Chapter 3 - In Retrospect
He certainly hadn't picked up on her reluctance to answer him earlier ending in this.
He never realized how a conversation about his sister' infidelity could raise some very valid questions on his own marriage. His marriage with Ishita.
They wanted Ruhi. They love Ruhi, and it was reason enough for them to get married, if it meant that the court would grant Ruhi' custody to them.
They had figured only the part about being Ruhi' parents. Her mom and dad.
They never got around to discussing their own lives, their futures and their roles as a couple, a husband and wife in this.
Not until now.
Agreed neither of them entered into this relationship seeking each other' love or companionship but how can a marriage last in the absence of even cordiality between the spouses?
They had wanted Ruhi so badly for themselves; neither had picked up on the part which involved them having a relationship beyond being Ruhi' parents, beyond being Mr. & Mrs. Bhalla for namesakes and being actually responsible towards each other now. Being answerable for one another.
Beyond having a relationship that is present only for the sake of it.
How will they make this relationship work?
It was a punch in the gut to Raman as he processed what Ishita just said.
He is her husband. She is his wife.
They are married. Oh god they are married.
Had it not been for Ishita' tears he would have probably started hyperventilating by now or perhaps just walked out of the room, but she was, is crying and there is no denying that her tears are for a very valid reason.
A reason for her, for him, for them.
So Raman did the only thing he could, he closed the distance between them and sat down besides Ishita. Without realizing his actions, without any further thought he gently laid a hand on her shoulder and hoped she would stop crying.
The tears lessened over the next few moments, but he could still make out Ishita' pain and her dejection.
Somehow seeing her broken up pained him to no extent.
He had loved Shagun with all his heart, and yet that marriage had failed.
He can be sure of Ishita loving Subbu wholeheartedly as well, and just because she is infertile he had left her.
As if that was her fault. A choice she made voluntarily. If as an educated, cultured modern man he couldn't get past his primitive, patriarchal mindset and follow his heart than how will this marriage ever work when they aren't even in love?
Heaven knows he loves his children and would lay down his life for them without a second thought, but had Shagun been unable to provide him kids... he would have gladly stayed by her side and decided to stay childless or should she have wanted it - adopt a kid or two or go for surrogacy, he would have supported her, no questions asked.
He wouldn't have left her for something so clearly beyond her control.
He doesn't know what kind of a man can go back on his love, his promises only for the sake of society. Cannot fathom caring for the whispers and taunts of the people enough to leave the one he wanted to spend his life with. He could have lived with the stares and words of the society but cannot imagine backing down and abandoning the woman he loves just for posterity's sake.
How does a person like that live peacefully? Sleep at night knowing they broke someone' heart for no fault of theirs.
He cannot imagine what it takes to be that person.
He is about to say something when she begins again and any other time perhaps he would have cut her off, but not today.
"Raman I realize we did not marry for love, but can we at least do being cordial? Because god knows I have given it my best shot but I can't. I simply cannot be Ruhi' mom; not like this."
Wait! What?! What is she even saying?
"Huh?"
"I tried Raman, I really did but I cannot do this at all. I can't even understand what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to do it?"
"Wait, wait, wait what are you even talking about Ishita? Let me get this correct. Are you trying to tell me - you cannot be Ruhi' mom?"
"Yes... I mean no... I mean... I cannot be only Ruhi' mom ... can I be now?"
"You aren't making any sense to me even now... Care to elaborate on that?"
When Ishita does not speak for a few moments, he almost has a panic attack.
Can another marriage of his be ending already? So soon... no, no, no it cannot be. Fine they did not have the greatest of starts but have they gone so completely off the cliff here, already? This, no this cannot happen to him again! Another failed marriage?! Is he really so awful?
Why do people keep abandoning him? Walking out on him, his life? Is it none of them have it wrong and it is he who is to blame here?
He has to know... he has to find out.
"Ishita..." he begins dreadfully, if she says what he thinks she will, oh god it will kill him.
Finally she looks up at him with red rimmed eyes, wiping away her tears. And what he sees in her eyes, on her face stops his words abruptly, she... she looks as if she is in pure hell.
No, this is not going where he thought it was for a minute. Raman you... you are over thinking this, this, this is so completely on a different tangent here than you assumed.
"Raman... ever since I was a little girl I have seen my Amma and Appa so happy together, so very much in love with each other. I always dreamt I would have that kind of a marriage. My Appa he has never so much as raised his voice even when he had those cute tiffs with Amma. I always wanted a husband like that. But I know we cannot be like that. We are not like my Amma and Appa, our marriage is only a farce."
She says with a smile that lights up her tear-stricken face. And he can't help but stare at her, this woman who is his wife and even amidst tears - she looks lovely.
