This Journey.. Can It Be Anything Like Love?
***
Sirens became louder outside the old warehouse.
"Get him up." Haroon stated once stepping inside the room where Aahil was kept.
Aahil was released from the chair as they grabbed him to stand. He started to lose his balance as the pain from his aching body was far too great. Suddenly his head was covered in a cloth and blindly pushed through the warehouse. Hands tied behind his back. Despite of being in pain, something felt odd. The ropes were not too tight nor were they too hard to untie them.
With his breathing heavy, he kept walking and wondered where they were taking him. He could sense some kind of rush.
Suddenly they stopped where one of the men removed the cloth from his head. Before Aahil could take a look around, he was roughly shoved down to the floor. Gritting his teeth as he let out a painful groan, Aahil saw how the man was pointing a gun at him.
With his breathing heavy and heart beating rapidly in his chest, Aahil quickly got out of the ropes and turned around to kick away the gun from his hand.
As every muscle in his body was aching and almost no energy left in him, he had to fight for survive. He wasn't going to end up dead. They were not going to win this war.
Aahil stood up and went to land a punch across his face, but without any luck. He was slammed across the wall, tightening his hold on his neck. He landed a kick on his already injured side, where Aahil led out a painful scream.
--
Aahil woke up forcefully grabbing into someone's arm.
Blinking rapidly, he realized that he wasn't in his room, but by the pool area, where he must have slept. He also found out whose arm he was holding into.
"Calm done, everything's fine. It's just me." Sanam had come forward to check up on him for the day, but found him asleep.
"I'm sorry." He said letting go of her wrist as if he had burned himself. His eyes however couldn't remove his gaze from the red marks he had left on her skin. Feeling ashamed, he didn't know what to say.
"Did I..."
"No. It's okay. You were middle of a dream." Sanam responded watching how he gently ran his fingers across the place where he had grabbed into a moment ago.
She reached the other hand forward and placed it on his forehead. "You're sweating. Let me get you a glass of water."
"No, I am fine." He declined trying hard to avoid her hopeful and kind eyes.
"Aahil.."
"I'm fine. Really.. I'm just going to lay down in my room, if you don't mind."
Before she could say anything, Aahil went up the stairs and into the bathroom to splash some cold water on his face. Why do I keep having the same image..'
Once getting done his eyes caught two small white bottles.
.. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder ..
.. Sleeping Pills ..
Aahil swallowed with difficulties and knew if he just took one sleep might come easer. Just for a few hours. Just for a small while.
However someone's words crept into his mind.
--
"If you're implying that taking these pills might turn into addiction, then you are mistaken. They just help me sleep, that's all there is to it."
Sanam nodded. "I know how hard it can be to get some hours of peacefulness. What I am telling you is not to be depended on them as much as you once were.. Even knowing how hard it might be."
--
Aahil grabbed the bottles as he opened them. Staring longingly, he flushed the pills down the toilet. It all happened quickly that he barely had the time to register what he had actually done.
Maybe he knew his future weren't depended on them after all. One day he was able to live a life without any pills. He would be able to forget whatever happened to him. One day..
However each day weren't the same nor easy. Sometimes the pressure could be too much to handle. For Aahil. For Sanam.
She stood with crossed arms as her gaze watched Aahil stand next to the window of the living room.
"You have to open up to someone someday. You cannot go around carrying so much weight on your shoulder. It has to be released... Remember how I told you that having hope is everything.. I guess, it's time for you to acknowledge it and provide a change in your own life. It's time, Aahil.."
"There's only as much as a person can take. If the limits get crossed, then everything else crumbles." Aahil answered.
Looking at the corner of his eye he swallowed with difficulty. "... I killed him. I had the gun and the only way I could survive was firing the weapon.."
".. Is this what you kept hiding.." She took a step forward with furrowed brows and eyes alarmed. "When did this happen? When did you get a gun?"
Aahil turned around not knowing if he should have stopped. "It happened when I was kept hostage. He left me with one of the men and a gun was present. Haroon must have kept it for a reason.."
Sanam was left shocked. She had not read anything in his report about any incident regarding weapon being fired. Or maybe he had made sure not to mention it.
Studying his facial expression, she knew he was having trouble with embracing what he did.
"It was either him or you." She assured him.
"No, you don't understand." Aahil spoke in pure disbelieve. It was the first time she witnessed a slight panicked side of him. A side of him which he very much tried to hide. Kept under layers of who he really was. "I did it.. I kicked away the gun."
"Does this have anything to do with the secrets your family were keeping?"
He nodded. "My presence was important in order to make his plan succeed. This guy was someone who had worked for my father before Rehan and I took over the Company. Whatever he did, was because of what my father had done to him.." A bitter laugh escaped his lips.
