It was all about his di. Di.. as the smiling hopeful would be mother receiving gifts and blessings from all. Di.. as the wonder struck woman sharing the first photographs of her child. Di.. declaring he was soon to be an uncle.. tum mama banane wale ho.. she had said.. And on the many roles he donned for his family had got added one more..
Di.. who always came as the shy happy young bride, before screams echoed into that dark haunting night.
Di.. who lay on a hospital bed.
He had stood across a glass door perhaps in this very same hospital and watched how brittle happiness was. His Di had a pair of surgical scissors in her hand and a cornered desperate look on her face. She had been driven desperate by her love for a vile man. Willing to kill her the very life that she had so longed for, but now the baby is gone and a man stands helpless watching from across a glass door.
While the whole family gathered around a fragile looking Anjali, Arnav Singh Raizada watched from far.
"main di ko is haal mein nai dekh sakta", he will later confess.
If it was all about di for him.. for me it was all about him..
A sickening twist of plot had led to this melodramatic scene. Was I interested? Not really, but there is one man on screen emoting such a sense of tender pathos that I can't help but feel for him.
He has made it his duty to shield di from any form of unpleasantness. Di's happiness was his responsibility. He stands defeated. A man who never gives up seems to have laid down his armour to mourn. Acutely hurting, he can't even be near his di. The man is most severe with himself. He has set himself high standards, and where di is concerned, he thinks, he has failed utterly.
All his focus is in that small room where di lies on that bed. First delusional. Then crying. He has let her down. And her pain is too much to bear for him.
Long back babuji lay severely ill, paralyzed, he had supported Khushi. Sat a chair further away from a crying girl, who had shown no one else her tears except him. Today he shares his worst fears with her. He is inconsolable seeing his di in pain. di is in misery, that he has no control over.
Never, not even when he found Khushi in another man's arms, his di's husband's arms, was he as defeated by life, I feel, as he is today. Then, he still had hope of being able to protect di. There was anger which he wore as a shield. Today, as he paces those hospital corridors still in his regal sherwani, he is powerless.
"Wada kiya tha maine di se.. Ki hamesha unhe protect karunga".. He had vowed to protect hamesha..
"Par dekha tumne kuch nai kar paya.. Bloody failure".. In his eyes he sees himself as a failure..
"Bahut koshish ki maine.. Shyam meri di ko dhokha deta raha aur main kuch nai kar paya".. He tried hard, but Shyam cheated on di and he could do absolutely nothing about it..
Then unravels another tragic tale. That fateful night.. The night this stories always seems to come back to.. "Us raat bhi main kuch nai kar paya tha" .. He could do nothing that night.. It all comes down to that calamatic night.. He is haunted by those images.. At a certain level holding himself responsible for his inability to save ma..
Now that I rewatch these flashbacks.. There is lots to question.. It looks like there were more such women.. And why would the father also kill himself? In remorse? In embarrassment? Doesn't seem akin to the father's character though.. And the mother.. to kill herself and leave her children to fend for themselves? Maybe Anjali gets traits from her.. She kept calling out to Shyam, while her feet bled.. She was ready to kill her child one day when he had been thrown out of Shantivan..
Disturbing questions in my mind. Sadly one's that will never get much closure. In fact given how lightly this would all be treated it almost seems foolish of me to write about it with so much serious thought.
The story was laying out the bricks for the revelation of the dusri aurat.. If he was this close to seeing who she was then all the more after the marriage ASR and Garima deserved some sort of closure on the incident.. She was already a motherly figure to her. She had understood him, teased him, in her quiet way showered love and blessings on her son like damadji. He called her aunty and respected her.
"Kisi aurat ke sath najayaz sambandh the".. And that aurat will turn out to be the mother of the girl he dearly loves.
That is why the violent reaction when he thought his jeejaji and his Khushi were having an affair.
"Main kuch nai kar paya. Di aaj phir ro rahi hai. dard mein".. He is burning in hell. Helpless.. ASR likes to be in control. That is what he worked for, relentlessly, all these years. And this money that he earned was not a whim, not for power, but a sense of security. To never have to ask others. Never have to depend on anyone. To be able to provide for di.
"Jab di thori khush ho jati hai mujhe lagta hai sab thik ho gaya".. Fundamental truth of his life. How simple are the words that capture this profound feeling. His world has revolved around making sure his di, his only living closest relative, is safe and happy.
He has needed her as much as she needs him. He might have turned heartless, hardened by life's sorrows, which maybe a bright cheerful girl would also not have been able to break through, had it not been for di's softening influence. Someone who nagged, and teased, and loved.
"I don't know why everything goes away.. Ma.. Baap.. Pati.. Ab bachcha" .. Raw sadness that cuts right through.
"Phir se wahi sab ho ra hai Khushi".. Moment ago he stated with a compelling sort of vulnerability.. It was all happening again and however hard he tried, he and di were right were they had been fourteen years ago ..
I really did feel like weeping when he said this.. Not for Arnav Singh Raizada, but for the man who emotes all that this dejected brother, desolate son, anguished man feels. I want to weep in frustration that such sheer talent goes unseen.
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