Sometimes when you love someone deeply, the unspoken words are louder than the spoken ones. But then the loved one has to love you back equally to hear those words. Otherwise they stay unheard, not understood like those stories which are left buried in a persons diary.
Ch3: The Unspoken
Present Day: 24th December 2009,1AM
Nakkusha's home
"Five years. Bloody five years of my life. How foolish can I be? Dutta, tell me, seriously. Am I stupid?" "Yes, you are. Always had been." Thump."Ouch!"."Tudu doll, be quiet. Mom-Dad will hear you and come to see, if you have fallen down your bed in sleep." Dutta rubed his chest where she had elbowed him. "It hurts, you know." Nakkusha grinned in the dark,"Oh don't be such a baby? What have you been doing anyway? You are hard everywhere." She wriggled to get comfortable and turned slightly in his arms."Can't get comfortable. I didn't know looking into microscopes gave you such muscles. What have been upto in those ice blocks?" Dutta swallowed a curse, the innocent didn't even know the pain she was inflicting on him unknowingly. He was burning inside, close to snapping any minute now. It was pure torture to have her so close to his body. He just had to turn a little to take those luscious lips for a deep kiss. Did she still like to put that sweet tasting cherry flavored lip balm? He remembered the taste of her lips from those two times when he had actually kissed her. And each time she had looked at him after that with bewildered expectant look which was like a knife to his gut. That memory acted like a cold shower cooling his ardor. She moved some more so that she was lying in the crook of his arms with her head on his shoulder."Stop thrashing around so much. It's distracting." He croaked out. "What?" "Nothing. I said lie still, please. You are not little anymore." Dutta tried to sound nonchalant. "Are you saying I am fat? I still wear 24" jeans you know?" Nakkusha grumbled. Dutta- damn it Nakkusha! Stop moving. Nakkusha-shush..dad will hear you. you'll wake them up. Dutta whispered- then you should go to your room. Nakkusha yawned- I will. Before sunrise. Tell me naa. What did you do these 5years? Did you..do you..I mean, do you have someone?
Dutta said slowly in a very quiet whisper- I finished my post grad and PhD in biotech from NYU. Then I applied for NCAOR as an assistant researcher. Got selected and joined Dakshin Gangotri research centre in Antarctic to study the microbes found there and last year changed bases to Maitri in Antarctic.
Nakkusha- just thinking of all that ice is giving me the shivers. How do you survive? Have you ever seen northern lights. Are there seriously seal leopards there? Are they vicious?
Dutta- yes its very cold, maximum temperatures this year recorded was -15 to -35C and you can get snow burns,frost bites. We survive due to central heating. Yes, I have seen northern lights, only they are called southern lights in the Antarctic as it's the south pole and seal leopards are large and fast and not at all the cutest friendly creatures of earth.
Nakkusha-WOW, you must have loved it. How did you get to be so large and...you know...muscular? Dutta derisively rolled his eyes- my hormones finally kicked in. She humphed. Dutta sighed-See, there isn't much to do other then work, eat and sleep. There's not much to see, after two days everything in the Antarctic looks the same. White snow mountains,the wind,diamond dust. So to keep yourself busy and fit, you workout. Plus pulling a sleigh is tough job. You need to be trained for that, too. Or your dogs might panic and your expensive equipments will be lying broken in some abyss or in water.
Nakkusha-Hmm. Are the dogs as cute as those in 'eight below'. Dutta- yeah. They are smart and cute. Nakkusha- you didn't tell me if you have...you know, someone. Dutta- No. Nakkusha turned sharply- Not even in NYU. Dutta- No. Nakkusha felt elevated and smiled in the darkness. He didn't have anyone. But then she remembered Daniel and felt like a hypocrite asking him that. She felt the tears clouding again. A tear slipped down and fell on his shirt. he could feel the sniffle and the warmth of her tears on his chest. Dutta- hey, I thought we agreed that he was an ass and didn't deserve you. Why the tears now?
Nakkusha- I am not frigid, am I? I thought we should wait till we got married. He wanted to..you know? But I pulled back. Maybe, if I had..Dutta- would you have been happy doing that,Naksh? Did you want him? Nakkusha- I don't know. At that time, I thought I loved him and wanted to spend my life with him. Now ...now I just feel cheated but also grateful I didn't do anything reckless. Dutta, I feel confused. If you really love someone for so long shouldn't you feel broken and dead inside if they left you? Shouldn't there be a chasm inside you that seem like it'll never fill up? If so then why don't I feel it? What does that say about the kind of love I had for him? Maybe he was right in leaving me. He deserved more love. He deserved more.
