Anyway lets see if anyone likes it first hehe 😆 it might be a load of rubbish and you guys hate it lol
Also I understand more Hindi than I speak it- so this may be slightly more westernised than you're used to, so forgive me if I havent used the correct terminologies.
I'd love your feedback! Let me know if you want more, if enough people seem to like it I may carry on. If not then hopefully other people with continue writing some FF because this crap on tv isnt doing it for me lol 😆 Princesssheena has written some awesome stuff, so if you dont enjoy this then you will definitely like her stuff!
Anyway here goes 😉
PART ONE
He looked out of their window... well it was his window now... swallowing back the bile in his throat. The sun had long ago set and now the only remains of yet another catastrophic day were the blinking stars in the black sky, almost mocking him from their distance. His head was banging and his heart, well his heart felt like it was clawing out of his chest. Whether it was to get away from himself or to get to her he didn't know anymore. Why was she being like this? He swallowed the pain back so far down that he almost banished it, almost. No matter how much of a bas***d he was being, she wouldn't go. Didn't she understand? This was the only way, this was the only damned way he could get her out of here and make sure she was happy. He felt the sting of self-hatred in his tired eyes, his chest thudding hollowly at the memory of her tear stained face. How many times had he berated her now? Humiliated her and insulted her like she was a stain in his life? How many times, in how many ways...and still... Gods... still she clung to him. What the hell had he turned her into? What had his family turned her into? This... this person she had become, always apologising, constantly begging for forgiveness... f**k... the sheer amount of tears she had shed alone... this wasn't her. His Riya was vibrant...full of life and smiles... her teasing alone would send shivers down his spine. Why the hell wouldn't she just go! Wasn't he making it clear enough for godsakes?! How much longer did he have to torture himself by treating her like his worst enemy, just to get her out of Shanti Sadan? Marrying her had been a colossal f**king mistake. I never should have brought her into this nightmare! She would have been better off being scorned by society after refusing to marry his cousin rather than live this hell. Shivam lifted his arm, the hard muscles in his biceps sore after the heavy workout session he put himself through only moments ago; it hadn't worked, it hadn't banished her from his exploding brain. He brushed his fingers through his black hair, pulling harshly for a moment before letting his arm drop in defeat and frowning painfully as he closed his eyes. I miss you baby. He clenched his teeth, hard enough to shatter bone until he forced the tender sentiment to the black pit of his soul. No, don't go there... she wanted the divorce and she was right to want it after the way you screwed up. It didn't matter if he missed her; she deserved better god dammit. I had told her that my family is messed up... would she listen? No. Riya... why did you have to fall in love with me? Don't you understand I have a duty to this family? I can't leave... I cant just walk out... I can't leave my mother here alone with Dadi. He hated that he felt this overpowering sense of duty towards his mother... he had grown up, feeling impotent and utterly useless watching his father treat her more like the house help than his wife. He had watched his dadi laugh at her, scorn her and berate her to her face and his mother being the simple woman she was took it, swallowed it like every insult hurled her way was rather a blessing. No matter how many times Nimmi or himself had tried to protect her or speak up for her, she wouldn't hear of it. And he didn't know what the hell to do; this was his mother. And now... now he didn't even know what the hell had gotten into her either. She was becoming mean, cold... cruel even. Some of the things he had heard her say to Riya... God... I should have intervened but Ive obviously lost my damned mind.
No... he decided long ago to let everything play its course. Anything that would get Riya to leave sooner, the better... and if that included his mother's cruel taunts then so be it. It was a necessary evil. It would hurt the woman he loved for a while maybe... a few years at the most... but he would eat himself alive knowing how much he had hurt her if only to save her from herself, from a life with him, with these people.
