OS - Astitva

Astitva

She is jerked out her sleep and her mouth opens in a silent scream. Breath hitches out in rapid succession and sweat rolls down her face. She raises her trembling hand to wipe her mouth, swallows, hugs herself and looks around. Will these nightmares ever leave me completely? After all these years, she finally thought that she was over them. kissi ne sach hi kaha hain. One can never shed one's past completely. A part of it stays with us..in us..changing us in a fundamental way. It haunts us and comes to hit us at the least expected moment of our lives. (Her laden feet carry her to the window where she moves the curtain aside to look at the dark night.) How many nights did I do that..look out of the closed window..closed room..the prison that I was kept in..beaten down, broken, raped time and again..(another shudder racks her body and she starts scrubbing her face, neck and arms as if trying to remove something vile and dirty that's crawling over her body.) Because that's what it had felt like. That's what I had felt like. I had felt dirty. The pain..the horror..the humiliation..God! the humiliation that I, an independent strong woman in one of the most respected professions, would be so weak and helpless in the hands of a man. No. not a man. A monster. Oh how I wish I had just taken a knife..something..and slashed him off to pieces. Oh how I wish I had tied him up the way he did me and meted out everything that he did to it for those 3 months! 3 months! Some times it felt "my God 3 months!" but sometimes..like recently, after multiple counselling sessions, it felt, "thank God it had been only for 3 months! thank God I escaped when I did." thank God for the maid and the kindly Indian neighbour who literally dragged me out of that room, stuffed some money and my passport with a ticket in my hands and sent me off to the airport in a cab. Now come to think of it, it's a wonder I even got through the security check. But thankfully the officer there was a lady and once I explained in a trembling voice what happened, I managed to get through and sit in the plane. A plane that brought me back to my country and my people. A plane that brought me back to Lucknow. Back to my home. back into the lives of Ashutosh and Nidhi.

Everything that happened is still in a kind of a haze. Jagan not only had used violence but he also got me addicted to drugs. Initially he had drugged me just to keep me quiet but then later on he enjoyed me begging him for those drugs for the relief that they would provide. he enjoyed my trembling and my withdrawal symptoms. He enjoyed my pain. So a lot of days after I got back to Lucknow were in a haze. Later on, I was informed that I was roaming on the streets like some mad woman mumbling to myself..sometimes screaming and running around when the panic attacks occurred. What would have happened if Nidhi hadn't found me when she did, I have no idea. (Her body shivers once again in fear and despair.) A girl whom I once considered my arch rival..the person who snatched away my happiness and hope and Ashutosh from me, became my solace. Became my one pillar of support. Nidhi had literally dragged me back to KGH kicking and screaming. She had administered a sedation and called the resident psychiatrist. Then she had run to Ashutosh, who was by then her husband, and informed him. Call it fate, but even Ashu at that point was admitted in KGH due to his accident where he had injured his knee. He immediately had come to look in on me but one look at my tattered dress and bruised body, he had backed off. Nidhi later on had told me that he had long intense discussions with the Psychiatrist as to how to handle and the line of treatment that should be followed. He was furious and pained at the state his friend was found in and for a long time blamed himself. if only he had stopped me from marrying Jagan..if only he had insisted on finding more about him. Nidhi later on said that it had taken a lot of convincing from her side to make him let go of the blame and think of ways and means to help his friend. But both of them had realized that I would not let him anywhere near me..even to look or talk. So Nidhi took it on her herself to help me. she was the one who helped me find my feet. She helped me find my self respect. She helped me face the world again with my head held high.

In the days that followed, everyone in KGH became nameless faceless people blurring into one another and they drove my fear, my shame and my pain to new levels. I, who, not very long back, had ruled this KGH!!! and now have been been brought in here as a mad woman! Subconsciously, I guess I knew all these people and recognized them and the fact that they were witnessing me at my lowest point made me drive them all away. all? No. not all! I could not drive away that one stubborn girl. Nidhi! long ago, once Ashutosh had told me that "Nidhi bahut ziddi ladki hain lekin dil ki bahut saaf hain!" at that time the way Ashutosh had made her sound..the way he pointed out her weakness and made it sound like a strong point, was like rubbing salt on my already bleeding heart. And now, the same girl barged into my room in KGH, sat on my bed and cupped my cheeks so that I could look into her deep deep eyes: buss..buss! chuphojaayiye! Listen to me..please..just listen to me. you are safe here. completely safe. Jagan won't come here. I won't let him. i already informed the cops and they will be keeping an eye. He won't lay a finger on you ever again. please trust me. don't do this to yourself. Mein hoon aap ke saath. Aur aap ke saath hi rahoongi. Shaanth hojaayiye please.

