Posted:
This has been in the works since mid/late March, so it's like three-four tracks behind. Oops! Enjoy what might have been?
Unending thanks to Rani for hand-holding and philosophical feedback, and shout out to Tia for putting me in this frame of mind when we were working on Bandh Kamre Relations. Sugar cookies to SWMNBN...though I don't even know if you like them 😛
Thank you to everyone who takes the time to read, and double thank you to everyone who comments 😊
Reset
an AbhiGya OS by -mina-
It had only been a day since they returned home after the kidnapping, but Abhi was already missing life in the jungle.
At least there he'd had time and space to just breathe.
Ever since he got back, people had been crowding him and asking him questions and trying to take care of him. If it wasn't Daadi pinching his cheeks to see how much weight he'd lost, it was Purab talking his ear off about how he should get a security team. Or it was Aakash wanting to tell him about the new endorsements coming in, or Mithali Bhabhi with some nonsensical home remedy for chest wounds. Or worst of all, Tanu with her excessive tears and too-tight hugs and overwhelming perfume.
The only person who gave him space was Fuggy, which he was glad about, because he had no idea how to behave with her anymore.
What she'd said at the lake hadn't actually surprised him. He already knew that she loved him. Ever since he'd gone to jail for her mother's hall, Fuggy had become more tolerant and forgiving of his every slight. She met mockery with sweetness, contempt with understanding, and impatience with a serenity bordering on sainthood.
She'd even been willing to leave him - for his own good, not hers. It didn't take a genius to figure out that the woman was far more attached to him than she should be.
What he hadn't known was that she...wanted him.
When he'd walked in on her clutching his shirt, daydreaming with that faraway look on her face...he hadn't wanted to believe it meant what it looked like. But then her cheeks had crimsoned with embarrassment when she saw him, and she wouldn't look into his eyes.
That was when he realized, Fuggy actually desired him. As a man, not just as her husband.
And from the way she tried to hide the fact that she'd been fantasizing, Abhi knew that Fuggy was never going to just come out and tell him that she wanted more from him. She was never going to make a move on her own, despite his jokes about her endangering his virtue.
She was never going to make it a problem for him.
And yet it already was.
Because what was he supposed to do now?
He couldn't imagine his life without Fuggy anymore. At least to himself he could be honest - he too had somehow grown more attached to her than he should have done. The thought of losing her - for any reason - was more than he could bear.
She was Fuggy, and she was meant to be at his side, simple as that.
But it was also true that she was never supposed to have been at his side at all. Their whole marriage was a mistake, a plan gone wrong from day one. How could he commit to a woman he'd never meant to choose in the first place?
She wasn't supposed to be his wife.
He'd never even wanted to have a wife.
And now to have one, who wanted him, but he wasn't sure how much he wanted her in return...Truth be told, it made him mad at Fuggy. She wasn't supposed to fall in love with him, and she wasn't supposed to make him get attached to her. Why did she have to...be herself and ruin everything?
And then of course there was the problem of Tanu.
Actually, Fuggy's words in the jungle had clarified the matter for him. Before her confession he'd been thinking that there might still be a way for him and Tanu to have a future together. But now that he knew exactly how Fuggy saw him, and now that he couldn't see a life without Fuggy in it, it was clear to him that there was no room for Tanu in his life anymore.
He knew he'd come to the right conclusion when his first reaction was not regret for having to disappoint Tanu, but relief that he'd no longer have the headache of dealing with two women in his life.
He wanted to tell Tanu that things were over between them, but there just hadn't been a chance yet. So she kept hanging around the house, kept trying to be alone with him, kept throwing herself at him and making him look bad in front of Fuggy and the rest of the family.
Obviously he had to find a way to end that relation before settling things with Fuggy.
But that still left Abhi in a dilemma about how to interact with Fuggy in the meantime. He just felt so awkward, knowing that she had such deep feelings for him, but he couldn't say he had the same feelings for her. On top of that, knowing that she wanted physical attention from him made it impossible for him to just be neutral around her.
Until he could face her with a clear conscience, he felt like he couldn't face her at all. But it felt stupid to act like a thief in his own house, hiding from her and playing cat and mouse games of avoidance.
And also, there was this small problem at the back of his mind...he realized that he could be attracted to Fuggy. Maybe, just a little. Or a lot.
That stupid red sari...he'd been in no condition to do anything about it but...it had definitely inspired some dangerous thoughts.
It showed more of her than he'd ever gotten to see before, even though she was technically fully dressed while wearing it. The curve of her waist, the smooth skin of her bare back, the confusingly long lines of her petite body...he couldn't un-see any of it.