He had overheard them that night, their low mutterings drawing him closer to the large room after the ruckus had calmed down and he had been making his way to the reception room. The door was just barely ajar, but his aunt's voice was shrill and just loud enough to hear the first few words and then he had been hooked. "Amma... what happened to sticking to the plan? Why are you not tied up in Riya's house... the police would have arrested her by now!" He had watched Dadi shaking her head in disgust, her response shrivelling his throat before he realised he had stopped breathing. "That stupid girl came lolloping in with a sword, didn't she! Threatening your useless goons with it until they ran away... you will see how I will get her. I wont let her get away with this, I want her out of my home and I will do anything to get what I want. Just watch me- I am Shanti Devi and no one crosses me, not even this modern bahuria" she ha spat out in vitriolic hatred. He hadn't been able to listen anymore, backing away so quickly that his back jarred against the wall, his teeth rattling for a moment. His heart could have pounded its way straight out of his throat and down to hell, he was sure of it. It was at that point that he realised that everything that had anything to do with Riya being blamed was all orchestrated by his dadi and aunt. He should have been shocked but the truth is he wasn't. Disgusted and revolted, yes... but not shocked. Not after the things he had known both of them to do since he had been a little boy; he knew their true colours, he wasn't ignorant of them... but he looked the other way most of his life to keep the peace. He hated himself for it, the way it made him feel so small and powerless... but what the hell was he supposed to do? His father practically worshipped his Dadi like she was the goddess herself as did his mother... one word from him and his dad would have surely kicked him out, leaving his mother and sisters without anyone to look out for them. Leaving hadn't been an option; even if he had decided to take his mother away she would surely have rather killed herself than leave his father and dadi. He couldn't risk it... and so he had spent his life grinding his jaw and burying the pent up anger until he had the occasional opportunities to lash out and pummel someone to a pulp. People might have thought he had anger issues; that he was uncontrollable and insane... but no one knew the truth. No one knew that the real person...people... he wanted to throttle was his dadi and aunt. And maybe on occasion his dad; the man surely could have played a more present role in their lives but he cast his responsibilities off to his dadi, giving her all the power over his family. Yes, he was angry... full of rage infact and yet he had no one to vent it to, no one he could shake some damned sense into. And so if he flipped out on the odd stranger then so be it, it was that or he kill half his family in their sleep. And so here he was, looking out into the blackness in his cozy room knowing full well that the woman he loved was downstairs, probably sleeping on the cold floor yet again. Yes, he hated himself. But he had made the decision even before he found out what he had suspected all along; that Riya hadn't been to be blamed for any of it. Well... he was still angry at her for not telling him about Nimmi swapping places with Preeti and that his idiot of a sister had run out on her own wedding... but even so, he couldn't fully blame her. He had been angry and ratty for months now; every time she had come to him with something he had practically blew up in her face. Was it any bloody wonder that she didn't confide in him? But for godsakes... why didn't she go to his father if not him? The whole thing had been a mess and the bitter truth was that he hadn't had his damned head screwed on. This decision he had made, the one he had promised he would keep to, he had made a while before he received the divorce papers. Practically since they had been married she had been miserable. He had promised to support her and be her rock no matter what... and he had screwed that up too. When he had seen his mother break down into a shambles of emotion and pain when he had supported Riya that one time he had been shocked. What if she had made herself ill? What if after everything she had been through in her life, seeing him support his wife over her would finally make her snap? He knew she was wrong to think that way; he knew that she was being selfish even if she didn't realise it. But this was his mother, the one and only person who even through her faults was the only elder in his life to show him affection, to hold him and feed him with love. His father certainly didn't seem to give a damn about him, even suspecting him of things so damning as theft- and that too from his own dadi. No... the only human being who showed him a sliver of affection was his mother. He couldn't just forsake her like that, he couldn't just cast her feelings aside as if she hadn't been the one whose lap he placed his head on when he had felt tired or sad as boy. And so since that day, something had contracted inside of him. Even though he knew she was wrong to take all of his affection and attention, so much so even from his own wife... he hadn't known how to handle it. He could only ask Riya to try and understand, to try and see the strange ways of his family. And she did... he could see that she had been trying and God, he loved her so much for it. For trying to integrate herself into what was essentially chaos. For a while things had been going well... he even thought they were getting closer, more intimate. Even now, after everything he couldn't believe they hadn't consummated their marriage. I mean how f**ked up is that? What the hell was wrong with him? I'm a man for hell's sake... not some twelve year old boy! He couldn't help but feel the humiliation in his bones even as he longed for her; God, her skin alone... so soft, like hot silk. And yet... still... every single f**king time they had even come close to anything intimate, something interrupted. They would have a fight or dadi would start her moaning and whining