FF:LL&EE Gen Leap Pt3, Pg3, 11/4

KaneBC thumbnail
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Posted: 17 years ago
#1

While writing the sequel for Life, Love And Everything Else, I thought in following the time-honoured tradition of Hindi soaps, it would be nice to have a generation leap FF. 😆 The characters of Payal and Riley are the children of Milind and Prachi in LL&EE. I thought it would be really interesting to write about two characters while linked to Milind and Prachi aren't in any way defined by the show. I only intend continuing this FF after completing the LL&EE sequel but in the mean time I would gladly appreicate your comments. I got to admit to being influenced by 'JabThey Met' and I am aiming for a similar fresh, contemporary, relatively angst free FF. 😊

Part 1

Riley woke up and groaned. Still half asleep, he stumbled to the bathroom. He was nearly done brushing his teeth before he realised, that for the first time in nearly a month he had a day off. He jumped back in bed, pulled the duvet over his head and happily went back to sleep. When he finally emerged from his bedroom, it was nearly midday. "Hey, sis.", he said as he walked out to the pool. Payal was busy looking over the Sunday papers. "Hey", she replied distractedly as she looked over the business section. "Mum phoned. Sounds like she and Dad are having a great time.", Payal told Riley as he dived into the pool. Prachi and Milind were on a two week holiday in Britain. Riley swam a lap before making his way towards Payal, who was sitting at the side of the pool with her feet dangling in the water. "Cool. I wish I was in London, there is a Spiderman convention with Stan Lee attending taking place there.", said Riley. Payal rolled her eyes, "Luckily, you specialised in pediatrics." Riley did a few backstrokes, "There is nothing wrong with reading comic books.""Except if you are 25 year old qualified doctor who goes to work in his Arsenal shirt and spends his free time time watching the Sci-Fi channel. Can you be any more of a geek.", scolded Payal. "Nerds rule!", grinned Riley.

The only problem was that Riley didn't look anything like a nerd, far from it. Except for a few notable differences, he was without a doubt Milind Mishra's son when it came to looks. He may have been clean shaven and his thick hair straighter but he was still tall, well built with dark smouldering looks that caused havoc where ever he went, that is until he opened his mouth. Then the analysis of Thierry Henry's strike rate or the dissection of the latest episode of Lost or a breakdown on who was the greatest comic book villain of all time began. It didn't take long for girls to go running to the hills after putting up with one of Riley Mishra's conversations. While Riley looked like Milind, he was far more like his uncle Bobby in disposition. He was sweet, easy going, non-judgemental and pretty guileless, which in turn made him a fanastic pediatrician. His patients though he was the coolest person they ever met with his Arsenal soccer jerseys or funky sci-fi t-shirts. He read the same comic books and watched the same programmes as them. He was as open and honest as them and he easily won their trust. Milind had been disappointed that his only son hadn't followed his footsteps into the business world but in the last 3 years Riley had won his father's utmost respect and admiration, as Milind saw how dedicated Riley was to the medical profession as he completed his internship. Anyway, Payal had more than made up for any residual regret Milind may have still have had. At 28 she looked more like her mother than ever except for her thick mane of curls. She had completed an MBA at the London School of Economics and then returned home to work at Shah Enterprises. Starting at the bottom as a junior accounts clerk, she now headed the marketing department. She was driven and focused but also firecely protective and loyal to the ones she loved. Riley just ignored her comment, she may be sharp tongued but there wasn't a child, animal or elderly person in distress, Payal could pass without taking them under her wing. She reserved her disdain for people from her own generation, especially for any guy foolish enough to look at her twice.

"Is there anything to eat?", asked Riley as he followed Payal to the kitchen. The Mishras still lived in the same house that they had for over 30 years. A comfortable middle class two storey family home. Absolutely nothing about it to suggest that they were one of the wealthiest families in Mumbai. No army of servants, nothing ostentatious or pretentious but it was the only place any of them could ever regard as home. The only change was the addition of the pool. "I think there is some left over pasta from last night.", replied Payal as she opened her laptop. "Nah, I'll get something at the hospital.", said Riley. "I thought it was your day off.", said Payal. "It is but there is this kid I want to check up on.", replied Riley. "I'm going to the movies with the cousins tonight. Wanna come along?", asked Payal. "A night out with the SMS girls? Why not? I'll meet your'll there.", said Riley as he headed back to his room.