Her voice..i don't know why..had a mesmerizingly calming effect on me and from that moment on, I started clinging to her. no other word would do..because that's what I did. clung to her. I refused to talk to anyone except her. I refused my medication unless it was given by her. I refused food until she came, ate a bite herself and assured me that it was safe. Then came the news that Ashutosh was getting discharged and Nidhi was going home. that resulted in another panic attack and an attempt in suicide. (she closes her eyes and softly bangs her forehead to the windowsill) why? Why did I do something so stupid? All I could see was that my security blanket was leaving me alone and going off. Poor Nidhi! and poor Ashutosh! neither of them had a choice so they took me into their home. she quickly took Ashutosh to their room, settled him down and came back to me. she helped take a refreshing shower and seeing my tattered clothing, lent me some of her dresses, combed my hair and made it into a tight knot at the back of my head. Until then I did not realize that I was looking like some demon and all this made me feel human again. she humorously made some joke on her own cooking skills and dragged me along with her into the kitchen in the pretext of helping her. Then HK had wheeled in Ashutosh who looked at me but quickly averted his eyes. I did not know that he was keeping his distance deliberately so as to not scare me anymore. I was just grateful that "the man" does not come near me or even look at me. but there was something different about him that day as he pushed his wheelchair near Nidhi and took her hand in his: Nidhi..

Nidhi had looked at him with a question in her eyes: ji?

Ashutosh had then given her his credit card: yeh lo aur aaj tum dono shopping jao. Get some nice clothes for her and it will be a change for her too.

Nidhi's smile had lite up her whole face: shopping? Wow! Hum zaroor jaayenge. Bada mazaa aayega. Anji ko bhi bulaati hoon. Mein apne liye bhi kuch khareedoo?

The open desire that I saw in his face at that time had me taking a step back. he had placed a tender kiss on her palm before replying: yeh bhi koi poochne ki baat hain Doc? Go. Go and have fun.

Nidhi and Anji then took me on the shopping expedition and the simple fun we had that evening started clearing the fog in my mind. I could breathe without feeling suffocated and both of them with their cheerful smiles and mischievous actions brought out the first tentative smile from me that day. Nidhi fed me dinner that night, gave me my meds and put me to bed. But I could feel that she was a little distracted..that she wanted to be elsewhere. That night something woke me up. The music..yes, the music woke me up and I soundlessly opened the door to peek outside. What I saw stopped me in my tracks and froze the blood in my veins. Nidhi was wearing a short dress and weaving around dancing to the music and suddenly "the man" caught her arm and pulled her to him. I could not see the tender love and desire on the man's face. I could not see the joyful smile on Nidhi's face. All I could see was that she was trying to run away and he was holding her back by force. That's it! all hell had broken lose! I screamed her name, ran and literally pulled her away from him and ran with her into my room before shutting it and locking it. it was not Ashutosh for me then. it was not the man whom I had loved for 12 years and waited for him to love me back. it was not the man who was my friend. It was just "the man"

That night Nidhi had no choice but to spend the night in my room with me. I clung on to her and refused to let her open the door. Poor girl! first night of her husband's return from the hospital and she ended up staying awake with his mad insane friend. My counselling sessions started from the next day on. Since I refused to go out to another clinic and the doctor was another colleague of mine in another life time, she herself came to Nidhi's house for every session. (she goes and gets herself a glass of cold water and gulps it down in one go) then there was the day when I accidentally saw Nidhi hugging "the man" and both of them looking at their wedding snaps. Once again, my mind did not register their eyes soft in fond remembrance or Nidhi's blushing smile. all I saw was Nidhi in that snap in a wedding attire. I barged into their room and tore the photograph to pieces and pulled her away from him: no. don't touch her. I will kill you if you touch her. don't you dare! Nidhi..kyon kiya tumne aisa? Why did you marry huh? Tum jaanti nahi ho Nidhi..shaadi barbaadi hain. Nidhi..shaadi bardaadi hain. chalo chalo. Yahan se bhaag chalte hain chalo.

