ShiVi OS- Wasab (Excrutiating Pain) page 2 - Page 4

It's Beautiful!! 😍😍😍

Mahi...you made me cry😭

This was one roller coaster of emotions...aahhhh I can still feel the heaviness as I type this💔

You did justice to both Shiva and Raavi...Shiva's pain on reading the diary...it was heart wrenching💔😭

The one month was a torture for both of them😒

I loved the end...they are not in love but they have started their journey towards love❤️

This was toooooooooo goooooodddddddd❤️❤️

Originally posted by: ValleyOfPeace

Dedicated to the one whose name I won't reveal,

The one whose pain I deeply feel,

The one whose eyes talk to my soul,

The one whose grief do not leave me whole...

____________

Shiva Pandya had always been a tough guy. He loved his family and he loved the women of his life, namely, His mother, Suman, his Devki and his bhabhimaa Dhara, his yashodha. He loved them to bits and he could move the world for them if and when it was needed. His brothers were his ultimate belief and pillars. His passion was his store. But apart from this he wasn't bothered by much. This was where his feelings and emotions revolved around. This was what his world was comprised of. Everything stayed within this circle, until SHE came. And when she came, the world tilted.

In his whole life, never had he paid attention to any girl except her, Raavi. She was the only one who could bring him out of his world and wring his whole existence to focus all his attention on her. His brother had once said-

"Teri Dunya Raavi ke ird gird ghoomti hai." He had scoffed. Today he realised the truth of that statement. He had always been around her. His emotions went haywire around her. He declared his hatred but when she was around him, his whole attention was focused on her. For him, she had always been a part of his world, even though he didn't like it much. When she walked into a space he was in, everything became about her.

Then there was their wedding. He did it purely for Dhara. He could do anything for his Dhara. But then came the married life... And he truly accepted Raavi with his whole heart. He fought with her, thought they could never fall in love or move ahead, but he accepted her in his life as gracefully as he could. He cut her a lot of slack due to her misunderstandings. And he made sure she was safe. He made sure no one except his own self could hurt her ever.

Before their wedding, she was just his maami ki behen ki beti, but after the wedding she became his. His chipkali, his gadedhi, his chudail. Her purity couldn't be hidden from him. He, who had always been a thoughtful, open hearted guy and could identify the people by just some words from them had always treated her wrongly. And when she became his wife, he realised that she wasn't like he had thought. Her love for Dhara had been before him since he knew her, but then he saw how innocent she was. He saw how much she was hurt due to the circumstances and Dev . He saw how childlike and open hearted she was. He saw how she cared for his loved ones so selflessly and then he fell. Hard. Fast. And he didn't even understand what had happened until long after it had happened.

He had no experience in love. He had never been in close proximity with girls other than her. So when he started finding her amazing, he became confused. Each and everything she did became adorable to him. Her smile became his peace. Her tears became his poison. Her fear became his need to protect her. Her happiness became his responsibility. When her hair played with his face, it just enchanted him. And he didn't understand how he was supposed to behave now. How was he supposed to hide this phase? How was he supposed to behave like nothing has changed. Because for him, everything had changed. The world had tilted on it's axis. Her proximity and her acceptance were now his desires. How could he even stop watching that face which was slowly being painted in his heart. How was he supposed to ignore her presence when he was beginning to tie her to his soul? He was falling for her and when he understood this, being how he was, he wanted to clear this with her and tell her about his feelings because he didn't want to stay like this forever, nor did he want to confuse her even more. So he did the only thing he thought was the best. He decided to talk to her. He decided to tell her that he wants to give a chance to this marriage. True that it began like an accident but was it necessary that it should stay that way?

That was the reason why Shiva was waiting for his Chipkali to return to their room that night. That day had been amazing. He had gone shopping with her and watched her behave like the pre wedding Raavi, happy and carefree. He had seen her her demand from him little things that were her right. She had wanted to eat ice cream and chaats. She had wanted to roam around the whole market checking everything she desired. And finally when they were about to return, she had asked him to drop her at her Maasi's place so she could meet with them and return at night. He had grumbled at that but dropped her there reluctantly. He had observed that lately he didn't want her away at all. In fact her presence brought him a weird sense of peace, like he was home.

Shiva was bored. He had had his dinner and gotten to know from Dhara that Raavi will be a little late and her Mausapa will drop her. So he had come to their room and was watching the empty room with bored eyes. He was quite habitual to her now, so her absence bugged him terribly. Everywhere he turned he saw and felt her presence. In the way the partition had been positioned and decorated with fairy lights, in the way that the cupboard had been divided between them both. Even the bedsheet of their mattress was Raavi's choice. She had taken over his space and made it her own and he had no qualms over it because he seemed to enjoy her claiming his territory.

Shiva sighed and got up from the chair walking to the cupboard, so he could get a change of clothes. He opened it, only for a diary to fall down on his feet. He cursed slowly and bent down to pick the offending material, only to pause. His change of clothes laid forgotten on the floor as he watched the diary that had fallen open at his feet. It was Raavi's. Shiva gulped as he watched the first page flitter. There were two hearts drawn side by side... One had her name written in it. The other... belonged to Dev. His heart burnt. The fire began slowly but sharply and then began to devour him completely the further he stared at their names placed side by side. But that wasn't all. In the corner of that same page was a devil doodle and his name was written right in the middle of it. The tears that threatened to fall were mercilessly wiped away as he watched. He picked it up slowly, gently and stared at it in a dilemma. He knew he shouldn't read it but it was like a train wreck now. Out of his control. He sat on the mattress and took a deep breath before he turned a page.

