Polemic Jackanapes#3: Complete [NOTE + BLOG LINK Pg69]3rd Jan - Page 24

Six colors do not make a rainbow and sincere efforts do not go wasted.

Arnav found answers and Khushi found the want to make her efforts work.

Sab theek hoga.

Sorry Twiggy for taking so long. My house was getting renovated and I wasn't much on IF

Absolutely wonderful chapter...

Don't know why but I'm rather impatient to read the next chapter, Twiggs.

Originally posted by: 1chilly

Don't know why but I'm rather impatient to read the next chapter, Twiggs.

Could you please post it a little sooner this time!

Chalo, for you I will try and post it by the end of this week. 😃

Caught up with this story after a gap of about two months. Loved all the updates especially chapter 32.

Weekend yahan... Update hai kahan?

Chapter 33:

"Are you happy now?" Garima screamed in frustration as she drank some water and sat down on the couch with a heavy thud. "Do you finally have what you wanted for your daughter? You told me you did everything to ensure her happiness. You call this happiness? I have never heard my child sound so ...distant, in my entire life! She hardly spoke!"

Shashi wanted to say something to pacify his wife, but he felt like he had suddenly lost his voice. And his words. What was he to say? He was also a bit disturbed after their conversation with Khushi on the phone. She had been unusually quiet, not offering to say anything beyond the answers to their questions about her wellbeing. It had been over five weeks since she had left, her return having been postponed twice over the course of this time. It seemed as if the exhaustion was finally getting to her, but something told Shashi that there was more to it. He couldn't put a finger on it, but he knew his daughter was not the same person he had bid goodbye a month back.

"What, you're not going to say anything now", Garima spat as she held his arm and forced him to look at her. She knew she was equally to blame - had she not made the choice to support him? Yet, in that moment of panic and deep sorrow, reason escaped her. "You always have an explanation, don't you? What happened this time? You're not going to tell me that this is all for her own good? That we are doing this to ensure her independence in future?" she swallowed the painful lump in her throat. "You promised you would speak to her. You promised you would make everything alright. Why didn't you?"

He was still short of words, and felt like it wasn't in him to face Garima right now. But he couldn't afford to do that - Garima deserved an answer. He had single-handedly made the decision that had led up to this argument. He didn't have the luxury of escape. Slowly, he placed his palm on Garima's as he bought some time to gather his thoughts. "I had every intention of talking to her, Garima. I still do. She was just so busy before her trip, and she couldn't stop talking about all the work this whole project involved. I didn't want to distract her...I thought it would be okay to speak with her when she returned. That way we could all start on a fresh note.", he spoke, forcing himself to face Garima.

With a start, she pulled her hand away from the spot underneath his and crossed her arms. "And what did that achieve, Shashi? What did any of this achieve? We saw our daughter go through four years of turmoil and heartache. We saw her constantly struggling to push herself to do something she didn't enjoy. And now, at the end of all this, I feel like we have lost a part of our daughter forever. We took something from her, Shashi - something that was essential to who she was. My heart broke when I spoke to her today - where is that effervescent bundle of joy that was my Khushi? Even Payal has not been able to break though this wall she seems to have built around herself. When she left, she couldn't stop talking about how much she missed being at home. She hasn't even mentioned that in that past two weeks. What have we done to her, Shashi?"

He didn't quite agree with Garima, in fact he was sure she was overthinking. But this wasn't the time to voice it. He didn't believe they have managed to break Khushi - his daughter was stronger than anyone gave her credit for. He sensed in her not anguish but quiet strength and acceptance - but whether that stemmed a fundamental change in who she was as a person, he couldn't say. He only hoped she had found strength in a way that would ready her for the rest of her life, for her to see the world for what it truly was. It was almost time to set her free from the shackles he had forced on her four years back. He was beginning to see now, despite how Garima saw it, that the intent behind his decision was finally coming through. He was ready to pay the price for it, but hoped fervently that Khushi wouldn't have to.

"Shashi, please say something.", Garima pleaded. "Say something so I can remember why I stood by your decision all these years. I need to know that I haven't wronged my daughter. Tell me Shashi, why did we do this? Why did we thrust our choice down our daughter's throat when we ourselves fought the world to do what we thought was right? Why did we delude our daughters into believing that they were free to make their decisions in life? That we trusted them to take the right call? Or did we just fail to keep our biggest promise as parents?"

For the second time that evening, Shashi found it nearly impossible to look into Garima's eyes. Every one of her questions felt like a knife twisted into his heart. It was the brutal truth, something he had confronted in solitude, but to see Garima burn in the same fire was unbearable.