"There were no documents proving that my father knew or had worked with him. He was seen as a regular employee who was still under graduation at that time.. My father had a tendency to be straight out cold once he did business... I realized that I was paying the price for my father's bad deeds all along.. Joining the Air Force and flying through the skies was the only place where I actually felt alive.. I wanted to be free from this damned Haveli. Hoping I would forget the misery of living here.. Guess I never escaped.."
--
Kicking away the gun from the man's hand, Aahil was slammed across the wall, as the man tightening his hold on his neck. He landed a kick on his already injured side, where Aahil led out a painful scream.
He tried hard to breath and release his tight hold of him. Aahil gathered all the strength he could manage and landed a kick on his left side, making him lose his balance.
They rolled across the hard concrete floor trying to overpower one another. Landing various punches, scars and blood smeared across their skins. As they rumbled, their eyes caught a gun lying not so far away from them. They both tried to reach for it almost like in a panic manner.
Despite of being in pain, Aahil gritted his teeth together where sweat circled around his forehead. He crawled for his life and managed to get it as he quickly aimed and fired the first bullet.
.. Bang ..
Straight into the chest.. Taking the life out of the man.
Aahil released his breath he held refusing to blink. Refusing to acknowledge what he had done. Eyes wide open realization crept into the back of his mind, making him stumble back from the unconscious body.
Feeling the concrete wall hit his back, he fell down, still holding into the gun in his hand.. Before he knew it, darkness overpowered his mind..
--
"He knew what I had been through.. He planned it well."
"It was self-defense. You're nothing like him. What you are doing right now was his motive." Sanam spoke looking into his eyes. "Can't you see?" Sanam paused.
"I promised myself that I would do anything for you to return to your usual self. It's what I'm going to do. No matter how ugly the scars are, they will heal. And the only person who can do this is you. Only you have the power over yourself to reach toward the light. You are not meant to live in darkness. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
Aahil narrowed his eyes to block away the memories flashing before his eyes.
--
"Did you know that Haroon means hope.. Fits perfectly to my name. Really.. I'm always hopeful no matter what situation I'm in. Can't say the same about you though. I mean the shoulder is pretty aching isn't it?"
Aahil glared him as he clenched his jaw. His throat was dry. Most of all, he was beginning to lose hope.
--
"Hey.." Her soft voice brought him back to the present. Watching how he was avoiding her gaze, Sanam reached forward. "Don't do this."
"It's going to be there.. The scar.." Aahil said indicating the scar he had across his forehead. "Whenever I take a look, they remind me of those painful hours of my life. I can't get through my demons, Sanam. I can't."
This was the first time she witnessed of him showing affection in front of her. Sanam realized that there was a reason of why he had behaved the way he did. Hiding such valuable information from her.
"I thought I could handle this. I thought I could face the hardships, because that's what I'm supposed to do. Fight for the best, but.."
"It's okay to show feelings. Your heart is not weak by doing so."
He shook his head. "I don't want to ruin your dreams with my nightmares. You don't deserve the misery."
Sanam bit her lip, staring into his deep brown eyes. She could see a hint of sorrow behind his strong gaze. All her mind could register was how she reached a hand forward to place it across his chest. "Neither do you."
Sanam paused slightly withdrawing her hand. "The scars... It'll make you realize how you survived the most difficult time of your life. There will come a day where all these things will vanish.. The memories would no longer matter and be long forgotten. You just need to have faith. Can you have faith, Aahil?"
There was something about the way she whispered the words. An unknown feeling crept behind her brown soft eyes. Did he just... Was it possible for him to confess whatever he thought he had seen? Or was it all his imagination?
Her voice brought him out of his vivid thoughts. "I asked you one time weather you were ready to grab into a hand which was seeking out to help you."
Sanam extended a hand forward with eyes fixed on the man in front of her. "Are you ready to grab into it now?"
Lowering his eyes into the flat hand, Aahil wasn't quite sure what to do. It was too late for him to turn back now. Honestly, it would be a lie if he said her words hadn't helped him to cope with whatever he had been through. Somewhere along, he could see a small light igniting at the end of the tunnel. Maybe there was hope for him after all..
Aahil stepped closer and slipped his hand into hers. Sanam tried her best to hide the small spark she felt the minute his hand touched hers.
Shaking her head lightly, she smiled gently before whispering. "Come."
Leading him into the hallway where the small wooden colored dining table stood with various lunch meals.
Aahil took a glance around. "How did you...?"
"I've been here enough to know the timing around here. You're going to begin the lunch with the thought that whatever you are feeling is a process. It's all that matters."
His silent stare was all the answer she needed.. And more..
-----
A Few Hours Later:
"Was it hard?" Sanam asked taking a glance at the various plane models standing on the shelves.
Aahil followed her gaze. "Sure. When there's something you enjoy, it no longer comes a task but passion and you're willing to do anything to accomplish it.
