FF: KUCH LUV JAISA - LAST pt pg-72 NOTEpg-75 - Page 54

He opened the door carefully ensuring not to make any noise that would disturb her sleep. With slow and cautious steps he reached the bed, good she was asleep. He sat and raised his hand to lift the comforter and got in the bed all the time looking at her making sure that his movements didn't wake her up but all his efforts went futile as she murmured "sahab" through her half closed eyes. He bit the inside of his cheek guiltily and whispered back while stroking her arm," shh..so jaa." He kept on gazing at her till she went back to sleep and even afterwards. His eyes never got tired of watching her calm and serene face during the nights and felt fresh again when water droplets fell on them from her wet hair in the mornings. His day started after witnessing the bright and radiant smile which reached her eyes and ended with the soft smile playing on her lips. He remembered when she laughed her heart out on the diwali night on seeing sudarshan's dhoti getting caught in fire which left him totally mesmerized also she managed to smile through her tears when he brought bappa home for her, he couldn't forget how happy she was then and ofcourse the relief that always reflected on her face on seeing him coming back home safe, his heart warmed up on seeing someone wait for his return every night. Although initially he rarely reciprocated to her smile but that didn't stop his heart from fluttering, that was the effect she had on him. Later on she taught him to smile too, she gave him several reasons to do so, he recalled how she teased him on stealing modaks during ganesh puja that day he laughed openly after so many years and that was just the starting many incidents followed then. He turned his neck to look at her, her cheeks used to turn a deeper shade of pink whenever he came dangerously close to her and he enjoyed seeing her going all shy. He raised his finger and pressed her lower lip slightly, unknowingly in her sleep her lips stretched in a smile which lit his heart up. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes to sleep.

Sometime later he felt her grab his kurta tightly in her fist, why was she clinging on to him for support as far as he could remember she had always been her support system pulling him out of his miseries and freeing him from the clutches of his dreadful past. Her maturity and her undying support gave him the strength to fight against his inner demons and made him realize that he wasn't such a bad person as he perceived himself to be. Sometimes we build walls around ourselves not only to keep people out but also to see who cares enough to break them down and she did exactly that, slowly and steadily she made holes by her persistent care and love in the rock solid wall that he had build around himself and succeeded to pull him out of it and show him that his outside world was indeed beautiful just like her. He lifted his hand brushed his long slender fingers through her strand of hair falling on her cheek and tucked it behind her ear carefully. His soft touch never left her unaffected even if she was in her dreams, her hold on his kurta loosened and she turned to sleep on her back moving slightly away from him. He noticed the sudden distance she had created between them, it disturbed him to see her drift away from him. He remembered AS's words," reh payega nakku ke bina?" he knotted his brows as his mind went back to the time when she had gone to her mother's place for ten days, how restless he had felt in her absence, he missed the small small things she did for him. He should have realized it then that living without her would be difficult but he ignored what his heart said and followed his mind blindly only to know that her mere physical presence wasn't enough for him but also what and what not she said mattered a lot to him. He couldn't forget those two long and torturous days when she hardly spoke to him, her silence killed something inside him, he couldn't bear to see her distancing herself from him still he avoided to accept his true and actual feelings for her which were much stronger and deeper than he chose to display, he thought he could never fall in love again. She knocked at the door of his heart which carried a "No Entry" board, when he didn't open she used her love key to unlock it and came in silently, before he knew she had already made a place for herself in his heart and in his life so whenever she mentioned about leaving him it annoyed him to no extent but then she wasn't at fault, when did he confess his love to her? Leave her, when did he acknowledge to himself that he fallen for her and couldn't live without her? Whenever he claimed to love somebody, he lost that special person, he didn't wish to accept what she meant to him for the fear of losing her later on, which was why he was skeptical to name his feelings as love to her and thought that life could just continue like this smoothly without having him to face reality. But now he wanted to, he wanted to strike a different deal with her, which was a little different from the previous one, firstly instead of her staying in his life for just one year he wished her to stay with him for a life time, he gazed at her baby bump and smiled thinking he wished to have many more babies with her and lastly their marriage may lack anything but definitely not "Love" it would build and survive on this priceless emotion. He lifted his head to press his lips on her forehead but instead his lips moved down and landed on hers sealing this new deal with a kiss. His lips lingered on her tender and soft ones, taking their own sweet time in promising to love her till his last breath. When he parted he saw her dreamy eyes opening up in confusion and surprise, he hoped she understood whatever he wanted to convey if not he would tell her soon but not now. He laid on his back, stretched his legs, sighed peacefully and closed his eyes relishing the moment, the moment devoid of any confusion, the moment where he had finally accepted his love for her. Her heart thudded loudly inside her chest as she narrowed her still drowsy eyes which looked back at him wondering what had gotten into him? But he seemed too relaxed and ignorant to her anxious feelings.

