The Second Chances upd Epilogue pg63 on 22thFeb - Page 4

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Ch2: Always Forever

Present day:11PM

Nakkusha's Home

Dutta was standing near the window and gazing at the house that once upon a time used to be home for him. How ironic he thought! He had always tried to leave mark on that house. As a kid he would leave his name on the fresh plaster of the porch during maintenance work. But today there was no trace of his childhood in that place. No trace of the family that lived and laughed there together. A new family was in residence and he could see that the kids were in the room which was his room. They were already in bed and their parents were tucking them in. It was so familiar yet so different. He was looking at the scene but his eyes were seeing another child being tucked in. Another man was answering the child's questions with patience and another woman was caressing the tumbled soft hair off his forehead, smiling with her eyes.

A knock on the door and then its slight opening brought him back to earth. Fanny- beta, I brought an extra blanket for you. This room gets freezing breeze at the dawn. She noticed what he was looking at. She stood beside him lovingly caressed his hair. Fanny- you are missing your home? Dutta- it's so strange, aunty. It's like those 25years of my life in that house never happened. As if I never existed. No trace of the people who nurtured that place. Fanny- you didn't want to leave a trace, did you? You just severed all ties with this place, this city after your mom's death. I had given up hope of ever seeing you again. 5Years, Dutta. 5Years I got up everyday thinking today I'll hear about my son. Every night, I prayed for his well-being. I didn't give birth to you, beta. Maybe you didn't feel my love as much as your mother's, but you were the only son I ever wanted. You don't know how proud we were when we read on the net that you had been awarded the PhD for your researches and have been selected as the youngest Indian scientist to Antarctica. But more than that we, your uncle and I felt at peace knowing where you were.

Dutta turned to look at the kind woman who had loved him all his life. He felt ashamed at how he had felt so selfish in his pain and hurt the only people on earth who loved him wholeheartedly. Dutta hugged her with tears in his eyes- I am sorry, aunty. I felt so lost and it was hurting even to breathe here. I never thought about you,I was so selfish. Fanny patted his head- we all cope with our grief in our way but sometimes it's better to have a person to bear it with you. You could cope with you pain alone. You were always strong that way. But my Nakkusha? She sighed. Fanny- I am so glad that you are here for her. She needs you the most. I am her mother but somehow after that first Christmas here, my daughter was taken away from me. I was no longer the safe harbor for her. It was you. I know that and I understand that. Please beta, take away her pain. I know you can do it. You have done it so many times before.

Dutta- I used to aunty. But that was a different lifetime ago. We were kids. And bandaging a bruised arm is not the same as mending a broken heart. It scars easily and like a bad wound the scar always stings a little reminding you of the heartbreak. Fanny- only a man with a broken heart can salvage pain of the other. I have faith in you. You can pull her out. She pulled his face down and kissed his forehead and turned to go. At the door she stopped and said,'Dutta, I would have been blessed if I had a son like you. Love in any form is a rarity. Don't throw it away again. You are much loved. Just try to recognize it.' Dutta looked at the door stunned trying to decipher her meaning.

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Fifteen years ago-23^rd November 1994

Bishop Cotton School,Nagpur

The preparations for the Christmas celebrations have started as the terminal exams were over. Dutta was excited. This winter he had loads of things planned for him and Nakkusha. Over the last three years they had forged a very close friendship. They had become inseparable. Nakkusha was like his shadow and he dragged her in all his mischief. Aunty Fanny lamented the loss of her angelic fairy princess-like daughter who loved pink and floss and her favorite bedtime story Cinderella. In her place, she now had to deal with a jean wearing, cap downing tomboy with a chip on her shoulder. She was like a small walking talking version of Dutta himself.