Dutta- love is not always the same for everyone, Nakkusha. Some feel it differently than others. Some want to possess in love, some want to let their lovers go to be free and happy. Some stay and have the courage to see their love happy with others, some run away. Sometimes love just creeps on you and sometimes you try to catch it. He raises his arm in the air above his head trying to grab something and then opens it as if something has slipped from between his fingers. Dutta- and it eludes you. he turns his head to look in her huge eyes that are visible in the faint light of the moon sipping in from the window. Dutta- his message was total crap. A flimsy excuse of a man who had cold feet at the mention of responsibility. Fine, if you think that you didn't love him enough. What about his parents? Didn't they love him enough either?
Nakkusha answered after some time- you are right. She looks at the moon and turns back to him. "Dutta, would you kiss me." Dutta- WHAT? Nakkusha-shhhh...I said would you kiss me. Like a man kisses a woman. I want to see something. Dutta gulps- See what? Nakkusha- I want to confirm if it's me or him. Whenever he kissed me, I felt smothered. It felt..messy. I tried to really feel it but every single time it felt like he was just trying to put his tongue inside and it just made me...she shuddered a little.."gag. I thought with time it'll get better . like when we get married and shared everything. But what if he is right? What if I really am frigid? Maybe something is wrong with me. Maybe I am less of a woman. What if I never could feel desire? I must be incapable to satisfy...Aummh."
Before she could finish she felt herself being pressed down by a solid masculine weight and her mouth was captured in a hard punishing kiss. She was stunned for a second then of their own violation her lips opened under his. His lips were soft yet crisp. A roughness, with a touch of satin inside. They had a warm velvety texture to it. They brought back memories and feelings of another times, another kisses. She had thought she had forgotten those two kisses, but her brain brought back the memories with resounding force. She went lax in his arms,her own arms went around him by their own and held him close to her. He teased the entrance of her mouth, asking permission for the invasion. She offered him willingly and he took forcefully. She tentatively mimicked his tongue and was awarded by a rough groan in his throat. He pulled back a little she followed his lips by raising her head to capture them. He came back down to pin her to the pillow, his hands touching her throat while the other held her waist. And then just as suddenly, it had started, it got over. He got away from her and fell back on his back as far as the bed would allow. He looked at the roof breathing hard, his hands bunched. She looked at him stunned and feeling the loss of his weight. She felt cold suddenly; her fingers touched her bruised lips in wonder. Dutta rubbed his eyes- As a man I can guarantee you that there is nothing wrong with you as a girl. You are just normal. He looked away and continued- maybe he was not man enough to handle you. If anything you should curb your enthusiasm a little. If you keep responding like that to any guy....Nakkusha- it's not any guy. She got up and drew her legs to her chest looking lost and shocked. She should have known, no, she always knew. That's why.That's why, it hurt like that the first time he had talked about his girlfriend long time back. That's why she could never respond to anyone as she did to him. He had branded her long time back as a little girl at the verge of womanhood. Just like, he had branded her today. She subconsciously knew that, had known it the first time they had kissed when she had been fifteen. How could she have not known? It was always him. No one ever stood a chance. He was right that she was lucky that Daniel left her at the altar. What a mess it would have been? Nakkusha looked at him in the dark and repeated softly-it's not any guy. It's you. Always was and always would be. Dutta calmly stood up from the bed and walked towards the door, he opened it quietly and without looking at her murmured with steel in his voice-Get out.
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Fifteen years ago: 21st December 1994,10PM
Nakkusha's room
So tomorrow was the day. Oh, why did she have to try to impress him? She had been so silly thinking he would be proud of her if she participated in the play, just like him. Well, in her defense, she thought, she had never imagined that Dutta would not be able to participate. She had imagined that He would help her rehearse just like he repeatedly went through the same division and multiplication questions with her again and again till she knew them by heart during the exams. She hated maths and he was an absolute genius with figures. Since he was so smart, he was always ahead of his class and never feared the exams. While she dreaded them like ghosts. If only there were no exams, or schools, or plays. Life would have been so simple. If only uncle had not gone then..Then life would have been perfect. For last ten nights, she had been creeping out to his room and holding him in his sleep. Every night he would cry like a baby in her arms and go to sleep. He would cry that he was losing his mother, too. She was just not snapping out of the grief. He had always had a stronger bond with his dad. He loved his mom but his da was his friend and secret keeper. He would solve all his doubts. Nakkusha figured that now that uncle was gone, she could try and take his place as much as possible. She was already his friend so that was taken care off. She could keep secret, too, much better than him. He had spilled the beans last summer about the theft of Rama aunty's olive pickles left out in the sun from the terrace, not her. One snap from uncle and he was ready to puke out the pickles in the jar, too. Of course, when she had teased him about it he had pulled her pigtail so hard that it had made her eyes water."Dutta patil is not scared of anything. I just didn't want you to take the beating." Huh, as if SriRam uncle would ever scold her for anything. He was even easier to handle than dad. Now mom, that was a different matter. Mom would have surely skinned her alive and made her wear that silly blue dress with frills that granny had sent over for her birthday. That would have been punishment enough. That and his constant ribbing for ever wearing such a circus costume, as he called it. The dress was pretty though, the color matched her eyes. But he would have made a face and then, climbing trees is difficult in a dress. She came out of her reverie of that time when everything was nice and happy. It was Christmas time. She loved this time. The lights ,the shopping, the gifts, the tree, the decorations. She loved it. But this year there was no lights as dad was mourning his friend who had always helped him put them up. Mom didn't want to shop as she could not bear to smile when her friend was in tears. And she, she didn't know if Dutta would ever believe in Santa Claus again. She knew there was no Santa, but the gifts in her and his stockings every morning of Christmas just tickled them pink. Well, that won't happen this year, as it had been SriRam uncle who stashed the gifts.
