Need Indian advices - relationship/sexuality

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Lodi

@Lodi

Inactive

Posted: 9 years ago

Hey all,

I am in need of some indian perspectives and insights.

I am a 26-year-old guy dutch guy living in the Netherlands. For the last 3 years, I've been living together with my boyfriend, who came to this country to work as a scientist from Tamil Nadu.

Our relationship is quite fine and quite normal. Living together, having fun, and we often meet up with my parents; who really like him too. Just a normal life.

There's just one problem. He is having a hard time processing this relationship in line with his Indian identity. He is not attracted to guys (or girls) per say; simply to people. He found his soulmate in me, but it has nothing to do with me being a guy. He always says he loves my inner personality, no matter what the packaging would be. So he does not really identify with being gay.

His (Christian) parents do not know of this relationship, and he never wants to tell. He thinks that if they know, they might kill themselves. He has no problem being out in the Netherlands, But whenever there are Indians nearby, he freezes. He's so afraid an Indian might find out and tell his parents. Because there is one other Indian working at his office, he is also not out to any of his colleagues.

I was raised in an open-minded country by tolerant people. My mother even wanted to call my boyfriends mother, because she thinks every mother would accept her sons sexuality as long as it makes him happy. I never had any idea that being gay was something weird.

I love India. I've been learning Tamil , and I really wanna visit the country. In wanna travel the country and meet people. But my boyfriend says that I should never tell anyone I meet there about my relationship, or they might harm me.

My question is. What is your perspective ? Is he right? Could people really react so extreme to such a thing?

Thank you for reading this long text.

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sudesh kumar

@qwertyesque

Rocker

Posted: 9 years ago

you never said anything about your orientation - you are speculating what the world would think - if he is not gay - which i think he isnt then its just good friendly bonding... everything doesnt have to be about s*x...two indian guys can sleep together in the same bed in their boxers without ever having to be considered gay.This is not uncommon...

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Lodi

@Lodi

Inactive

Posted: 9 years ago

friendly bonding? :p that's of course not it. he's romantic and sexual with me :P he's not 'gay'. as in, he doesn't feel attracted to other guys or girls. just me. it's a relationship . of course we're gonna get married at a certain point.
The issue is, are indian people really so strongly opposed to a same-sex couple?

Edited by Lodi - 9 years ago

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souro

@souro

Alumni

+ 2

Posted: 9 years ago

Not sure how useful it is to seek such advice over here. Most members here will of course not have any problems with your orientation or your relationship and that might colour the advice they give you. But you should be aware of a few things. Firstly, many of the members here don't reside in India. Secondly, even those members who do live in India, reflect only a certain segment of the society, i.e. the young, liberal, highly educated, exposed to different cultures and belonging to the top 5% of the society in terms of affluence. So even if members over here give you assurances that you won't face any problem in India because of your relationship, you'll do well to remember that they are vouching for not even 1% of the population. In real life, if you do come to India, you'll meet a far diverse group of people and not everyone will view gays favourably. Although I don't think anyone will try to physically harm you, however, making unkind remarks or if it comes out in office, then some problems at professional front is definitely a possibility. It is very much wise to keep your relation and orientation discreet till you are really really sure that the other person can be trusted not to judge you and won't tell others about it.

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Lodi

@Lodi

Inactive

Posted: 9 years ago

thank you. you make a good point. So I can infer that there is a big difference in acceptance and understanding from younger generations and older generations? When I watch those Bollywood (or Kollywood)-movies; there's always so much romance. Somehow I kind-of got the idea that they'd be very possitive to any kind of relationship if it has romance...

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sudesh kumar

@qwertyesque

Rocker

Posted: 9 years ago

Originally posted by: Lodi
friendly bonding? :p that's of course not it. he's romantic and sexual with me :P he's not 'gay'. as in, he doesn't feel attracted to other guys or girls. just me. it's a relationship . of course we're gonna get married at a certain point.
The issue is, are indian people really so strongly opposed to a same-sex couple?

Ok your original post didn't spell that out clearly. Yes, that's going to be an issue in India but its on case by case basis. One of my catholic friends actually was accepted by his parents so thats light at the end of the tunnel... I would say.

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sudesh kumar

@qwertyesque

Rocker

Posted: 9 years ago

Originally posted by: Lodi
thank you. you make a good point. So I can infer that there is a big difference in acceptance and understanding from younger generations and older generations? When I watch those Bollywood (or Kollywood)-movies; there's always so much romance. Somehow I kind-of got the idea that they'd be very possitive to any kind of relationship if it has romance...

@Bold...Romance in India is only between Guy and a girl... I understand you are gay.. but you aren't from Mars are you? If you have been active in all the protests and discussion you would know that Gays are not generally well accepted across all conservative countries and cultures.socially, sometimes and sometimes legally!. Not sure why I feel you are making some hypothetical case just for the sake of some discussion!!

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souro

@souro

Alumni

+ 2

Posted: 9 years ago

Originally posted by: Lodi
thank you. you make a good point. So I can infer that there is a big difference in acceptance and understanding from younger generations and older generations? When I watch those Bollywood (or Kollywood)-movies; there's always so much romance. Somehow I kind-of got the idea that they'd be very possitive to any kind of relationship if it has romance...

No, that's not the sort of inference I was pointing towards. I meant to say that the members over here by and large represent only that certain demographic, whereas in reality you'll encounter people from other demographics as well. Old or young doesn't automatically guarantee disapproval or acceptance of homosexual relationship. A lot depends on the state, education, family background urban/ rural, society, etc.

I don't know about Kollywood movies, but commercial Bollywood movies don't show homosexual relationship in a positive light. When it is shown, it's usually as comedy and is associated with disapproval, disgust or mocking of the characters involved.

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Mahadevan Venkitaraman

@maha2us

Voyager

Posted: 9 years ago

Lodi, What I understand is you are happy in this relationship and this has to be the key for you. The relationship will definitely blossom when both of you are committed in the relationship. The relationship rules are the same whether it is guy-girl relationship or it is a relationship between two persons of the same sex. The rules hold good for gays also. A relationship works when two persons focus on being more with each other, present to each other and available to each other. The relationship works when both the partners work on improving being more caring, compassionate, gentle, tender and understanding to each other which is what makes both the persons share love with each other. When there is a strong connection between two persons, it really makes for good relationship.

This is all universal rule and I now ask why you need Indian perspective in this case when your partner himself says he is not expecting the common persons in India take this relationship in a positive way. And that is the way in India. When both of you partners do explore a deep relationship which is a healthy one and when it is not going to be taken positively in the conservative society in India, better not tell about your relationship in India where most of the people don't look at this aspect positively. What I say is based on what I know.

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sudesh kumar

@qwertyesque

Rocker

Posted: 9 years ago

#10

Originally posted by: maha2us
Lodi, What I understand is you are happy in this relationship and this has to be the key for you. The relationship will definitely blossom when both of you are committed in the ... What I say is based on what I know.

not to appear condescending or anything... but since you said "know" rather than "believe" what is thit source of this knowledge...😊

Edited by qwertyesque - 9 years ago