Chapter 4:
Nidhi: If you wanted to accept Dr. Mallika and marry her, why did you make her wait for so long?
Ashutosh: (Ruefully) I wanted? Do you know what I wanted? I never wanted to hve to anything with relations, since Baba left me! Look at the way destiny played its games with me. I never believed in love, yet I feel in love with you. I never wanted to marry, but almost immediately after I pushed you I had to marry Mallika!
Nidhi just gives him a questioning glance.
Ashutosh: (With a sigh) Nidhi I think I told you once or twice the Baba has been the most important person in my life.
She nods in confusion. Ashutosh takes a deep breathe.
Nidhi: Your Baba? I don't understand..
Ashutosh: (In a voice that radiated gratitude) I found him Nidhi, he is back into my life. You know what that means to me, right?
Nidhi: (Forgetting her resentment and the sense of betrayal she had been feeling, with a surprised smile) Oh.. of course.. I am so happy to hear that.. (Still coming to terms with it)
Ashutosh: Actually Mallika found him, and brought him back. He was in a bad state of health initially. Restoring him back to health was a challenge. (In a voice that reflects pain) He had apparently been in some municipality run old-age, where his health had been totally neglected. We had to take care of a lot of the usual things of course BP, blood sugar, etc. A check-up revealed Glioblastoma in later stages.
Nidhi: (shutting her eyes for a second) Oh no! How is he.. now?
Ashutosh: Thankfully, he has responded quite well to treatment and is doing quite well health-wise. (Nidhi is relieved to hear that) But, it would have been impossible without Mallika. She not only researched the latest treatement and also co-performed the surgery, but also took turns with me to nurse him during those critical post-surgery days.
Nidhi just listens silently, and absorbs everything.
Ashutosh: After recovery, he asked me if I could do anything to fulfill his wish. (Shrugging) You can guess the rest, right? I had found him back into my life after so many years. He had just come out of a deadly ailment like Glioblastoma. I couldn't refuse.. the way he asked me.
Nidhi just nods slightly, as understanding dawns on her. Ashutosh thought back to that time. He would have given up his life, had his foster father asked for it. But marrying Mallika, when he knew he could not love her? Mallika had overheard his father's wish, and her eyes had lighted up with new hope. He had talked to her and explained as he had done many times before, that he could not give her more than friendship. Mallika had told him, that his friendship would be enough. She would not ask for more. She said that they could be just friends after marriage. So, finally he had agreed.
Initially, she had tried to get closer to him. But, soon had given up and had devoted herself to being a good daughter-in-law to his father, a homemaker and a unobstrusive friend. As friends they came closer. The aggressive and possessive Mallika had mellowed down. She had learnt to be satisfied with being his wife only in name. As he started to understand her better, he had seen that her heart yearned for a husband's love, even though she tried to hide it from him. He had started feeling very guilty. She was being the ideal wife. And her devotion to him and his father was unflinching. How could he not accept such a woman? True, he had loved Nidhi. But he had himself taken that decision to push her away. He knew he had taken the right decision for Nidhi. He decided to cherish Nidhi as a beautiful dream, and embrace the reality of his life which was his wife, Mallika.
He had never seen Mallika so happy as the night he had finally accepted her completely, after almost two years of their marriage. She looked as if she had gotten everything she could ever ask for!
Soon after that Amol had come and had become the focal point of their lives. Since then, they had been more of doting parents than a husband and wife. Amol had indeed filled their lives with happiness. Ashutosh had got his first blood relation, a DNA he had always yearned for! For that, he would be ever grateful to Mallika.
Ashutosh's reverie was broken when he realized that Nidhi was saying something.
Nidhi: (Thinking aloud) But, I had been keeping my eyes and ears open for any news related to you. How come, I missed your marriage news?
Ashutosh: (Shrugging) Well, the newspapers did carry the news..maybe you missed it?
Nidhi: When you got married, by the way?
Ashutosh: In March, about 4 months after we parted.
Nidhi: Oh.. that explains it. I was in Europe at that time.
Ashutosh simply smiles.
Nidhi: Can I ask you a personal question? (He nods a bit apprehensively) Are you HAPPILY married?
Before he could reply, his cellphone rang and he picked it up.
Ashutosh: (Into the phone) Hey Mallika, how's everything?
Mallika: Hi, everything is absolutely fine here. You tell me, enjoying the conference? I am sure your speech must have been well-received.