Jabse tumhen jana hai Dev, tabse tumhen chaha hai. Tumhari har ek baat par mera dil dhadka hai. Mere khwaabon ki tum taabeer ho. Kaash woh din jaldi aaye jab tumhen main apna keh sakun. Jante ho? Har din har pal main tumhen sochti hoon. Maasima to mujhe daant daant kar nahin thakti. Par maine to hamesha se tumhen hi chaha hai na to kisi ki baat ka asar main kyun loon bhala? Kitne sapne sajaye hain maine. Ki hum ye karenge, woh karenge, humare dresses coordinate karenge, konsi places ghoomne jayenge. Main na Dev tumhare peeche baith kar tumhen haq se dekhungi. Aur jab koi tumhen dekhe to unki aankhe phod dungi. Dev main tumhare pyaar mein Pagal hoon. Jab tum subah uthne mein der karoge, main apne baalon ki cheento se tumhen jagaungi, tum mujhe kheench kar paas bithaoge aur main door bhaag jaaungi. Meri hansi ki goonj se tumhari dunya goonjegi aur tum mujhse itna pyaar karoge ke mere liye, meri hansi ke liye, kuch bhi kar jaoge. I am waiting for those days.

Shiva read her entry. It was almost an year ago. His heart violently flipped in his chest as her dreams echoed in his ears. He always knew she loved Dev but reading about these dreams so intimately was jolting him violently. These tiny dreams she had wanted fulfilled laid at his feet in shambles. And even with his prior knowledge of her obsession for Dev, he was feeling like he was coming apart at his seams... But he turned the page again.

Dus saal se chaha hai tumhen. Har pal har lamha tumhen socha hai maine. Dev tum meri deewangi ho, mera fitoor ho. Main saans leti bhi hoon to tumhare naam se leti hoon. Meri koi subah aisi nahin jo tumhare khayal se na hui ho. Main har pal tumhen apne samne chahti hoon. Jab jab tumhen dekhti hoon, maano meri zindagi tham jati hai. Tumhare saath bitaya har waqt mujhe bahut zyada pyaara hai Dev. Kaash us waqt meri dunya simat kar tum tak reh jaaye. Kaash us waqt ko main rok kar qaid kar loon. Par waqt to paani ki tarah beh jaata hai. Hai na? Tumhare nazar aate hi main saari dunya bhula deti hoon Dev. Kya jaadu hai ye?

Shiva placed the diary down and took a deep breath before rubbing his face harshly. Should he even continue? Her words were expected yet they seem to be killing his budding feelings before they even progressed. He sighed and opened the next page. Page after page after page was filled with her love for Dev, her obsession, her dreams with him. And he wasn't anywhere. He wasn't even a flick on her radar. He remembered all the incidents she mentioned here and yet he remembered her at the centre of it, even though he hated her then, he still remembered his focus was always on her. And she? She didn't think he was important enough even for a mention. He didn't exist for her. And suddenly the room felt like it was shrinking. He swiftly began reading again.

Haaye aur kitna dil mein utroge tum Dev? Itna gehra kon mere dil mein utar sakta hai? Aaj bhi tumhen dekha to bas dekhti hi reh gayi. Poori dunya bhool kar. Main kya kar rahi thi, kya keh rahi thi mujhe kuch hosh hi nahin. Kitne pyaare ho tum. Soft spoken, sweet, sober aur ek gentleman. Tum to mere prince charming ho.

Aur tumhara bhai? Huh! Shiva! Kyun hai woh aisa? Kitna dheet hai! Aaj bhi mujhe tum tak pahunchne nahin diya! Aa gaya beech mein. Maine socha tha ki apni is diary mein uski buraiyan nahin likhungi. Par ye mumkin hi nahin. Woh to mujhe pareshan kar ke rakh deta hai Dev. Likhna hi padta hai. Itna harsh hai. Jaahil aur gawaron jaisi harkaten hain uski. Koi ladki kabhi aisa pati na chahegi.

Chalo khair jane do. Main kyun apne aap ke mood ko off karun?

And from that page onwards, Shiva and Dev were both present in her diary. But where Dev was her hero, her life, love and obsession. Shiva was her irritation. She seemed to be disgusted by him, his smell, his clothes. She seemed to have a prob with everything he did. And yet in her whole diary she didn't seem to be evil. Her words showed her innocence and purity and immense love for everyone and everything except him. He seemed to be the only one who didn't have her love and not because she didn't try. She had tried. He had always been a closed off person and especially for her he had seemed to be extra harsh and rude. She had been polite and tried a lot to be accepted by him. He hadn't. And today as he read her diaries he saw how she saw him. And suddenly he wondered was it better when she had mentioned him at all or is this less painful where he featured in her mind but just as the villain of her dreams, the one who destroyed everything that she held dear. And he couldn’t decide...

He read page after page of her diary and his heart was thundering as it threatened to fall apart within him. What feeling was this? What agony? Was there anything that would relieve him of this?

I can't believe it Dev! Humari shaadi ho rahi hai! Aaaaaaa! Main kitni khush hoon. Maine saare dresses choose kar liye hain. Sab kuch decide kiya hai. Aur ye bhi decide kar liya hai ki main tumhen kya gift dungi. Aaaa! Main bahut khush hoon! I love you so much Dev! Mera to dil itna zor se dhadak raha hai. Main na is saari dunya ki sabse khoobsurat dulhan banne wali hoon. Tum dekhna. Tum dekhoge to palke chapkana bhool jaoge.