As he had promised he had fixed her Barbie by that New Year's Day. But the end product could not be classified as Barbie, as it looked more like a spoof of Ken. To fix the limbs Dutta had to rip it's dancing frock and also he had to hack it's long blonde hair to get the chewing gum of its head which gave it a rather urchin like look. He had emptied maa's nail enamel remover bottle much to her annoyance to get the permanent marker stains off its face but some traces remained giving it a stubble-like look. He had tried to fix the dress too but had soon given up after a few pricks of the needle and had with heavy heart stripped his hammerhead soldier's combats and put them on the Barbie. To say that the end product was Barbie manufacturer's nightmare, would have been the least. But Nakkusha had loved it. That had been her inspiration to change her look, too. After all, Dutta had said that he liked girls like GI Jane. Hence, the transformation! Only thing that Fanny was grateful for was, Nakkusha refused to crop her long ebony waist-length tresses, no matter how much Dutta coxed her.

Dutta had been shortlisted to play the role of scrooge for the play 'A cristmas carol'. His ability to memorize the entire play in a few days was sure to get him the lead or whichever part had the maximum dialogues. Nakkusha had never been on stage, she felt shy standing before so many people. But this year she had resolved that she will participate, so that Dutta would be proud of her. They were in middle of their first rehearsal. Just as Nakkusha was about to deliver her first ever stage dialogue for practice, the principal's head peon Manilal uncle came in the auditorium. He made his way to the teachers and whispered something looking at Dutta. The teachers frowned and called Dutta to them. Dutta heard them in silence nodded and then turned to call Nakkusha who had forgotten her cue and was messing up her lines. Dutta smiled at her stumble and knew she was itching to scream at the overbearing Rohan for trying to make her more nervous. Great, now he'll have to stop his rehearsals at home and sit with her for her lines. A real pest she was, all right! But a cute one. Not bad for a girl. She had proved a very capable trainee. She had learned the art of climbing trees fast, she had learned to cycle without touching the handle, she was getting better with the sling but she had a long way to go. Only thing was, she still lapsed into the girly habit of leaking tears when they had a fight. He then had to jump the fence and slip in her room through the window at night and apologize to her. Oh well! There was still hope in the world that she will improve and leave behind these girly wiles.

Dutta- Naksh! She came to him in a second living Rohan talking to air. Nakkusha-I'll club him with my bat. I swear I will, so help me God. Dutta- oh simmer down. You know you suck and he is doing a good job, better than you atleast. Listen. There is some sort of emergency at home. Ma called me. I think da came back from his trip to that train accident site in Bihar. But why that would be an emergency I don't know. So I won't be here to take you home on my cycle today. You take an auto. I'll tell the gatekeeper to get you one,OK. But before getting on the vehicle remember to check the licence-plate and write it down or something, OK. Nakkusha-jeez,Dutta! Would you stop acting like dad? I am not a baby.

Dutta-yeah, but you are still stupid. Do as I say or I'll beat the crap out of your sassy self. Nakkusha squint her eyes at him and twisted her face. Dutta- right! That was a very grown-up like response from you. He smiled at her irritation and went to get his bag.

All the way home Dutta whistled the old Clint Eastwood movie theme of 'yesterday'. He'll ask da to make today a movie night. He would call uncle-aunty and of course the pest over to their place once a fortnight and watch some old movie. Aunty and maa would chitchat in kitchen for most of the movie, making soda floats, shakes, popcorns etc. He liked that a lot. She would always conk off before the climax and benji uncle would pick her up and take her home in the end.

As he came near the house a sense of impending doom surrounded him. The locality was always quiet but today the silence had a screaming sound to it. He went and locked his cycle at the front porch. "ma'where are you? What was the emergency? Is da back yet?"He went inside the drawing room. It was a huge room. He and da normally used it as tennis court in rains. He lifted the curtains and the sight that met his eyes changed a part of him forever. His last thought as a little thirteen year old was,"what was the dictionary meaning of emergency? Did it cover this situation as emergency? I'll have to look that up myself. Da can't ever help me with it anymore,can he?"

