Chahu main ya na(maybe my last os)

Chahu main ya na

I closed my eyes and she was jumping with a smile which never left her face and my smile faded away. This can't happen. I cannot see her. Ok. Let's try again. I with all the determination I could gather made my eye lashes fall on my skin again. Again the same jumpy face. God...why on this earth cant I get her out of my mind. I took a deep breath and tried to remember her, her smile, her long straight hair, her rosy lips with strawberry lip gloss, her chocolate brown orbs or were they light shades of brown? I took a photograph kept in my drawer. She in her white kurti and purple salwar was standing with my bike. Light shades of brown they were...big and beautiful.

From when did I need to depend on a photograph to see my suchi'. Weather she was there or not, I saw her with open eyes and now a photograph tells me the color of her eyes. How can I do this? How can I let her memories dust? How can I? I rested my head back with her picture on my chest as my throat experienced a familiar bitterness.

I held her hand tight as her breath became heavy. Doctors and nurses roaming around and doing futile attempts. The beep is getting too slow. The voice also too low. She pressed my hand tight and everything stopped. Her grip on my hand lost. She lost. I lost her. I lost me.

2 years and nothing changed. I being like a vampire who smiled for his friends, lived for his family and did not attempt to kill himself physically for his suchi.

Only 2 months and everything had new life. I still remember that day as yesterday when she entered St. Louis college and made my life a rollercoaster ride.

"dance" "dance" "dance". Hoots filled the air while everyone assembled in the canteen to see how necks of these new bakras called newbies are going to cut. I so hate new session. Who can dance on the canteen table in front of the whole college on their very first day? And then I saw her in rugged jeans, a pink top and wavy hair coming till her shoulders and the next moment she was on that table dancing and shouting the song's lyrics. Note to self- call mental asylum.

Breath in. Breath out. Breath in. Breath out. Why cant she just leave my mind alone. I need some fresh air. I kept the photo back and went out to give my mind some peace...at least try to do that.

I roamed in the corridors of campus. I love living in hostel. Only friends...no family who worries about you and asks in every two minutes about your well being. And I touched the ground...ouch. I need new slippers. I took that pair of stupid things in my hand when I realized I was standing near the same spot where I had my first conversation with her...well kind of.

I was on her while she was on the ground. She had dark chocolate brown eyes which were as big as saucers right now.

THUD

And I got her finger prints on my face. I got off her and she blabbered and blabbered and blabbered...how much can one speak. I was listening to all this just because vickey pushed me. Note to self- punch vickey hard.

Without my notice my lips curved up and I began walking again. I passed the classroom and my mental cells tickled again.

I was crying. It was suchi's birthday. Thank god no one listened to me but the closed door did open. There she was. So cool and relaxed in her hot pants and balloon top.

"rey..."

I listened to her confused voice.

"I don't want any more sympathy...I got a lot to fill my stomach already. Just leave miss. kriya ghai."

She locked the door behind her and came and sat at a distance.

"I know kya hua hai with you and..."

"so...whole college knows. Mujhe koi bakwas lecture nhi sun na on how to move on. Just get lost."

I held her arm tight. My eyes red with anger, pain and cries.

THUD

And she had slapped me again. This girl got guts.

"koi mujhe aese nhi touch krta...touch krna hai toh pyaar se kro wrna rhne do. And which idiot said that main koi lecture deni wali hu. Nhi karna move on mat kro. Aapki dead girl friend, aapki life, aapki marzi...how do I care? Main toh bas yha thodi shaanti ke liye aayi thi. And pehle bhi yhi khe rhi thi that I know kya hua hai with you and I don't care. So aap yha ro sakte ho and I will just have some good cigarette."

And she actually did that. I was crying there and she drunk that cigarette. How insensitive. It was quite peaceful and she spoke again.

"wanna have a sip?"

She really offered me that. Ahh...I hated her that moment.

"suchi hated cigratte."

I spoke and took it from her and she smirked. I so hate myself.

"today is her birthday."

"wanna celebrate it?"

"how?"

"I know an awesome place."

And she smirked again.

I actually had fun that day. I don't even remember when before that I had that much fun. She really is mad and made me mad too.

This was followed by millions of fun moments. She started making me happy. I talked about suchi with her and she talked about each and everything anyone can name. last 2 months and I only remember hearing voice. I have never talked in my entire life as much as I talked in the past 2 years but she never called me her friend. Maybe we weren't. We were always something else. She made me...ummm...me.

I went out of college and saw the place where my life again suffered a twist...the garden.

"you play wonderful guitar."

She chirped excitedly.

"mujhe bhi seekna hai..."

And with this she came near the guitar...near me. she touched the guitar chords and my heart made a noise. She looked up smiling and her brown orbs stuck in my black ones. I don't know what I did, why I did, who initiated it but I know that her hand was on my cheek and her lips on mine.

Slow. It was very slow. Beautiful. Just beautiful. I felt as if I was flying. I deepened the kiss and next moment I stood up and walked away.

I know she must have cried. She must have felt rejected and I am sorry for it but I cant cheat suchi. I actually did but I didn't wanted to. 3 days and I feel incomplete. She is ignoring me. she said everything is ok but I know its not. I want her. I need her but why? I...I just need suchi...yes...but I cant get her out of my mind. Why cant I get her out of my mind?

My heart giggled and said "because she was never in your mind."

*-*-*

I jumped in the dark room with a quite audible voice making her realize of my presence.

"rey!!!"

"hi baatcutter...thank god tum hostel me nhi rhti wrna wha risk factor bahut bad jaata nhi...?"

"aap yha itni raat ko kya kr rhe ho and why did you came from window?"

"to tell you where you live."

"what?"

"question should be where..."

"ahh...where?"

"in my heart..."

THUD

When will she stop slapping me like that?

"that was for leaving me like that...pta hai kaisa lgta hai jb koi kiss ke beech me chod kr chala jaata hai...it feels as if you are not good enough. How do I know ki aap mujhe phirse aese nhi chod ke jaoge..?"

I smirked and the next thing I know is that I was upon her on her bed telling her lips whose property they are from now.

yes people the title reads correct...it could be my last os.

i am becoming an unactive member on if ...just aint time aaj-kal...i dont know phir IF par properly aane ka mauka phir kab mile...so this is my good bye gift to you all...love

-manavi