Chapter 4: Needs (Part B)
RK lay in Madhu's lap as she tentatively stroked his hair. Soon, Madhu realized he was asleep and felt a tinge of relief, hoping he was at peace. Her eyes inadvertently started tracing his face. She was searching for something - for the footprints of the last seven years which at the moment felt like a black hole in RK and Madhu's life, for clues that would help her understand what he had undergone in that time, for the man who used to be her husband. He was so familiar to Madhu, so similar to the memory she had reminisced every single night in the last seven years. And yet, there was something different. Like something inside him was broken, or empty. Was he even real, Madhu suddenly worried. Was this day even real, or was she seeing a ghost? She touched his face and closed her eyes, trying to feel the touch and let her heart answer. Her hand crept slightly downwards, still staying above where he was bruised, and she tried to feel his heart beat. Gradually, something within her thawed and tears started flowing from her eyes. Her own heart beat rose as it started sinking in - her Rishu was really back.
Madhu opened her eyes and held RK tight. She was never going to let him go again.
"No no...don't...no...Dipali...don't hurt my Madhu...Madhu run...Madhu!" RK muttered as he violently convulsed in sleep, waking Madhu up. Madhu had fallen asleep sitting in the same position as night, with RK's head still in her lap. Faint morning light poured in through the window, telling Madhu it was dawn. She held RK, who was sweating and shivering vigorously, and tried to wake him up out of his nightmare.
"Rishu...Rishu I am here...Rishu wake up" she softly tried to speak.
"Madhu" RK muttered
"Yes Rishu" Madhu enveloped RK in her embrace and RK hugged her back, hoping to reassure him. RK turned, laying on his back with Madhu still in his embrace and top of him.
"Madhu" he muttered, and Madhu rubbed his shoulder, trying desperately to convey to him he was safe. Out of instinct, she kissed him on his forehead. The very next second, RK had rolled and she was under him, her lips being devoured by RK's with a wild, intense passion. Madhu was shocked for a second, but she didn't resist. It had felt weird, but Madhu put it down mostly to the vast swathe of time since she had last been kissed. "Madhu" RK mumbled as he continued to kiss Madhu relentlessly. Madhu was completely trapped under RK now, with her hands on her sides clasped by his hands and her lips in RK's possession.
"Rishu..I..." Madhu began to say something when RK shifted his attention to her neck, but first an intense pain stopped her as she felt RK bite her neck and then RK's mouth was back on hers biting her lips so much they started bleeding. Madhu tried to wriggle out from underneath Rishabh but couldn't move. She felt one of RK's hands over her body, and she felt confused with the mix of pain and pleasure his touch was delivering. He was rough unlike ever before, and yet, he was the man she loved and her bodily senses were enslaved to him. She was only ever his, only ever meant to be his, even though she had long given up hope she would ever know the feeling of being possessed by him.
"Rishu" she tried saying something, looking towards Rishabh's face, trying to get him to calm down, but realized RK was unresponsive, perhaps not even fully awake. He was mumbling her name, but still didn't seem to be there. Madhu attempted to get up as RK's grip loosened for just a couple of seconds but she was whacked back down on the bed, she heard her panties getting torn and moments later, he was inside her, thrusting violently. Madhu cried out in pain, but quietened herself as she finally realized that it was the demons within RK that had possessed him and turned her gentle, respectful husband into a beast. This wasn't her RK, this was merely the horrors within him. Maybe, this was good because his pain and all negative energy in him was finally coming out of him. She stopped resisting, even though the pain of the sudden thrusts continued to tore through her. A couple minutes later, RK groaned as he climaxed inside her, and fell over her, spent. Madhu wiped her tears and gently patted his back until he was asleep again. Then she pushed him off, got off the bed and limped to the washroom.
A couple of hours later, RK suddenly woke up, feeling panicked. He sat up and tried to shake off the hazy memory of a horrible dream where he had forced himself on Madhu that was making his heart race. Madhu! Where was she? he panicked and looked around, gradually recognizing his surroundings. He remembered Madhu was here last night. He noticed his shorts were lying on the floor and Madhu's mangalsutra on the bed, and it struck him that it wasn't just a dream. Guilt enveloped his heart as he pieced together the events. He didn't understand where it came from and what happened to him. He had been having violent nightmares all through the last year but he had never hurt anyone. And now he had hurt the person he loved more than anyone in the world, the one person for whom he had fought death. Perhaps she hated him now!
Fear had gripped RK's heart when he stuttered to the living room 15 minutes later. Madhu had bathed and changed and was walking back in after dropping the kids to their school bus.
"Madhu..."RK mumbled with some difficulty, seeing her enter the house. Immediately, Madhu saw the guilt and fear on his face.
"Good morning. You just missed the kids, I just dropped them to the school bus."
Good, I don't even want them to see their father in such condition. Perhaps they would hate me too. RK paused to think, then summoned courage to apologize to Madhu.
"Madhu...I..."
"What would you like, tea or coffee?" Madhu said entering the kitchen, cutting Rishabh off.
"I haven't changed that much, Madhu, though I know...listen...I..." Madhu started making the black coffee Rishabh always used to have when he woke up. She wouldn't have been surprised if his tastes or needs had changed in the last seven years, but this little shred of familiarity brought a sense of contentment to Madhu.
"...maybe I have changed...but I am the same Rishabh...I am still yours...can you...can you believe me? I..." Rishabh continued to struggle for words, then suddenly broke down, leaning against the kitchen door where he had followed Madhu.
