SINFUL DARKNESS||NIBIR OS||
I looked at the vial of the sleeping pills for the umpteenth time and taking it in my hand, I opened its lid and just took a bunch of those pills in my hand, and putting them in my mouth I drank a glass full of water just to gulp them down, it was the sixth time that I had attempted an unrewarding suicide in the last seven days, I closed my eyes thinking it to be the last moment of my life, when suddenly I remembered what once she said to me,
"Sleeping pills may cause you addiction, and I should be the only addiction in your life!", she had a smile on her face while she said that which I now miss in abundance.
As I got reminded of what she said, I immediately ran into my washroom and threw all of it out, as it was only she who had the right to be my addiction and no one or nothing else, and yes she was because I can't sleep without her beside me. I cried my heart out sitting beside the bed, as this pain within me was unbearable, "she left me", just these three words were enough for me to die.
I just couldn't bear this anymore; I took out my personal diary from my office bag and started scribbling my emotions in it. Every moment, I would just think about her.
Dear diary,
I had not seen her face since a week, nor had I talked to her. It feels so depressing being without her. I tried a lot to apologize for what all I did to her; I know it was completely wrong and the reason due to which she left me was justified, I definitely shouldn't have done that to her, but I was just so not in my senses then! I was drunk! for the second time in my life, and I know I can't resist that poison in me, I still remember how I was suspended from my college for a whole month after I had misbehaved with a college student being drunk, but what I did this time had shattered my life. I was drunk, which was my first mistake and in that state, I forced myself on her, how hard I must have been on her, Damn it!! I just wanted to kill myself then and there when I saw her crying sitting in a corner of our room wrapped in sheets the next morning, I was in an utter shock of it; my head banged with pain. I walked up to her and not nearing her completely, I saw what ruckus I had created, her clothes were lying on the floor all in a torn state, my head spun seeing the view in front of me. Her body had several bruises which looked really painful, and I know this was all due to me, how can I even hurt her? She trembled severely, I saw a mark on her shoulder, clearly, blood oozed out of it though not much, tears escaped my eyes seeing her condition, I stretched my hand to touch her wounds, but I just abstained myself.
Pain aroused within me for making her suffer so much. I somehow managed to touch her hand with my trembling hands, with a hesitation and a fear of hurting her again. My heart shattered into several pieces, as she raised her head a little and looked up at me, her little dove shaped eyes had pain, anger and hatred altogether, I know what sin I had done.
As tears brimmed down her eyes, it felt as if I had been stabbed several times right in my heart. My lips trembled to even utter a word, and I was not even in a state to do that, but however I managed to summon her name, but it was not clear, though.
Nisha..." I called her, as she looked at me with her eyes full of seethe. I tried taking her hand in mine to express my pain and guilt, but she just pushed me away from her. She resisted my touch on her. She feared me; I guessed what she might have gone through the previous night. I realized that she had become a prey to the animal within me. I tried consoling her, but she kept cuddling more into the corner due to fear. Tears escaped my eyes seeing my love like that. I tried to talk to her after that, but all of my attempts turned into a waste as she no more talked to me after that incident and she, the very day walked out of our house taking all her belongings with her, leaving me all alone in this house. She didn't talk to me since then nor had I seen her face, only I know how much I yearned just to see her smiling face. It's not that we had never made love before, it was a common thing for us as we loved each other so much, but this what I did to her was something else, which I fear to be even named, it was a forced thing . I still remember, though not completely, how I pushed her on the bed in spite of her pleadings, her cries, her painful shrieks still haunt me. Believe me; I haven't slept for a complete week. I remember she constantly urged to tell me something protesting underneath me, she was crying, asking me to leave her, but the animal in me had overpowered me. I wonder what she wanted to tell me, reminiscing back the thing, though it hurts me brutally, I remembered that she had some sort of a file in her hand.
File...?"I thought, and keeping my diary aside, I stood up searching for it. Maybe it can help me get my Nisha back. It was the room I had messed now after our lives, I scrutinized through the cupboard, and not even a single belonging of her was there, it did hurt me. I searched all over the room again, but found nothing, I sat down on the bed hurt by the situation and a mere helplessness dawned upon me , and when I thought that there could be something beneath the mattress, as this was the only place I haven't searched in, I stood up and raised the mattress a little, and yes! There it was, I took it in my hand and looked at it not opening it, it looked like some sort of a medical report, she had not been doing very well last week, and hence I opened it not expecting any more shocks, but what I saw was beyond I shock, it just blew away my mind, and I suddenly felt that I had been suffocated to death, my brain was all blank and the world around me seemed to be spinning, and I could just think nothing at this point of time.
W*F...!?!" is all that escaped my mouth out of the shock I had got. I fell on my knees to the ground, and my tears denied stopping, this news felt as if someone had pricked several needles in my heart, it just hurts so much.