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Present day:

Nakkusha slipped into his room slowly in the dark. She had hesitated before coming here for a whole hour before giving in to her temptation to hold something solid to herself. It was a day of revelation to her. She had learnt a lot of things today. She had learned that you can't plan everything in your life no matter how much you want to. Even working out the minutest details like the centerpiece of your wedding buffet did not guarantee a success.

She had learned that sometimes no matter how much time you spend with someone, you might just find out that you have been living in a bubble where he was concerned. Sometimes you fail to know yourself. She was hurt by daniel's desertion. Of course, she was hurt but after 13hrs she felt more humiliated then heartbroken. What did that say about her? She was not an egoist or shallow person. She was pragmatist and strong to the point of causing insecurity in other males but she was not conceited. So feeling rather like a fool more than a jilted left back bride, she realized that maybe she was going to make a mistake. Daniel was more like a security blanket after 5yrs of relationship. They had dated since her college and had got engaged two years ago. They had kept postponing the date as they thought they needed more time to settle down in their careers. Daniel was the adventure freak. He worked as fitness instructor at adventure sport club. He wanted to be a professional mountaineer. She had a degree of fine arts and was presently working as a lecturer in the university.

She had also realized that no matter how much you struggled to get away from it, no matter how much you thought that it was a childhood thing, the center of your world always stayed fixed at one point. And for her it had always been the man on that bed. She approached him slowly and lifted the thick blanket and slipped under it. She was aware that he was instantly awake when she had entered the room, the change in his breathing was indication enough. She lied down beside him on her side fitting her slight body spoon shaped to his hard muscular one. They lay there for a second, her back pressing to his front. She groped for his arm and slightly dragged it to her middle holding it there. There was slight hitch in his breath as his hand came in contact with the bare skin of her stomach as her t-shirt had slipped a little up exposing her belly.

Dutta- you shouldn't be here. Not like this. Nakkusha- I don't care. I need this. And it's not the first time we are sharing a bed, is it? Dutta- Nakshu, you fool. There's a huge difference. Nakkusha smiled at his use of that name for her when he was trying to coax her to see reason.She returned the favor by calling him by her special name that he always hated. Nakkusha- Tudu doll, please. Just for some time. Dutta sighed making the hair near her ears fly a little. That warm breath brought back the feeling of sunlight in winter to her. She felt safe and cherished after a long time. She snuggled to fit herself to him,"you remember the first time we slept together." Dutta gave a strangled sound, she looked at him tilting her head trying to see what was the matter. Dutta- kid, I am not really famous for my bad memory of things. I actually make my living by remembering crucial stuff at odd times. He was trying to joke around but his voice was raspy and dry, breaking at places. Nakkusha- are you Ok? Dutta groaned- never been better. I'll survive. Nakkusha- then hold me tight. Dutta sighed and tightened the hold as she covered his rough hands with hers. Nakkusha- that first time when I came to your room I was so afraid that I had lost you to that darkness. You never cried or said anything. You looked like a stone. I was beginning to be afraid of you. I would never have come but that night I had a nightmare and I knew I had to see you. I just slipped out the house in my PJs. Dutta- you were freezing like a Popsicle just like now. I had to put my feet on your cold ones to warm them up. She felt his smile disappear behind her head, then she felt his feet covering hers-warmth to her cold, fire to her ice. Dutta- that night I needed you, kiddo. More than anything I needed that light you brought into my darkness. I need you today, too. More than you need me. Nakkusha whispered- I am here, tudu. Always forever.

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Fifteen years ago-12^th December 1994

Nakkusha was worried for him. The boy she had known was gone and she was afraid to go on without him. Dutta had gone in a shell after his dad's death in November about 20days ago. Aunty grieved, she screamed, she cried,she cursed. But he just stood there looking after everything. The relatives,the rituals,the house, his mom. Everything. He spoke in halting voice. He looked with dark dry eyes. People came and put their hand on his head blessing him and lamenting the loss of such a young, honest life. He nodded and thanked them for coming. At first, dad had thought that maybe he was in denial and hadn't accepted his dad's death. He had tried to tell him that forcefully, quite harshly. Dutta had looked him in the eye and said in a calm manner,''uncle, why are you repeating yourself? I know da's dead." Dad was dumbfounded.