She was back in her chatris now. But that didn't help, because he knew what they were hiding.
And he couldn't let himself have such thoughts. Fuggy was not the kind of girl you could go to just for...physical fun. If he wanted that with her, he'd have to have the rest with her too. Really accept her as his wife, for now and for always.
And he just...wasn't ready for that.
And he wasn't free of Tanu yet anyway.
So all he could do was avoid. Avoid the question, avoid the answer, and avoid Fuggy.
So in a way it was good that his house was full of people who wouldn't leave him alone.
And yet, he did still wish he could be back in the jungle, where life had been so much simpler.
***
Pragya had been regretting her impulsive confession almost since she made it.
In the first few moments after, she'd felt so relieved and liberated, finally having gotten a huge burden off her chest. She'd been proud of herself, and she'd been delusionally hopeful. She'd allowed herself to drift into a perfect fantasy of how things could be...only to have that bubble popped by the reality of her stunned, silent husband catching her in the middle of her daydream...and then not saying anything to her for the next two days.
Well, technically he'd spoken to her when they thought they needed to hide from attackers knocking at the hut door. And technically, they'd both had a conversation with the whole family when they first walked into the house. And technically, he had addressed a comment or two to her in the time since they returned home.
But only when there were other people around. Only about trivial things.
And he was only calling her Pragya. Not "Fuggy" or "Chashmish."
And that was a definite sign that she'd done something wrong.
She'd gone and told him all those unnecessary things. And it had changed their dynamic.
And now he wasn't talking to her at all.
Which could only mean that he didn't have anything positive to say.
She should have realized that this would happen. She'd told him that she had no expectations. She'd known that he considered Tanu the love of his life.
So she really shouldn't have been so stupid as to dump her feelings onto him. Of course he was never going to reciprocate, and now...now he wasn't even going to be himself around her.
And she hated it.
She didn't know how to make things normal between them, how to take back her destructive confession.
So she did her best to avoid him, though it wasn't easy with Daadi and the Daasis constantly hinting that she shouldn't leave his side when he was still recovering from the gunshot.
Funnily enough, Tanu and Aaliya actually helped her, though inadvertently. When they stole Abhi away, Pragya at least had the relief of not facing him.
The tradeoff was that she had the anguish of wondering - or worse, seeing - what he was doing with Tanu.
She had survived kidnapping, but it had almost killed her to see how Tanu draped herself all over Abhi on the night of their return.
The model had hugged him and held him and babbled about her love for him, and the rockstar...hadn't stopped her. Had just stood there like a puppet and let the witch have her way with him. Had spared his wife one long, unreadable glance, and just watched as she walked away.
And no doubt as soon as she was out of sight, Tanu had starting kissing Abhi too, and nevermind that Aaliya was right there.
And...and he had probably kissed her back, because what else would a man do after a week without his girlfriend?
Yes, that scene on their first night back made one fact very clear to Pragya. Abhi might be grateful that she saved his life, and his sense of duty might make him keep playing husband and son-in-law for her family's benefit. But he would never want from her what he already had with Tanu. He would never see her as a woman, and he would never want her as his woman.
She just didn't compare to Tanu, simple as that.
And...even though she was relieved to be home safe...even though she was glad to be surrounded by her loving family...even though she was beyond thankful that he had put himself in so much danger to save her...that one fact made her just depressed and frustrated enough to wish that she was back in the jungle. Back in the hut by the lake, with no one and nothing between her and her husband.
Back to being able to pretend that there could maybe be something real between them.
But it was no new thing for Pragya to want what she could not have. So she told herself that this was just another situation where she had to accept things as they were and live through the unfulfilled yearning. It would pass, eventually. It had to.
And in the mean time, she wouldn't put any pressure on Abhi. She didn't need to hear his answer. She didn't need follow-up for the confession she'd made on one ill-starred impulse.
The tiny voice of good sense in her head told her that avoiding him achieved nothing. It would be better if she calmly went to discuss the future with him. Ask him how long he wanted to continue their natak, and assure him not to take what she'd said at the lake as any kind of obligation.
But there just hadn't been time. They'd only been back a day and already they had to face the police, and now his sponsors wanted to throw them a party. Add all their interfering relatives to the mix and it was a miracle that there was even time to breathe.
And, of course, seeing how incredibly happy their elders were to have them back made it hard to imagine disappointing them. Daadi was so thrilled, and Maa suddenly had more energy than she'd had in a decade. It was impossible to think of admitting to them that this marriage would have to come to an end.
