Armaan would leave her alone so that she could decide what she had to do. Armaan confused her. Just a moment ago, he was the passionate Armaan almost burning her with the intensity of his eyes. And now he was there, questioning her, not caring that he could be hurting her. How could he be so gentle one moment and be so rough the next? Which one was the real Armaan? She couldn't decide. Her only escape from all this confusion was to deny her feelings both to herself and Armaan, the same thing she kept doing consistently. But now she didn't think it was working anymore.
As Armaan left the room offering her his final goodbye, she felt the world collapse under her feet. The weight of the earth came down on her. Her world was shattered. She had never felt so lonely. The world seemed empty as if she was the only being in the world. She didn't know where she would go from there. There was no destination, there was no path, there was nothing without Armaan. Just then did she come to realize how much she had gotten used to relying on Armaan. Now that he wasn't there, she felt crippled. She was stunned, she was unable to move. Her heart was ripped open and she saw all the forbidden love and passion that was in her heart that she had kept herself from seeing before. It was only after she really looked into her own heart that she finally began to understand Armaan's.
She remembered a quote she had read somewhere: "The pleasures of love are pains that become desirable, where sweetness and torment blend, and so love is voluntary insanity, infernal paradise, and celestial hell -- in short, harmony of opposite yearnings, sorrowful laughter, soft diamond." Finally she understood the meaning of the quote.
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