and bitching about some thing or the other that Riya did wrong... not to mention his utterly irresponsible sister gallivanting off with gods knew who and advertising it to the entire village on the radio. It was one thing after the other and the mood was so far from romantic that he may as well have pledged celibacy- at least his dick would have accepted the fact that he wasn't allowed to be with a woman. But no... they had been married for a year, sleeping next to her, feeling her warmth close to him... the smell of her floral perfume and her hair. And the closest he had got to her were a few secret kisses here and there. Other than that she may have wrapped her arms around him at night and his around her... but even when he felt his own lust from the closeness of her body, he kept his distance, not wanting to frighten her or rush her. She had been so tired all the time, waking up early to cook and then going to the office only to come home and do more chores... well suffice to say he didn't have it in him to wake her up in the middle of the night. He was pretty damned sure she didn't have those dark circles around her eyes before they were married. God... the one time he had offered to help her and make her some tea after work his mother had jumped down his throat. What the hell had gotten into her anyway? He was sure dadi was feeding her all sorts of verbal poison... and if that was the case then him trying to set his mother straight would have only added fuel to the fire. So he had kept mum, feeling more like a damned mummy's boy than a husband. The constant and persistent feelings of humiliation, self loathing and impotence to do anything of his own accord had started eating away at his nerves, making him argumentative and angry. He was miserable, torn in a hundred different directions. And guess who he took it out on? That's right... his gorgeous wife... the woman who from before day one had been trying to please his damned family. No... he had been right from the very beginning... he shouldn't have married her. She was a flower, wilting under the scrutiny and hatred of his entire family. And he was the one adding kerosene laced fuel to that fire. Yes, he had made the decision before all of this disaster that he would start to drive her away... if she left of her own accord then at least she would feel like she had been the one to make the decision- at least she would have some control of her life left after this hellfire. But when he had actually received divorce papers... God... his heart had imploded in on itself as it fell into his stomach. He had already been at his wits end after the way he had thrown her out of the house, the blind red rage had taken over everything and he had had enough of the drama and constant fighting amongst everyone. Riya was surely the most miserable anyone could have been and somewhere in the back of his mind he was sure, at least if she was with her dad and staying with him for a few days then she could gather her confidence back. Yes he had been angry with her for withholding the truth and he may have been confused as to the reason he threw her out... not knowing if it was for her benefit or if it was because he didn't have a choice anymore. But one thing he was sure of- it damn well wasn't for his benefit. Even as he had watched her tear stained face walk away with her luggage he had felt a moment of sheer panic to take her far away from this place, to go with her and let these idiots screw up their lives. But no... he had heard his sister and mother crying and for all their faults in the whole matter, Preetis life was over. His mother was even more vulnerable... and if Riya had stayed a moment longer he feared what the hell else they would do to her. It had been for the best, he had been sure of it even if he had been confused... even if he had been angry with her as he had wanted to protect her at the same time. But divorce papers? No... he hadn't f**king expected that. And yet as he had held the paperwork in his trembling hands, his heart feeling like a lead weight in his tight belly he saw red again. This time the rage fully directed at himself... afterall, hadn't he been the one to throw her out like she was an animal? Hadnt he been the one to hurt her the mos?... She had said... so many damned times that she could take anyone hurting her or insulting her, but not if it came from him. He had practically nailed their relationship in the coffin himself. Even so... it hurt. It hurt that she would file for a divorce... couples got into fights, they got angry and said things so hurtful that they wonder if they could come back from it... but they do... they figure it out somehow; he had seen it for himself. It was true; he hadn't been to see her or check on her but honestly there was too much to deal with at home to leave and he at least knew she would be safe from their taunts. He hadn't tried to phone her either, not sure what to say after the way he had spoken to her and hoping that more time would be best before he approached her to talk. But before he could do a damned thing she had sent those papers. He had been so shocked, so sick to his stomach and so goddamned angry that that strange lawyer and his weird getup had barely registered. The asshole didn't even seem to know what he was talking about and it only enraged him further that she hadn't even bothered to hire someone with a modicum of professionalism. Did he mean that little to her? He knew... god he knew he had been the god of hypocrites to think that way... he damn well deserved her hatred and resentment... but divorce? Hurt hadn't even begun to describe his feelings. He didn't ask questions, he didn't bother to check out the dunderhead of a lawyer with those ridiculous scales probably trying to impress them or something... he hadn't even stopped to consider that she hadn't even signed the papers yet. Maybe she had been testing him, maybe she had wanted to see how far he would go without putting her own name on those papers first? He had regretted it the moment his pen left the page, but as usual his anger blinded him and it was too damned late. Well... hadn't he got what he wanted?