The pure heroics of Abhi going off to rescue her and her returning the favour by nursing him back from the brink of death would make anyone believe that they were meant to be together.
And another little voice in her mind urged her to remember that Abhi had had several occasions to send her out of his life - but he'd kept her by his side instead, time after time. Did that mean anything? She didn't know, but surely it couldn't mean nothing?
With all this whirling in her mind, the only thing that made sense to Pragya was just to let things unfold on their own. She couldn't decide what to do, so she'd just let life happen and trust herself to deal with whatever came next.
And in the mean time...she had to keep dodging Abhi. Because she couldn't be alone with him anymore, not when she knew she'd ruined things between them. And she couldn't face him, because there was nothing left for her to say.
***
The "Welcome Back" party thrown by Abhi's producers lasted until almost two in the morning. Pragya had tried to leave at 11 with Taiji and Swarni Daasi, but Daadi had insisted that she needed to stay until Abhi was ready to leave. Ultimately it turned out that the rest of the family stayed until the end of the party, and Daadi invited Pragya's family to come home with them for the night.
As they walked into the mansion, Pragya was thinking ahead to how she would instruct Robin to set up the guest rooms. She realized with a pang that she would have to go back to Abhi's bedroom for the night, since all the other rooms would be taken. Unless maybe she could convince Bulbul that they should stay up all night chatting in her room? But no, Bulbul would ask annoying questions - she'd managed to evade the inquisition at the party, but if Bulbul got her alone there would be no escaping.
Then Pragya thought that maybe she could say she wanted to sleep beside her Maa, for emotional comfort after her kidnapping ordeal. Even Daadi wouldn't object to that.
But before she could speak up about this plan, Indu Daasi started herding her towards Abhi.
"Beta, I know you're going to say you are tired, but I also know that the night is young! So why don't you and Abhi go and get started on what we talked about earlier, hmm?" Indu Daasi teased as she pulled Pragya to stand beside Abhi.
Pragya felt her face burning with a blush of embarrassment, and she stared at the floor so that she wouldn't have to look at Abhi. Pragya loved Indu Daasi but when she made comments like this...
"Indu!" Daadi scolded, but she was laughing so it was obvious the reprimand wasn't serious. "Don't bother my children. I know they'll give us good news when it's time."
"But sometimes they need a hint. And maybe a drop of cough syrup, what do you say Abhi beta?" Pragya's Daadi lifted her purse and winked at Abhi.
Pragya was too busy wanting to melt into the floor to notice if or how Abhi responded.
"Beeji!" Sarla gasped.
But in the next moment, everyone was laughing again.
Everyone except Pragya and Abhi.
"Arre, are you two still standing here!" Indu Daasi said, clucking her tongue. "Go now, and don't forget to close your door."
The family fell into another round of laughter, and Pragya decided that she couldn't take anymore. She started to head up the stairs. When Abhi followed immediately after her, she didn't even try to avoid him.
They walked to their room in silence. Pragya entered first, and made her way to the closet in distracted agitation. Then she realized that Abhi would need much less time to change, so he should get the closet first. She turned to head for the vanity - and bumped into Abhi.
"Easy, Fuggy," Abhi said, catching her by the shoulders to steady her.
Pragya's head snapped up in amazement. The surprise of him calling her Fuggy kept her silent, but she couldn't help staring at him, wondering what was going through his mind.
But he did not meet her gaze. Instead, he frowned and slowly slid his hands from her shoulders to her elbows, his eyes locked on...her chest?
Pragya felt her pulse jump at the idea that he might be...might be...But no, the idea was absurd. Abhi and ogling her? Not in this lifetime.
"Where did you get this stupid sari?" he demanded gruffly.
Instantly irritated by his tone, Pragya snapped back, "Excuse me? How can a sari be stupid? What's wrong with it?"
"It's completely see through, that's what's wrong with it." He turned her around suddenly, his hand firm on her waist.
He lifted her hair over one shoulder and started to trace along the edge of her blouse. "And this blouse is missing the back entirely. It's a good thing you didn't have your hair up, or I'd have had to follow you around all night like that other time."
His fingertip was barely making contact with her skin, and yet Pragya still found that his touch made her shiver. What on Earth was he doing? He'd avoided her all day, ignored her all night, and now -
She almost jumped as she felt his lips on her back, softly pressing a kiss just below her neck. His hand on her waist slid forward, his warm palm branding her bare stomach.
For one exquisite moment, he held her in what was undeniably a lover's embrace.