"I am sorry...I am so so sorry Madhu..."
Madhu immediately walked to him and touched his cheek
"Rishu...look at me...you don't have to apologize...it's not your fault..."
"It is...Madhu...I am sorry...this morning...I don't know what happened to me..."
"Shhh...nothing happened this morning okay...look at me, look at me in my eyes...I am your Madhu okay...your biwi...right"RK nodded in response but couldn't bring himself to look her in the eye. Madhu wiped RK's tears though he continued to sob. He held out her fist and opened it to reveal Madhu's mangalsutra, which she immediately picked up and wore.
"I..."
"Shhh..no more words...whatever happened, is over" Madhu patted RK's back to calm him down. A few minutes back, she pulled away and went to pour his coffee. RK stared at the bruises on Madhu's neck, still unable to directly look at her.
What was he thinking walking back into Madhu and his children's life all of a sudden? After everything, did he still deserve her?
The questions continued to bug him as he sat down on the table and sipped his coffee a few minutes later. He hadn't properly apologized for this morning. Hell, he hadn't apologized for the last seven years, or even given enough explanation. Would Madhu forgive him? He watched Madhu prepare breakfast in the kitchen and continued to search for words that he could say. Emotionally drained, he gave up after some time and decided to try again after some time.
Madhu walked to the living room and saw a pensive RK lost in his thoughts. His coffee had turned cold, and something within her was terrified she was losing him again. The last two hours had given her the time to calm down and realize that she had to help RK overcome whatever trauma he had undergone. He needed time, space and patience, and she resolved to give him everything she could. But seeing him break down in the kitchen a while back had shaken her resolve. Her mind was bursting with questions, but she wanted to let RK open up at his pace without probing or hurting him. He wasn't the same man she had loved in many ways, but in many other ways, he still was even though she was holding onto those parts with only a very thin thread. Yet, she knew he still loved her - if anything, this morning had been proof of that. Madhu told herself she could do anything to keep from losing him again and braved a smile as she walked to RK, resolving to make him feel welcomed, loved and integrated into a normal life as soon as she could.
"Breakfast time!" she chuckled, though the huge effort and the lack of any cheer or energy was very evident in her voice.
"What are you looking at - oh the photo frame...wait let me bring it to you? This is Ria's. A similar one for Rohan is on that wall. Look."
RK's trance was broken by Madhu's voice, and seeing her feeble smile made him understand how hard she was trying. He looked at the photo frame Madhu was pointing at. His children...they had virtually grown up without him...how much had he missed.
Madhu walked RK through the pictures for some time, then said. "There are more in the boxes in kids room. I will show them to you in evening."
"When did you move here?" RK asked, remembering to ask the question that had been bothering him since yesterday. This was a much smaller house than where they lived. They were never rich, but they were more than comfortable, especially with all the money and property Mohan Kundra had left for his sons.
"Shortly after you..." Madhu stopped midway, not wanting to recount those horrible days. She considered how to tell her husband that his brother had thrown his wife, his daughter and his three weeks' old son out of his house soon after his death "Sikander had come...he...our house..."
"Sikky threw you out of the house!" RK flinched in rage, standing up. "How dare he! That's my house, and legally yours."
"Ma tried to fight for us, but he...and I didn't know anything about the property papers and Dad's will...anyway, Ma came with us...so we weren't alone. Vikram helped me find a job and this house." Madhu filled him in
"What about my insurance?"
"I...I didn't have the insurance papers. Ma didn't know anything about it as well.
"And Air Force? You should have got pension"
Madhu choked, unable to explain to RK how she had refused to take the widows' pension because she couldn't make herself go to the Air Force headquarters and see that world again. How she had refused to believe that her Rishabh was indeed dead. How taking the pension would be resigning to the reality that she was a widow. It didn't make sense, and Radha had constantly fought her to go there and fill out the paperwork, but she just couldn't make herself do it. Once, three years ago, when Rohan was seriously ill and she needed money for treatment, she almost gave in and decided to go there. But Vikram stepped in and helped then, and thankfully Rohan recovered soon after.
"I...I couldn't...it would have meant you were gone forever." Madhu somehow braved, tears streaming down her eyes.
RK slumped back on the sofa, broken by a sense of helplessness
"You had to work to survive?! With Rohan and Ria...all alone...oh God. I...I.." RK choked with the realization. He felt he would explode any second with anger, guilt and sheer pain. His family didn't deserve the suffering. His Madhu...she didn't...why was this happening to them.
"It's okay Rishabh. We can't fight fate. Listen...I...ummm...I need to go to work. I will try to come early but...I didn't go yesterday and..."Madhu spoke, and RK looked upto her. He remembered his old Madhu, who never wanted to work in a 9-6 job. She just wanted to paint a few hours every day and be an artist. But she had grown up, he guessed.
"You don't need to work, Madhu. I mean, if you want to, it's fine. But not for money. We..."
"I understand Rishabh...circumstances were such that...anyway, I have to go today to handover some stuff...I will take the rest of the week off. I am sorry, I can't...not without notice..."
"It's okay. You go. I'd be fine."
"I will be back by 6." Madhu said, picking up her purse from the table.
RK heard a horn outside, and shortly thereafter, Madhu left. From the window, he watched her sit on a bike and speed away from him. RK felt a helpless, empty pain take over. It was better than the numbness of his recent past, but only just.
Nothing was the same any more.
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