Shivam clenched his fists, digging his short nails into his palm until it hurt as he continued to look out into nothingness. He had wanted her out of Shanti Sadan... where she could find herself again and live her life the way she had been meant to. Not suffocating here day after day. He had got what he wanted... so why had he felt so numb and empty? It hadn't mattered that he got what he wanted; nothing could change the fact that he was completely in love with her. And yet he was powerless to show her just how much, to express it to her the way she deserved. It was such a damned clich... having to choose between his family and the love of his life. But it was a true clich and the fact still also remained that he couldn't, just couldn't abandon his mother... not after what he grown up watching her go through day in and day out with his dadi and aunt lording over her. And Riya... well no matter how much he adored her, she would never be respected and treated the way she deserved by his family. Couldn't she see? He had to let her go. He would let her go... for her, he would do it. She would hate him for the rest of his life... but he would rather that than see her slowly whittle away and turn into his mother one day far into the future. It seemed that his fate was to live alone, unmarried and taking care of his mother for the rest of his life. He had known this...even when she had held his hand in the restaurant over a year ago professing her love for him... he had known even then that he wouldn't be able to be a husband and a son... not with a demented family like his. And so this was the result of ignoring his instinct and his common sense. He had hurt her, broken her even... but he had to hope that she would move on and forget about him; he wasn't worth her time. Not after everything.
Shivam knew full well that he had been laying his anger on thick. He knew full well that each time he looked at her with hate in his eyes, that each time he scoffed at her or shouted at her that her beautiful heart ripped apart a little more and more. She was looking so exhausted these days, the utterly ridiculous sari making her look ten years older even if she was the cutest thing in the world. God... she was adorable to him; she might have looked ridiculous to the rest of the world... but to him it represented her loyalty to him, her love for him. He couldn't understand why she had come storming back into Shanti Sadan so soon after she had filed for the divorce; a tiny particle of him had hoped that she had simply regretted her decision but even then he had stamped the thought out, not allowing himself to hope anything before his resolve to push her away wavered. However, he couldn't help but wonder now, knowing full well that in hindsight the lawyer had looked fake and that she hadn't signed the papers before sending it that maybe...more likely probable that this was all his aunt's and dadi's doing. The thought sickened him; nothing else made any sense. Why the hell would she send divorce papers only to force herself back in to Shanti Sadan?... and that too bringing a lawyer with her... one that looked a hell of a lot more real than the previous one. There could be no other reason than that his own dadi had planned to get them divorced and she had achieved it with flying colours. Well... he had soon realised that it was for the best. Riya needed to get the hell out of here... this place, these people...him being unable to give her what she needs... it would break her, destroy her. And he wouldn't let that happen, not for anything. And so he had spent every waking moment making her feel small and unwanted, insignificant to him. If only she knew... but that was the problem wasn't it? If she got even an inkling that he loved her back, she would move the heavens itself to stay in Shanti Sadan. To get her rights back. But she just didn't get it... as long as she lived here, no matter if she remained married to him or not, these people hated her. They had started hating her long before things had started to go badly wrong. When he had overheard his dadi and aunt practically admitting to framing Riya and her dad, he had wanted nothing more than to go in there and confront them; lay their sins out infront of everyone in the family. But he hadn't done a thing... even in those few moments of rage he had realised that now more than ever Riya needed to get away from his family. Her own father had been so close to being imprisoned and still she had defended his family; she had gone insane surely. And yet deep down he knew she had done it for him and only him. He needed to stop this and the only way was to keep driving her away, keep hurting her until she couldn't take it anymore. When she finally would leave he could crawl into a hole of despair and hopelessness and rot there for the rest of his life... but for now, he would blast out every insult and hate filled word at the woman he loved. He would get her out of Shanti Sadan.
Shivam stalked silently to their bed... his bed, he reminded himself bitterly and buried his head into the pillow. He was sure he caught a drift her feminine scent, somehow still lingering in their bedsheets... or was it that he simply would never get her out of his head? Afterall, she was a permanent residence in his battered heart.
****
Ye Hai Mohabbatein
Anupamaa
Dr Aarambhi