He pulled out the drawer of his cupboard and took out the small box, opened it slowly and gazed at the gold ring which she had gifted him on her birthday, his lips curled in a thin smile and his heart beat nervously on thinking about admitting his love to her. His throat went dry as he wondered how would he tell her everything, he had always been a man of few words and today his feelings demanded to be expressed. He licked his lips and took a deep breath before slipping the ring in his pocket and pushing the drawer in. He was shutting the cupboard when he heard her scream, "SAHAB", he rushed out of the room and froze as he reached the stairs, she had rolled and fallen down the stairs. His eyes widened in shock on seeing her bleeding and crying in pain, he ran down and held her in his arms only managing to call her name out weakly," nakku ..nakku." , feeling as if he had lost his voice. She clutched her stomach in pain and shut her tired eyes which couldn't remain open for long.

He took her to the hospital where the doctors declared that she needed to be operated soon. He remained by her side trying to wake her up by calling her out but she remained unconscious and held his hand firmly till they reached the operation theatre where he had no choice but to let her go. Her fingers brushed on his palm as they separated. The ward boy informed him before the operation started that there was excessive blood loss and in such a situation it would be difficult to save both mother and child. He creased his forehead on hearing this, if that wasn't enough he was asked to sign a paper stating whom did he wish to be saved, mother or child? He flared his nostrils as the anger in him reached its peak and he pounced on the ward boy by grabbing him by his collars in his hands and gritted his teeth while announcing," kisi ko kuch nahin hona chaiye !" he wanted both of them to be safe, the ward boy swallowed the lump down his throat and nodded his head fearfully seeing blood rise to his eyes. He paced up and down impatiently outside the operation theatre waiting for the red bulb to switch off. His mobile vibrated and he took it out in irritation, it was baaji asking him when he would come and meet AS, he pursed his lips and scratched his forehead before replying," main hospital main hi hoon..par dusre floor par nakku ke saath..thodi der main aata hoon." And disconnected the call not letting baaji ask him anything more. He held the locket hanging in his chain tightly as the operation theatre opened and the doctor came out. The doctor appeared disappointed and apologetic, she came near him and told him," sorry..hum apke bacche ko nahin bacha sake." His mouth opened in shock but words didn't come out, his heart sank on hearing that he had lost his child, he couldn't believe his ears and kept on looking at the doctor blankly. His whole world came crashing down, he went numb as his heart stopped beating, he held the chair behind him to prevent himself from collapsing down and hit his head back against the wall behind in despair. The doctor could understand his trauma but she was helpless she tried her best to save the baby but in the end couldn't succeed in doing so, she lowered her head and turned to leave when she heard him ask softly," ladka tha?" she looked over her shoulder and nodded her head, yes it was a boy. He curled his fingers in a fist hard digging his nails in his palms and squeezed his eyes shut controlling himself not to break down as everything seemed to be ended around him.