Shiva bhi nahin bhool payega mera roop. Tandav karta hai to kare, gussa hota hai to ho. Par woh ab kuch nahin rok sakta! Yayyyy!

Main tumse pyaar karti hoon aur hamesha karti rahungi. Kabhi aisa koi waqt nahin aa sakta ki main apne dil se tumhare naam ko mita sakun. Kyunki tumhen maine itni shiddat se dus saal se chaha hai ki ab meri saanson se bhi tumhari mehek aati hai. I love you.

Aaj pehli baar Shiva par gussa nahin aa raha mujhe. Bas tumhare khayal ne, tumse shaadi ke khayaal ne sab kuch aasan kar diya hai. Ab sab tum se hi to hai. Koi teesra hai hi kahan humare beech?

Shiva read all her words, her happiness on marrying his brother. Every detail of her dreams. He read about her immense love for Dev on every page and the love that had been budding in his heart somewhere was being caged mercilessly. He saw through her eyes her love for his brother and realised that once more, he had been bested by his brother in a competition Dev wasn't even aware of. He breath deeply as her words entered his system and destructed his soul. What was this pain? What was this ache? What exactly was this burn? He gulped and picked her diary again. Where did he even stand in her life? No where. Everything was for Dev.

Aaj mujhe lag raha hai ki main zeher pee kar apni jaan de doon. Fir sab ke chehre yaad aate hain aur main ruk jati hoon. Ye kahan baandh hai diya mujhe. Shiva ke saath? Us Shiva ke saath jo din din nahin nahata. Jiski badhboo se mujhe ghutan hoti hai. Jo anpad gawar hai. Jisne mujhe un gundon ke beech akela chod diya? Kaisa insaan hai woh. Jisne apni hi patni ko musibat mein akela chod diya. Main aise insaan ke saath rehna hi nahin chahti. Kuch bhi nahin hai iske paas mujhe dene ko. Izzaat aur pyaar to door ki baat hai isne to shaadi hi mujhse badla lene ke liye kiya hai. Zindagi bhar Shiva ke saath nafrat karungi main. Kabhi use apne qareeb nahin aane dungi.

And Shiva couldn't bear it anymore. He shut the diary with a thud and placed it beside himself before sinking his head into his hands and letting a single sob escape before he put on his iron control over his heart and breath deeply. An obstinate tear escaped the confines of his eyes before he could press down the rest of them to the deepest pits of his heart. But he couldn't stop the shattering of his heart nor could he stop the death of all his feelings before they could even grow. He wanted to release his sobs and grieve for the loss of something he didn't even have in the first place.

What was this? A merciless and cruel joke? Was this because of how he had treated her priorly? Was this the revenge of his fate for being harsh and rude to her? Oh the agony!

"Teri dunya hamesha Raavi ke ird gird hi ghoomti hai." Gaumbi had said and he had scoffed then. But today he agreed. She had always had his attention. And yet he seemed to be only an afterthought for her. She will never be able to love him. Even if she is able to forget Dev after loving him so deeply, she will never be able to accept him the way he is. How could he even compare to the soft spoken Dev? He was an uneducated mess and she wanted the whole package. He was made for their store and that was everything he knew, she wanted a man like Dev and his degreed education and job. Will she ever be able to move on? Even if she move on from Dev, he will never be the one she wanted. He wasn't her choice, just her helplessness. And he had gone and fallen for her innocence, her simplicity... why?

He shuddered as the enormity of his grief hit him squarely in his chest and all his feelings began to wring his heart and tear it into pieces. He didn't deserve a girl like her, she didn't deserve a beast like him. She was all soft and perfection. He was all rough and surrounded by smells she would rather avoid. His world and hers were miles apart.

He had always been made to feel that he was lower than his brothers. Less intelligent, less handsome and less educated. But today was the only day that had defeated him. He finally laid down arms and accepted the judgement that came with being Shiva Pandya. He had given up.

The pain that engulfed him then was so overwhelming that he lost the last vestiges of the control over his heart and eyes. Tears silently escaped him and began to traverse down his cheeks falling on the floor. He closed his eyes when he spied his broken dreams and murdered feelings reflecting back at him in those tears. He had bravely fallen in love and discovered that she was way out of his league. His first love had led to his first heartbreak. But the tragedy was that his first love was going to be his only love and he was going to stay in this state forever because she was the only woman he had ever allowed near himself and that wasn't about to change ever. The tragedy was, unlike other, he didn't have the luxury of falling in love again. He was doomed. Because Shiva Pandya didn't do anything halfway. His passion was such that even his heartbreak would be completely destructive. The love he felt for Raavi would kill him slowly from within. The guilt he had for tying her to himself would never allow him to meet her eyes again. And taking the whole guilt and blame over his shoulders he got up, staggering, as he felt out of sorts.

He picked her diary and placed it back in the cupboard which had held this pandora’s box. Then turned and drew in a shuddering breath before he decided to numb this heart wrenching pain. Because if he stayed this way, he was going to self destruct in the maelstrom of emotions that had surrounded him... Because today he knew, Dev will always have Raavi in ways he could never even dream of... Because the way she loved Dev will never be the way she love him, but he will always love her in every single way that was known to him and that he will further learn... Because he didn’t know any other way, except to go all the way in his passion and suddenly Raavi had become his passion and also the biggest tragedy of his existence, the unrequited love of his life.