"Go take this off before I start something we can't finish," he whispered, his mouth just brushing against her ear. Then he let her go and stepped away.
She stood frozen in shock. He'd made chaos of her mind and a riot of her hormones. For a moment she felt like she couldn't see anything but blinding lights in front of her. When her thoughts settled enough that her vision cleared, she turned to face him .
***
Abhi had not meant to react to her daring sari, even though it had been tormenting him all evening. He'd definitely not meant to kiss her back or caress her stomach. But once he had his hands on her, in the privacy of their room, at the end of a long and draining night capping an even longer and more exhausting week...all his better intentions had flown away, leaving only pure instinct in their place.
And instinct had definite ideas about what he should be doing now that he was alone with his wife. His wife who loved him. His wife who wanted him. His wife who had worn a transparent sari to a public party - without any hesitation or warning.
Luckily a twinge of pain near his ribcage summoned back some of his rational thought and better intentions, and he was able to step away without making any direct attack on her wicked blouse.
He grabbed a tshirt and sleep pants from his cupboard, ignoring a stock-still Fuggy as he passed by her. He figured she would eventually make it to the closet to do as he had told her, so in the meantime he would just change there in the room. He tugged off his tie and tossed his blazer to the bed, and he was just starting on his shirt when Fuggy suddenly came up to him and batted away his hands.
"Arre, what are you doing!" She took over the task of undoing his buttons, focusing intently on her busy hands instead of looking at him as she continued her protest. "You're not supposed to stress that zone with reaching and stretching. I'm right here, you should have asked me."
"I can take off my own shirt," Abhi replied, more for form's sake than because he actually cared. He was trying not to notice the way her loose hair brushed against his arm. With her this close to him, instinct was likely to overpower intention again, and he had to be on guard against that.
When she was finished unbuttoning, she eased the shirt off his shoulders and leaned back to grab his tshirt from the bed - without dropping the dress shirt she'd just taken off him.
Abhi couldn't resist the opening. He started to tease, "What's this Fuggy, creating bahana (excuses) to make love to my shirts? Tumhe sharaam nahin aati, aise - (Don't you feel ashamed to -) " but he broke off as an oddly mournful look crossed her face. "What?"
"Nothing. Sit down and put out your arms so I can put this on you," she said briskly, and then she avoided answering him until the sleep tshirt was over his head.
Then she stepped back and started to walk away. Instinct and intention both told him not to miss the moment, so he promptly grabbed her arm and pulled her onto his lap.
"Arre, be careful!" She pulled back as much as he would let her, carefully sliding away from his torso. "I could've hurt you, you shouldn't have tugged me like that!"
"You, and hurt me? Not in this lifetime."
Her eyes widened, and he couldn't understand why she would respond that way to the joke.
But having her in his arms was bringing up conflict between intention and instinct once more, and before he could get too distracted, he started speaking. "Listen, Fuggy. We have to talk."
She fidgeted in his lap and looked away from him. "No we don't. I have to change, and you have to put on your joggers, and -"
He gently took hold of her chin and made her face him again. "And we can do all that later. But I'm sick of avoiding this conversation, so we're going to have it now."
She pushed his hand away, looking down instead of meeting his eyes. "But...at least let me off your lap -"
He shook his head. "No. I like you here."
"But -"
He let his hand drift up her back and tangle into her hair. "You're so confusing to be around. All night I didn't want to see you, and now that you're in front of me, all I want to see is you."
She frowned, glancing at his lips as she said, "You - you had whisky at the party, right? You don't sound like yourself."
Abhi rolled his eyes. "I'm not drunk."
Fuggy raised an eyebrow skeptically. "Right - but -"
Without consciously deciding to, Abhi started to speak from his heart. "I think of life without you, and it makes me go cold. But I think of life with you, and it...scares me."
He watched her eyes widen, and even to himself he couldn't believe that he'd just...said that.
But it needed to be said, and now...now it was just a matter of waiting for her response.
After a moment to absorb his statement, she asked softly, "Scares you?"
Abhi tightened his hand on her waist. He looked into her eyes. "You...at the lake that day, Fuggy, what you said -"
She shook her head quickly, breaking their gaze. "Forget about that! Forget that, it's not important, it's meaningless, I don't want you to -"
He noticed that she was flushed and nervous, and he knew that she wanted to divert the topic. But he wanted her to hear everything he had to say, so he continued, "I don't know if I can love you back, Fuggy. I don't know if I have it in me. But I can't let you go."
She met his eyes again, and he was fascinated to read the cautious hope there. He'd always wondered about the magic of her gaze, but he realized then that the magic wasn't in her eyes.