Ashutosh: Conference is going good and yes the speech was appreciated, especially the points you wrote for me. And, where is Baba? His phone did not connect in the morning.
Mallika: (In a low, uncertain voice) Actually, Ashutosh, I had switched off his phone.. his BP had shot up and..
Ashutosh: What?! How much? And, did he get excited over something again..? (Muttering angrily more to himself) Why can't he stay calm? Damn it, the way he gets excited over..
Mallika: Calm down dear, no need to get all worked up. His BP is totally under control now. He is taking rest, because I told him. And need you worry, when I am here?
Ashutosh: (Relieved) I know Mallika! I am sometimes surprised how you manage everything so easily. (Affectionately) So, what's the lil brat doing?
Mallika: (Laughing) Tell me something Ashutosh, were you so naughty when you were his age.. ? (Abruptly realizing her faux pas) Actually no, vo mujhpe gaya lagta hai. My mom often told me that I was very naughty although I refused to believe it.
Ashutosh: Oh really? But, aisa kya kar diya mere maasoom se bte ne?
Mallika: (With mock anger) Well, he broke his new car, and now is crying..
Ashutosh: Give him the phone.
Mallika: One minute please.
After a moment, he hears his son's voice and his entire face lights up. Nidhi who is witnessing all this silently, registers the immense joy that shows in his eyes.
Ashutosh: (Very Tenderly ) My baby.. why is my lil angel crying? Kaa hua mere rockstar ko?
Amol: (Whining) Ca tooti Baba .. (Crying) Mamma doosi naayi la rahi.. I want my ca now..
Ashutosh: (With a smile) Ca nahi baby Car. Bolo Carr
Amol: Ca..rr. my car (Crying again) Mama is very bad.. Baba you sodie sodie her, I want my ca.. carr now.
Ashutosh: Amoli, brave babies don't cry. If you cry like this, Baba will scoldie scoldie you. (The toddler stops crying, hiccupping) That's like my good brave son. Baba is so proud of you my sweet angel. Okay now my baby will listen to his Baba, right?
Amol: Yes Baba.. white..
Ashutosh: (Chuckling) Baby, Mamma ko hospital jaana haina? There are many uncles, aunties and sweet kids like my Amol.. who are in pain. Mamma needs to give them medicines.. (Realizing that he is about to start throwing tantrums again) Baby you want a car?
Amol: Yes Baba..
Ashutosh: Okay I will tell your Mamma to get it for you, but then what about the helicopter, that flies in the sky?
Amol: Heyikaa.. fly in the sky? YEAAAH
Ashutosh: But, Amoli wants a car Then forget the helicopter, I will give it to jimmy.
Amol: (in a demanding tone) NO. I want the heyikaa
Ashutosh: And the car?
Amol: (Reluctantly) No, I not want the car..
Ashutosh: That's like my good boy. Baba is bringing a red helicopter only for his Amoli.
Amol: (Shouting at the top of his world) YEAAAH. Baba when are you coming back?
Ashutosh: (Smiling) Just in two days..
Amol: (Dejected) Tooo theys?
Ashutosh: Yes Baby. Aapka helicopter ban raha haina? The very special helicopter for my Amoli!
Amol: Okay Baba. I lovveee you Baba
Ashutosh: I love you too my son.
Amol: I LOVEEE You 3, 4, 5 Baba.
Ashutosh (chuckling) my sweetheart! Where is mamma?
But too late. The child has already cut the call.
It is then that he sees Nidhi silently observing him with a smile.
Ashutosh: What happened? Why are you looking at me like that?
Nidhi: Nothing
Ashutosh: Nidhi, I think you should have dinner. Go to the restaurant and have your dinner since you did not have it earlier. It's late, I will see you tomorrow. Good night.
Nidhi: Dr. Ashutosh, why don't you accompany me?
Ashutosh: (Surprised) Me? I already had my dinner.
Nidhi: But you can still just sit with me and sip an ice tea or something.
Ashutosh: But, see Nidhi, people know us here. They all belong to medical fraternity. Wht if anyone sees us.
Nidhi: You are right. Okay, then, we can go out and have something.
Ashutosh: But, its already late Nidhi.
Nidhi: So? There is a place called Sandwiched' right outside. Lets go there. (Pleading) PLEASE.
Ashutosh: (Reluctantly) Okay.
Nidhi: (Getting slightly excited) Great! You reach there in 15 minutes and I will meet you there. I need to go my room for a while. See you.
And before he can resist again, she is gone.