Numbing himself would be the only option. He couldn’t function with this excruciating pain. Shiva breathe deeply and holding each every broken piece of himself carefully, he stepped out of the house and walked away from it all. Even though he didn’t want to do it, he had to resort to it. Even though he knew it was below him and his action would hurt his mother and Dhara if they knew, he still decided to go ahead. Because the feelings within him were too painful to handle anymore. He had lost even the slight hope that had taken birth with his heart.

••••••

Raavi watched outside as the weather turned stormier. She didn’t understand where he had gone. She had returned two hours ago and found the main door ajar. Walking in, she had discovered everyone asleep and instead of waking them up panicking them, she had closed the door and walked towards her room.

Her room was in darkness. First, she thought he was sleeping. But then... He was nowhere to be found and she had felt the wave of unease gripping her tightly and fraying her peace. She tried her best to escape from the claws of panic that were threatening to cage her within their thorns and when each minute had passed without his arrival, she had further lost this battle.

She changed her clothes and tried to reason with herself that he must have gone to the shop. But it was so late and he never stayed away this late without informing someone about it first. Then she paced the whole house silently without drawing attention to herself because she didn’t want to raise an alarm of his absence without knowing where he was.

The day had been a very good one for Raavi, she smiled subconsciously. She had felt like the old Raavi after a long while. She had truly enjoyed the day. Everything she had demanded from him had been fulfilled today. He hadn’t refused her even the littlest things. He was shockingly patient with her shopping spree. He didn’t make a sound when she hassled and instead reasonably told the shopkeepers about the price he was willing to pay and they had given in just like that. He had also dropped her to her Maasi’s place even when he hadn’t liked it. All in al she had realised that with a little effort from him, he had become a very good husband. He had also argued with her like he did before but there was no real heat in his words. He had even complimented her twice in a roundabout way and her heart had missed a beat. Raavi smiled. She was enjoying this side of his.

She had spent the rest of the day with her maternal family. She had had dinner there and sat down and spoken to Anita who had been adamant on her giving a chance to this marriage. They had spoken about Anita’s experience of getting rejected due to her folly and then about how these years had been so torturous for her. She had explained many of her points of view and Raavi had gotten to see another side of life through her eyes. And Raavi had realised that she had something she could work on. This was her own second chance. Granted that it wasn’t something that she would have chosen for herself but it was nonetheless given to her by her fate due to some reason and today Shiva had been nice enough for her to want to start dreaming once more. Yes. She wouldn’t have chosen him before if she was given a choice but now that she had him, she didn’t want to exchange him with anybody either. He was her own piece of right and she didn’t want to give him away for anything. He was beginning to sound more and more exciting to her. But she didn’t exactly know what all of this was. She just knew he evoked within her something warm, something that made her want to smile and live. He tied her to this family and to himself and she liked it.

While returning, the weather had gitten quite stormy and Raavi had frowned at it. Her Maasima had wanted her to spend the night there but she didn’t understand why she was feeling so empty in the house where she had spent twenty two years of her life. She had wanted to come back home and home was here, with everyone and him. So she had bid a farewell to her folks and came here, but he was nowhere to be seen.

Everything was sorting out in her life finally. She was feeling much lighter and happier these past some days. Dhara, Gaumbi and Suman had always loved her like their own. Krish had also been very friendly with her except sometimes when he felt like teasing her or getting irritated by her. Dev had also apologized in a non committed way, which she had still accepted because she didn’t want to sway in that limbo for long. She was ready to move on and so she was cutting the claws of her past. And Rishita had become quite bearable and also a lot friendlier to her.

Shiva... Shiva was Shiva. She sighed and watched the front door for the umpteenth time then went inside their room.

•••••

Shiva was drunk. No. He was drunk to the extent of falling down unconscious right now. He sighed and then huffed at the doorway that looked like it was shrinking and blinked as everything blurred. Then shaking his head he stumbled towards the door and opened it. He didn’t care about anything right now. That diary had done a number on him. It wasn’t just her thoughts about Dev and her love for him, it was also a list about the qualities she wanted in her partner and he knew none of the qualities matched with him.

Raavi heard the front door opening and rushed towards it in anticipation, hoping to bombard him with questions for scaring her like he had this evening. She was about to reprimand him but then she saw Gaumbi stirring in the verandah and held Shiva tightly before she pulled him towards their room and shut the door softly.

Shiva was mumbling something incoherently and when his eyes focused on her, he smiled slightly and called out her name.

“Raavi...”

Raavi gasped at the stench of alcohol that made her retch. Shiva was drunk. First she had thought he was somehow hurt but now she saw him so out of it that she couldn’t exactly make excuses for him.

“Shiva!” She wanted to reprimand him for this but he fell on her, unconscious. She pushed him off her on to the mattress where he landed unceremoniously. Raavi had had enough. She brought the jug of water kept at the side table and dumped it on his face in anger. He woke up disoriented and watched her before falling unconscious again. Raavi brought another jug full of water and threw it at him. He gasped awake and watched her as he stood up.

“Log apne naam ki aage degriyaan lagate hain. Tu bhi laga lena. Shiva Pandya, Jaahil, Gawaar, aur ab Sharabi!” Raavi said fiercely. “Tujhe sharam nahin aati Shiva?”

“Aati hai na. Tujhse shaadi karke teri zindagi barbaad karke.” Shiva replied softly, unlike himself. Raavi felt something was wrong but she couldn’t cool herself down to enquire more.