Riley joined his sister and cousins at a coffe shop at 7pm. There was Shaina, Alaap's daughter who was 25 like Riley and 22 year old twins Kirti and Kiran, Sukriti & Saket's daughters. A second generation of Shah, Mishra & Shergill woman dubbed the SMS girls by poor Riley who's only male cousin, 18 year old Pratam, Bobby's son lived in Canada. Even Somwya who now lived in Delhi had a daughter. Payal was mother hen to the entire lot. "Oh gawd, you could have at least changed your shirt before coming here.", complained Shaina looking at Riley's tatty Battlestar Galatica t-shirt in disdain. "Don't they pay doctors?", interjected Kirti. "They do but Riley's pay goes straight to comic books and maintaining his wreck of a car.", said Payal. "Your'll are just picking on me because I'm all alone but from Wednesday my boy is back in town and then you will see.", said Riley. "Your 'boy' happens to be first and foremost our cousin.", said Kirti. "It's going to be so great to have him back.", said Kiran. "If his latest pics are anything to go by, you won't get any complaints from me.", said Shaina. "Hey, you are engaged now.", said Kiran. "A girl can still look.", protested Shaina. "It's going to be so much of fun with him around and unlike you he actually knows how to act in sophisticated company.", said Kirti glaring at Riley. "Yeah but too bad he is going to have to spend most of his time working with Payal.", said Riley. Payal had been decidedly quiet during this entire conversation. "Lucky girl.", teased Shaina. "He's a child.", said Payal dismissively. "Being 2 years younger that you, does not make him a child.", said Riley. "No but being your best friend does.", retorted Payal. "Come on, the movie is about to start.", she said as she got up from her seat, thus putting an end to all talk about Karan Shergill.

Part 2 Part 3

Edited by blackcurrant - 17 years ago

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Charmed... thumbnail
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Posted: 17 years ago
#2
BC i love you! I LOVE Riley for being an Arsenal supporter. Can you make him a Doctor Who fan as well? 😛 I thought you'd be writing this after the second one but i'm not fussed!
Monu-SunNaa thumbnail
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Posted: 17 years ago
#3
Great start BC, I see Milind and Prachi are visiting for my UK 😳 Riley reminds me of someone, anyways looking forward to the next part. Liked the interaction between the SMS girls and Riley. 😊
devilangel thumbnail
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Posted: 17 years ago
#4

Okay, so I hope you don't mind me doing a detailed analysis of your fic, but I thought it had great potential, so here I go:

Your strong points:
1. You have a good plot, its clear that you know what you're talking about.
2. You have the characters ready, you know a good way to hook your audience, you leave cliffhangers, which are all good techniques.
3. You start with a good attention getter, enough to capture your audience.
4. You're grammar and spelling is almost very good.
5.You have confidence in the tone of your fic, which is really good, since if a writer doesn't have confidence in her/his fic, it shows a lot.

Now, your only slightly weak points (aka things I didn't like *that* much)
1. It's too westernised. It's okay if you want to include London, and LSE and brand names and a modern outlook, but I think that to a point, you're overdoing it. The protagonist is calle Riley, and I'm pretty sure Milind will never name his son that. I'm also sure Michi's son will not wear a Galatica tshirt. The characters seem very OOC, and it's hard to relate or picture them.
2. You leave fragments in your work. One I can remember is "
Payal was mother hen to the entire lot". Fragments and run ons are dangerous to a fic, even though it's a little hard to notice in yours, so well done on that!
3. Your style lacks some amount of originality. A lot of it seems similar to lots of teenage novels and romance novels books..while it's not a bad thing to explore different styles, if you create one of your own (even if it's not perfect), it will be much more pleasant to read.
4. Your sentence structures are sometimes too simple. To enable some amount of complexity will help you in developing character relationships better.

So, basically, plot and structure are your really strong points, develop them and this fic will be a hit!

If you want to kill me now, you could....I just thought this fic could have great potential! Please don't be offended, my intention was NOT to hurt you, and I would love you to continue (especially since I like the plot)...and I'm eagerly waiting for the next part.
-JC- thumbnail
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Posted: 17 years ago
#5
Payal with curly hair...i am trying to imagine Panchi and curly hair. 😆 😆

Do continue. Karan Shergill...Neesha's son? You still need to explain the story behind Riley's name. I am waiting for the next part of you Sequel.
rajul19890610 thumbnail
Posted: 17 years ago
#6
hey ...grt part i m silent reader of ur ff..its superb...but i m confused 😕 wat abt PA track u started in other sequel .....u not finishing it
jyothi_cool thumbnail
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Posted: 17 years ago
#7
wow nice part but toooo westernized i hope u do not get offended any ways cont soon
Shabz. thumbnail
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Posted: 17 years ago
#8
yay, another FF and that too on riley and payal. i love riley..he seems like so much fun 😃
Edited by shabzc1 - 17 years ago
KaneBC thumbnail
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Posted: 17 years ago
#9

Part 2
"Payal, the adverts need to start airing by May.", said Ali. "There is another audition later this week. I have contacted just about every modelling agency in Mumbai. I am sure we will find the right model.", said Payal, though secretly she was far from sure. "Ok, then, so by next Monday, we should see some progress in this?", asked Ali. Payal nodded quietly. Zunaid gave her a sympathetic look from across the table. The meeting ended soon after. "Hey, sorry about Dad giving you a tough time.", said Zunaid as they walked back to their offices. "No, he is completely right, my father is going to ask me the same questions when he comes back. Everything is on track except for the advertising campaign.", said Payal fairly. "Payal, exactly what is the problem?", asked Zunaid, "How difficult is it to find a gorgeous model who is going to look like she is having a great time at a five star hotel?".