Yes, she could be a friend and secret-keeper but what about the guidance part. He did have weird questions to ask. Who would answer them? A grown up maybe, but who? Her dad could answer questions too, but she doubted if he would ever listen to dad. If only aunty would talk to him.
She said her prayers in a hurry. She prayed for his happiness. He should get that stamp he had wanted last Diwali for his collection. Oh! and yes could Dear Lord be kind enough to let him be in the Indian Cricket team again instead of the Boxing one. She knew she was confusing the Lord with these ever changing wishlist. But he just would not make up his mind. He changed it every month. Sometimes he wanted to be an astronaut, so of course, she had to pray for that. Then the next day he said he wanted to be like Arnold in 'commando', so she had immediately negotiated the deal with Holy Lord. A few weeks later he wanted to be some rocky bolbola..no wait..what was that..yes,Rocky Balboa. And last month he had wanted to be Saurav Ganguly. She didn't knew what he wanted to be now, when he grew up. So she will stick with his last desire.Ok.So cricket team it is. And please take care of mom, dad. Please make aunty smile. Please tell uncle if he is sitting up there with you that she'll take care of Dutta,and will make him brush his teeth before going to bed.And...yes, please let him smile again,too. She waited a second before saying Amen, contemplating whether it would be too selfish to ask for tomorrow's play to go well, too. Afterall she had asked for so many things already. Well, it was enough for today. She will ask for it in the morning prayer. She crossed herself and climbed out of the window and made her way to his room.
The light was on and she heard a sob, she peeked in and saw him sitting on the edge of his bed holding a jar with twigs inside. She knew that jar and the twigs inside. That jar was cabby the caterpillar's first home and the twigs were the remnants of hummer's nest. He kept them with him as a memory near his study table. She was about to enter the room when the door opened and aunty walked in. She hid herself under the window and peeped in.
Shakuntala- beta. Dutta- ma? Aap soye nahin. He wiped his eyes. She came and took the jar from his hands. Shakuntala- I have been so selfish. I am your mother, I should be looking after you. But all this time you had to be strong for me.I am sorry, I was so blind to my pain. Dutta- Don't say that ma. You were hurting bad. I know, you love me.
Shakuntala- yes. I do love you. But..he was more than just your father. Since, you were born, you were more close to him. You would cry for hours in my arms but would instantly fall asleep in his lap. I always fought with him saying that you loved him more. I realize now, that how true it was. We both loved him more. She put her hand on his head and kissed his forehead. His eyes watered and he hugged her. Dutta- We didn't even get to say goodbye ma. You know what hurts me the most. Shakuntala looked in his eyes questioning. Dutta looked away in disgust- when he was dying, I was playing and laughing with my friends.I should have felt something. A feeling, uneasiness, anything to tell me that something was wrong. How did I not feel anything? Shakuntala- because we were not looking for signs. Betu, hum kabhi bur eke bare mein nahi sochte. And we should never think of bad either. What happened was an accident, we have to start accepting that. It's now just you and me. We have to stand together. He would want that. Dutta- I didn't even get to say goodbye. I couldn't tell him how much I loved him. Shakuntala- you don't have to tell him that. He knows. He always knew it. And he was so proud of you. I am so proud of you. The way you handled everything. My little son grew up so soon. Dutta, just because he is gone doesn't mean that you have to stop loving and obeying him. You can still say goodbye. Dutta- I can? How? Shakuntala- by fulfilling his dreams about you. by keeping all the promises you made to him. Dutta- I made him only one promise.
Shakuntala smiled- what? Dutta-I promised him that I'll always take care of Nakshu. Because she is weak and small. He said I should because she is like a sister to me.Shakuntala- then you should always keep that promise.
Dutta- I would. He hugged her." Thank you maa." Shakuntala hugged him tight and and laid him down for his sleep,tucking him with a kiss on his forehead. Nakkusha knew that he won't need her tonight. She went back, she thanked God for listening to her prayers. Before sleep took over her, her last thought was that Dutta should not think of her as a sister. That would be gross.
