From the very first few epis of this wonderful show I have always felt upset with how Devyani manipulated her kids and even Priya to save her home and tame the lion of the pride.
I felt angry at her because she was responsible for taking care of these kids and she was using their faith in her motherly love to pander to a horrible husband, an inconsiderate father and a malicious human being.
I felt bad for her when she shared her story and her helplessness but then I stopped feeling bad because she had chosen to continue this charade and make life altering decisions for her adult children without really considering the impacts of these decisions on their lives, their relationships and their wellbeing. Her only aim was not to rock the boat and it was irritating to see how much she fought to save a boat riddled with holes, patched up left right and center with her band-aid solutions and so obviously salvage status that anyone looking closely could spot this with the naked eye.
Her life was good from far yet far from good. She knew this yet she chose to live like this and forced anyone that rebelled against this system to succumb through emotional blackmail.
It really made me mad. Her was a woman who was free to leave (as her kids were no longer helpless or dependent), was not being physically abused or battered like her sister and she chose to stay back and accept a daily dose of emotional battery, lies, and attacks to her self-respect.
Her reasons for finally seeking divorce too were not the right ones. She did it as a scam and in a sense chose to be as gullible and a willing pawn in her husband's treacherous games.
But all that being said once she herself removed the blinders off her eyes, accepted her reality for what it was, her mistakes for what they were and chose to stick with her decision and seek that divorce, I could not help admire her gumption. Her guts. Her bravado. It is not easy sticking to a decision as big as this and trying to implement it with patience, resolve and tolerance. Her husband is a dangerous man. Yet she played the game directly from home base. No real protector other than her own wits. She sought counsel she felt was right. Did not let her son's emotional pleas sway her because she knew his pleas were based on half truths, one-side manipulations and the reactions of a shaken child in an unstable marriage. I have to say that I developed a grudging admiration for how she handled her own affairs. In fact, I feel that this woman has clearly shown how it is possible for a woman to demonstrate resolve, strength, confidence on her own terms and does not run away from battlefields to fight wars remotely. That would be too cowardly. So hats off to Devyani.
Then came the whole Uttara debacle. Her reaction threw me for a loop again. When I first the epis I thought she is doing wrong. I agreed with Aditya she is being Mahaan and Weird basically. She was trying to take two wrongs and make a right when actually what she was doing was making a third wrong.
I still think she should have let Uttara make the decision. That being said I could not help thinking about why she chose to still support a woman who destroyed her marriage, slept with her husband and now carried proof of that betrayal around for all to see.
When we react, most of us react with the logical side of our brains. We see Adi doing it all the time. You see things in black and white. Right or wrong. That is how I reacted too. But when you think things through you started using the other side. The more creative or emotional side of your brains. The IQ takes a back seat the EQ comes rushing to the front.
So thinking with EQ instead of IQ.
Why was she so upset with Uttara and then forgave her so easily?
Devyani knew she had been deceived early on in her marriage. She had decided to play along. Keep up the pretense. For the kids, for the society she lived in. Our minds are so open to the power of suggestion. If you see something often enough, you honestly start believing it. Prophesy fulfilling. She starting believing the lies she had spun for others. As long as he kept the affairs out of sight, the lies were out of mind for her. She wanted to believe that the image he created for the kids at home was the person he was. It is kind of a defense mechanism. We see what we chose to not necessarily what lies in front of our eyes. It happened with Aditya too. Like mother, like son.
When he slept with Uttara, the glaringly obvious truth struck home. Bulls eye. She could not hide from a reality that was no longer outside her family environment but was chasing her down like an evil shadow in every nook and cranny of her home. She could not deceive herself into believing the lies she had spun to protect her family all these years.
The curtains came down 30 years ago. This was just the rerun of the old classic.
Thinking back, I feel that the night she decide to get a lawyer she stopped treating him her husband
And the night he manipulated Adi against her on Gaurav's issue, she stopped seeing any value in him as a father of her children
Both the tentative strings that held up that illusion were now gone. This was why she could divorce him dispassionately with no drama, living in their house and inspite of all his machinations. She had stopped feeling or caring at that point of time.
How can she forgive Uttara?
Adi finds it hard to believe. But then again, he is not in the same place as Devyani. This is the end of the game for her. She knows why she was headed for the goal post. Adi joined in the last lap. The deception which Devyani had 30 years to get used to and accept, Adi had only 3 months. It is difficult for a child who has just come upon this revelation to accept that there is no emotional attachment between his parents. Familiarity if not love surely must still exist. He is reacting as a child who feels deeply guilty for turning his back on his mother when she needed him, as a child who has recently face a horrible deception by the father he blindly loved and trusted and most importantly as a loving devoted husband who could not even dream of breaking his marriage vows by having an extra marital affair.
I don't think Devyani is thinking like this. Brahma and his infidelities are of no consequence to Devyani anymore so she is not letting herself be affected by it any more
Uttara however is her blood sister. One cannot change that or help react to it.
It's like having a kid sister who is a junkie. She is helpless, manipulated and not acting normally or demonstrating any moral conscience. You give her shelter and she abuses the sanctity of your home by betraying your trust and selling all of your hard earned belongings. It hurts. You get mad. You vent. You probably even consider throwing her out but when you see her sorry state in front of you and see that she is on a downward slope emotionally, mentally and physically, you cannot help but react to support. Its instinctive. Adi does not realize it but he reacted in the same way when he found out the bro he loved had duped Vidya and done something so shameful. Yet, thereafter he started rationalizing Gaurav's wrong doing and blaming others. Gaurav was equally to blame but Adi's love for his brother allowed him to see past clear wrongdoing and support Gaurav no matter how much he hated what Gaurav had done and the fallout from it. Vidya too is continuous proof of Gaurav's wrongdoings just like Uttara and her child will be. Yet Adi cannot relate to Devyani. We probably cannot even expect him to.
Devyani has moved on emotionally and mentally which is why is able to look past the betrayal to herself and her family and focus on helping her sister. This is why she can see Uttara's fears, emotional dilemmas and insecurities so differently than Adi. This is why she keeps feeling Uttara's pain whenever Brahma's mention resurfaces.
If you think about it from this perspective which is quite possibly hers, then her actions are not unbelievable or even mahaan but understandable and even instinctive and intuitive.
I am going to try and think with this perspective when I see the epis to follow may help me enjoy the dynamic more
Bade Achhe Lagte Hain
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