This is real me RK

If You Really Knew Me Madhu,You'd Know That...

1. I desperately want to be accepted
2. I am afraid of not winning this battle
3. Just now I am figuring out who I am
4. I have a hard time with the concept of forgiving
5. I smile all the time because I don't know what else to do
6. I am starting to become comfortable with the idea that I am ordinary and that there's nothing wrong with that
7. My eating disorder is not the problem; it's the symptom of my real problems
8. Sometimes I just want you to listen, not talk, not interrupt, not offer advice or suggestions. Sometimes all I want is you to sit there and listen and to feel like I have been heard
9. Sometimes the weight of my sadness is bone-crushing, like the pressure of water down deep
10. I hurt myself because it's the only feeling (pain) that I can stand to feel
11. I am terrified of not being a good enough father
12. At the start of the next day, before I even brush my teeth, I ask God to help me stop myself from hurting either myself or anyone around me
13. I'm deathly afraid of growing up and dealing with all the things a grown-up must think about, even though I'm technically an adult
14. There are so many things I wish I could say
15. Words and actions hurt me even though they weren't meant to
16. I cry when you hug me because of the emptiness and pain I know I'll feel when you finally do let me go
17. I am so incredibly mean to myself. I wouldn't talk to any other person on earth the way I talk to myself
18. What I want right now more than anything is love from myself. If I had more self love, the criticisms, the negativity, the thoughts, the low self-esteem, the self-doubts would all cease
19. I sometimes need your help, but I'm not sure how to tell you this
20. I really do care about you, more than you could even imagine
21. I cry when no one is around
22. I am an emotional and mental abuse survivor. I am on a healing mission to make sure I stop the cycle of abuse and never pass on what happened to me to someone else. I think that that makes me pretty unique and remarkable
23. I'm head-over-heels in love with my former family
24. I hold back from full recovery because I hang on to anorexia as an excuse to not chase after my real goals
25. I don't like the eating disorder, I just am having a hard time disliking it
26. I felt too ashamed, too dirty, too embarrassed and too scared to tell you that I couldn't cope without hurting myself
27. I have a very difficult time seeing myself as a real man
28. I want to make a difference in the world
29. I am unable to see my potential right now but it helps me to hear you when you tell me it's there
30. I'm afraid to know myself and understand my feelings and wishes
31. As I'm smiling and laughing, I have voices screaming and degrading me in my head
32. I blame myself for being rude
33. I am at a crossroads. For all my lifeI have tried to be someone else. I have sweat, cried, screamed my way out of my skin
34. My family is more dysfunctional than I like to admit
35. When I laughingly say I don't want to grow up, I'm not joking. I really am terrified
36. I believe that everyone's flaws should be accepted and forgiven except for mine
37. My love for my father overwhelms me
38. I am honorable inside
39. I would give anything to get out of my head and into my body when I am being intimate with my costars
40. I'm always in a state of obsession. My mind is always going a mile a minute and my Bittu ji berating me for something. I never have a moment of pure peace or silence in my head
41. I'd love to escape to somewhere by the beach, eat, drink, dance, without a care in the world
42. I lied my way through treatment and I'm now paying the consequences
43. I'm scared to leave the student world and enter the real world alone
44. I miss my parents like mad
45. I feel there's an empty hole in me
46. Some days I feel like the old me & it feels so liberating
47. More than anything I long for a mother who loves me and listens to me and to go home and feel safe
48. I feel guilty about all the pain I feel
49. I hate, absolutely hate, feeling vulnerable and I will do almost anything to avoid it
50. I feel nothing most of the time and I wait to see your reactions before I know how to respond/reply/react myself
51. I am really sensitive although I appear unfeeling
52. I'll lie to everybody to keep them from being hurt or from hurting them
53. I feel like a complete failure as a husband
54. What I want most is to just hear that I am ok just the way I am even if my natural state isn't common, normal or cool
55. I worship the ground my father walks on and he never even knew it. I compare myself to everything he did
56. What you said/did hurts
57. Sometimes I feel like I don't belong anywhere and I feel like an alien and that I don't belong in this time because my outlook feels so foreign
58. I don't like myself right now and I need support, but then when I get that support, I'm scared to let go of it again, scared that I'll lose it
59. I still sleep with a stuffed animal
60. No one could berate me more than I do myself
61. I hate being needy and yet I long to be taken care of
62. I am a scared little boy searching for a daddy to love him
63. Without this mask I don't really know who I am
64. I'm not trusting of anyone
65. I simultaneously crave both fitting in and standing out. I feel like a failure when I'm different, and I feel like a failure when I blend
66. The bittu ji was the only constant in my life, the only thing which felt unchanging regardless of what external events happened. The Bittu ji was the only guarantee, the only certainty, the only thing loyal to me throughout everything that came my way
67. I wish that I didn't hate myself but at the same time, I don't know how it would feel to like myself
68. I am so afraid of being in an intimate relationship with a woman and I fear I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life
69. I'm afraid I won't be a good father
70. I wear my weight like an armor
71. The bigger my smile, the larger my pain
72. I use my body to convey what my words cannot
73. I always feel like a burden but usually I hide that
74. I don't want you to give up on me
75. I have big dreams and wish that I believed enough to make them become a reality
76. I don't even know myself
77. I want to love my mother but I cannot figure out how
78. For years, I longed for someone to know my secret, in the hope they'd stop the pain and stop me from hurting because I didn't care enough about myself to stop myself
79. When I do something stupid, and remember it later, the "me" in the memory always looks fat and ugly
80. I have no confidence in myself or my abilities
81. I struggle to believe in myself at times and fear being hurt by criticism but I am courageous and don't shrink back from those things I am gifted at
82. I will not show that I am mad at you. In fact, I probably won't even feel mad at you, unless someone else reassures me that it IS something to be mad about
83. I want to find something that will make my parents proud of me
84. I don't really give a rat's ass about how I look. I only talk about it so much as a way of verbalizing all the fears inside me that I don't know how to identify
85. I love you even when you don't think I do
86. I pray that I will still be able to have children someday
87. I'm so, so sorry for all the times I lied to you
88. I am scared shitless because I don't know what to do with my life and I cannot cope without direction
89. I only pretend to be immature: I'm scared to show you just how serious and deep I can be
90. I need help believing in myself
91. I am holding on to my faith and my belief in God
92. I don't know who I am or what I'm all about
93. I don't feel that I deserve your unconditional love
94. Even when it doesn't look like it, I am trying, and I'm doing my best in the moment
95. I won't ever measure up to "you"
96. I harbor an immense amount of guilt over my actions and this prevents me from telling you, as I don't want you to shoulder my pain and my burden, or know my shameful secret for what it is
97. I am really afraid that I could really exceed beyond my wildest dreams. But I have never let myself try, because what if I succeed then fail miserably
98. I'm scared that this will kill me one day