Good days of English are went, writes Sajid Khan

Good days of english are went, writes Sajid Khan

Wednesday, 15 April 2015 - 6:00am IST | Place: Mumbai | Agency: dna | From the print edition

Sajid Khan

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Sajid Khan asks, is it our English teachers in school, our friends, families, neighbours, the kind of exposure we have to cinema, books, magazines or perhaps the lack of it? Is that what compresses our confidence to almost an average level when it comes to speaking English correctly?

Yesterday I was watching an IPL match and was amazed. No, not at the hard-hitting sixes or the mechanised fielding but at the various commentators' command over the English language. Right from Shastri to Sidhu to Gavaskar, they truly speak the language well. Their pronunciations are correct... well...except for Rameez Raja's. His 'e's are 'a's and 'a's are 'e's...AVERYONE WILL CHEER FOR THIS ESTOUNDING AFFORT!!!! Shoaib Akhtar is a different case. Itna fast bolta hai, kuch samajh mein nahi aata! After all, he was the fastest Bol-er in the world (bad joke??!? I'm just warming up kiddos)!

In school, I was the Spelling Bee champion but I was also a smart alec - a very risky combination. I remember at the inter-school Spelling Bee competition, the teacher asked me to spell Mississippi and I spelt, MRS SIPPY...

I was dispatched from the competition faster than a ball hitting Gayle's bat. She said, "I'm ashamed you don't know Mississippi". And I said, "I'm ashamed that you don't know MRS SIPPY, wife of the guy who made Sholay." She got further enraged and she told me, "You are punished. Go to the detention KAYBIN." To which I said, "Ma'm, I will go to the CABIN, not KAYBIN." Phir se pada mujhe Gayle ka chhakka!!

Cut to 20 years later. It was 1999 and I was in New York hosting a Bollywood awards nite feeling incredibly excited that the next day was a holiday and I would finally be able to purchase my favourite film, ALIEN, just out on DVD. This heroine (she was a filmmaker's muse who cast her in almost every film he made) told me she also loved horror films. "Please also perchaze me a DVD of AALIEN," she said. And I was like AALIEN???...AALIEN???...Ooohhh...

The next day, she bumped into me in the lobby and asked, "Why didn't you get me my AALIEN?" And I said, I swear there was no movie called AALIEN. She called me a kanjoos and walked off. This showman director who was overhearing our conversation turned to me and said, "You are a very naughty. Toone jhooth kyun bola usko? Maine aaj hi khareedi AALIEN!!!! I'm big fan of Ripley Scott." That's what perplexed me and all night I couldn't sleep (that's also because I was at a strip club) thinking about these pronunciations. Ripley, sorry, Ridley Scott probably got it wrong. The actual word is AALIEN and all these years, we thought it was ALIEN (just kidding)! And that's exactly what I felt like - an alien... an illegal one...when I heard these words: "You want another lap dance hon? That'll be 20 dollars more!!!"

Sometimes I wonder - is it our English teachers in school, our friends, families, neighbours, the kind of exposure we have to cinema, books, magazines or perhaps the lack of it? Is that what compresses our confidence to almost an average level when it comes to speaking English correctly? Because even though we can, most of the times we don't.That's why I liked the film 'English Vinglish'. It was real. True. And entertaining. Hats off to the director Gauri Shinde whose husband is another talented filmmaker, R. Balki.

(PJ alert)

What do you say when Balki decides to donate all his skin? Bal ki khaal nikal gayi!!

Long back, I dated a DHT (Dari Hui Tourist). Aren't they all??? Believe you me, her English was not too great either as she had a foreign accent but took immense pleasure in pointing out vocabulary mistakes committed by us (i.e. Indians). She wasted no time in picking out faults, especially with cabbies who used to tell her, 'Yess ma'm, I will take you to Sirok Hottail' (Sea Rock Hotel). Actually it was a case of the pot calling the kettle black..."Baby, will you FATCH ME OFTER MY PHESUN SOW PREKTISS?" she would ask. And I used to say, "Of course baby, I love you too." Deep in my mind, I knew the good days of English were went!!

The problem is the solution. Unplanned pregnancies are usually a problem (and all problems need a solution) but in these cases, the problem was caused by the solution!!!Nahin samjhe? Rent a copy of Vicky Donor, which my library waala calls Vicky Donar. Similarly, we Indians don't pay much attention to the English we speak but there are many Indians in India and across the globe who speak English the way it's supposed to be spoken and most of the times, even better than the English folk. So the moral of the story is - read more books, see more English movies with subtitles preferably and remember one more thing... What's in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. Unless you have a blocked nose!!!

But before I bid you adieu, do you want to know who the showman director was? Well, I can just tell you that I went to see a Samantha Fox concert in Delhi during the early 90s and he was the main compere who introduced her on stage by saying, "Ding dong, Samantha sing song!!!"

http://www.dnaindia.com/entertainment/column-good-days-of-english-are-went-writes-sajid-khan-2077430

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*Humshakals, Himmatwala, Housefull,...😛

I think here he is talking of Ghai and muse of another director. My guess is Ash as she was SLB's muse. If he is talking about Ghai then the muse of Madhuri...Mahima was cast in only one movie.