She was pregnant..!"Said the reports, and this is what she wanted to tell me that cruel night and what I did. I know how much we both have yearned for the symbol of our love. My fingers managed to drift themselves up to my mouth due the astonishment; I didn't know what my reaction should be at this, I wanted to scoop her in my arms and kiss her to the oblivion and at the same time, I wanted to apologize to her as I had hurt her this much. I broke my promise what once I had made to her, that I would never force myself upon her and she trusted me, without any doubt. But only a single thought came to my mind after that,
Is she okay...and the baby??" escaped my mouth again.
I wasted no more time, and marched out of the house grabbing the car keys, I drove so rashly towards her parents' house that I had almost crashed twice into the divider. But somehow, I managed to reach her house safely, and ran into the house, but found no one around, when I saw Rukmawati doing the household chores, I walked up to her and asked if Nisha was there, but she replied,
No..kabir bhaiyya!! She went for the family wedding in Delhi along with the other members.."
I know she lied to me, it was clearly written over her face, and not wasting any more time, I ran towards Nisha's room while Rukma tried stopping me, As I reached her room, I stood at the door and watched her keenly after a complete week, she was lifelessly sitting at a corner of her bed, she had not even a single emotion on her face, and she seemed depressed and weak, I hesitantly walked up to her and stood before her not making any physical contact, as I knew she hated it now.
Nishaa...come with me...we need to go to a doctor..."I said, but she just kept looking down, I wonder where she was lost. I saw that a lone tear managed to escape her eye, I shook her holding her shoulders not able to see her condition, and she winced in pain, I guessed that her wounds were still not mended.
Nisha...just talk to me once, I can't see you like this...why didn't you tell me that you were pregnant..??"I asked in a soft tone with concern, she just raised her head and looked up at me with the same hatred which was there since a week.
Please talk to me...or I'll die...!"I pleaded holding her hands as tears escaped my eyes.
She just pushed me away from her once again and violently shouted at me standing up from her place,
What else do you want from me now...after making me lose my child...my first child..." she said as tears escaped her eyes and she placed her hand on her tummy.
I felt that I would die as I heard that. I felt my breath stopping and my heart skipping several beats, my body trembled. I now know what sin I had done.
You want to kiss me right..?? Come kiss me..!"She said and attached her lips with mine, but I didn't respond, tears rolled down my eyes seeing the crime I have committed.
She took my hands and kept it on either side of her waist, while I hesitated to do it.
You don't want to kiss me...?? Then you want to make it out with me right..?? That's what you want right? ...Yeah come..."she said pulling me towards her.
Why aren't you doing anything now, damn it..?! Just bloody kiss me...make it out with me..."she said and she shook me badly holding the collar of my shirt, but I could just nothing. I didn't even utter a single word in my defense as I knew I was wrong, completely wrong. I let her speak her heart out, let her curse me as this was the only way I could soothe her right now, maybe. I know she's never going to forgive me for what all I did to her and our baby. What did that little thing do, that it had to go through all this? I killed our unborn with my own hands, I felt like fainting.
I felt as if she was losing her balance, she was slowly slipping out of my arms, and finally she went unconscious, but I caught her at the right time, anxiety dawned upon me seeing her condition, I started shouting for Rukmawati to get some water, I slowly made Nisha lie down on the bed and started rubbing her palms and feet. Rukma came running into the room as I called her; she got worried seeing Nisha and asked me,
What had happened to her, Kabir bhaiyya..??"
She fainted..."I said nervously.
I warned her about this...she has not been eating anything properly since a week, nor she sleeps or talks, she just keeps sitting here...all alone..."she said which forked my heart once again.
I called up our family doctor, who told this just to be syncope due to the stress she had been taking on herself, after I told him about Nisha's pregnancy and miscarriage, not revealing the complete facts. I felt relieved as the doctor said that she would be fine, but even this added to my guilt, it's me who had caused her to this state. I felt myself breaking down within, but I needed to be strong for her.
Even when she gained her consciousness, she never talked to me. I literally begged her to eat or at least drink some juice, but she never bothered to listen to me.
I thought of giving her some time alone, but I knew she needed me to be with her at this phase. She was deeply lost somewhere; she kept looking out of the window sitting at the same corner of the bed, her condition was becoming unbearable for me. Lost, dismayed, hurt, I stood up from my place to leave, but as I turned she held my hand, and said,
Don't leave me..!"
I just couldn't say anything as tears once again flowed out of my eyes. She pulled me towards her and made me lie beside her, and as I lied down beside her,
I am sorry for everything..."I mumbled though this wasn't enough for what I did.
Don't say anything, just be here...!" she said with a painful voice. She slowly crawled onto me like a kid and lied down resting her head on my chest and tightly clutched her hands to my shirt; she made me encircle my arms around her, she felt safe in them, always. But what an irony, it's me who had hurt and again it's me who's comforting her. She started sobbing, and the same was my state, and slowly her sobs turned deeper and violent, she started hitting me with her hand to release out her pain and anger, and I let her do that. I cried holding on to her, while she cuddled more into me, and my hands traveled her back soothing her. The whole night we cried being in each others' embrace, we made love again, but this time, we needed this to soothe the pain we had due to the loss. That sinful dark night had brought in so much of agony in our lives, which I know, can never be rehabilitated, but the love we have between us still gives me a ray of hope.
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Cricket