Payal knew she was the problem. Shah Enterprises were opening a chain of five star hotels in South India. This was the first major marketing campaign, Payal was heading. It was her chance to prove that she had earned her position on merit and not because she was Inder Shah's granddaughter or Milind Mishra's daughter. She had spent many long hours with an advertising agency working out a campiagn idea to her satisfaction. After all that hard work, Payal suddenly found herself unable to execute the campaign due to having not found the right model to front the campaign. Payal wanted everything to be perfect, especially the girl who was going to be the face of Shah South India Hotels. After countless auditions, Payal still could not find what she was looking for in a model. She had taken Zunaid along to auditions to provide some input but he had proved of no use. He was perfectly happy with any pretty face. Taking her cousins along had proved disasterous. They kept making catty remarks about the models. At her wits end, she had even dragged Riley to an audition. He was even worse than the others. He had slept through half of it, then had complained continuously that he was hungry and finally ended up offending a model by giving her some unsolicited advice on the dangers of smoking and how her lungs would look in 10 years time. "I need something more than gorgeous. I want someone who people can connect to. Someone who you want to root for.", explained Payal. "I'll definitely root for Deepika Padukone anyday and she is South Indian you know.", said Zunaid with a grin. "Well, if she can convincingly play a secretary, she is hired.", laughed Payal.

Meanwhile across town, at the hospital, Vani was having a career crisis of a different sort. Nine year old, Anya had been involved in an accident that had resulted in the loss of her parents and her hearing. As her hearing therapist, Vani had to set up a programme for her rehabilation. But the child was so severly traumatisied, that she had refused to make eye contact with Vani and then had started crying before she started screaming. Her aunt and uncle had looked on frustrated and the session had ended without Vani even being able to get Anya to tell her name. Vani had only started work three months ago. So far the only patients, she had dealt with, were over sixty and had accepted their gradual loss of hearing as part of life. But Vani was so distressed by her session with Anya, that she actually ventured out to the children's ward. Usually Vani stuck firmly to the audiology department. Her interactions thus far had been limited to Dr Sinha, the audiologist and and the few other staff members in her department. But her concern for Anya had actually driven her to seek Dr Mishra.

"And number seven scores!", said Riley as he put his arms up in the air and did a mini victory lap around the ward, hitting high fives all around. Vani stood heistantly at the entrance of the ward. There was a soccer net drawn on the wall of the ward. A boy of eleven was holding a soccer ball, while Dr Mishra wearing an Arsenal soccer jersey under his white coat was seemingly celebrating a goal. Riley stopped when he saw the slim girl looking uncertainly into the ward. "Vani, right?", asked Riley with a bright smile. "Yes.", replied Vani surprised as she pushed her glasses back up her nose. They had been introduced in the hallway by Dr Sinha a few weeks back but she hadn't thought he would remember. "Best of five?", asked Jitesh as he handed the ball to Riley. "No. That's enough for today.", said Riley. "You just want to keep the score one nil." complained Jitesh. "That too.", replied Riley.

"If you're busy, I'll come back.", said Vani quickly. "No, it's fine. Can I help you with something?", asked Riley. "It's about an old patient of your's, Anya, Anya Patel. She was brought here after she was involved in an accident, about three months ago.", said Vani. "I remember.", said Riley turning somber, "I treated her for a week and then she was moved to an hospital in Pune.". "So, you know she lost her hearing?", asked Vani. Riley nodded, "I followed up on her case and I was told she had recovered from all her injuries and was receiving counseling for her hearing and her parent's death. How do you know about her?". "She is back in Mumbai and I am responsible for her hearing therapy.", explained Vani. "How is that going?", asked Riley. "Not very well.", admitted Vani. "Today was our first session and she refused to make eye contact and then she started to cry.", said Vani and Riley could see she looked visibly upset. "When is your next session?", asked Riley. "Wednesday", replied Vani. "Would you mind if I'm there?", asked Riley. "No, that's what I came to ask you.", said Vani gratefully. She had been dreading approaching him but she was surprised at how easy it had been to talk to him.

"Okay, best of three.", said Jitesh approaching Riley once again. "No.", grinned Riley. "Fine but I'm not backing Arsenal anymore.", said Jitesh. "Why would you? They even got knocked out of the FA Cup.", said Vani unthinkingly. On seeing Riley and Jitesh's surprised looks, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that.", she said contritely. "You watch soccer?", asked Jitesh while Riley just looked at her. "I'm from Malaysia. Soccer is much bigger than cricket there.", said Vani with a smile. From her sneakers and bright yellow salwaar kameez to her braided hair and glasses to her Malaysian accent and interest in soccer, Riley suddenly realised Vani Perumal was like no girl he had ever met before.

Part 1Part 3

Edited by blackcurrant - 17 years ago
PourQuoi thumbnail
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Posted: 17 years ago
#10
Oh BC! wicked...wasn't expecting you to update this one but soooooooo glad you did!!

I cant believe we have Michi kids!! 😃 😆 I'm loving Payal...she'll become my Fav I can just tell...dont even know why 😳

and Love is in the airrrrr!! well will be...fingers crossed.

Cant wait for the Shergil boy to come too! should be fun!

Thank you for a great update! Cant wait for more!! 👏
Edited by zcbcc34 - 17 years ago

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