Chapter Fourteen
What more did she want from him?
The question had been plaguing Ashutosh ever since she had turned him down. Okay, her family probably thought she was seeking time on account of his mother's passing. Maybe she was too! Was it seeking time before she could say a categorical no though? She had pretty much told him that! She did not want to marry him under the circumstances! She did not want him to feel trapped, she did not want him to feel compelled to do the right thing!
A sense of something akin to irritation rose within him! Okay, so he was! Was that such a crime? He did feel compelled by circumstances, he did feel the need to do the right thing. But did she have to make him feel like it was a crime! Wasn't it the honourable thing to do after all? So, she did not want him being a man of honour?
Okay, so he had not been exactly polite to her in the past, under similar circumstances. Had accused her of trapping him even! That was in the past though! That was when he still had hope of pushing her away from him, hope of escaping from the web of emotion that she had guilelessly woven around him!
What more did she want from him?
She knew he could offer nothing more! She knew that continuing their relationship under the circumstances was a virtual impossibility. And yet, for whatever reason, she was asking for time out! And it was so he could turn tail and run!
Okay, so he had given her reason to be apprehensive! But, the circumstances had changed completely since then! He had sought her out, shared things with her that no other living soul knew! He had told her he had wished his mother dead, dammit! He, a doctor, had contemplated ending her pain when he saw her unable to cope! He had railed against the Gods and the Fate that had condemned her to such an existence. He had screamed silently at his father for abandoning the woman thus! For loving her so much that she was unable to survive bereft of his love! He had told Nidhi all this and more! The day he had left for London, he had watched the sunrise on Marine Drive with his parents. They had breakfasted at the Taj and spent the whole day together. They had hugged him tight and waved him off, his father with an arm around his teary wife.The next time he saw them, his father was dead and his mother much worse! And then, more than a decade later, he had watched the sunrise from that same spot, this time with Nidhi. He had felt a strange peace, a sense of calm had enveloped him, something that had evaded him for more than a decade. It had felt good! And the peace he saw in her eyes told him that she felt good too!
What more did she want from him?
The three words? Words that he feared might destroy his soul? Did she not know that those words terrified him, they scared him senseless? For they gave name to an emotion that might well devastate his soul! Or hers!
What more did she want from him?
Did she not realise that he could not offer more? Did she not understand that he could not permit himself to feel more than he already did? Why was this not enough for her? Was it because she did not trust him? Did she fear that he would turn on her someday, lash out with venomous words, abandon her to a life of misery? Or did she maybe hope that with time, he would get used to the idea or possibly learn to feel and express what she wanted him to? Why wasn't what he was offering good enough for her?
She had pretty much put an end to their relationship. With her family in the picture, there was no hope in hell that they could continue as before! And with the news of their liaison spreading even outside of the hospital, there was no way he was going to put her through further dishonour. Yes, his mother had been right! This was a different place and a different time! While he did not subscribe to the conventional sense of morality that prevailed here, he realised that cocking a snook at it had been sheer idiocy! He had unwittingly led a woman into flouting her family values. So what if he had made no promises, he still should not have allowed her to lose herself to this madness! He should never have allowed himself to succumb to it either. And yet she had and he had and they were where they were! He had done the one thing that any honourable man would do! Only it had not been enough! He knew that the mourning period was an excuse, it was more her fear of his mercurial nature and the demons that plagued him. She was even justified in her fear and yet, he could not help feeling just that bit resentful towards her!
What more did she want from him?
He spent the entire night trying to evade the voice in his mind that screamed out the answer!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"What a bitch!"
Anjie looked up startled. Whom was he talking about?
She looked around her. There did not seem anybody around whom they knew! He had spent the last five minutes staring moodily into his glass! So, whom was he talking about?
"Who Rohan?"
"The wretched emotion that foolish writers and poets like me hail as love!"
Anjie remained silent! What was she to say anyway!
"She was such a sensible girl, you know! Between the two of us, I was the one who was the dreamer, the poet, the lunatic! While I described love as this exhilarating, intoxicating feeling that went straight to the head, she called it the soothing emotion that calmed the senses. What then is this madness that she now calls love?"
"Rohan, would you mind if I am brutally frank?"
Rohan shrugged his shoulders.
"What she described then was what you made her feel! What she is experiencing now is what this man makes her feel. It is clearly something that has changed her fundamentally!"
"Do you think that is a good thing?"
"It must be good for her. Why would she willingly succumb to it and remain ensnared even after all that has happened otherwise?"
"So why refuse the man? I mean he finally did the decent thing! Why not just marry him?"
"She hasn't refused. Just asked for some time, so they get past the period of mourning!"
Rohan looked at her incredulously.
"Anjie, are you crazy? What if the man changes his mind?"
"Maybe that is exactly what she wants him to give the chance to do?"
Rohan looked at her like she was mad!
"Rohan, she does not want to marry a cornered animal. She wants him to come to her, with a guilt free heart, take her in love and not honour!"
"Why are you women so obsessed with words, yaar?"
Anjie started laughing as he looked at her crossly.
"Writer saab, you say that!"
Yeah, it sounded a silly thing for a wordsmith to say. The writer in him could appreciate the wisdom behind her words even if the man could not! She was still laughing hard. She had such beautiful and expressive eyes. When she laughed, her eyes fairly danced! Rohan found himself unable to take his eyes off her face! She suddenly caught him staring at her! Anjie's silly heart skipped a beat even as her mind told her not to read meaning into casual gestures.