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Present day: 24th December 2009,1.30AM
Nakkusha's guestroom.
She got up and walked slowly to stand near him. He closed his eyes trying to hold back his temper. How dare she use him like that? She wanted a toss in hay on the rebound. He slammed the door close with a flick of his hand. The thud of the door felt louder in the quiet of the night. Dhurv- what did you want Nakkusha? Feeling sorry for yourself, huh? After all, this could have been your wedding night. Did you feel lonely in your bed and I was the most available thing? Hence, this whole slipping in the bed thing. How could you cheapen something that was so...so precious to me like that? If you need that then say it loud and clear. He grabbed her arm and roughly pushed her against the door. "Don't use that little girl to get under my skin. She is too pure. I lo..." He breathed sharply to check himself. He looked at her again," I can't bear it if you insult her memories. Do you get it." She calmly looked in his eyes. There was a storm brewing inside. Nakkusha- I needed to know if the boy I once knew, who would do anything for me, still lived or not. Maybe I got back a stranger instead of my friend. Now I know. Dutta- know what? Nakkusha- that what you said was true. Dani was not man enough to handle me and from the looks of it neither..are...you. Dutta looked ready to explode, he pounced on her kissing her into submission. She responding as she couldn't stay angry with him. He moved away a little and rested his head against the door. Dutta said in a defeated voice- please, don't take that away from me. It's the only thing that keeps me alive. Don't ruin it. I can't do this. He raised his head and looked at her calm composed eyes. There was serenity about her now, a unruffled air in spite of being kissed like that. It scared him. Dutta- don't push me to hurt you. I can't hurt you. I..care about you too much, Naksh. What happened to you, kid? You were always so sweet and guileless, kid. Please don't ruin everything with this craziness. Nakkusha- You can't hurt me,Tudu doll. You promised never to hurt me, remember? And that's just it. I am not a kid anymore and neither are you my protector. I have grown up. But I am still the same friend. Nothing has changed, but then maybe everything has changed.
Dutta- I lost it, didn't I? He gave a bitter laugh and continued, "This was what I ran away from five years ago. But it has just stayed here. Grown deeper and stronger. This feeling, this ache." He thumped his chest with his fist hard.
She put her hand on his fist to stop him and rubbed that place with his fist. Nakkusha- why? Why run away?
Dutta looked down in her green eyes trying to memorize it in his heart forever and answered her. The answer made her want, to laugh and cry simultaneously. She wanted to cruse him and hug him. Dutta- it's wrong. It feels incestuous.
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Fifteen years ago: 22nd December 1994,10AM
Bishop cotton school,auditorium.
He hadn't wanted to come. He was not ready yet to answer the sympathetic questions put to him. But she might need him. She would be petrified by her stage fright. He waved at uncle aunty who were sitting almost in the front few rows with their cameras ready to click away for her album. He thought to himself, I hope she comes out to say cheese, uncle. But knowing her, I seriously doubt it.
He walked to the back of the stage where they has a store room where teachers were preparing the children. Many friends and teachers asked him about da. He wanted to run away but he answered and kept moving on, trying to spot her. She was sitting with her face buried in her furry monkey bag. He had given her that as her 8th birthday gift. She had said she was too old to carry it to school; her friends would laugh at her. He had been disappointed as it was first time he had tried to select something for her. He sat beside her. She sensed his presence and looked up to him. She was crying, her large green eyes had the lost look. Dutta- So? Nakkusha- I can't do it. I thought I could but I can't. Dutta- Of course you can. See, I'll tell you my trade secret. Whenever I am acting I think that I am practicing in my bathroom and the audience is imaginary. So I never panic in front of the crowd. Try that. She whined pitifully- at least you remember your lines. I can't even remember the opening line. I'll be disgraceful. Dutta- you can't be disgraceful even if you tried. Stupid maybe, but never disgraceful. You remember how you read my lips while making up a story to aunty for being late from playground.
Nakkusha grinned and nodded. Dutta- that's it. I'll stand in a corner with your pages and mouth the lines to you. For effect you could look at me with piercing eyes. People will think you are exceptional actor. And you'll not be afraid if you imagine that you are just with me.practicing. Nakkusha nodded and got up as her name was called to the stage. He almost ran out with her sheet and stood in a prime location where she could see him clearly.She entered the stage and looked at the audience nervously bitting her lower lip. Then she saw him and smiled. He looked down to mouth his first dialogues,when Nakkusha delivered her first lines. He looked up and watched her do her part honestly and unhesitant. Whenever she stumbled she would look at him and he would mouth silently,'go on,Naksh.' And she would manage her stumble.
She was good at it and he felt proud for her.
...................................to be continued.
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