Part 40: Changing Equations
Khushi woke up with a gasp, panting for air. Her face felt extremely hot and she could bet anything that her cheeks were a flaming red; her stomach was filled with butterflies dancing in a very familiar synchronized routine. Like she did every morning, she took a look around her room to remind herself that it was just a dream.
"Devi Maiyya!!" She looked skywards and whined.
This was getting a bit too much. Never before in her life had she dreamed of a kiss. This kiss dream had been recurring every single day ever since Arnav had started living here. Not a single morning since then had she woken up otherwise. With each passing morning, the kiss in the dream would last a little longer, get a little more passionate. And as if all that wasn't bad enough, now it was all she could think of every time she saw him smile or talk; both of which he was doing a lot in the last week he'd lived here. As soon as he did something that drew her attention to his mouth, all she felt was this weird urge to kiss him. It was ridiculous. She was starting to feel like a hormone crazed teenager.
Its Friday tomorrow...after that, the kids will be home for the weekend. It will make it easier to keep my mind off of this dream! She thought to herself as she quietly got out of the bed after shutting off her alarm, lest she wake up Anjali and Ishan.
After her morning routine, she made sure the twins were up and about their morning routine. Once having done her checks on them, she got started on the breakfast. Twice, she burnt the pancakes on the pan since her mind kept drifting back to her latest version of the romantic dream.
Focus Khushi. Focus. It's just a dream. Calm yourself! You're a mother of two almost-five-year-olds. Get a grip. Stop acting like a 14 year old girl fantasizing about some celebrity crush!
After much difficulty, she settled the breakfast for the twins on the table and as if on perfect cue, they walked in cheerfully and sat themselves down. Khushi grabbed her cup of coffee and sat across from them, smiling at them affectionately as they chatted about their day ahead.
"We're going to practice today, right Mamma?" Adi asked.
"Once you finish all your homework, yes." Khushi wiggled her eyebrows at him.
"And he has to eat his vegetables tonight." Amber reminded haughtily.
Aditya frowned at her with a pout on his face. "Shh. Don't remind her!"
"Oh, but I remember." Khushi smirked. "I'm your Mamma...I know everything that goes on in that head of yours."
Amber smiled at him smugly while he stuck his tongue out in response. Aditya gave a sheepish smile to his mother but then his expression changed into a curious one.
"Why are your cheeks red Mamma?" He questioned.
The inquiry was completely innocent from the child's point of you. From his mother's point of view...not so much. Her eyes widened in shock and her cheeks burned a deeper shade of red.
"It's because your Mamma has been dreaming too much." Anjali gave Khushi an evil smirk as entered the kitchen and walked to the refrigerator stifling a yawn.
"What dream?" Amber questioned with raised eyebrows.
"N-nothing. It was a scary dream about monsters." Khushi was flustered suddenly as she tried to come up with a story. There was absolutely no way she was going to divulge the details of her dream to anyone.
"You should have taken Rocco!" Aditya gasped.
"I'll keep that in mind for tonight. No talking while eating. Finish your breakfast." Khushi said in a mock-stern tone.
As the kids resumed stuffing their mouths with the delicious pancakes, Khushi turned in her chair to give a dirty look to a smirking Anjali. In response to Khushi's glare, Anjali winked. Khushi turned back to face her cup of coffee and decided it was best not to talk about that topic until the kids were out of the kitchen.
Another ten minutes later, Amber and Aditya put away their plates in the sink. Khushi stood up from the table too; trying her best to avoid Anjali's teasing glances and smirks.
"Go and wake up your Buddy." Khushi ushered the kids out of the kitchen and they cheerfully ran off for the routine ritual of waking up their beloved buddy.
"Excuse me...dreaming too much? What dreams are you talking about?" Khushi asked Anjali right away.
"Oh you know...the ones you've been having since the last couple nights..." Anjali grinned widely. Khushi raised an eyebrow questioningly. "Oh come on Khushi...you know...you mumble things." Anjali stifled a giggle.
"Like what?" Khushi bit out.
"I think this morning it was...Oh, Mmm, Arnav" Anjali tried to imitate a sound that sounded a lot like a moan, much to Khushi's horror. Smirking some more at the crimson red blooming on Khushi's cheeks, Anjali picked up her cup of tea and started sipping on it leisurely.
"Mention that to anyone else and I will tell Aman that you've been dreaming about him too." Khushi retorted. Anjali's reaction was immediate in the form of a sputter and choking on her tea.