"What happened?"
"Did you know your eyes fairly dance when you laugh?"
She felt a huge blush come on. He did not seem to have realised what he had said though!
"So, what do you think will happen?"
"To whom?"
"To Nidhi of course!"
"I don't know. I just hope she is happy. I have realised there is nothing much else I can do!"
He heaved a sigh before looking around. The band had just begun to play.
"Hey, that's your favourite number, right...want to dance?"
He held his hand out to her as he rose.
Then they were on the floor, swaying along to the music. Yet another memory to be filed away, Anjie thought! The memory of their first waltz!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"What more do you want from me?"
He could read the surprise in her eyes as she looked up at him. They were seated in his car. He had texted her asking if she could meet him that evening after work! Thankfully, his schedule had been fairly light in the last two days. He doubted if he was capable of the sort of focus that his profession demanded of him at all times. He felt himself plagued by a sense of guilt and remorse every time he saw her. Yet, he had maintained his distance at the hospital. It wasn't too hard since she seemed to be trying to do the same thing! Maybe her father had warned her on this! To maintain a decorous distance until there was some kind of a formal arrangement!
Ashutosh knew he had to speak to her once again! So, he had texted her and now, here they were!
"I don't understand!"
"Nidhi, your family may have bought your excuse but I know it for what it is! You think you are leaving some escape route open for me! You want me to be sure, right? What is sure, Nidhi? When Al Gore and his wife can separate after half a century of togetherness, what is this sure? You want some written guarantee from me that we will stay together forever? Who better than us doctors to recognise our own mortality, Nidhi?"
"No Dr Ashutsoh, I want no written guarantees...I know life does not come with guarantees...let me ask you one question though...would you have proposed but for my family coming to know?"
Ashutosh looked at her for a long minute before shaking his head.
"No, I would not. But what difference does it make?"
"It does, Dr Ashutosh...!"
He could almost feel the iron control that she was exercising over her emotions. A part of him wanted to take her into his arms and hold her tight! But that would serve no purpose!
"So this is about choice and not compulsion...you want me to choose to marry you instead of feeling compelled to..?"
She nodded quietly.
"I don't think I will ever voluntarily marry, Nidhi...And you know why!"
"So why do you want to change that now? Out of a sense of obligation, some antiquated notion of honour? Let me tell you, Dr Ashutosh, I truly don't believe a woman's honour is in anyway linked to her chastity! I made my choice when I got involved with you, and now I must pay the price for that choice. In life, there is no free lunch, as they say. I don't want you to have to pay for the values imposed by the society that I live in. I do not feel compromised, I do not feel a lesser woman! I am still who I was, and always will be! Sex with you has not compromised my core!"
He could not help feeling a sense of awe! Not that he was going to tell her that!
"I am glad you feel that way, Nidhi. That you don't feel tainted by my touch!"
She looked up at him sharply.
"But what of my honour? I know honour and chastity are not linked. But isn't a man's honour linked to his sense of responsibility? You expect me to stand by and watch while the world casts stones at you, for a crime that both of us are culpable of?"
"It is no crime!"
"The world that we inhabit seems to think so! It does not seem to matter what you and I think! So, you want me to live with a tarnished reputation, as a dishonourable man? Knowing fully well my reasons for avoiding emotional intimacy? Knowing fully well that this effectively spells the end of our relationship?"
She closed her eyes and sighed.
When she opened them again, he saw steely determination shining through!
"If this relationship comes at the cost of the emotional freedom that you cherish, then I would rather give it up!"
He nodded his head.
"If that is what you want, then so be it!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
He stood at their doorstep again.
It was Nidhi who opened the door this time. Her look of surprise was quickly masked as she hurriedly moved aside to allow him to enter. It was more than a week since they had last spoken.
Her father and her grandmother were seated at the dining table, sipping their evening tea.
"Please join us, Dr Mathur!"
"Arre...damaadji pehli baar Ghar aaye hain...let me get some sweets for him!"
The old lady was trying to make the best of the situation. He knew what it must have cost her to accept the unconventional nature of their relationship and the propriety that she believed had forced them to put the wedding on hold!
She bustled back into the room with a plate of sweets and fed him with her own hands.
He sensed the uncomfortable looks that Nidhi kept giving him all through!
"Sir, I am here to share something important with you!"
The elders looked at him expectantly.
"I have decided to leave Lucknow!"
Stunned was too mild a word to describe their expressions.
He deliberately avoided looking directly at Nidhi although he noticed an almost imperceptible stiffening from the corner of his eye.
"Damaad Ji...you can't leave like that...hamare Nidhi ka Kya hoga?"
He turned to see Nidhi now.
She had schooled her features now and was revealing no emotion!
He turned back to her family.
"You mistake me, Maa Ji...I am not abandoning Nidhi or my responsibilties...I just think that it is going to make matters worse for Nidhi if both of us keep working in the same place under the circumstances...unless and until we formalise our relationship, that is...so, I've asked the KGH management to relieve me from here temporarily...I will be joining their hospital in Mumbai for the time being...when you feel the time is right, please set the date and call me...and I will be back!"
He turned to Nidhi as he spoke the last two lines. He could sense the challenge in his own words! Her eyes flickered with some strange emotion and yet she said nothing. He pulled out his card from his coat pocket.
"Sir, this has my Mumbai address and contacts...and the hospital contacts too...I will wait for your call!"
He handed over the card to Colonel Verma and walked out before any of them could say another word.
Edited by Suvika. - 12 years ago