"Not you, Garima. You haven't made a single mistake, you haven't made a single empty promise. It was me, the whole time. Four years back, you made a choice to stand by me as my wife. All these years you have been Khushi's support. Please don't ever blame yourself. Whatever the outcome, this one is on me." he sighed as he got up from the couch and moved towards the window. His eyes registered none of the beauty offered by the city skyline. "I always dreamed of being the kind of father my daughters would be proud of, you know. I wanted them to be able to come to me with any problem they had - whether it was studies or boys. I wanted to be a step above our previous generations. Imbibe all that was good about them and learn from their mistakes. I wanted to be the Dad who stood by his daughters, who allowed them all the freedom they rightfully deserved to make their own choices. I wanted to be someone they could look up to. And for the longest time, I thought I was doing a decent job at it. I never wanted Payal to change despite what everyone else around me said. I was happy to let Khushi call the shots with respect to her relationship with Arnav. But somehow, my fears got, and still get the better of me when it comes to Khushi's choice regarding her career. In one moment, I realised that I was perhaps not the person I thought I was, not the father I thought I was. I wanted to support her, Garima. I really did. But the standards I had set for myself suddenly ceased to matter and I became... just another father. Conservative, traditionalist, scared. I didn't want any risks for my child, and I absolutely hated to think that my daughter would ever have to ask anyone for money or support. She will always have us, and I know she will always have Arnav. Yet, I know she will never ask, and I don't want her to have to."

When he turned around, Garima was shocked to see his eyes shining with tears. Yet, his voice was clear. "I was the one who failed to live up to my promises, not you. I let my daughter down. It's not that I never doubt my decision, but if we were to go back in time, I wouldn't do it differently. It was a risk I took knowingly, a decision born from my deepest instincts. I can only pray that I wasn't wrong. Unlike what you think, I still prize independence over everything else in life. And that is what I ultimately want for my children. I may be crossing the fine line between pragmatism and narrow mindedness, but for what Khushi wants, there is no real independence without a backup plan. And in this world, despite what we would all like to believe, that backup plan is income. Money cannot buy happiness, but you and I both know that without money, happiness is unaffordable. Khushi doesn't know that yet, and I don't want her to. But if there is day this truth hits her in the face, I want her to be singularly ready for it. "

Garima wanted to disagree with him - there was no right or wrong, no pragmatism or foolishness when it came to her daughter. It was only Khushi's longing that mattered. At least, it should have been the only thing that mattered. Fortunately or unfortunately, she knew better. She hated her ability to see reason in Shashi's argument. Isn't that why she had stood by his decision in the first place? It was an odd predicament - she wanted Shashi to be wrong, and perhaps he was. Yet, she couldn't refute any of his reasons.

She would always be guilty of not standing by her daughter, of breaking her trust, of not letting her follow her dream. However, just as Shashi, she wouldn't do things differently if she had another chance. It was a terrible choice to have to make, and she had made hers. The rest was up to Khushi - her actions, her choices, her destiny. Whatever happened, guilt would be her constant companion. For Garima, there would be no absolution.

* * *

Khushi smiled as she made her bed that night. She spread a thin sheet of cloth on the rudimentary jute cot she slept on. There was no pillow but she used a saree lent to her by one of the village women as a blanket. Sometimes she wet the saree before wrapping it around herself to beat the heat.

She made it a point to speak to her parents every night before she went to bed. Their conversations had become shorter over time, perhaps because she was unsure where to start and where to end if she were to talk about her days here. How was she to articulate the peace she found in the extreme physical effort that her work involved? In the sweat that drenched her to the bone, in the large glass of lemon water in the sweltering afternoon heat, in the gurgling sound of the engine in her gasifier unit. She hoped her parents had seen through her silence.

It had been over a month since she was here, and now she was at ease even in this little village so far away from home. She had friends and companions, work that kept her busy all day and sleep that embraced her each night. For the first time in four years, she found both pleasure and purpose in what she was doing. She had managed to make friends as soon as she realised what was missing in her attitude when she had first approached the locals - empathy.

They did not expect anyone to pity them; their life was well organised to accommodate the lack of basic facilities for most part of the day. In fact it was inspiring - the strength and dignity with which they lived their lives even in the face of the worst miseries. However, they didn't appreciate advice or instruction from an "outsider" who had never seen their world and made no effort to understand it. It took Khushi some time to understand that - and once she did, there was no looking back. Their attitude towards governance or any external interference had come to mirror that of governance towards them - indifference. If she wanted to get them involved, she'd have to win their trust. The first successful test run of their engine unit had given her that breakthrough; when the villagers witnessed an hour full of well-lit bulbs and the sound of the noisy cooler from the sarpanch's house, they had finally come to accept her as their friend.