It was in her giving, feeling heart, that made her pour the whole of herself into every relationship. It was in her positivity and optimism, and her maddening habit of always seeing the best in people. It was in her conscientiousness and her affection, in her quiet smiles and her fierce speeches.
It was from the very essence of her, and it lit her from within.
The light shone as magic from her eyes, but her true power was her capacity to love.
The realization triggered an intense craving. She loved so fully and freely, and expected so little in return. His nature was exactly the opposite, and he was suddenly sure that he could not do without the sense of balance she gave him. He wanted to be more like her...at least, he wanted to be that way for her.
Finally she responded to his declaration. "...Why?"
"Why what?" He couldn't even remember the question.
She set a gentle palm on his chest. She looked down and watched her hand slide slowly from just above his heart to just above his wound, and back again. "Why can't you...let me go?"
He tipped her chin up, making her meet his eyes again. "Because...I need you. Mujhe tumhari aadat par gayi. Fuggy, I think I might be addicted to you." He grinned then, both to soften his words and because he felt self-conscious for admitting how much he needed her.
She misunderstood the grin, apparently thinking he was teasing her. Her face scrunched into a frown and her hand dropped from his chest. "What! Will you be serious?"
He felt a mad impulse to lift her hands and kiss them, but he told himself he wasn't such a romantic fool. Instead, he cupped her jaw, stroking his thumb against the smooth curve of her lips. "I am serious. I need you around me. The thought of waking up without you, of not seeing you every day, of not coming home to you...I can't bear it, Fuggy. I don't know how it happened but you're just so much a part of my life. And you make my life better."
She caught his wrist, her small hand not quite able to close all the way around it. The hope in her eyes had turned to something darker and more troubled, and he didn't like the slight tremble in her voice as she said, "Do I?"
"Yes." His wandering thumb swept across her cheek, and he tilted her face closer to his own.
She was still looking apprehensive. "Because I keep your stuff neat and make your coffee and take care of your family -"
"No. I mean, yes, but it's more than that. You...give me strength to smile. You give me peace of mind. You...you make me feel safe, somehow."
"Safe?"
How to explain what he wasn't sure he even understood? Already he'd revealed more to her than he'd ever planned. He didn't talk about emotions like this, he wasn't the kind of man who wasted time trying to sort out his own feelings. He just lived, and dealt with things as they came.
But with her...with her, and for her, it had to be different. He'd never needed someone the way he needed her. It did make him uneasy to realize how much power he was giving her by telling her so much...but that was nothing to the bone-deep fear he felt when he thought of losing her. Whatever else happened between them, he had to make sure she understood what she meant to him.
So he thought back to the mad days they'd just spent together, running for their lives and relying entirely on each other to get through each hour. Somehow, even their most desperate moments under that wretched corporator's threats hadn't actually been as bad as those few days when he'd had no idea where she was or what had happened to her. When she'd been there, with him, he had no doubt that they could take on the world and win.
When they'd been apart, he almost couldn't believe the sun could rise and the Earth could keep spinning when she wasn't by his side.
Finally, he offered, "It's like...you're my anchor. You keep me steady. If I have you to count on, you to turn to...I'm not alone. Does that make sense?"
***
I'm his...anchor?
Pragya had the odd sensation of suddenly seeing the world with double-vision. In one view, she completely understood what he meant, because on some deep level she felt that way too. Being with him, knowing he was a part of her life, gave her a sense of steadiness and balance, of things being right with the world. Even though she was always distantly aware that someday their natak might end. Even though she knew he'd never accepted her as his wife and might eventually want her out of his life.
These past months, they'd developed an odd sort of harmony, and an unspoken habit of counting on each other. So if he felt she was his anchor, that was only fair. Because she felt he was her pillar of strength.
But then...at the same time, in another perspective, it felt like utter madness to believe she could be of any value to him at all. Wasn't he always telling her and showing her that she could never be his real match, never truly belong to his world, never understand his values and priorities?
Though he'd asked for her understanding, she couldn't help expressing her doubts. "But I...but you can't stand me, naa? I'm boring and I talk too much and -"
He laughed lightly, shaking his head and settling for a rueful smile. "And I'm an idiot for making fun of you all these months. But, Fuggy, it's not that I dislike all the things I tease you for. They make you you. And I want you just as you are."
One of his hands trailed down the back of her neck and further, tracing loose swirls against her skin. She felt hyper-aware of his fingertips following the scooped edge of her blouse. It took an effort to think of how to respond to his statement, and then even as she asked her question she flushed, knowing that his touch was already telling her the answer.
