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Hello All
As promised, I am back with the Ishita Ramblings about the rain connection she shares with Raman. This one was written in a hurry, so please excuse the grammatical and typing errors.
Raman's part, in case you haven't read it: Raman Ramblings: Rain and Realisation
***
As I drive him home, its very hard for me not to stare at his hand. The kerchief I tied wouldn't sustain for long. He needs to get the wound properly checked. I don't understand what happens to him some times. He sits there looking at me with a face that expects me to understand. I don't know what there is to understand. I saw the husband in him beat up Param for coming in my way. Where does that husband go when he's defending Shagun in court? The rain is falling harder now. My hands are still reeling from the effect of his touch, the possessiveness he sometimes shows with me. "I am not going to leave you, you are my wife" he said. As if that sentence was in sync with any of his actions in the past few days. I almost don't see the car in front of me and apply the brakes harshly. In a split second, his hand is on mine and he's telling me to drive carefully because it was raining.
Ah, the rains. I remember those days in my childhood where rains means getting out to play in the mud. The dancing without any music, the sweet scoldings from Amma and then hot cups of milk to warm us up. I used to love the rains. I don't know how I feel about them any more. As I overtake an auto-rickshaw, I cannot but remember my encounter with Raman during our first rain together. It feels silly to call it 'our rain'; and 'together' we were not. I remember how angry I used to be at this man. I used to be bewildered at how someone could treat their child the way he treated Ruhi. How could a man not fall in love with his daughter? How could he avoid talking to her? How could he even feel disappointed to look at her?
I smile now when I think of my thoughts that night. I was so mad at him that I hated him walking with me. As ungrateful as I was of his company, I was shocked when he held my hand and stopped my fall. I hadn't realised how close he was, and that thought comes back to me with every rain. I remember a tinge of humanity in his eyes when he offered me his jacket, and then some anger when I refused it. I saw the chivalry when he let me get into the auto first and the hesitation of accompanying me. I saw all that, but none of it absolved him of his greater crime; his lack of emotions for his child. Here I was, a woman devoid of any hopes of having my own child and there he was, a man with no respect or acknowledgement of the fact that he has a kid.
It takes him some time to take his hand off mine. I look at him but don't say anything. While waiting of the signal, I take my phone out to see if Sarika tried calling me for anything. My work is suffering along with the other aspects of my life. I just want all this to be over. I smile when I see Ruhi's picture as my wall-paper. THats the one thing that brings me out of any sad mood I am in. I think of all the times Ruhi has tried to try and bring me and Raman together. I don't have the heart to tell that child, that this may never be possible. Not if he is still hung up on her mother. I wonder where that would leave me? The stopped rain starts again, and wakes me out of my self-pity. I remember that day he hugged me. They were moments that I still don't comprehend. If someone asked me now, I really wouldn't be able to coherently describe the emotions I went through in those few moments. I don't know if it was the rain or his closeness that seemed to remove all the traces of negativity from life. I felt as if everything would be OK again. And then I heard those 3 fateful words. That is when I knew it was a dream. It was something that someone was playing as a joke on me. And to think I almost hugged him back! Being with him in the rain scares me now.
I was horrified to see the way he just beat up Param. I ran to stop him instinctively, but he didn't. I saw Shagun approaching him and stepped back. I seemed to be getting constant reminders of her presence in my life, and at some point I'd have to stop and think about how that makes me feel. Why am I mad he still cares for her so much. Is it only because its my Amma she has hurt? Would I react like this if he was helping her in a completely unrelated matter? Would it still hurt so much? I don't think I want to know the answer to that, not right now. Not when its raining already, how many more tears can I take?
I shake off my fears for the moment. I dont think this is the right time to contemplate. I should be more worried about his hand right now, and make sure we get home OK. I know that look in his eyes when we see the board warning drivers against drinking. I dont mean to mock him, but my smile must have seemed sarcastic. I saw him looking down immediately. I should have handled that better.
I feel his warmth on me again when I remember the night when he got back from the resort. Alone, drunk and in a mood to wake up the whole world and shout out his fears. If only this man could talk to me. That is all it would take; for him to tell me whats hurting him so much. What is it that he cannot tell me, does he not know that I wouldn't judge him any more? I remember trying to calm him down that night. I had to ask the watchman to step back and I had to take control. I knew he wouldnt harm me, even when he was completely out of his senses. I saw the helplessness in his eyes then. It wasn't deceit, it was defeat. I should have known he wouldn't break down like this unless he was really stuck between a rock and a hard place. So I listened to him curse himself, his fate and his actions. I listened to him tell me he didn't need anyone. But I couldn't leave him alone. How could I? A man hitting rock bottom wouldn't necessarily know that he needs help. Did I not sign up for this? Didn't I think worse of him when I married him? How could I desert him now?
As I connect the dots with the drops of rain, I cannot help but be shocked by the effect he has on me. I don't know what to name it, but I feel a pull. The pull that isn't there because of Ruhi any more, the pull that is getting stronger. Its just me and him, sitting across each other, trying to talk, but not knowing where to start. And with every look on his face that opens him up more to me, with every tear we try and hide behind the rain-drop, I think to myself "I hadn't realised how close he was"
"I woke to the sound of rain." - Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar
*** How was it???
As promised, I am back with the Ishita Ramblings about the rain connection she shares with Raman. This one was written in a hurry, so please excuse the grammatical and typing errors.