God when I think of the tears in Nidhi's eyes at the torn pictures and Ashutosh's look of utter helplessness!! To this day, that scene alone has the ability to make me cringe in shame. That night at the dinner table I saw..i saw that Nidhi was still down and upset about the whole thing. And I saw something else. I saw Ashutosh. not "the man" but Ashutosh. my friend. My friend who was so in love with his young wife. he was on a wheelchair and despite that he went around lighting candles all over just to make his wife smile. I saw him openly acknowledge what his wife is doing for him and his friend and literally bow before her. "you will always be up there for me Nidhi!" he had said. And I guess, in a way, that was the turning point for me. the point from where I started to look at things objectively without fear clouding my mind. I saw what my presence was doing to the newly wedded couple.

The next day, when Nidhi and I were in the kitchen, I made my first gesture of friendship or rather the renewal of friendship towards Ashutosh. I made his favourite dish barva baingan and served it to him and while everyone were having the lunch, I broached the subject. "Ashutosh..i want to say something. I want to thank you. for everything that you did and are doing for me. no. please let me talk. I habe begun to regain my sanity and I am beginning to realize what has been happening to me the last few weeks. I just wanted to tell you that..that..meine Jagan se shaadi karli issmien tumhaari koi galati nahi thi. It was my decision. A decision I took out of anger and in hope that it would push you into coming for me. that didn't happen and whatever happened after that..i am going to try my level best to forget and move on. Nidhi..i won't thank you. kyunki jo tumne mere liye kiya hain na..woh ek thanks se kahi zyaada hain. I would probably forever be in your debt. But its time for me to move on. Time to get a place for myself and find my feet.

That evening Ashutosh had come to my room and had given me a set of house keys. I refused but all he said was: this is your house. you bought it. after you left, I met Sandeep Bagchi and he told me everything. I won't put the whole blame on you because I was also partly to blame. I wanted that house and I told my lawyer to put more pressure on the owner to sell it never imagining that it was NIDHI I was pushing and punishing..and that in the end, it nearly cost her her father's life. this house stopped mattering to me the day Nidhi entered into my life as my wife. and I don't want something that in the end has caused her so much pain. So take it. you can stay there or you can sell it and buy a place of your own. Your choice. Good luck and take care.

He had placed the keys on the bed beside my carry on and wheeled himself out of the room. I left their house that day with the full intention of getting out of their lives. But fate once again had something else in store for me. about a week after that, I realized I was pregnant. I rushed to my psychiatrist and broke down. I don't want the baby. I don't want a living reminder of what all I went through. I want to close that chapter forever. I want termination. The doctor had sedated me and when I opened my eyes, I was looking at the concerned face of Nidhi: yeh aap kya karne jaarahi thi? Aur kyon? Mein aap ke dil ki haalat samajh sakti hoon but there is another way to look at it. bring this child into the world. If it's a girl, make sure she is strong in every way. If it's a boy, make him the complete opposite of his father..teach him to respect women. Aap jald baazi mein koi faisla mat leejiye. Lekin aap ka job hi faisla hoga hum dono aap ke saath rahenge.

That was when she realized that Ashutosh was also standing right there beside Nidhi and he had smiled and nodded his head. But from that day on, something changed. for a long time afterwards, she could not pinpoint exactly what. There was a definite softening of Ashutosh's attitude towards her which coincided with a definite distance from Nidhi. She still talked to her but there was a certain aloofness..a cold shoulder, if one could call it that. her smiles seemed more forced..less frequent. Neither Ashutosh nor Nidhi had said anything to her directly but doubts had begun to creep in. "Am I the reason behind their marital disturbance? Have I unknowingly caused a rift between them?" One day, after her appointment with the OBG at KGH, she had gone to Ashutosh's cabin and tentatively asked him about it. he had given her a typical lop sided small smile and said "nothing like that." and left it at that. gone were the days when I could push and force him to say whats on in mind. That part of our past had long since left behind by both of us. so I had kept quiet and left.