After what felt like ages he opened his shell shocked eyes and began walking down the corridor as a lifeless body, he saw other pregnant women coming with their husbands for check ups and remembered how he too accompanied nakku whenever she visited the doctor. He turned his neck to look at the doctor's cabin where for the first time he heard the heart beat of his child but now is own seemed missing, tears clouded his vision as he recalled the images of the baby which appeared during the ultrasound. He couldn't forget his tiny hands and feet which kicked from time to time, how could he go away like that? He refused to accept and kept on walking aimlessly unaware where his steps were taking him. He left the hospital quietly wondering how everything finished in this short span of time. His wandering feet stopped at a sight of a group of small school going children holding on to their parent's fingers firmly not willing to separate from them, some crying on being dropped at the school, he gazed at his own fingers, how easily his child parted with him, without wrapping his little delicate fingers around his strong index finger, without calling him out even once he left him silently forever. He walked to a nearby park oblivious to the people of patil vadi greeting him, he sat on the bench holding his head in his hands and eyes tightly shut. Suddenly he felt something near his foot, he opened his eyes and saw a big plastic ball there, he picked it up and lifted his head, a toddler stood with his outstretched arms asking for his ball. His lips curled in a smile on seeing that chubby kid, just the way he had imagined his golu to be, he gave him back the ball and raised his arms to cuddle him but the child ran away to his father as soon as he got the ball. His eyes turned moist once again on seeing his bare arms which longed to take his child in them, for years he waited to hold someone tiny and his wait had almost ended, he was just a step away from embracing his child but now everything seemed lost and miles away. He wrinkled his nose and banged his right hand on the bench in frustration thinking why did this happen to him? He continued to hit his hand till it started bleeding. He stopped when he saw his own blood, he stared at his hand, hand which had killed so many, hand which was soaked with the blood of others now had his own. He smirked at himself, with these blood stained hands he wished to hold his child? after taking away so many lives he desired to hold a new life in them? How easily he had forgiven himself and left the world of crime to reform himself but forgot he had to pay for his sins, what goes around comes around , we don't understand what pain is till we are hurt ourselves, we don't realize what life is till we lose our loved one and he had experienced just that. He covered his face with his hands and sobbed shamelessly. His mobile vibrated, once again a worried baaji was on the other side," bhau tu kahan hai?" he parted his lips to reply in his hoarse voice," main..woh.." before he could tell about his whereabouts, baaji asked," aur nakku? Nakku tere saath hai?" he narrowed his eyes on being asked about nakku, in all this he had completely forgotten about her, he kicked himself mentally on being so careless and informed baaji that he was coming back at once.

He rushed to the hospital and found baaji standing at the gate and told him," subha nakku seediyon se ghir gayi thi ..uska operation karana pada..phir." baaji waited in anxiously to tell him further as to what happened post operation, from the look on dutta's face he could make out that something terrible had occurred but still he hoped that everything was fine. Dutta narrowed his eyes in pain and took a deep breath before informing him hesitantly," doctor bacche ko bacha nahin sake." Baaji's eyes turned moist as he stared back at him in shock. Dutta lowered his head and went in to see nakku, he reached the operation theatre, she wasn't there, he asked the nurse about her who told him that she was shifted to the nearby ward. He opened the door of her room which was empty, he scanned the whole area for her but failed to find her, worriedly he asked a passing ward boy who replied that she had left the room some time back and didn't know where she had gone. His eyes fumed with anger and he clenched his jaws tightly, she had been operated some time back how could they let her leave the hospital like that? He grabbed the ward boy by his shoulders and shook him hard," aisi haalat mein tumne usey jaane kaise diya?" the ward boy turned pale on hearing him scream at him, baaji came in and freed him from dutta's hold and said," bhau yahin kahin hogi hum dekh lete hain..patil niwas ya apni ayi ke ghar hogi ..aur kahan jayegi?" dutta brushed his hand through his hair and looked around frantically for her, baaji went to search for her at patil niwas and at her mother's place while dutta thought hard where else could she have gone.