Raman's part, in case you haven't read it: Raman Ramblings: Rain and Realisation
***
As I drive him home, its very hard for me not to stare at his hand. The kerchief I tied wouldn't sustain for long. He needs to get the wound properly checked. I don't understand what happens to him some times. He sits there looking at me with a face that expects me to understand. I don't know what there is to understand. I saw the husband in him beat up Param for coming in my way. Where does that husband go when he's defending Shagun in court? The rain is falling harder now. My hands are still reeling from the effect of his touch, the possessiveness he sometimes shows with me. "I am not going to leave you, you are my wife" he said. As if that sentence was in sync with any of his actions in the past few days. I almost don't see the car in front of me and apply the brakes harshly. In a split second, his hand is on mine and he's telling me to drive carefully because it was raining.
Ah, the rains. I remember those days in my childhood where rains means getting out to play in the mud. The dancing without any music, the sweet scoldings from Amma and then hot cups of milk to warm us up. I used to love the rains. I don't know how I feel about them any more. As I overtake an auto-rickshaw, I cannot but remember my encounter with Raman during our first rain together. It feels silly to call it 'our rain'; and 'together' we were not. I remember how angry I used to be at this man. I used to be bewildered at how someone could treat their child the way he treated Ruhi. How could a man not fall in love with his daughter? How could he avoid talking to her? How could he even feel disappointed to look at her?
I smile now when I think of my thoughts that night. I was so mad at him that I hated him walking with me. As ungrateful as I was of his company, I was shocked when he held my hand and stopped my fall. I hadn't realised how close he was, and that thought comes back to me with every rain. I remember a tinge of humanity in his eyes when he offered me his jacket, and then some anger when I refused it. I saw the chivalry when he let me get into the auto first and the hesitation of accompanying me. I saw all that, but none of it absolved him of his greater crime; his lack of emotions for his child. Here I was, a woman devoid of any hopes of having my own child and there he was, a man with no respect or acknowledgement of the fact that he has a kid.
It takes him some time to take his hand off mine. I look at him but don't say anything. While waiting of the signal, I take my phone out to see if Sarika tried calling me for anything. My work is suffering along with the other aspects of my life. I just want all this to be over. I smile when I see Ruhi's picture as my wall-paper. THats the one thing that brings me out of any sad mood I am in. I think of all the times Ruhi has tried to try and bring me and Raman together. I don't have the heart to tell that child, that this may never be possible. Not if he is still hung up on her mother. I wonder where that would leave me? The stopped rain starts again, and wakes me out of my self-pity. I remember that day he hugged me. They were moments that I still don't comprehend. If someone asked me now, I really wouldn't be able to coherently describe the emotions I went through in those few moments. I don't know if it was the rain or his closeness that seemed to remove all the traces of negativity from life. I felt as if everything would be OK again. And then I heard those 3 fateful words. That is when I knew it was a dream. It was something that someone was playing as a joke on me. And to think I almost hugged him back! Being with him in the rain scares me now.
I was horrified to see the way he just beat up Param. I ran to stop him instinctively, but he didn't. I saw Shagun approaching him and stepped back. I seemed to be getting constant reminders of her presence in my life, and at some point I'd have to stop and think about how that makes me feel. Why am I mad he still cares for her so much. Is it only because its my Amma she has hurt? Would I react like this if he was helping her in a completely unrelated matter? Would it still hurt so much? I don't think I want to know the answer to that, not right now. Not when its raining already, how many more tears can I take?
I shake off my fears for the moment. I dont think this is the right time to contemplate. I should be more worried about his hand right now, and make sure we get home OK. I know that look in his eyes when we see the board warning drivers against drinking. I dont mean to mock him, but my smile must have seemed sarcastic. I saw him looking down immediately. I should have handled that better.
I feel his warmth on me again when I remember the night when he got back from the resort. Alone, drunk and in a mood to wake up the whole world and shout out his fears. If only this man could talk to me. That is all it would take; for him to tell me whats hurting him so much. What is it that he cannot tell me, does he not know that I wouldn't judge him any more? I remember trying to calm him down that night. I had to ask the watchman to step back and I had to take control. I knew he wouldnt harm me, even when he was completely out of his senses. I saw the helplessness in his eyes then. It wasn't deceit, it was defeat. I should have known he wouldn't break down like this unless he was really stuck between a rock and a hard place. So I listened to him curse himself, his fate and his actions. I listened to him tell me he didn't need anyone. But I couldn't leave him alone. How could I? A man hitting rock bottom wouldn't necessarily know that he needs help. Did I not sign up for this? Didn't I think worse of him when I married him? How could I desert him now?
As I connect the dots with the drops of rain, I cannot help but be shocked by the effect he has on me. I don't know what to name it, but I feel a pull. The pull that isn't there because of Ruhi any more, the pull that is getting stronger. Its just me and him, sitting across each other, trying to talk, but not knowing where to start. And with every look on his face that opens him up more to me, with every tear we try and hide behind the rain-drop, I think to myself "I hadn't realised how close he was"
"I woke to the sound of rain." - Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar
*** How was it???
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