It went on till the thirteenth day. Sometimes at night aunty would sit up screaming loudly for SriRam. Dad and mom would hear and rush there. Dutta would be there clasped to her mother's bossom while he cried for her husband. Dutta would look at her dry eyed and say,''main hoon naa, maa. Da humein chodna to nahi chahte the." Fanny would swallow the lump in her throat and hug her friend and console her. Dutta would watch till she slept and go to his room locking the door.

Nakkusha missed SriRam uncle. He was the most handsome man she had seen, even more handsome then dad. She had once told him that she will marry him when she grew up. He had said he was already taken but when she got married he will make sure that she got a much better man. In fact he'll ask benji if he too could give her away with him as she was his little poppet too. She still found it hard to believe that he was gone. He had been killed in a small blast at the accident site which was done by the Maoists. They had upturned the train and had attacked the relief and investigating team of which he was a part. Others have been injured but he had been in the forefront of the blast and had died instantly.

That night she was feeling restless and scared she crept to her parents' room to ask them if she could sleep with them. She had been increasingly sleeping with them more since uncle's death. The dreams disturbed her. She was about to knock when she heard them discuss Dutta. Dad- fanny, I have talked to his kaka and mama both. They are making excuses saying that they can't support two more people. I explained how Shakuntala will get pension and fund money and would not depend on them financially but they still don't want to make allowances. Rats,I tell you. And you know the worst, Dutta heard it all. We didn't see him but he heard and said,benji uncle don't worry for us. We will be fine. And he walked away.

Mom -has he cried till now? It has been 25 days now. He should mourn. Dad- he did break down once he lit the pyre at the cremation ground. But after that I have not seen him cry. I am afraid he might harm himself. I think I will take him to that child- psychiatrist. He'll know about the depression and all. I can't see my best friend's son waste away like that.

Nakkusha had heard enough, she heard the word psychiatrist and thought that her Dutta had gone Looney. She went back to her room and tried to smoother her whimpers. She dreamt of Dutta being held in a room away from her. Dad was telling her that Dutta is crazy and sick. She has to stay away from him forever. She got up with a start. She had to see him now. She wiped the tears off her cheeks and slipped out of the window. She crossed the fence and stood near his window. He was asleep with his back to her. She tried the window and luckily it was unlocked. She crept in the room and quietly laid down beside him at edge without touching him. He suddenly opened his eyes and looked at her. They laid like that for some time. He noticed her shivering. Wordlessly he raised his blanket a little and she wriggled under it turning so that she was on her other side with her back pressed to his front. He covered them with the blanket and covered her little freezing feet with his warm ones. They stayed like that. Suddenly Nakkusha felt his hand on her stomach. He dragged her close to him and buried his face in her hair and cried. Soundless,wrecking sobs. That shook them both. She held his arm tight and let him cry holding her like a rag doll. How long he cried like that she did not know but she felt it was a good sign. Maybe now dad won't take him to that shrink. Dutta had cried. Dutta-Nakshu,I can't be weak now. Ma needs me to be the man of the house now. I have to stay strong. Nakkusha- then stay strong for her. But please be my Dutta for me. Dutta- I can't be that anymore, kiddo. Everything has changed so much. I don't feel the same anymore. I won't be able to play with you anymore.I have to grow up. Nakkusha- I don't want you to be my friend to play with me. She could not see his face but could feel the question in his eyes. How, she didn't know. Nakkusha-I want to be your friend so that when you need me I can be there. Dutta- promise you'll always be there. Nakkusha felt so strong then, as if she held the key to world's happiness. Nakkusha smiled contentedly closing her eyes- I promise to be there. Always forever.

'''''''''''To be continued.😊