“Haan ho gayi hai zindagi barbaad. Jiski shaadi ek sharaabi se ho jaye to uski zindagi kaise aabad ho sakti hai?” Raavi asked irritatedly.

Shiva watched her for some seconds before moving his eyes away. How could he face her? How could he even meet her eyes? She who had dreamed of acquiring a prince charming for herself had ended up with a beast. If he could go back and refuse then she might still have been free of him to choose the guy she might have wanted, in the future. The thought sent him sharp jolts of pains but he ignored them.

He silently went and took out her diary, handing it to her. The first page fell open and she watched the page, pale with a hint of anger.

“Tujhe meri diary nahin padhni chahiye thi Shiva.” She said as she looked at her name with Dev and felt a desperation that she didn’t even understand. He looked away from her.

“Haan. Shayad nahin padhni chahiye thi. Mere samne gir gayi thi aur main padhta chala gaya. Maaf kar dena mujhe. Teri zindagi barbaad kar di maine. Jaisa insaan tu chahti thi, waise to bilkul nahin hoon main.” Shiva told her softly, looking away from her decidedly. Raavi didn’t understand how to behave. She was feeling angry at him for reading her diary, her innermost thoughts. She was feeling a kind of desperation regarding his changed behavior and then there was fear, for what, she herself didn’t know.

“Shi...va.” She whispered unsure of what to say but hoping he would understand her. He didn’t.

“Main sone ja raha hoon. Ghar mein kisi ko is baare mein kuch mat batana.” Shiva had told her softly and picked up his blanket, moving out of the room. She wanted to stop him, she really did but she had become ice due to the way he just behaved with her, like she was a stranger. Just what she had wanted. She felt her heart lurch.

Neither could sleep that night...

•••••

A month had passed since that night and Raavi was feeling really unsettled due to Shiva. He had been hovering around her before that fateful night. He had begun to start smiling more and even spoke with her nicely. Sometimes he argued with her without actually any heat. But now? Now he behaved like she wasn’t even present there. He cared for her even now but didn’t meet her eyes. He didn’t argue with her and even when she tried initially, he remained silent. He came late from the shop and had his food in silence, then retired upstairs to sleep on a bench there. He woke before Dhara in the morning and took a bath before having food and leaving for the store. He was practically non existent in the house.

Dhara and Suman had enquired from her many times but She had no reply so she had said everything was fine. What could she tell them when she herself was in such a huge confusion? He remained cordial with her and dealt with her like she was a stranger, not like his childhood nemesis or his wife. And even though she had suggested this idea in the heat of the moment while listening to that song, she still hated it. She didn’t want this from him. She wanted him to acknowledge her and hover. She wanted him to look at her like she was the only person in the room. And she didn’t know what these feelings were. She wanted him around herself and he was running away. Her heart hurt without even knowing why!

Even today he had gone to the shop and avoided her. When she went to give him lunch, he had just watched her once and nodded at her in acknowledgment before turning towards the customers. She had wanted to speak but his behavior had killed her courage.

The whole house was the same. Pandya Niwaas. Even the family was the same. They all loved her unlimitedly. And half of her dream had been fulfilled. She hd been give the family she desired. But the other half was still making her feel incomplete. She had loved Dev and even tried to end herself for him but when she came out of that state, she had realised that he was never the person she had painted him to be. He was still soft spoken and a gentleman but he wasn’t that guy she thought who loved her and whom she loved. She had painted him to be her prince charming. He had turned out to be a non confrontational, unsure of a man, who couldn’t stand up for his family or the girl he loved. His indecisiveness had taken her to the mandap and dumped her there for the world to mock. And she had tried to give her life for this guy. She had once made him out to be the courageous man who defended her in front of Shiva but she had seen him stand quiet and seemingly unaffected when Rishita had initially talked a lot of nonsense about her and even Dhara. She had then realised that her way of seeing him had been tinted and warped. Yes he was a friend to her, a good one but nothing more had been there from his side. She hd seen his soft gentle nature but had failed to see his less than applaudable qualities.

Raavi had been thrown in a disarray after the wedding. Where she had felt angry at Dev she had felt furious at Shiva but she couldn’t show it to Dev so she dumped it on Shiva. And he had remained constant in his behavior towards her. He had argued with her incessantly and didn’t clear any of her misunderstandings regarding him till it threatened her life. And then she had realised to never judge what he showed to the world. He was a selfless fool. He loved passionatel, the ones who mattered to him and he took care of his people like it was his law. And even the ones he hated, he still treated them like he had been taught to by the ones that brought him up. He stood up for her and helped her and tried to protect her by putting his own life at risks. And each day she had realised that what she had been thinking about him wasn’t true at all and a very heavy burden had lifted off her shoulders, setting her free. And then he had begun to watch her like she lit up the world and somehow it had been new for her, these glances and small touches and she had liked them. And she liked him too. She realised that now. She didn’t love him but she did like him. He was important to her. This last month, without his actual presence, had been quite a turmoil for her. The way he glossed her over was something she didn’t think would pain her like this. Each time she saw him turn away while she tried to talk or start a conversation hurt her heart terribly and everyday the pain increased. He was keeping himself at a distance and her heart didn’t agree with the space he was giving her. This shouldn’t have bothered her but it did. And she felt terrible. So tonight she wanted to end this charade and was waiting for him to arrive.

