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Hurt and pain. There was nothing more she could feel. The ugly falling in pit of her stomach. Every man in her life had hit her there. Where it hurt the hardest.
Longing creeped out of her bones. Adi. Ruhi. Aliya. Pihu. All hers yet not hers. The world was right then. She didnt deserve the purity of love. A child's love.
She gazed at Mani, that one refuge who she thought understood her the best. Not that she was wrong, but his biting words cut deep.
They think her love has a scale. Different measures for different child. Just because she didnt borne them out of her own womb. She wonders how men of the world make those assumptions without even having a womb while she gets whipped for a faulty one.
Would they have allowed her to be there for Pihu, had she not left? Had they trusted her faulty motherhood? Did she do better by being there for Aliya, who needed her nonetheless or should she have fought for Pihu and Adi?
The endless frenzy was maddening. Raman had both ways to blame her. His words slashed deepest. Piercing that steely resolve she thought she had regarding the most misjudged part of her, her motherhood.
Mani's calming words, "You are the best mother a child could ever have", an involuntary laugh escaped her, no wonder it felt right to comfort a desolate woman, to pity her with false reassurances but stick to the wordly view of her when it came to his own daughter. Aliya was her darling.
She would never hurt her own child.
When would they understand this?
She should have been mourning Ruhi's loss in Raman's arms, with him, comforting him, crying tears for their child together. Not that it mattered how they mourned her, the truth remained the same.
She was the most horrible mother on Earth. People should not let their children wander around her, she would eat them alive.
Now that she reflected on her miserable life it dawned on her how Subbu was the best. He never gave her hope. Cut her off right away, didnt let that ray of sunshine fall on her for nothing and hurl it right out of her hands when she needed it the most.
Do tell me how it was. Ishita's predicament had me wailing. But I channelised that in this or tried to at least. One can defend Raman and Mani but this is solely Ishita's melancholy.
Anupamaa