Then one night there was a loud knock on my home door and I heard Jagan's voice screaming from outside for me to open the door. Everything in me froze in horror and I had taken my phone, hid in the bathroom and called Nidhi. to this day, I have no answer as to why my call went to Nidhi and not to Ashutosh or to the police. She had told me to sit tight and that they were going to inform the police and come over right away. a few minutes..or was it hours..later, over the thundering beat of my heart, I heard the siren of the police and Ashutosh's voice and Jagan's receding threats. Once police had arrested Jagan and Ashutosh took care of the FIR, he took me to KGH because I was already in my 4^th month and was experiencing an abdominal pain. He stood outside during the check up and had stayed back in his cabin instead of going home once the OBG decided to get me admitted for an overnight observation..just in case.

Next day morning I was discharged and was just about to knock on his cabin door to thank him when I heard Anji's voice on the other side. that conversation is kind of forever etched in my brain almost verbatim.

Anji: Yeh aap kya kar rahe hain Jeejaji? This is not right. Nidhi loves kids. YOU know Nidhi loves kids. she just wants to wait for a while before having them. aur yeh baat aapko itna bura laga ki aap apne pregnant dost ke kareeb hogaye?

Ashu's shout of ANJI! had me taking a step back in startled fear

Anji: Haan. Kya galat boldiya meine Jeejaji? Is it not true? You were initially furious with your friend because she had cheated and deceived Nidhi..that she took your baba's makaan at the cost of almost Verma uncle's life. and now suddenly you are..

Ashu: aisa kuch nahi hain Anji. she is alone and pregnant. I am just helping her.

Anji: kyon? Aur koi nahi hain kya help karnekeliye? Unka bhai kahaa gaya?

Ashu: he left this country. I tried contacting him but he is not taking my calls or responding.

Anji: do you realize how much your behaviour is hurting Nidhi? people are beginning to talk Jeejaji. They are saying if Dr Ashutosh is so concerned about that child, may be its his child.

Ashu: I don't care what people say.

Anji: and Nidhi? what about her? don't you think the comments hurt her? she trusts you more than she trusts herself. That does not mean she can't feel insecure, right? That she is not scared of her husband going away from her. I know I have no right to interfere between both of you but jeejaji, today someone commented something directly on her face. She defended you and your 12 yr old friendship. Jeejaji..she is strong and stubborn does not mean she can't feel any pain. once again, I am sorry if I have spoken out of turn. Chalti hoon.

I barely had time to quickly go into another room before Ashutosh's cabin door opened and Anji had walked out. that conversation made the decision for me and I went to meet Nidhi and Ashutosh the next day evening. Their smiling glowing faces reassured me as nothing could have that irrespective of what happened in the last couple of months, things were once again back to normal for this couple. I told them that I was leaving Lucknow and shifting to Mumbai. I had applied in a corporate hospital and they wanted me to come and meet them right away. both of them initially didn't want me to go. But I told them that some breaks need to be clean..that I was leaving with the assurance that no matter what, I have two friends in my life who would be ready to help me at any point of time..that there are always things like emails and phones if ever one needed to get in touch. I hugged Nidhi, shook hands with AShutosh and left their home that evening. And I left Lucknow the next day. (She sighs and looks around) here I am! still in Mumbai..working as the Chief Surgeon in the same hospital that had called me for the interview.

"Mom! Aap soyi nahi? kya hua? Tabiyat toh teek hain na?"

She looks at her son with a contended smile on her face: kuch nahi Arjun..buss aise hi..kissi ke baare mein soch rahi thi.

Arjun walks into his mother's room: kiske baare mein?

She looks out of the window at the still dark night: I met someone yesterday in the conference. He was my classmate during my college days. Ashutosh naam hain uska. After a real long time I saw him with his family. He fell in love and married a girl 18 years younger than him.

Arjun's mouth hangs open: 18 YRS? REALLY?

His expression of fascination and horror makes her laugh: yeah. 18 yrs. but you see them today, you realize it doesn't matter. It never mattered to either of them. they have 2 kids. I saw them during the after conference dinner. Teenagers. A little younger than you. I think they are twins. A boy and a girl.

Arjun: aap ne baat nahi ki unse?

She smilingly settles down on the bed and Arjun arranges the blanket over her: no. I saw them. but they didn't see me. they have their life and we have ours. Ab tu bhi jaake sojaa beta. goodnight.

Arjun makes sure the curtains of the window are closed so that his mother can sleep peacefully for however long she wants: good night mom.