With a victorious smile, Khushi went to make sure that the twins had managed to awaken Arnav. When she walked in, she found the trio in another match of tickles and giggles. She chuckled and shook her head at them. Apparently, the father -twins' trio had found a new hobby.
Khushi burst into giggles as Arnav stood up and put up his arms by his sides, bent at the elbow as if trying to show off his muscular arms. Her giggles turned into amused chuckles when Amber and Aditya hung off from each of his arm and he carried them out of the room, leaving Khushi to follow them.
He set them back on the floor near the main door and kneeled in between them. Amber planted a kiss on his left cheek while Aditya kissed the right. Then, they scurried off towards the car after grabbing their bags.
"That was...new." Khushi smiled at him as she picked up her keys. "Breakfast is ready...you and Anjali can start without me. I'll see you in a bit."
Just as she was about to walk out, she felt him grab hold of her wrist. He gently pulled her towards him with a small smile. Glancing in the kids' direction to make sure they were distracted, he placed a gentle kiss on her temple.
"Drive safe." He murmured in his morning-husky voice.
Before her mind went haywire with the thoughts of her dream, Khushi gave him a smile and walked out. Arnav stood in the doorway smiling to himself as he watched her approach the car.
After their call to the Raizada family, Arnav had been worried that when she woke up next, she would be upset about it all and it will take time for her to recover. She had surprised him by being her normal self the very next morning.
Even though she was her normal self, their equation had changed. It was a change that was acknowledged quietly by both of them. There was something intimate in the way they'd cried together, supported each other. It was as if they'd passed some milestone. Their interactions we no longer limited to stolen glances, or small smiles.
Arnav had sensed the loss of hesitancy in his gestures in the last three days. He was aware of where she had set the pace of their relationship and he had no troubles at all catching up with her. Sharing innocent touches or quick hugs in the presence of the others was a norm now. Without any discussion on the matter, both of them were mutually aware of the fact that, for now, they were keeping display of affection to a minimum around the twins.
Arnav's shoulder had been officially promoted to Khushi's personal pillow. Whenever they sat together watching TV, or him working away and her sitting with him with a novel for herself, or when they sat out in the yard after the twins slept, she would, with ease, rest her head on his shoulder. Of course, his arms had developed a brain of their own now and whenever she did that, one arm automatically found its way around her.
The little changes in their relationship reminded him of the early days of their married life. It was almost as if they had travelled back in time to those days and were re-living them now. The only thing that kept reminding them that they were in the present was the presence of their children.
*
"We'll get the dishes today..." Anjali smiled, nudging Khushi out of the way and away from the sink.
Aman bowed dramatically and waved his hand in a wave, gesturing her to leave the kitchen. Khushi rolled her eyes and looked at Arnav who was leaning against the counter, observing amusedly. If this was Aman and Anjali's subtle' trick to give Arnav and Khushi some alone time, they were being exactly the opposite of subtle.
"Let's change your bandages then." Khushi nudged her chin towards his arm.
Nodding obediently, Arnav followed her out of the kitchen and into his room once she had grabbed the first aid box.
"Aman may as well be living here. He literally goes home just to sleep." Arnav stated with a chuckle as he sat at the edge of the bed and rolled up his sleeve carefully.
Khushi chuckled as she opened the first aid box and got to work. "He's just trying to spend more time with Anjali and Ishan...can you blame him?"
"Of course not. I've been trying to spend as much time as possible with you, Amby, and Adi, too..." Arnav smiled to himself as he watched her slender fingers unwrapping the dressing on his arm.
He looked up at her when her fingers paused and saw her looking at him, a smile tugging at the corner of her lips. She held his gaze for a second and then resumed nursing his wound.
Arnav continued to observe her. The range of expressions that crossed her angelic face was always amusing. As he watched her, he wondered how long he still had in this house with them. His injuries were healing well and in a few days, he'll be recovered. After his recovery, it would be him and Aman in that big house, without the echoes of all the laughter and sweet banters.
Arnav tried not to dwell on that too much and just tried to make the best of today. He was taking it one day at a time, one step at a time. The amount of damage control him and Khushi had managed was more than he could have ever asked for.
He broke out of his trance when she shook him gently. He looked at her with a questioning expression.
"I said it's done." Khushi pointed to the newly replaced bandage on his upper arm.
"Oh..." was all he could manage.
"Are you okay?" Khushi eyed him curiously. He was looking a bit lost in his thoughts.
He smiled at her and nodded. "Never been better."