He was already waiting for her, when she entered Sandwiched. She ordered sandwiches while he ordered coffee.
Nidhi is lost in thoughts throughout most of the meal. He too does not make any effort to talk. Finally she orders a coke and sits back.
Nidhi (Playing around with her straw, musingly) Dr. Ashutosh, don't you feel, there is some reason we met here?
Ashutosh: (Confused) What reason?
Nidhi: (Tentatively) Maybe you know.. destiny has finally smiled at us!
Ashutosh: (Apprehensively) What are you trying to say? Please stop talking in riddles.
Nidhi: (In a low cautious voice) Maybe we can still come together. May be..
Ashutosh: (Ashtonished) Have you LOST IT Nidhi? What are you trying to suggest?
Nidhi: (Pleading) Pl. calm down. Listen to me..
Ashutosh: (Angrily) No. I won't listen to any of your non-sense! Do you even realize we are both married? MARRIED for God's sake!
Nidhi: And that is what I am trying to explain.. We are both married but we do not love oour respective spouses. Niether I am happy in my marital life nor you. So..
Ashutosh: What makes you think..
Nidhi: Just let me finish. Please! I was saying that you love me and so do I. We both got married for our parents' sake. So, why should we have to live with the compromise forever? (Ashutosh is getting more and more shocked with each word) I am sure Rohan will understand. He deserves better too, someone who will love him fully. If you can make Dr. Mallika understand, then.. (Looking at the profound shock on his face) Don't.. don't worry about your son. I have seen he means a lot to you. We.. we will keep him with us. I will shower my love..
She went on talking, but Ashutosh has zoomed out on her. Had she lost her senses? If she had been this obsessed with him, why didn't confront him earlier? Maybe knowing about his true feelings had thrown her off-balance. He felt like shaking her up and driving some sense into her. But something prevented him, from being blunt.
He had pushed her away once and that wound was still not healed. Now, if he rejected her yet again, it could cause serious psychological damage. No, he had to handle her very tactfully. He masked his anger behind an impassive expression and turned his attention to what she was saying.
Nidhi:.. Dr. Ashutosh, pl. think carefully. We could still spend the rest of our lives together! Wouldn't it be wonderful?
Ashutosh: (With an uneasy smile) Look, Nidhi.. I am sure how this will work out (At her questioning glance) See, for a moment, suppose we get divorces as you suggest. What then?
Nidhi: (Looking at him as if he is not able to see the obvious, dreamily) We live happily ever after! What else?
Ashutosh: (Tentatively) Happily ever after? I don't see anything except problems.. (Looking at her stunned expressions) Look Nidhi, think practically. I am nearing 50, and, at this age, whatever I may do, I can't change myself to adjust with you.
Nidhi: (Easily, as if it is nothing) Don't worry, I won't expect you to change yourself. I will change myself to adjust with you.
Ashutosh: It's easier said than done.
Nidhi: (Stubbornly) You underestimate the power of love. I will show you.
Ashutosh: (Totally stunned at her growing obsession) Okay. But Nidhi, I feel you are too.. (stops purposely.)
Nidhi:I am too what?
Ashutosh: Leave it.. nothing.
Nidhi: Why? I want to know.
Ashutosh: Hmm.. let me see, how to explain.. (after a pause) See, I am used to taking all decisions for my family, and I am used to having them respect those decisions even if they are bad, or unwise. So, I am not so sure if you would be able to respect the decisions I take for you. I am sure, you will challenge them.. and that could create a rift.
Nidhi: No way Dr. Ashutosh! I respect you a lot. So, will also respect your decisions.
Ashutosh: IF you say so, you may do so, outwardly. But you may be accepting them forcibly. Not wholeheartedly.
Nidhi: (Defensively) Are you doubting my love? I will accept whatever decision you make. You are so much more experienced than me. I am sure you won't take any decision that goes against my interests.
Ashutosh: You sure
Nidhi: Absolutely.
Ashutosh: So you promise to abide by whatever decisions I take for us?
Nidhi: Of course, I promise.
Ashutosh: Meri kasam?
Nidhi: (Without a moment's hesitation) Aapki kasam!
Ashutosh: (Watching her expressions closely) Nidhi, if I say that I have just taken a decision that is in your, actually our best interest, then?
Nidhi: Are you testing me so soon? (Assertively) Consider it accepted and respected. I would give up my life for you.