Sanam kept staring at him, admiring the man who stood before her. For a second she didn't recognize the voice behind his strong words.
"What else do you enjoy.. Besides planes?"
"Silence." He spoke taking a brief glance at her. "Silence is what I wish to have as my own."
"Do you find comfort in it?"
"Wouldn't you?" Aahil went toward the garden area and sat down on the lower steps.
Sanam didn't respond and simply followed his stare.
"It's beautiful, isn't it?" Sanam spoke letting her eyes wander around the big green garden. Various colors such as red roses, white lilies and purple tulips made it more livelier.
"I don't understand why you've never spend some time out here before. Much better than isolate yourself in that darkened room of yours. There's something about closing your eyes, feeling the wind and be thankful of the these small moments."
"Hmm.." Aahil responded. "Didn't seem like I had anything to be thankful of.."
"You always have something, maybe you just don't know it yet."
Aahil wondered if a person like her ever had any insecurities, fear or a hidden part of herself. Was she always this... righteous and straight forward?
A half smirk began to appear across his face, thinking how he found himself staring at her far longer than necessary. Why was it that every time he would stare at her, he found it hard to remove his gaze. What was it about her?
"Stay here, I'll be right back." He registered her voice as he watched her get up and disappear into the living room behind him.
Coming inside, Sanam looked around as if she was searching for something. She then began to collect a few things and quickly scribbled something down on white sheet of paper.
"You managed to accomplish the drawing task. Let's see how clever you really are." She returned back only to hold into various frames and papers. "Tell me what you are seeing right now?"
Aahil ignored the question, not being able to go pass the small remark she threw at him. "Are you doubting my skills?"
"Oh, don't look so surprised. You were only doing the exact same thing the other day. Remember how you mocked my skills. Let's just be thankful that your living does not depend on your painting skills." Sanam said trying hard to hid her growing smirk.
He raised an eyebrow trying hard to be serious even though his own eyes were betraying him. "So this is your idea of payback?"
Were they flirting? Definitely not..
Sanam shook her head. "Focus Aahil. Empty your mind."
"What?"
"Empty your mind. Close your eyes and let every thought leave your mind. Please do as I tell you."
Aahil gave in and did as she told him. Trying hard not to think about something, he managed to succeed.
"Now, open your eyes. What do you see?" Sanam asked staring into his gaze while holding into a frame in front of him.
"You." He spoke softly. "I see you."
"And?" She said taking a small glance down into what she was holding.
"A picture frame."
"What kind of picture? Describe it for me."
Aahil stared at her a long while, not fully understanding what she was trying to do.
"It's a picture of everyone." He said noticing a lot of familiar faces were looking into the camera.
"Who is everyone? Who do you see, Aahil. Describe them for me. Name them." Sanam softly demanded.
He took a look back at the picture. "Me.. Rehan.. Lateef.." Sanam kept flipping through the frames.
One of him standing with his colleagues from his pilot training..
Him standing beside an aircraft..
Him giving a thumbs up while sitting into a jet before taking off..
As she kept going through the pictures, a white sheet of paper came across where Bhopal was written in big letters.
Sanam's face softened a bit. "All these names and people you came across right now, care about you. Much more than you ever think. This should be your thoughts to get through the nightmares you're having. You are not alone even though it can get a bit lonely sometimes."
All Aahil could do was consider her words. Her deep and encouraging words.
She gently leaned forward, reaching for his hand and placed it over his own heartbeat. "You feel that? This is what matters the most. I know it's going to take a while for everything to heal and the rest to erase, but you cannot give up. Know you are not just another human being, but someone with a kind heart.. Even when you hide behind a mask which is not always needed..."
Sharing a long look, Aahil felt an unknown feeling crept through his body. Was it hope?
Sanam blinked realizing how close she really was. Not knowing what had clouded her mind for a second, she stepped back from him.
Removing a few strand of hair which fell onto her face, she smiled awkwardly before turning to collect her things.
"There comes a time where we either wish to rewind, pause or fast forward a moment in our lives. But the thing is, it's not that easy even knowing how much it would make things easier.."
"Which part would you personally change or pause?" Aahil lingered his gaze on her, not wanting to ruin the moment. What secrets are you keeping?'
It wasn't after a few minutes later that realization hit her. Sanam was losing herself... without her knowing.
----------
A woman in her 40's stood collecting her files in silent. A big wide board stood behind her where various theories were scribbled down.
The big hall was empty yet Sanam gently stood admiring the woman from afar. "Is the lecture finished or is there still room for one more?"
The woman looked up in surprise after breaking into a warm smile. ".. Sanam? How good it's to see you. How have you been? It's been a long while since I last saw you. Almost three years."
Sanam smiled back, approaching her. "It's good to see you too. I've been fine. I hope I'm not disturbing."