"It will be a week tomorrow since the incident." Khushi noted as she replaced the items in the first aid box. "You know...it reminds me...I can't believe it slipped my mind...you said you wanted to talk about something that night..."
Arnav smacked himself mentally. He had forgotten about that too! All the suddenness of the case and then the craziness once he'd moved to Khushi's house had pushed that conversation out of his mind.
"I'm glad you reminded me...I did want to talk to you...It's about Adi and Amby." Arnav said seriously.
"What's the matter?" Khushi questioned. A weird sense of panic was rising within her. As far as she could tell, he loved the twins and they loved their buddy' just as much. So what was the issue? And then it hit her like a brick.
Did he want to tell the twins that he's their father?? No! It was too soon. Khushi wasn't ready to tell them yet. But how could she tell Arnav that without hurting his feelings? It had nothing to do with him! It was all her! She still hadn't promised him a future together. She hadn't said that she would go back with him. She had only agreed to try and see if she could eventually go back to him as his wife. So far, it was looking good. But what he was about to ask from her...her response was bound to hurt him.
"Look, I don't know where you stand on this matter...I don't know how you feel about this...I actually don't even know if you've given it a thought. And that's alright." Arnav reached out and took one of her hands in his, squeezing it gently. "You've made no promises to me of the future and I'm completely alright with that. I just...as of now, I'm fine being a Buddy' for Amber and Aditya. In fact...and you may disagree with me but, I think it's best we don't tell them that I'm their father yet." Arnav looked at her worriedly, afraid of her reaction.
Whatever Khushi had expected to hear from him...this was not it. That fact was evident on her face which displayed unmasked surprise.
"I don't mean to put any sort of pressure on you by bringing this fact up repeatedly but since the future is still uncertain...its best that they don't know...if you decide you can't take me back as your husband and that you'd rather have me leave...I will...and it will be a lot easier for them to get over their buddy'. If they find out what my relationship to them is and then comes a time when I need to go...they'll be hurt...and I won't have any of that. You might disagree with me but-" Arnav ate the rest of his sentence as Khushi threw her hands around his neck and hugged him tightly.
He had managed to see a glimpse of tears in her eyes and he felt horrible for being the reason behind them. Had he hurt her with his words? Did she want to tell them that he'd their dad? Before he could say anything or do anything, Khushi pulled back and smiled at him, albeit tearfully.
"Thank you." She sniffed and blinked rapidly to make the tears go away. "I have thought about this and this is the one thing we both agree on."
Arnav released a breath he hadn't realized he was holding. He gave her a genuine smile.
"I just didn't know how to say this to you...I...I didn't want to hurt your feelings. I know it must be hard for you to be not able to hear them call you dad...but..." Khushi paused, trying to think of how she wanted to end the sentence.
"But I'm here with them. I get to see them, talk to them, play around with them...and that matters more than what they call me." Arnav finished for her.
Khushi looked at him meaningfully and saw the honesty of his words resonate in his expression. How had she ever thought that this man would try to take away her kids from her? What the hell had she been thinking?
*
Arnav and Amber worked away in the farthest corner of the yard, tending to a daisy patch which was ready for its June bloom. Khushi and Aditya were also in the yard, using the open space to practice for their dance routine. Warm hues of the sunset surrounded them as the air cooled steadily.
To an outsider, the scene would have looked like a normal everyday routine of a happy family. A father guiding his daughter through caring for a daisy patch, a mother trying to help her son perfect some dance moves, the father and mother exchanging sly glances and affectionate smiles while the children merrily made faces at each other when their parents weren't looking. A perfect picture from the outside but the closer one looked, the more flaws could be found. It was true of most families and the one present in Khushi's backyard was no different. Even the happiest families had small issues to deal with; it isn't anything abnormal.
Soon after the sun had set, the four had gone back indoors to have their dinner that Anjali and Aman had volunteered to prepare. Khushi was grateful that Anjali had stopped her teasing after the morning session. Perhaps, her threat of telling Aman that Anjali dreamt about him kept Anjali's mouth shut. Whatever it was that kept Anjali from bringing up the dream again, Khushi was thankful for it. The children chatted away about their day at school, while Aman and Arnav talked business. Anjali and Khushi tried to partake in both conversations to best of their abilities.
After dinner, a long game of Monopoly kept everyone busy. Aman and Arnav had a friendly little argument when Aman tried to cheat by trying to move his token a few spaces ahead on the board when the others were occupied. Aditya and Amber had joined the wagon, reprimanding Aman for his unfair ways while Anjali and Khushi quietly pushed their own tokens ahead a few spaces without anyone's notice.