Shagun was, is gorgeous; he had fallen madly in love with her at first sight. And her deceit made him jaded enough to think every beautiful face is just a cloak that veils the ugliness within.
His ex-wife had made him weary of any beautiful woman; to him beauty had now become a sure-shot guarantee of deception.
And here, he is face to face with another woman who is undoubtedly beautiful, divine to look at, especially when she smiles and he can't help but think how different they are, his ex-wife and his current wife.
Ishita, she is beautiful inside and out - he, he can tell that without a doubt.
With Shagun, he finds it hard to recall - a moment when her goodness, her kindness had stumped him, left him speechless and awed beyond words. It was always about her looks, her outer beauty, that face - that angelic sweet face that ended up deceiving him.
He is still lost in his contemplation when she begins again, oblivious to him being lost in his own world.
It's the sound of her voice that snaps him back to reality, to the present.
"I know that, I do, but I married you anyways, for Ruhi. Raman... I wanted to become a mother so badly. I wanted my child but couldn't have any. And then I met Ruhi. I fell in love with her the minute I laid my eyes on her, I don't know how or why. All I knew was she seemed like the most precious little girl in the world to me. And as I begun spending time with her, I fell even more in love with her. For her I could do anything. She... she became the most important thing in the world to me. I just did not want to be a mother any longer Raman, not after Ruhi. I wanted her. I wanted to be her mother, Ruhi' mother.
I remember I was so scared once our marriage was fixed, not because you would be my husband or your family my in-laws. But because I was afraid of Ruhi not accepting me as a mother, even when she loved me. Especially because she was living with her own mother at the time. But she did."
He can see the joy of it on Ishita' face. The love for his daughter so evident. And it leaves him stunned all over again. The way she loves his daughter.
"And then she came and called me mama. It is the most beautiful memory of my life. The moment I cherish with all my heart. And I knew I was right, I had made the correct choice when I decided to marry you. Even if we don't love each other. Or may be ever will. This may be a compromise, but to me this marriage is important. This relationship is important."
Hearing her words... it's almost as if she has slapped him again, without even meaning too.
He hated her family, her initially. But he sees them now and knows what she means. Appa is a very sweet, loving man and he, try as he might has not even been able to be half as good to the daughter of the man.
He feels ashamed and embarrassed of his behavior towards her. The woman who loves his daughter so much, who made sure he did not throw away his chance at loving and appreciating that daughter in his own rage, insecurity, fear and stupidity when Ashok had brainwashed him into believing Ruhi wasn't his own daughter.
And just as he is about to summon the courage to make an apology to her, her revelation leaves him gob smacked.
"Simi can say that that I am here only for Ruhi. That I should mind my business, be the glorified guardian. But I cannot. How can I be only Ruhi' mom? I am Papaji and Mummyji' bahu too, I am the bhabhi of your brother and sisters. I am also your wife. How can I shirk myself of those relations and their responsibilities?"
"What? Come again."
"I am not just Ruhi' mom. I am Papaji and Mummyji' bahu, the bhabhi of your siblings and your wife."
"I get that Ishita; tell me about what Simi said to you."
"The day I learned of her affair, I confronted her and she said I have no right to interfere in her life. I am Ruhi' glorified guardian. You married me only because Ruhi said she would stay with me over you and Shagun. So I should not forget that. I may be married to you but I am not your wife, nor the Bhalla bahu or her Bhabhi. So I should just stick with being Ruhi' mom and stay away from the rest of the family, since I wasn't even wanted by anyone of you except Ruhi & Papaji"
"Simi said that to you?" he asks controlling his voice and anger somehow.
At her silent nod he is infuriated beyond words at Simi. Over their lifetime as any brother and sister do, he has had several fights with Simi. But never has the urge to slap his sister hard across the face ever struck him so strongly.
If she were present physically god knows he would have struck her here and now.
How can she say that to Ishita? Granted their marriage is a compromise, a sort of a deal but this... this was so low. Even for Simi.
How can his own sister say that to Ishita?
This is too much, just too much for one man in a day. No wonder Ishita was being so cryptic and so unlike herself. He feels suffocated and he has only just heard it. How she tolerated this for so long is beyond him.
Their marriage is a compromise, but they are married. Damn it Simi. How could you say those words?
And suddenly he is suffocating, drowning.
"I am not your wife any longer."
"I am your wife."
"I did not want Ruhi; you did, she is your daughter. Yours alone, so now you raise her, take care of her. Screw her up, but I won't let you ruin my life any longer or Aditya's. "
"I wanted to be her mother, Ruhi' mother."
"This marriage is over."
"This marriage is important."
"This relationship is finished".
"This relationship is important."
The words of the two women in his life, his two wives, an ex and a present, seem to be at war within his head.
He needs to breathe; he has to get out of here.
And before she can realize what is happening, Raman is out of their room and out of the home.
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