With Sona and Dev's conversations since the Mrs. Mandal fiasco, we have returned to the crucial question of apna/paraya. Love and reconciliation as a couple is still a while away, but the crucial question at this point is whether they can consider each other "apna" as Soha's parents. When they started this arrangement, with the threat of losing Soha hanging over both of their heads, they made a team and considered each other "apna" against the world. And that bond grew stronger until Dev took the fall for Mrs. M's actions and brought to light the stark differences in their thinking, and therefore the tangled, complex issues of their past.
This was such an important echo of their marriage. Dev and Sona were happiest when they were together, giving time to their relationship. In that world, they were completely "apna" to each other but the moment they stepped into the real world, and into their families, they were reminded of all the reasons they were "paraya" to each other. This is why there is such inconsistency in their behaviour. Both of them blame the other for treating them as paraya, while they fail to acknowledge how they did the same thing. And when they feel paraya-ed is when they lash out at each other, in DQ's formulation, as BD and IS.
When Dev was talking to Mrs. Mandal, Sona and the Boses were apna, which is why he refused to hear a word against them, especially Sona. This is the Dixit way. No matter what kind of bitter in-fighting you have, you do not sell your apna out to those who are not in that circle. This was no more evident than during the Bua-dadi phase, when Ishwari put aside her insecurities and defended Sona as her bahu. Sona was apna as a member of the Dixit family, but not as a member of the Dev-Ishwari relationship.
Dev displayed similar behaviour when he expressed that Sona was not allowed to speak that way about Ishwari -- yes, he knows that she is in the wrong, and has amply expressed that to Ishwari herself, but he will never reveal that to Sona, who is paraya to his and Ishwari's relationship. This is also why he can so easily acknoweldge to Suhana the reason her mother and dadu are angry with him, but refuses to share the same self-aware knowledge with Sona. Similarly, Ishwari is not apna to his and Sona's relationship anymore -- which is why he doesn't pay heed to anything negative she says about Sona (or gives it back to her) -- though she is to his and Soha's.
What is confusing to Dev, is whether Sona is apna or paraya to his relationship with Soha. His initial doubts on the matter -- thanks largely to the fact that she didn't find the courage to tell him for six years -- were cleared during the summer camp. Sona clearly showed that she wanted Dev and Soha to bond and for Soha to have her father's love and she became apna in this time. Now, with the Mandal fiasco, followed by Jatin's presence, and Sona's clear indication that she thinks she is doing Dev a favour by allowing him to spend time with Soha, Dev is once again unsure. That is what he is trying to ask her in the precap.
The issue then is that Sona has very different notions of apna and paraya. While Dev is adept at compartmentalising his relationships, and keeping track of exactly who is apna and paraya in what contexts, Sona is more all or nothing. You are either apna or paraya. She was going for all in Dixit house, and interpreted less than all as nothing. That is why Dev struggles to see her point of view; he knows Ishwari paray-ed her, but what about all the other apnapan she got, not least from him? But for Sona, until he let her into the sanctum sanctorum of apnapan -- his and Ishwari's relationship -- she felt paraya. As a result, she kept Dev paraya to her family troubles; she felt like an outsider in IN so she hesitated to make her problems Dev's problems, thinking, "if I can't be apna and help him, how can I ask him to be apna and help me?"
Now, much like Dev said, she is trying to be Dev 1.0 and compartmentalise by asserting that Dev is accepted and welcomed as apna in the capacity of Soha's father, but he is not welcome as apna in any other capacity. But Sona is not Dev, and her all or nothing attitude makes an appearance every time emotion overtakes her. At those times, she finds it difficult to remember that Dev is Soha's father. Dev is not apna for Sona the lover, and she sees that as his fault (because she was never apna for him according to her), so Dev is all apna when he is fully embodying Soha's father, and fully paraya when he oversteps those bounds.
The pesky thing is the apnapan they both still feel for each other. Dev can see that Sona is hurting, and his dil wants to help but his dimag is firmly holding him back. He also frustrates himself with his jealousy on seeing Sona and Jatin together. Sona, in crisis, instinctively reached out to Dev to deal with Bijoy when he was taking Soha to Kolkata, and in spite of herself saw the truth in his words when he told her that she had turned into Dev 1.0. She immediately wanted to deny that he could see through to the vulnerability she was trying to hide, while he angrily questioned why her proximity to Jatin had such an adverse affect on him. They shout to paraya each other, because they are trying so hard to hide that apnapan.
In summary: to give Soha the parental love she wants, and in deference to Asha's much-needed dressing down, they have to fake apnapan to hide the paraya-ness that they were using to hide the apnapan.
How I love these two maniacs! 🤣❤️
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
Udne Ki Aasha
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