She involved them in her project from that point on - in sourcing raw material, watching over the gasifier, training them to run the unit, walking them through the design so they would be well equipped to take care of it even after she left. If she was short of manpower before, she had little work for the new volunteers now. She took efforts to optimize their initial design, making changes to ensure maximum efficiency. She had been thrilled to hear the pride in Merchant's voice on the phone when she had suggested ordering extra safety equipment for the villagers to use while they helped out at the site. At the peak of exhaustion, she felt alive.

It was tough not to notice the poverty that the villagers lived in, the unimaginable and unfair distance between her world and theirs. It took further effort to not let the resulting anger overwhelm her and continue working with a sane head. But she had learnt to do that now, and her work seemed more and more effortless.

As she went to bed that night, she realised that she had managed to surprise herself during the course of this trip. After initial adjustment issues, she had managed to adapt her lifestyle to gel seamlessly with the locals and the living conditions in the village. For someone who had lived a life of comfort in the city, she found it startling that she was rather at ease with a way of life that was so basic - it centred around work and the rest of the elements hardly included anything besides absolute necessities. So invested was she in the project that she had found herself disconnecting Karthik's call earlier that day. He had called when she was in the middle of their final test run, and she'd made the decision to not take it in an instant. It wasn't an impulse or a reflex action - it was something she had done consciously. She knew then that things had changed. She had changed and so had her priorities. But she wasn't complaining. She was strangely at peace with the change she felt within herself; she didn't try to fight it, instead, she welcomed it with open arms. She didn't have the will to fight because she was happy - happy with the steady rhythm of life she had discovered here, the contentment she felt at the end of each day, the harmony in her mind and body being in complete understanding with each other. The happiness she felt was not elaborate or grand, but basic and uncomplicated.

She thought back to the day when Payal had advised her to make a firm choice and prioritize rather than juggling with multiple things at the same time. She had decided to heed to it then, but never thought it would land her here. She had inadvertently redefined the vision she had for her life - all the things that mattered and all that didn't. Two months back if someone had told her that she'd voluntarily postpone her return from this trip to ensure its success, that she would feel so comfortable living in a remote village, that she would cut Karthik's call because she wanted to take pressure readings for the nth time - she would have laughed at the preposterousness of the suggestions. But today, they were all true, and she didn't even know how that had happened.

Perhaps it was when she had first seen the hopelessness in the tired faces of the children who had no real future, when she had seen the eyes of all the people light up with the bulbs that lit their homes, in the faith they had placed in her, in the fear she had felt when she realised that the faith meant that they thought she had the power to change their lives. It was a terrifying thought, but it was that thought that had been driving her to push herself as she had. It had to work, there was no other way. The fear had transformed into determination, and thanks to that, she was almost at the brink of success.

Their gasifier was running, the multiple test runs had been successful, Merchant himself had visited them the day before and given his go ahead. Tomorrow was the d-day. If all went well, she could go back home in peace and with something to be proud of for the rest of her life. If it didn't, she would work harder and do whatever it took to make it work. She felt the excitement run through her veins and her hands trembled with nervousness. There would be no sleep for her tonight.

She did fall asleep eventually, as it was only next morning that she saw the text Arnav had sent late last night. "All the best"

Yes!! Res!!

That was wonderful!

Shashi: Shashi's thought processes present an interesting dichotomy in terms of placement of trust in Khushi. He trusts her enough to make the right decisions in relationships but not career. And judging by his guilt, he seems to be quite cognizant of this seemingly aberrant thinking. What remains to be seen is how he deals with this guilt and the self-realization it stems from.
Hopefully, proactively.
Having said that, I also feel that he's being too hard on himself. Parents are humans too and just as prone as the rest of the humanity to make mistakes, parenting or otherwise. That he pauses to introspect, rethinks his decisions and doesn't consider himself infallible redeems him in my eyes.

Garima: Like Shashi, I can't help feeling that she is overthinking too. Her pressing the panic button based on assumptions from a phone call seemed unwarranted to me. And going ballistic on Shashi, whose decisions she had stood by until now, a thoughtless, knee jerk reaction that she's going to regret every word of.

Awesome, thought provoking chapter , Twigs :)