Ashutosh: (Very seriously and deliberately) Okay, I want you to respect the decision I took 5 years ago. I want you to go back to your husband and devote the rest of your life to him and his family. Can you do it FOR ME? For our love?
Nidhi was dumbfounded, and simply looked at him, as tears stream down her cheeks.
Nidhi: (Barely able to speak) W.. WHAT?!! That's unfair!
Ashutosh: Love can be unfair at times.
Nidhi: (Getting increasingly agitated) You are asking me to pay a very high price just because I love you.
Ashutosh: Love can be costly at times! If it were cheap, no one would value it.
Nidhi: But, why are you doing this? Don't you love me anymore? Did you ever love me in the first place?
Ashutosh: Love is not everything in life Nidhi! It can not be the be-all and end-all of life.
Nidhi just looks at him hurt and confused.
Ashutosh: (Softening but still firmly) See Nidhi, you want us to divorce our respective spouses and get married. Firstly, if you think realistically, even if we get divorce by mutual consent, it could still take upto 2 years according to procedures. And Nidhi, look at my age. Okay, leave that aside for a moment and think how many people we would be hurting deeply? My father would be heartbroken. So would yours, I am sure. Just think of what your grandmother would feel? And your in-laws? On my side, Mallika? And frankly, I shudder to think of what this will do to little, innocent Amol (Seeing she is about to protest) I know, you will love him, I don't doubt that for a second. But for one thing, you are not his mother, Mallika is! And for another, Amol is as much her life as he is mine. I can't snatch her husband and her life both from her. And I can't live without Amol either. And Nidhi, on you side, your husband who obviously loves you. You say he would understand. Bur would he be happy? And your in-laws?
Nidhi just looks at him totally defeated.
Ashutosh: Nahi Nidhi nahi! Itne saare logon ki laashon pe sapnon ke mahal nahi banaye jaate.. If we try, we won't be happy ever. Think and tell me Nidhi.. would you be happy knowing you hurt so many people.
There is complete silence between them for sometime. Nidhi does some soul searching and realizes that he is right. Her father was a heart patient. Even her grandaunt would not be able to take it. She was shocked to realize how she had lost her senses and got obsessed since Ashutosh had confessed his feelings to her. Why had she even lost her basic sense of right and wrong?
Nidhi: (Still in thoughts) Hmm.. perhaps.. we will be hurting a lot of people, ye.. ye sahi nahi hoga.. We may never be happy by giving grief to so many people. I am sorry.. I did not see this.. I did not think this through. Just the fact that you too loved me sent me into a frenzy.. my heart ruled my senses and I .. mujhe kya ho gaya tha..
Ashutosh: (Immensely relieved) I knew you would understand Nidhi, and I am glad you did.
Nidhi just averts her eyes feeling awkward and embarrassed.
Ashutosh: (Trying to listen the situation) You know what I think? The jet-lag had addled your better judgement.
She looks at him surprised and then, both burst out laughing.
Ashutosh: So, I think we should leave now? It's late, you need your sleep. Even I am tired.
Nidhi: Sure. I should go first or will you?
Ashutosh: You go on and sleep. I will order another coffee and make some calls.
Nidhi: Okay good night.
Ashutosh: Good night. Sleep well. Don't think too much.
Nidhi nods and leaves.
The next morning, Nidhi's heart still felt heavy, as she awoke to Rohan's call. Rohan first asked her why she had not called him before going to bed. He said he tried to call her but the call did not connect. She explained that she had been very tired after dinner and succumbed to sleep as soon as she hit the bed, when the truth was that she had lain awake in her bed, unmindful of the time in spite of being bone tired and jet-lagged. She had been thinking of Ashutosh, unable to convince herself to let go of him, at least completely.
Rohan sensed her despondency and tried to probe for the reason. She blamed her low spirits to jet lag. Rohan understood that something was bothering her, but did not push the issue. They always shared that comfort level and understanding, yet Rohan always respected her personal space. He knew instinctively when to leave her alone. But he always managed to cheer her up. And that is precisely happened on this occasion too.
Half an hour, she was laughing uncontrollably as she hung up. Rohan and his PJs! She thought as she tried to stop laughing and got up from the bed. She did not even realize that the talk with Rohan had actually perked her up and she was ready to face the day!
She got ready and went down for breakfast. She looked around the hall, but could not find Ashutosh anywhere. She went to the nearest intercom and called his room. He took his time picking up.
Ashutosh: (Sleepily) Hello?