"Anjali aunty!!" Amber looked scandalized when she realized what her innocent looking aunt had done.
"Haww! So unfair!" Aditya huffed, crossing his arms and pouting disapprovingly.
Arnav looked at Khushi's token's position on the board and looked at her with raised eyebrows. She gave him a sheepish smile, having been caught in her cheating.
"Alright...let's start a new game tomorrow without any cheating...for now, Amby and Adi...you two need to sleep." Khushi announced.
And like every night, the twins dragged away their buddy for a bedtime story. That was no longer Khushi's job. Anjali and Aman were still arguing about the cheating when Ishan let out an annoyed wail.
"Well...that's my cue." Anjali giggled as she picked up her son and bid Aman goodbye. Khushi knew that Anjali wouldn't return back to the living room now. This was Anjali's way of taking her leave to give Arnav and Khushi some time together, alone.
As soon as Aman and Khushi were alone in the living room, Aman started helping her out put away the board game neatly.
"Anjali said she has something important to tell me about the past..." He said in a hushed tone.
Khushi looked up at him seriously. "And?"
"I told her that whatever it is doesn't matter to me...but she's adamant."
Khushi nodded. "Rightly so. It's an important part of her life Aman...You have the right to know...I can only hope that you will listen to her with an open mind."
"It really doesn't matter to me what her past is Khushi M'am..."
"Oh please. Stop with the M'am. Just call me Khushi. You make me sound like some fifty year old woman." Khushi chuckled. "Jokes apart, Aman...you should really hear her out...it will help you understand her better...know her better."
Aman nodded thoughtfully as they stood up. "Okay...but I'm telling you right now...I don't think it will change the way I feel about her."
I really hope so, Aman. Khushi thought to herself and gave him a smile.
*
"Perfect...I can tell him to go ahead with these designs then?" Aman questioned Arnav as he got into the driver's seat.
"Yeah...and remind him about the edits I made in the clause for the contract." Arnav shrugged, indicating that that was all.
Aman turned the key in the ignition and started the car. "I'll see you tomorrow, then."
"See you tomorrow. Good night." Arnav gave him a small smile.
Aman grinned in response. He liked these changes in his boss. He sent a silent thank you towards Khushi, who was responsible for all the positive changes of late in Arnav.
Arnav made his way back into the house once Aman's car had turned the corner around the street. With each step, the faint tune of music got a bit louder. Instinctively, he walked towards the yard after closing and locking the main door. He had expected her to be practicing for her dance routine but instead, he found her walking along the edges of the yard, looking at the various blooms and plants that were growing lusciously, pausing for a longer while at the Daisy patch.
As if she had felt his presence behind her, she turned to look at him and immediately her smile widened. This time of the day was something they both looked forward to, Arnav more than her. It was the hour or more they had to themselves in each other's company, surrounded by the cool night air, an occasional gentle breeze, and the perfume of mixed fragrances of the various flowers around them.
Without a word, both of them walked towards their usual sitting spot; the bench by the rose bush. As usual, Khushi questioned whether the twins had slept, and he answered her with a nod.
"Your daisy patch is looking good." She complimented as they took their seats.
"It was all Amby...I just gave her some tips. She's a natural with this...she is damn good for her age." Arnav was truly impressed by Amber's gardening skills at such a young age.
"She's thrilled that you help her out...I tried getting into it for her...so that I could supervise and stuff but I never really connected with it...sometimes Kripa helps her out with it. I'm better with my jalebis." Khushi giggled.
"When you have time on your hands, Amby and I can give you gardening lessons...it's really not that hard." Arnav teased.
"No thanks!" Khushi laughed. "I'll stick to sweets and cooking."
"That's unfair!" Arnav retorted. "I made jalebis...twice!"
Khushi pouted cutely. "But...gardening is boring. You don't get to eat the results of your work."
Arnav laughed out loud at her excuse. "Don't let Amber hear you say that gardening is boring."
Khushi laughed with him as she rested her head on his shoulder. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders to make their position more comfortable for her. Khushi inhaled deeply, taking in the wonderful scents that surrounded her. Roses, jasmines, hyacinths, and Arnav. A contented sigh escaped her lips, making Arnav smile with similar sentiment.
They sat in companionable silence for a few minutes, just listening to the soft music playing, almost like background music in movies. Who said you had to constantly talk to have a good time? Arnav and Khushi managed to have a pretty great time in these silent pauses as well. Each usually lost in their own thoughts, each basking in the company of the other, in their own feelings and emotions. The silence had a certain meditative quality. It was as if silence was conveying what words could not.