Shiva entered the house slowly and went to the kitchen. With minimum noise, he had his food and washed the plate before he walked to the room. He hoped she was sleeping. Her staying awake made it difficult for him to avoid her. He opened the door softly and stopped because the light was switched on and she was sitting on the mattress watching the doorway apprehensively. He sighed and nodded at her softly before turning towards the cupboard. She huffed and stood up, walking towards him, she turned him forcefully from the cupboard. The diary fell again between them and she gulped. This was what had begun everything in the first place. She hated it and she hated the man who was the content of it. Shiva watched the diary again and many emotions passed over his face before he gently freed himself and began to walk away. Raavi held him again.

“Bas kar Shiva! Kab tak tu aise karega mere saath?” Raavi was almost ready to cry now. Everything was becoming too much for her to handle.

“Main kuch nahin kar raha hoon Raavi. Jin haalat mein ye shaadi hui, main tujhse koi umeed nahin rakhta. Ye shaadi tere marzi ke baghair zabardasti hui thi. Mere jaisa pati sirf ek torture ho sakta hai aur main ye acchi tarah se janta hoon ki tujhe kaisa pati chahiye tha. Padha likha, handsome... Dev jaisa. Tujhe mila ek aisa insaan jo na padha likha hai na handsome. Mere koi bade bade sapne nahin hain Raavi. Main ek maamuli sa insaan hoon aur mujhse tujhe kuch nahin milega. Isliye humara door rehna hi theek hai. Tujhe mujhe bardaasht karne ki zaroorat nahin hogi.”

“Aur tune ye poocha ki main kya chahti hoon?” Raavi asked him irritatedly. Everyone were bent on making decisions for her. Why didn’t they allow her to make them for herself?

“Teri diary sab kuch samjha gayi hai mujhe...” Shiva answered her gently. She sighed exasperatedly. This diary had become the bane of her life.

“Aisa kya tha is diary mein. Tu pehle se janta tha mere baare mein. To fir tu kyun itna shocked ho raha hai?” She growled.

“Kyunki tab main janta tha apne nazariye se. Tera nazariya to sirf is diary ko padh kar samajh mein aaya tha mujhe. Tu Dev se kitna pyaar karti thi, tere saare sapne, tu ek life partner mein kya chahti thi, tu mere baare mein kya sochti hai sab samajh gaya hoon. Raavi tu kbhi Dev ko bhula nahin paayegi mere saath rehke. Kyunki tu har din use dekhegi aur compare karegi hum dono ko aur meri kamiyan tujhe khush rehne nahin degi. Tu ek padha likha insaan deserve karti hai jo tujhe tere saare sapne de sake aur main woh insaan nahin ban sakta. Main jaisa hoon waisa hi hoon Raavi. Main nahin badal sakta. Aur tujhe mere saath rehne par hargiz majboor nahin karunga.”

“To ye meri ghalti hai ki maine Dev se pyaar kiya? Is baat ki saza de raha hai tu mujhe mujhe?”

“Nahin. Hargiz nahin. Main bas is baat ko accept kar chuka hoon ki humari dunya bahut alag hai Raavi. Tujhe jo chahiye wo nahin hai mere paas.”

“To ab?”

“Ab tu jo chahegi wahi hoga. Tu iss rishte mein rehna chahe to main tujhe tera space dunga aur apne ko tere upar taari nahin karunga. Tujhe koi is ghar mein mere saath khush hokar ek pati patni ki tarah rehne ke liye majboor nahin karega. Main door rahunga tujhse. Aur agar tu aage badhna chahti hai na Raavi to main is saari dunya se lad lunga tere liye. Tu khushi khushi mujhe chod kar ja sakti hai, aur koi kuch nahin kahega. Na tera parivaar na mera. Sab tujhe waise hi chahenge jaise ab chahte ho. Main saara ilzam khud par le lunga. Tu bad apni zindagi jee baaki sab main sambhal lunga. Ye mera waada hai tujhse. Tu agar mujhe chodna chahti hai to main khud tujhe wakeel ke paas lekar jaaunga.”

Raavi gasped and felt like she will combust. His words had suddenly pushed everything in perspective. And she had suddenly envisioned a life where he wasn’t there. Her heart trembled. The uneasiness of the past month suddenly increased tenfold and she looked at him like he had gone crazy.

“Aur main kya chahti hoon ye is diary se pata chal gaya tujhe? Agar main tere kisi options ko nahin chahti to?” Raavi asked in anger.

“Haan. Pata chal gaya diary se. Tu kabhi khush nahin reh payegi mere saath. Teri zindagi aur barbaad nahin kar sakta main.” He whispered as he closed his eyes in pain. She watched him with disbelief and pain before going out of the room with a huff and returning within some minutes. She closed the door and walked towards him. As he stood there in confusion she took out the matchbox and lit a stick before dropping it on the diary. She was watching it with fury.

