I was more emotionally sound till she passed away: Arjun Kapoor

Arjun Kapoor, 28, looks more like his mother Mona, but is a spendthrift and emotional like his father, Boney. His mother was a movie buff, who always wanted Arjun to do a Dharma romcom, as he loved Karan Johar's brand of cinema. While her wish has come true and Arjun plays the lead in 2 States, she is not alive to see it. Arjun opens his heart to Bombay Times. Excerpts:

Talk about your father Boney Kapoor?
I look like my mother, but behave like my father. My father is a genuinely nice guy and very generous to anybody and everybody. He likes to live life kingsize and he doesn't know any other way and I love that about him. He is as emotional as I am, but his emotions are more visible than me. Learning from his mistakes, I am more guarded. The fact that he is emotional leads to more problems at times than solving problems. You can call him at 3 am and he will be there. He gets emotional about me also and what makes him most proud about me is the fact that I have made it on my own. I, too, am very proud to be his son and he knows that. Whatever I do, I am representing him in this profession. I always wanted to make my mark and make him proud. His BB status when Ishaqzaade released was 'Father of Arjun Kapoor.' It's very easy to use what happened between my parents as a crutch to ruin my life. I could have been just sitting around, sulking and grumpily feeling how life had dealt me a pathetic game and I had to fold. But I have battled my way through reasonably well and he likes the fact that I am independent and yet go to him if I need advice and always keep his thought process in mind.

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Is it cathartic shooting Tevar with your father in Agra?
This is the most amount of time I have spent with him at a stretch. I have never lived with him and so, this is extremely special for me that he is in the next room as mine. My equation with him has only grown stronger with this film. My most favourite time is when he is with me on set, seeing me take a shot. What I love about him is that he is a person who gives you a lot of privacy, be it before I became an actor and even now, when he can interfere far more. Since we did not live with him, he didn't know that I carry my food from the hotel on shoot or whether I work out before or after or how I don't get out of my room post shooting or how much masti I do on set. Work is our bonding factor.

Let's talk about your mom?
My mother was the nicest person in the world. I still have people coming to me to say how she was so warm, generous and kind-hearted. She never washed her dirty linen in public. She always maintained her equations with people. She had an equation with all the family members. She made a selfless choice by not shifting out of my grandparents' house, as she wanted us to live with our family and having a wholesome environment. And we got so much love and care, which is what will sustain us for the rest of our lives. She never lived with negativity. If she would have, then, it would have festered through me and I wouldn't be sitting in Agra shooting Tevar for my father. I represent her at many levels. She was clear that whatever happened with her will not influence how we are with him. She wanted to be independent and put all her energy to becoming that. And that was commendable as she started only at 35. Till my parents were together, she was not working, but post their separation she had to fend for herself. She had learnt being around my father and post their separation, started a five-floor TV studio in Goregaon with my nani and mausie, which, after she died, they run. I also know for a fact that our father has always been there for whatever we needed as kids, even though he has been through his own ups and downs and made his choices.

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What did your mom want to correct about you?
She saw my appetite for working hard when I had to and knew that laziness was not inherently part of my daily structure, but just something I went back to be in my comfort zone. She knew my sense of responsibility, but allowed me to be my own person. So today my success, my failure, my discovery of myself, my misgivings about me as a person, is because of what I have done in these 28 years. She liked that I was emotionally pretty sensible and dealt with it reasonably well, otherwise I could have made life hell for her and for my father. She always told me, 'You have been good kids and the least of my problems.' She said that she needed to be concerned about us, but never worry about us. Today, I am a very independent, emotional person. If anyone knew my emotions, it was only my mother. She understood even before I could speak. I grew up knowing that my mom anyway had to deal with a lot, so I never wanted my baggage to be anyone else's and always handled my own shit. She was my friend and I miss her every moment, but more in good moments. Bad moments I know anyways I would have dealt with myself. When I went to Ishaqzaade in a normal hall and people came and took pictures of me, I wished she had been there to see that. I wanted my mother to see that she had brought me up well enough and that I could survive. She was discovered in the third stage of cancer and when I look back, I can only wonder what hell she must have gone through to put me through that ease of shooting in Lucknow. She was undergoing chemotherapy, losing her hair and taking care of herself. And she had survived all that and celebrated her birthday on February 3 and then suddenly, she collapsed in front of me in my arms on March 25. Her cancer had spread to the brain and even though doctors had told us that she had six months, she died all of a sudden. Four months into her illness, nobody knew that she had cancer till my grandfather passed away, as she didn't want to tell anybody. Just my nani, mausie, Anshula and I knew. She didn't want it to come out and it didn't. She was a very strong person.

Who do you love the most in the world?
My sister Anshula. I am such a closed person in terms of my emotions, but my way of showing my emotions is to be doing things for her, rather than saying it. She understands me more than anybody else. She almost puts herself second, seeing the struggle I have had to go through to reach wherever I am. For her, my work is more important, my feeling emotionally correct is more important, my not feeling troubled is more important. She thinks I don't notice it, but I know that. She is a very sorted girl. I was always my mother's strength and Anshula, her emotional weakness, as she never got our father at all. My mom knew that since I had faced the storm with her, I would be able to handle life better than Anshula. My father, too, was more protective about her and is more attached to her. I am sorted versus the practicality of life, but my emotional fulcrum is totally messed up, as I lost my backbone. I can't discuss it with anybody, as no one can solve it. I can't make peace with it. I just have to live with it for the rest of my life and find happiness in the daily aspects of my life, be it my work, taking holidays or my friendships. The reminder of her not being there is a constant. My room is next to hers. It's something you can't forget or let go. Her room is exactly the way it was when she was there. Every time I walk in, I see her room and for me, she is there at home. When I am away, it is easier for me to deal with it than when I am at home. That is also one of the reasons I have this burning desire to keep working. I don't want to sit at home. She used to work and come back home. I was useless and jobless and would all the time be at home, hanging out in her room. There was a cupboard in her room, where she would stock all the goodies and knick-knacks, which you should otherwise not eat. She kept it there, as she knew that I would not barge into her room late night to eat. The goodies would be taken out when guests came and then put back.

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Have you come to terms with your father's second family?
I am resilient like my mother and have the ability to face any kind of storm. For my mother, being emotional was her strength, whereas in my father's case, it is his weakness. He feels that the choice he made is his emotional choice and he has to carry it on his shoulder everyday. He has two more children and has another wife. I was a very happy fat kid. Eating was my way of release, so I would just go to McDonald's and just sit and eat. Even in school, when I could not face the uncomfortable questions asked, I would hide and eat. Eating was my escape. Sanju chacha was most concerned about me as he saw me everyday just wasting my time eating, watching movies, not moving my ass. My mother lived in my grandparents' house for our sake, but for my father's family, it was not that my mother was the only one and they respected his second wife, too. So for me as a child, it was not all hunky- dory accepting that my father's family had accepted his choice. I have tried to put it behind me, but it takes you time to come to peace with yourself. Of course I am vulnerable, but it's not something I flaunt. I was more emotionally sound till she passed away. I am an emotional mess now. Earlier I knew that whether I did something right or wrong, I could have gone back to her and asked. Now I can go back to nobody. My mother, without voicing it, had been furious that I had dropped out of Class XI. She wanted me to go abroad, to explore life, to become a more well-rounded person. I still plan to do something about it in the future as I can't go at this stage in my life. The independence my mother wanted me to get then is what I have got now. It's quite ironic that she had to go away for me to discover it.