"I love this song." Khushi whispered absent-mindedly as one of her favourite tracks started playing.
Khushi closed the distance between them and rested her head on his chest, over his heart, moving her arms from around his neck to around his torso. She let her eyes flutter close as his heartbeat blended flawlessly with the music playing from the portable CD player. His arms wrapped around her more possessively and she felt him place a gentle kiss on her head.
Kyun ki tum hi ho, ab tum hi ho
Zindagi ab tum hi ho.
Chain bhi, mera dard bhi,
Meri aashiqui, ab tum hi ho.
Kyun ki tum hi ho, ab tum hi ho
Zindagi ab tum hi ho.
Chain bhi, mera dard bhi,
Meri aashiqui, ab tum hi ho.
"Khushi?" He whispered huskily as the ending piano notes of the song fluttered in the air.
Khushi pulled away from him just enough to look into his face. His eyes captivated hers instantly and she stopped swaying to look back into his deep chocolate brown orbs. Their proximity and the atmosphere immediately reminded Khushi of her dreams of late. She was sure that the small flicker of emotion that danced in his eyes was echoing her own desires.
Her heart skipped a beat and then thundered as she realized that this was the moment when her most recent dream would come true. She felt the warmth of his hands move from her waist and engulf her face, his eyes never leaving hers, their bodies merely a centimetre apart as she held on to him.
She was sure that he could feel the tremors of her skin under his touch. She didn't know who moved their face closer to the others but she registered that now they stood with barely a couple of inches between their lips. So close, yet so far. Her lips parted slightly on their own accord and her eyes fluttered closed when she inhaled his warm and minty breath. She drew in a shaky breath, preparing herself for the feel of his lips against hers.
And then everything changed very fast. His warm hands no longer held her face, his minty breath had moved away, and she felt her arms hanging in midair awkwardly as he pulled out of her embrace. Her eyes flew open and she looked at his face. He looked scared. His hands were clenched into fists by his side while he looked at her wide eyed.
"I'm...I'm sorry." He muttered and the very next second, he walked past her and into the house, leaving her as still as a statue in the middle of the yard.
Khushi's arms fell limp by her side. A feeling of rejection and disappointment washed over her along with a strong wave of anger. This is how one felt when they were so close to a dream coming true and then it came crashing down the next second. She had dreamt this moment almost every day for the past week. She had been ecstatic that he was taking this step forward instead of her. She hadn't indicated that she was uncomfortable with this. How dare he walk away from her like that? How dare he let her dream shatter?
Driven with the same feeling of anger and rejection, she turned on her heels and made her way determinedly to his room. Without bothering to knock, she threw the door open and walked in, letting the door slam shut behind her.
He turned to face her and her angry expression hit him like a physical blow. He had ruined it. She was supposed to set the pace of the relationship and he had almost crossed a line today.
He launched into an explanation immediately. "I'm really sorry! I know I said you could set the pace of the relationship...and I am completely fine with that...I just...I don't know what happened...I got carried away in the moment and I didn't mean to cross any limits...I just..."
His rambling continued and Khushi found some of the rejection ebb away. So he walked away because he was worried he had out-stepped some boundary??
Dragging in an air cloud to fill her lungs, Khushi clung on to the little sliver of courage in her heart and walked up to him, completely ignorant to his still ongoing explanation and apology. Before she had a second to register what she was doing, she had cupped his face in her tiny hands, gone on her tip-toes and pressed her lips to his. Arnav froze and the rest of his explanation disappeared.
There was no further deepening of the kiss from either one. It was just a moment of familiarising again. Just the feel of her trembling lips against his still ones. No movements, just the touch. Both their hearts skipped multiple beats in those quick two seconds. A simple touch, but despite that, some sort of heat coursed through them along with an electric vibration that ran up and down their spines.
Khushi had surprised herself by her boldness and Arnav was equally surprised at what she had done. He hadn't even realized that his eyes had closed on their own the second she had touched him. He was so shocked that he couldn't even bring himself to move a muscle.
He felt her shaky breath fan over his tingling lips as she moved away. Her hands let go of his face and he felt her warmth move further away.
"Arnav?" he heard her call out.
When he opened his eyes, she was already halfway out of the door. She had turned back to look at him and his heart skipped another beat at the red hue that adorned her plump cheeks.
"I'm not sorry." Those were her words before she smiled a little wider, blushed a little deeper, and walked out of his room.
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