"You want me...in what way?"
His eyes were intense and warm and for once she couldn't see even the tiniest spark of mockery in them. "In every way."
She had to look away from him then, casting her gaze wildly around the room as she tried to hold onto her last scraps of sense. She caught sight of the huge framed portrait of Abhi posing for his last album promo, complete with bandana and over-long hair. It served as a much-needed reminder of the man he'd used to be, or at least the man she'd once thought he was.
And that reminded her of someone else, too.
With his arms around her warming her body and his declaration of desire warming her heart, the topic of his girlfriend was the last thing Pragya wanted to raise. But she knew there could be no future for them without answering the question.
So she forced herself to choke out, "But - but what about Tanu?"
He went still, and Pragya felt felt her heart sink. What could that tension mean, but that he'd momentarily forgotten that he wasn't free to want her?
She found herself biting her tongue, a too-late reflex to hold back the question. But at the same time, she was glad she'd brought it up. What good would it do to weave dreams of a life together when he was already committed to someone else? Now that she'd reminded him, he's surely let her go, and -
"That's over. I think it's been over for a long time. I haven't been able to tell her, but -"
"What?"
She couldn't let herself believe what she had just heard. It was so at odds from her understanding of reality that it just couldn't possibly be true.
It's over? How could he say that so easily?
He tipped up her chin, and when she met his eyes, he continued, "I'm done with her, Fuggy. My relationship with Tanu hasn't been a relationship in a very long time. We were both clinging to something that used to make sense, but now...now it's not worth it for either of us, I think."
Pragya thought back to the arguments she had had with Tanu over the last months. She remembered how confident the supermodel had been of Abhi's love, how insistent the other woman had always been that Abhi would come back to her. "She won't accept that. She - she's given years of her life to you, she won't -"
Abhi gave a sort of helpless shrug. "We don't suit, Fuggy. Tanu and I...we don't work, the way you and I do. Humari soch nahin milti. (We don't think alike)."
Pragya could not believe it was as simple as that. She protested, "Aise kaise? Woh aapke duniya se belong karte hain, woh aapko bachpan se -" (How can that be? She belongs to your world, since childhood she has -)
Abhi sighed heavily and ran a restless hand over his face. "How do I explain this? She just doesn't understand the important things." His hand returned to settle on her waist, and the heat of it there made it hard for Pragya to follow his next words.
"All these years, I thought we were well matched because we both have so much ambition and we were both focused on money. But these last months, I've seen that she just doesn't think the same way I do. About family and commitments and doing what's right instead of what's comfortable." His fingers spread out flat against her midriff, and she could feel one just brushing against the underside of her breast.
Pragya wanted nothing more than to lose herself in the new sensations of Abhi's touch, but something in her was still guarded. Until she could believe that Abhi was really done with Tanu, she couldn't risk giving into these feelings, no matter how overwhelming they got.
Abhi continued, "We don't have the same goals anymore. I care deeply for her but...I'm not the one to make her happy for the rest of her life." He paused and then made a point of meeting Pragya eyes. "And she's not the one to make me happy."
His words were like the key to the locked part of her heart. She felt suddenly like everything in her life was finally sliding into place. "And - and you think I am?"
His face broke into a teasing grin. "Well. As happy as I can be with an ek number ki Fuggy."
Pragya huffed petulantly. "There - there you go again! How am I supposed to take you seriously if you make jokes at a time like this?"
Abhi raised his eyebrows and tilted his head to one side, making his best joker face. "You know me naa? I'm constitutionally unable to to stay serious for more than two minutes at a time."
Pragya shook her head, agitated by him purposely playing the fool when she knew he was anything but. "That's not true. You were serious a lot of the time that corporator had us."
His hand tightened on her waist. "Well, mortal peril is an exceptional circumstance."
A beat of silence passed as they looked into each other's eyes, bonded by the reminder of what they had survived together.
Then Abhi tilted his head again and surveyed her skeptically. "You didn't ask me why I can't love you."
Pragya lifted her hand to stroke along his jaw, wanting him to feel her reassurance as she spoke it. "You never said that."
A stubborn look started to stiffen Abhi's features. "I did. I said -"
Pragya smiled at his obstinacy. "You said you don't know if you can love me. But I know you can."
He looked surprised, his eyes widening at her words. "You do?"
Pragya dropped her hand to his shoulder and let her fingers drum lightly there. "Well, I don't know if you can love me. But I know you can love. You're the most loving person I know."