The woman, named Sayda who had been an old professor of Sanam's, shook her head. "Nonsense. This is why I am here for."
"How about you? I see you still give lectures. I still have all the notes saved from the courses."
"Of course you have." Seyda smiled as she finished to pack her bag.
"I was actually just passing by thinking maybe you would still be here at this hour. Mind if we take catch up over a cup of coffee? My threat." Sanam hoped she could talk to the woman who had taught her all she knew.
10 minutes they were sitting inside a small coffee house, already having ordered their hot drinks and engaged in a conversation.
Sayda reached for her coffee as she took a small sip. "How is the city treating you?"
Sanam nodded truthfully. "Great. I finally understand what everyone said about feeling the air and taking in the atmosphere. I guess, you can say that I am glad I moved. Something I should have done a long time ago rather than traveling back and forth whenever a lecture was present ."
"Only you could have done it. I see hundreds of student every day but they are never quite like you."
Sanam couldn't help but blush as her cheeks turned light pink. Reaching for her own coffee, she took a few sips.
They sat talking about how Seyda was planning to take a long trip to Europe with her husband and two kids. "Well you deserve it." Sanam responded.
"We all do." Seyda spoke noticing a distant look in her eyes and how quiet she had become.
"How has work been? I hope it doesn't keep you too busy now days"
"It has been great." Sanam answered trying her best to shake the unfamiliar thought to overpower her mind. "It has certainly taught me so many things which I will take forward with me.."
"Who have you been guiding lately?"
"Someone who needed help to overcome stress and memories. It has been a long and tough process but we're still going through it."
Seyda studied her closely. How her tone was hesitant and tender. How her fingers slowly came to rest on her lap. How her eyes chose to look at outside then focus on her. She didn't even have the need to ask as she could already count the signs herself.
".. And you are facing difficulties because...?"
"I'm not facing any difficulties." Sanam shook her head.
"Someone has even occupied your thoughts too?"
"How can you tell?" Sanam bit her lip and knew very well that there was not one single thing she could hide from her mentor.
The woman leaned forward with a proud smile. "Oh, you're forgetting who taught you all these small bits of knowledge. Now, what is going on in the head of yours?"
Sanam exhaled gently before explaining what was keeping her awake the most nights. "You know how I have always had a strong belief that you should always remain professional in whatever department you work in. Never get yourself personally attached nor show any signs of pity. But never did I think that it would be this hard... I needed to speak with someone who really knows me and that person was you.. I still remember how we were taught not to get ourselves too close or interfere too deep."
Sanam paused as her eyes clouded. "Maybe I have committed a grave mistake of all."
Seyda raised her eyes and nodded slowly. "Who are you exactly counseling at the moment? Is it a man?"
"Yes."
"Is he handsome?"
An awkward laugh escaped her lips not knowing how else to response. "What kind of question is that?"
"I'm waiting, Sanam."
Sanam took a look outside the coffee shop watching how people were passing by. "Yes. He's not bad to the eyes."
"Very well. I can tell you are at least honest. Staying honest will help you to save the pieces from falling apart. As long as you're being honest toward him and yourself, then nothing else matters."
"What about my professional life? I am his psychiatrist. I am supposed to guide him through the hardships he is facing." She shared.
"Tell me, Sanam.. Do you think you can you stay honest? We all have choices, don't we?"
"I suppose we do." Sanam nodded sharing a brief look with her as she understood what she really meant.
"Look at what basis you chose to study and observe him. I'm sure you're already aware that we all have different perspectives toward life. We do not seem to be the ones we might think we are. It all comes back to how you value yourself and what you really think you can accomplish. I can assure you, that analyzing human nature is the most fascinating thing anyone can do. There are billions of things you overlook only because our own insecurities overshadows our real credibility."
"Wait.. Can you repeat that one more time? I really need to pen this down." Sanam chuckled lightly. Seyda shook her head joining her in the light moment they shared.
"What amazed me the most was despite of not having to join the Air Force, he still chose to risk his life for others."
"What does a man have knowing he has nothing to lose? Not even inheriting the title as the Nawab could save him from despair of loneliness. In the end it's what you believe in which saves you. In other words..."
".. Is only yourself." Sanam whispered completing the sentence.
Seyda smiled warmly at her, knowing she must have a lot of thoughts circling around her mind. "I don't want to sit here and tell you what should be done or how you should feel, because those feelings are yours to hold. I think you already know the answer you're looking for."
Sanam raised her gaze and nodded. All there was left was to engage herself in a long thoughtful process. It was going to take some time.
***
To Be Continued!
Hello Lovelies. Hope you enjoyed the read. Do tell me how you guys thought of it. I'll try to update as soon as I can as some things are slowly coming together... Or something... 😉
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