Ashutosh too had been unable to sleep for the greater part of the night. He had been extremely worried about Nidhi's state of mind. He knew he had wounded her heart deeply and he only had to dress her wound before it septicized the rest of her life.
Nidhi: (Surprised) Are you still sleeping, its already 8:00 a.m. Everyone is having breakfast.
Ashutosh: (Checking the time, sheepishly) Oh my.. is it? Thank you for waking me Nidhi.."
Nidhi: (Chuckling) Aap ka purana alarm clock hoon, so it was my duty.
There is silence between them as the recall those days when he was down with viral and later when his leg was fractured, and she used to visit him early mornings.
Ashutosh: (breaking the silence) I will be there in 20 minutes.
The rest of the day went away without interaction between them as the day was packed with back-to-back sessions. As a precaution, Ashutosh avoided talking too much to Nidhi since he realizes she is still emotionally vulnerable and the talk may get too sentimental again, in front of others.
Nidhi is a bit disappointed by his aloofness and promptly follows him out of the banquet hall. They enter the elevator together.
Nidhi: You going to sleep? You sleep early, right?
Ashutosh: (Nodding) Yes, I prefer to sleep early. And I am quite tired. Today was hectic.
Nidhi: Yes it was. (By now, they have reached their floor and the elevator door opens) By the way, what's your cellphone number. (She waits with her fingers poised on her phone)
Ashutosh looks at her slightly frustrated as they are coming out of the elevator. Why is she hell bent on clinging on to the past? Why couldn't she let go?
He motioned her to return to the elevator. Though surprised, she does. He takes the elevator to the terrace. She looks at him trying to read his impassive expressions, but finally smiles coyly, which further perturbed him.
As soon as the elevator reaches the terraces he leads her to a discrete corner.
Ashutosh: (Keeping his voice under control) Why do you want my number, Nidhi?
Nidhi: (Surprised) Why? Means?
Ashutosh: Means why? Will you call me?
Nidhi: Obviously. Can't I?
Ashutosh: NO. Let me make this very clear Nidhi - WE ARE NOT GOING TO MEET OR TALK AFTER WE LEAVE FROM HERE
Nidhi: (Shocked and near to tears) But why can't we? I admit, we can not come together, but cant we even talk and meet .. like friends.
Ashutosh: Friends? Who are you kidding Nidhi? Yourself, right)
Nidhi: (Getting defensive) We are both matured enough to..
Ashutosh: I hope so. And that's precisely why I don't want us to meet.
Nidhi: (Angrily) Stop talking in riddles, and tell me the reason.
Ashutosh: (Maintaining his calm with difficulty) Don't you see? Our meetings would act like a catalyst to ruin our marriages. Once we start meeting, it would keep getting more and more frequent. And do I need to tell you, what our relationship will be labeled by the society?
Nidhi: (Defiantly) What are you talking of? I don't understand.
Ashutosh: (Angrily) If you think for a while, and think with your head and not your heart, you will understand. Good night!
And he walks away angrily leaving her behind on the terrace. She stands there stunned for a while and walk towards the elevators.
Once in her room, Nidhi cries her heart out yet again. But she has to agree finally that he had been right. Sooner or later, they would have landed in a mess, had she met him in India.
But her heart still needed some respite. Agreed they would not meet in India. But, couldn't they spend some time alone while here. She wanted to breathe in his presence, just once. She wanted that one moment with him. Just once would be enough to see her through this lifetime.
Next morning she again called Ashutosh from her room.
Ashutosh: Hello?
Nidhi: Good morning
Ashutosh: (In an aloof tone) Good morning. I will see you downstairs.
Nidhi: Are you still angry with me? Please forgive me for the last time, please. I promise I wull abide by whatever you say from now onwards.
Ashutosh: Nidhi, you agree what I say is the only ethically correct way to deal with the situation we are in, right?
Nidhi: (Trying to put genuine sincerity into her words) I do. I really do agree with you.
Ashutosh: (Relieved) Thank God!
Nidhi: Dr. Ashutosh, I agree with everything you say. And will abide by your decisions. But if I ask fot something, will you give me.
Ashutosh: (Apprehensively) I will try my best Nidhi. Tell me what you want.
Nidhi: It is something that would help me sail through this lifetime without you!
Ashutosh: If there is something that would help you do that, I will definitely give you that.
Nidhi: I want some memories.
Ashutosh: What do you mean?
Nidhi: (In a trembling voice) Aap ke saath kuch lamhe.
Edited by sshirley - 11 years ago
Arjun