“Kya janta hai tu? Woh jo ek ladki ne bachpane mein is diary mein likh diya? Woh jo ek ladki ne gusse aur dard mein likh diya? Main batati hoon tujhe.” She watched him as he watched the diary burn, in disbelief and pulled him to sit before her on the mattress. “Maine bachpan se sapne dekhe Dev ke. Lekin us din jab usne mujhe mandap par akela chod diya mujhe pata chal gaya ki ye insaan kabhi mere saath nahin khadega. Maine usi agni mein apne bachpane ko aur Dev naam ke ehsaas ko jala diya. Tujhse shaadi hui aur misunderstanding hui to gusse mein har blame tujhpar daal diya. Par jab tujhe jaana aur samjha main samajh gayi is saari dunya mein tu hi hai jo mere saaath har pal khada rahega. Aur mere dil mein aage badhne ki chaah si panapne lagi. Maine Dev ko chaha par maine use nahin uske us version se pyaar kiya jise maine apne dimaagh mein tayyar kiya tha. Maine use waise dekha jaise mere dil ne mujhe dikhaya. Aur jab dil toota aur dimaagh se kaam liya to saare versions toot kar sirf sach saamne aa khada hua. Aur Dev ka sach mujhe usse bahut door kar gaya. Dosti ke alawa main use kabhi kisi nazar se nahin dekh paungi. Kyunki Dev woh insaan nahin hai jo har pal chattan ki tarah mere saamne khada raha. Woh insaan to tu hai. Maine is rishte ko us khandar mein hi apna liya tha Shiva. Uske baad maine kabhi ye feel nahin kiya ki meri zindagi barbaad ho gayi. Main aage badh rahi hoon, khush hoon. Woh saare shabd jo is diary mein the, woh us ladki ke the jo zindagi ko bina kisi experience ke janti thi. Sapne the adolescence ke. Jo ladki tere saamne baithi hai woh zindagi ke bahut roop dekh chuki hai. Us insaan ke roop dekhe hain jisse woh pyaar kiya karti thi aur us insaan ke bhi jise woh gawaar kaha karti thi. Shiva main nadaan ye samajh nahin paayi ki padhayi aur likhayi aapko gentleman ya accha insaan nahin banati, woh aap apne mann se, apne tajurbe se, apni acchaiyon se bante hain. Aur jab se maine ye jaana tab se maine ye samajh liya hai ki mujhe padhe likhe insaan ki zaroorat nahin hai, mujhe us insaan ki zaroorat hai jo apno ke liye kuch bhi kar jata hai, jo apni bhabhi ke liye ek aisi ladki ko apna leta hai jisse woh nafrat karta hai, jo us aurat ke haath bhi soone nahin padne deta jisne uski maa ki kalayi ko suni kiya ho. Shiva main apni naadaniyon mein bahut kuch keh gayi hoon. Par maine is shaadi se nikalne ke baare mein kabhi nahin socha. Khandar ke baad kabhi ye nahin socha ki meri zindagi barbaad ho gayi hai. To tu mere ateet ke pannon par likhe kuch shabdon se ye kaise keh gaya ki main khush nahin hoon? Ki shaadi karke tune barbaad kiya mujhe? Tune to tab mujhe thaama jab main toot kar bikhar rahi thi. Mujhe teri zaroorat hai. Kisi Dev mein itni taaqat nahin hai ki woh mujhe sambhal sake aur main chahti bhi nahin hoon ki woh mujhe sambhale. Woh to sirf tu kar sakta hai. Dus saal maine ek chalawe ke peeche kaata. Par jab tujhe sach main pehchana tab mujhe laga ki shayad qismat ne bahut soch kar mujhe tujhse bandha hai. Aur main ab bahut khush hoon. Wapas meri khushi kyun cheen raha hai? Tune kaha na ki ab sirf woh hoga jo main chahun? To main is rishte ko nibhana chahti hoon poore dil se. Aage badhna chahti hoon tere saath. Main tujhe nahin badalna chahti Shiva. Main bas khush rehna chahti hoon. Mujhe ajnabee ban kar rehna hi nahin hai. Main teri chipkali hi theek hoon.” Raavi was crying softly now.

Shiva felt like someone had given him ambrosia. He watched her like she was his dream. Was this true or was he dreaming? Amazement had made him silent and his silence was scaring her. She cried and shook him. He returned to the world of living and chuckled softly. She watched him like he had gone crazy.

The past whole month hd been agony for him. He had to ignore her and that had seemed to be the most difficult task of his life. He had imagined her with Dev and a faceless man and that had been the craziest torture he had had to endure. Then he had thought of how to make her happy again and he had thought of all the ways of separations and divorces and also to keep her away from him. He had felt like he had been the most unluckiest man in the world. And each second had been nothing but an excruciating pain. To watch her and not being able to have her had just added to his grief. And when she had stopped him today he had decided to let her go finally. But fate had given her back to him. He chuckled some more in happiness and a tear escaped his eye, before he pulled her towards himself and held her by her waist.

“Soch kar bol rahi hai na?” He asked her. She nodded. “Fir se soch le. Jungli bhalu hoon, noch khaunga.” He uttered and she began to laugh after a very long time. He smirked at her then sobered up. “Fir se soch le. Ek baar tune haan keh diya to dobara tujhe jane nahin dunga.” He declared. She separated from him and walked towards the cupboard. He watched her in apprehension as she took out a diary and walked back to him keeping it on his hand.

“Aaj raat ye diary padh lena. Kal subah tujhe tere saare jawab mil jaayenge.”

“Nahin Raavi.” He wanted to refuse it because that was what had begun their problems in the first place. But she held his hand and blinked in reassurance.

“Ek diary tune meri ijazat ke baghair padhi. Ek diary tu ijazat le kar padh le.” She told him and took her blanket and started walking towards the door.

“Kahan ja rahi hai?”

“Main aangan mein hoon. Tu ye aaj yahin padh le fir baat hogi.” Raavi told him gently and went out of their room. Shiva inhaled deeply and then exhaled as he opened the diary she had handed to him. He was in for a long night.

•••••

Ambar ko dharti sang milte dekha hai kabhi?

Kya dekha hai tumne taaron ko tootte hue?

Kya dil kabhi toota hai tumhara?