She stared at the devi maa's idol, the same place where they had got married, the place where their relationship had started, the same place where she had come back to seek her blessings on knowing about her pregnancy, the place where their relationship of compromise had taken its actual shape, in the form of their baby. The place where she had turned from a girl to a wife and then to mother. Devi maa had given her a lot in these last few months, her gaze dropped at her empty lap and in one swift move had taken away everything leaving her bare handed. She knew a day like this would come when she would have nobody by her side, neither her child nor him but at least he would have got what he wanted that was the only thing that kept her going, the hope of making him happy lessened her pain to some extent. She had never complained as to why was she chosen to be in a loveless marriage? Why she had to give away her child who she nourished and felt for nine months in her womb? She accepted her fate with a brave smile displayed on her lips and tears hidden deep within so that he smiled, so that his dream got fulfilled then why did all this happen? After such a long time happiness had knocked at his door and when he had welcomed it with open arms then why did it turn away? For the first time she gazed at Devi maa's idol with hurt and accusation, if she had to take away their child later then why did the child come in their lives in the first place? If she had to crush his one and only dream later on then why did she allow him to dream? Why did she raise false hope in his heart? Why was his happiness so short lived? And why did she bring her in his life when ultimately she would fail to give him what he desired?

Unable to find answers to her questions she closed her tired eyes only to open them when she felt something around her. She saw a pair of legs standing in front of her, she didn't need to lift her head up to see who they belonged to. He was breathing hard as his heart raced in anger, he was searching for her like crazy, in the past one hour he died a thousand deaths, what was she doing here and why did she leave without informing him? How irresponsible could she be? What if something happened to her?He pursed his lips as he asked," tu yahan kya kar rahi hai?" she didn't reply and kept staring his feet, which enraged him further, he raised his voice this time and questioned," agar tujhe kuch ho jata toh?" she shook a little hearing him growl, he sighed deeply on seeing her tired and worn out face then looked above to calm himself down and this time said softly," chal uth aur ghar chal." He turned around to leave expecting her to follow him but she remained seated and didn't move like a statue," sahab ..mere pass apko dene ke liye ab kuch nahin hai…jot ha woh maine kho diya" He stopped in his tracks as he heard her say that now she didn't have anything to offer him, he turned back and saw her clutching her belly, his creased brows ironed out automatically as the grief of losing their child took over him once again, he kneeled down in front of her and glanced at her pale and expressionless face, why was she blaming herself for the miscarriage? It wasn't her fault, the pain of losing the child doubled on realizing that she was taking the entire responsibility on herself. He held her hand which was holding her belly but she didn't lift her eyes to look at him, she didn't have the courage to face him after shattering his hopes and desires and freed her hand back from his hold. He clenched his jaws in hurt on seeing her moving her hand back, indeed she couldn't succeed in giving him what he wished for but unknowingly she had given him all that he had never asked for, she gave him something which he actually craved for " true love", he tried to look into her eyes which refused to look back at him," tune bina mange mujhe woh sab diya jo main humesha se chahta tha." He couldn't ask neither expect anything more from her, all that he said fell on deaf ears, she didn't react to his words at all, he cupped her face in his hands forcing her empty eyes to gaze at him," tujhe yaad hai ek baar tune hi kaha tha ki jo humari marzi se ho woh accha hai aur jo humari marzi se na ho woh aur bhi accha ..kyunki usmein bappa ki marzi hoti hai ..isliye jo hua woh bhi shayad humare acche ke liye hi hua." She remembered telling him that whatever happens, happens for the best even if it is not as per our wish cause then it has the wish of the almighty but today even her own words failed to sooth away her pain, what good could be in losing your child? She didn't understand. He stared at her blank and lost eyes which appeared deprived of life, he swallowed the lump in his throat and said," shayad ye baccha humein sirf saath laane ke liye aaya tha ..mujhe is baat ka ehsaas dilane ke liye ki main tere bina kitna adhura hoon." Her eyes shifted slightly on hearing what he said, she couldn't believe his words, did their child come in this world only to unite them? Did she really mean so much to him? She knotted her brows questioning him innocently, he nodded his head and continued," main iske bina toh phirbhi reh sakta hoon ..par tere bina?" shook his head in negation," nahin jee sakta ..ek pal ke liye bhi nahin." He couldn't imagine a moment without her, the thought of her not being with him snapped life out of him, Her eyes finally met his which said all that she had wished to hear, the color that she had lost slowly started coming back to her face, the heart which had forgotten to beat began beating once again. He pressed her face softly, leaned his forehead against hers and whispered closing his eyes," bahut pyar karta hoon tujhse." For the first time after the miscarriage tears welled up in her eyes, she closed them and sprang into his arms, throwing hers around his neck and wept loudly. He embraced her back taking her delicate form in his strong frame allowing her to pour her heart out. He held her closely as her loud cries slowly became softer and till the last drop of tear remained in her eyes.