Abhi shook his head firmly. His voice was fierce as he said, "You don't understand. I don't - I don't believe in love. I believe in family, and responsibility, and doing unto others as they do to me. But I don't - I can't - the way you gave me your heart that day, Fuggy, I don't think I can do that. I can't say -"
Pragya flattened her palm on his shoulder and squeezed it comfortingly. "You don't have to. It doesn't matter if you never say the words. That's not the point -"
Abhi's face was drawn into a dark frown. "That's what you think now. What if three years from now I still can't say I love you back? What if we give Daadi the good news she's hounding us for and even that doesn't make a difference? What if -"
She put a finger to his lips and slowly shook her head. "We don't live in what ifs."
Abhi just looked at her, helpless in his conviction that he couldn't be what she needed. "I just - I don't know if I can make you happy, Fuggy. I don't have anything to give you. I don't know if I can ever love you the way you say you love me. But...I care about you. I need you. I want you. And I want to keep you with me even if I can't give you my heart like you gave me yours. Isn't that selfish? I'm just that selfish." His arm around her nudged her closer to him, so that there was hardly any space left between their faces.
Pragya smiled shyly and looked down at where he'd tangled their hands together in her lap. She said coyly, "You're insulting my husband. I don't like it when anyone does that, not even you."
Abhi was apparently not in the mood to be amused. "It's a statement of fact. Don't make me into some perfect demigod -"
At this, Pragya burst into a laugh. Feeling finally free to make her claim, she looped her arms around his neck and met his gaze. "You, and perfect? No, I know you're not. But...perfect is overrated. I love you, even the selfish, stupid, irritating -"
Abhi started to smirk. His hand slid around to the small of her back and he jerked her slightly forward. "Excuse me? I believe someone is insulting your husband -"
A sweet adrenaline was energizing Pragya's veins but she pushed on with her sentence. " - Even all those sides of you. Because the bad comes with the good, and I couldn't really love you if I couldn't see your weaknesses."
Abhi's brow wrinkled, and his tentative smile faded again. "But I don't understand. If you know my weaknesses, how can you still love me? You've seen the worst of me -"
"And the best of you." Pragya poked his chest playfully. "I told you, the bad comes with the good."
She could feel the tension in Abhi's body, doubt and self-blame still holding him captive. "But does that make up for it? Just because I do good things sometimes, it doesn't mean I'm a good person -"
Pragya took hold of his face in both hands, wanting to pull him out of his angst. "And what, doing bad things sometimes makes you a bad person?"
"Well -"
"Where did you get this idea that everyone is either a sinner or a saint? We're all just human. Sometimes we make wrong choices. But that doesn't make us - unworthy of love."
Abhi leaned forward to set his forehead to hers. "Doesn't it?" She could feel his breath against her lips, close enough to kiss.
But the moment wasn't right yet. "No, buddhu ram!" she teased in soft voice. Then she pulled back and asked him seriously, "Tell me one thing, what does love mean?"
Abhi gave her an exasperated look. "I told you Fuggy, I don't believe in it. I don't think it's real -"
Pragya gripped the neckline of his shirt and made sure she had his attention. "It's what I told you at the lake." She met his eyes and spoke from the depths of her heart, willing him to hear the truth that would bind them together if only he let it. "It's when another person's sorrow hurts you, and their joy makes you happy. It's when you'd put up with a thousand wounds to spare someone else the pain."
The memory of him taking a bullet for her played in her mind, followed by flashes of those desperate moments when she'd begged the universe to make him better and take her in his place.
Then she thought of all the times she had surprised herself with how much his opinion mattered to her, and how much it had hurt when he'd seemed to read her wrong. She continued, " It's when you don't care if the whole world misunderstands you, as long as that one person is on your side. It's when their smile brightens your day, and their touch warms your heart, and no matter what stupid, hurtful thing they do, you can't imagine life without them."
Their eyes locked then, and the moment of connection felt like it should last forever. She could see that she'd finally got through to him, and she felt she could almost taste her triumph.
"That's what it means?" Abhi asked in a soft voice, seeking confirmation rather than expressing doubt.
"What else would it mean?"
Abhi began idly stroking his hand down her arm. "I don't know. I always thought it was some nonsense about finding the perfect person who can make you happy all the time."
Pragya let her own hand drift down his chest and along his side. "No one can do that. And anyway, it's impossible to be happy all the time."
Abhi cupped the back of her head, tilting her back. "So do you think you could be happy with me? Enough of the time?"
Pragya smiled, feeling her muscles loosen as the last of her tension faded. "Yes."