Kya ashk kabhi bahe hain tumhare?

Koi sapna adhoora raha hai kabhi?

Kya kabhi is dil se tumne kisi ko karchi karchi nikala hai?

Kya kisi ki yaadon ko aankhen moonden dil ki gehraiyon mein utaara hai?

Maine apne aankhon se apni dunya jalti dekhi hai...

Sapne ko apni aankhon ke aage bikharte dekha hai...

Ek aag utaari hai maine apne naazuk se dil mein,

Aur us aag ko pal pal khud mein dehekte hue dekha hai...

Umeedon ko kaanton ki tarah chubte hue dekha hai,

Khushiyon ko dehleez se wapas mudte dekha hai,

Yun to muskurake dunya ke aage khud maine khud ko behlaya hai,

Par andheri si raaton mein chupke chupke khud ko sameta hai,

Main behti hui nadi ki tarah aage badhna janti hoon,

Par agar zindagi meri ravani hi rok de to karun kya,

Main khule aasmaan mein panchi banke udhna chahun,

Koi par hi kaat de to karun kya,

Maine apne har ek sapne ko apne haathon se dafnaya hai,

Mitti bhi phenki hai us par aur khudko aage badhna sikhaya hai...

Aaj khadi hoon us kagaar par zindagi ke,

Jahan ek naya sawera intezaar mein hai,

Par qadam hai ki hilte hi nahin,

Meri beete kal ki zanjeeron se khud ko fir se chudaya hai...

Ek naye sapne ko palkon pe sajaye,

Khushiyon ka bazoo thaama hai,

Darte jhijhakte ek naye raste par ek pyaara sa ghar sajaya hai...

Shiva read and his heart thundered. It was dated the day after the Khandar incident. He sighed and started reading the pages of the diary.

Ab ye bhoothnath itna strong hai ye to mujhe pata bhi nahin tha. Mujh par koi weight na pade isliye khud par poora weight liye baitha tha. Aaj ehsaas hua ki kabhi mujhe akela nahin chodega ye aur main bahut khush hoon aaj!

There were more such entries and every single one of them were focused on him. There was no body else in her diary except him. Everything he did or said was all here. She remembered and had noted down every single minute detail about him, how he looked when he said something, about their pag phere, about her birthday, about the night after her party, about their hasty escape and long journey and what she had felt during each of the incident. And the whole last month when she had sorted out her feelings for him and realised that she wanted to move on with him and actually liked him. She had written what she actually thought about his character. And each word she had written was washing away his pain and grief. It was resting all his insecurities and filling him with a strength and confidence he carried like a second skin. She had accepted him as he was and that was everything he hd ever wanted in his woman. He closed his eyes after he read each page, each word, each emotion so closely and then let out a breath that took away all the negativity he was carrying in bis heart for so long. His eyes were tearful but the tears were of joy. He stood up and watched the clock. It was two hours after he hd begun. He opened the door and went out to see her sleeping on the swing and smiled as he walked towards her. He bent down gently and lifted her up in his arms and carried her inside, without knowing that a set of eyes had witnessed everything and smiled at them, closing in satisfaction.

•••••

Morning found her in his arms. She watched his sleepy face and smiled at him happily. A glance at the clock told her that he was utterly late for the shop but the past month had been so he tic for the both of them so they deserved this. She placed her chin on his arms and watched him sleep.

“Itna kya ghoor rahi hai Gadedhi? Khayegi kya?” She heard him and he opened his eyes. She shook her head tongue tied and with a smile. He smiled at her and kissed her forehead. She was shocked but in a good way. He saw the time and jumped off the mattress. “Itna late ho gaya! Mujhe jagaya kyun nahin.” He shouted in shock and rushed out. She chuckled at his antics.

Later when he had had his breakfast and everyone had had their fill of teasing them when Dhara revealed about the picking in arms and taking to the room incident, they stole glances at each other with shy smiles.

“Aye Chipkali!” He called out while he went towards the door. She turned amidst everyones stares. “Khana bahut accha bana tha.” He complimented amidst everyone’s gasps and she watched him tearfully with a smile. This was one of her dream for her married life. Her husband complimenting her food. “Shaam ko tayyar rehna, chaat khane chalenge.” He told her and she nodded happily as their family oohed and whistled. They remained in their own bubble though and watched the other like everything had finally settled. They weren’t exactly in love, but they were in like, a lot and for now that would suffice, a lot.

___________

Not edited. Typed in haste ignore the mistakes.

Loved loved and loved it❤️

Beautiful story 💓

Loved the way you depicted the emotions of Shivi👏

I loved every bit of this OS.❤️❤️❤️ You've written this amazingly.👏 This is a masterpiece; the best Shivi OS I've read so far.

I've experienced an array of emotions while reading this work of art. It was so touching. Your portrayal of Shiva was brilliant. Raavi's diary parts; her anecdotes were so organic.

The poem you've incorporated in this OS, I can't phrase how much I loved it. It was so deep. Raavi was in every word of it.

The way you arranged the events, scenes, the dialogues, the ending portions....... great.👏 Felt cathartic reading this.

I've bookmarked this page. ❤️

Thank you so much for writing this OS. I really wish ki CVs iss track ho aise ache se handle karle.

Waiting for another wonderful Shivi art from you. Sending hugs and love...🤗❤️

Awww I could feel that pain reading through this

Awesome hai

OS is written with a lot of passion yaar

It was a really big OS but it really took my heart and melted it

Write more

Love Jen