When he felt the grip around his neck loosen he moved back slightly and wiped her tear stained face with his fingers. Later he held her by her shoulders and made her stand, she was still hiccupping cause of the tears she had shed, his eyes travelled across the temple where they had got married, where he had exchanged several vows with her but fulfilled hardly any, now he wanted to make just a single promise to her; to love her forever and ever, he slipped his hand in his pocket and took out that ring, her gaze fell on it and she looked at in confusion," is adhure dutta ko apne pyar se aaj pura kar de." He was absolutely nothing without her and realized what she actually meant to him when he was at the verge of losing her forever. Her nervous eyes shifted from the ring to his vulnerable ones which plead to be desired, to be accepted and to be loved by her till eternity. With trembling fingers she took the ring from him and slipped it in his finger, she lifted her gaze and looked at him as her quivering lips let out," sahab" he engulfed her in his warm embrace and sighed deeply, she brought her arms around his back and pressed herself to him tightly closing every possible gap between them. Meeting each other was their fate, becoming life partners their choice but falling in love was beyond their control.

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He took a spoon of water in his right palm, chanted the gaytri mantra before drinking it, then again took some water and washed his palm. He put twigs into the havan kund along with a piece of camphor and burnt it. The punditji recited holy mantras several times and he added the word "swaha" towards the end every time. She touched his arm as and when he poured ghee into the fire. After the havan was done the punditji asked them to pray for their mother, so that her soul may rest in peace. They were celebrating AS's 60^th birth anniversary although she was no longer there with them but he believed wherever she was, she must be happy to see both of them together. Kala, leela , roops were distributing blankets and sweets amongst the people of patil vadi, his gaze stopped at baaji who was smiling broadly while talking to a young girl, he smirked inwardly on thinking it was high time that he too settled down. His eyes continued to travel searching someone else, She followed his gaze and pointed to the left where a chubby looking golu with his mouth full of ladoos was tying gajra in his twin sister's hair who was busy having jalebis. Both of them smiled looking at their children who were a replica of them. He stood at the edge of the stairs of the temple and joined both his hands greeting the people of patil vadi who had gathered in large numbers to bless him and his family. Suddenly he felt his kurta being tugged, he looked down and saw his princess raising her arms in the air waiting for him to pick her up and as soon as he did so she clung on to him tightly and placed her head on his shoulder. He smiled and thought back at the time when she was born, he had told nakku then and there that their daughter would never leave them and would stay with them even after marriage, he would find a househusband (ghar jamai) for her, though nakku appeared amused at his thoughts he was serious then and even now, he wouldn't let her go anywhere. Golu too urged his mother to pick him up in her arms, which she did happily and then asked," golu aaj kitne ladoo khaye?" he still had one in his tiny little fist which he popped in his mouth at once and replied shyly," dus" her eyes widened in surprise on knowing that he had ten ladoos, she looked at dutta accusingly who had a proud grin on his face. With his daughter in one arm he held nakku's wrist and descended down the stairs. In the last five years they went through mixed emotions, on one hand their children came into their lives while on the other hand AS left them, together they smiled, laughed and cried on each other's shoulders. Together they faced everything hand in hand promising to be with each other till their last breath. They loved each other more than words could define, feelings could express and thoughts could imagine.

THE END

Thanks a lot for reading, liking and commenting on this ff without which this beautiful journey would not have been possible. So till we meet again take care and love u loads

Rose