Abhi's grin was brighter than the sun. "Then...I guess it's a good thing you're married to me."
At that, Pragya hugged him tight, pressing her face to his neck as elation overcame her. Abhi hugged her back, his arms locking around her as though he meant to never let her go.
Eventually Pragya felt Abhi tracing the edge of her blouse again, his fingers dipping beneath the fabric to tease her bare skin.
A new awareness trilled along her nerves, but before she could pull away in shyness, Abhi murmured against her ear, "You know, I can't decide if I love this blouse or hate it."
"What?" Pragya asked, confused that he would have strong feelings about her clothes.
"It's like the showroom is half open. So I'm curious to see the other half. But I don't want anyone else thinking that." His voice dropped in pitch on the last sentence, and she could hear a fierce edge that made her feel strangely pleased.
"Anyone else?" she prompted, wanting to hear more of that edge.
But Abhi being Abhi, his answer took a different turn. "Men have eyes. And some women too, I guess. You know that Meethu? She probably loved your blouse too."
Perplexed, Pragya finally straightened in his lap and looked at him. "Yes, she said -" She broke off as his lifted eyebrow helped her take his meaning. "Oh my God!" she gasped in surprise. "You mean - no! But she's obsessed with you!"
Abhi smiled innocently. He started to play with the tassels at the ends of her doris. "She has wide ranging tastes."
Pragya was still trying to process the implication and didn't feel the slight tug at her doris. "So you're saying she would want to - want to -"
Abhi gave her a naughty wink. "I'm just saying if we invited her to join us someday she'd probably say yes."
Pragya set her hands on his shoulders, seeking steadiness as her mind continued to whirl with the idea that Meethu could be attracted to her. "And not - not just because she wants you?"
"Exactly."
"Oh my god," Pragya said again, at a loss for how else to react. She buried her face against his neck again, her cheeks burning as she came to grips with the idea.
Abhi laughed and stroked her hair to reassure her. "Don't worry, I wouldn't let her. I'm not really into that."
His fingers were still frisking along her back, and Pragya finally realized what he was up to. For one wild moment she wondered if maybe it was his way of inviting her to take that final step forward in their marriage - but then she remembered his gunshot wound.
Deciding that he shouldn't be the only one who got to play games, she twisted half-way to turn her back to him. "Actually, could you get the hooks too?" she asked, doing her best to sound sweet and innocent when she felt anything but.
Abhi's hand automatically pulled at the dori he'd been playing with, and it came unknotted. But then his hands hovered hesitantly in the air, and he didn't move onto the hooks.
Pragya looked over her shoulder. "Please, naa? It's hard for me to reach."
"You're not the one who can't stretch that zone," Abhi protested sardonically, not willing to be played.
Pragya pouted. "I'm asking for such a small thing..."
"Yes, this blouse is too small," Abhi said gravely. "And if I undo both hooks and dori, won't the whole thing just fall off? Naughty Fuggy..."
"Uff! No, the sleeves will keep it up. Don't you know anything about blouses?" Pragya demanded, annoyed that he was being difficult when she was trying to flirt.
"No, not really," Abhi admitted cheerfully. "I don't wear them."
Pragya twisted back to face him. "But you take them off," she said archly.
Abhi beamed. "Just off you. And that too, not yet."
"Not yet?"
"I told you before, I'm not going to start what I can't finish. You're on your own with the hooks until this stupid gunshot heals."
"And...and what then?"
"And then...I'll help you with the hooks. And everything else."
Pragya felt like she was blushing from head to toe. The promise in his words soothed an ache she'd never let herself acknowledge having. She felt fully at peace, but then her blood was also buzzing with a need that had nothing to do with peace.
She swallowed hard and said, "Accha. So that's how it's going to be."
Abhi finally dropped his arms from her, leaning back on the bed. "Yes, madam. So take your blouse and yourself to the closet, and don't come back until you're decent in a chatri."
Pragya stood up and made a show of shaking out the wrinkles of her sari, bending forward to give him a teasing view of the showroom he'd almost opened. When she straightened she was pleased to see that he was looking as flushed as she felt.
"Not nice, Fuggy," Abhi growled. "Taunting a sick man."
Pragya laughed and finally headed to the closet. To think that just this morning she'd been sad that she wasn't his type, and now he was saying things like that...
The risk she'd taken had been worth it, after all. He had needed a few days - and a daring blouse - to come around, but now he finally had, and everything was finally right between them.
Life outside the jungle was looking better and better every moment.
~the end~
Thank you for reading.
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Links to my other stories can be found at my KKB Fic Index.
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