I will wrestle with and then finally put in the the link to the Links post later.
Or you can all be angels and do a username search to get to all the earlier parts.
XVIII
El Hombre
It's a strange courage
you give me ancient star:
Shine alone in the sunrise
toward which you lend no part!
& ; ; ; ;nbs p; & ; ; ;nbs p;&nbs p; & ; ; ;nbs p; &nbs p; & ; ; ;nbs p; &nbs p; Wi lliam Carlos William
23 December 2007
Delhi.
2 a.m.
How does one describe the darkness of absolute despair? How does one articulate agony? How do you measure pain?
Tears. Perhaps they are a measure of pain but the day comes when even tears dry up. Heartbreak? But despite it all the traitorous heart beats, tiredly perhaps but beat it does.
And worst of all perhaps, life goes on.
It is unbearable to realise that heartbreak and broken dreams do not affect the world we inhabit or even the expectations harboured of us.
Bani could not help but sigh wearily as her thoughts once again began to meander along the well-worn groove.
It was done. She had to learn to move on. She could not spend the rest of her life confined in seclusion, forever caught up in the past.
But it should matter more, she whispered to herself. It should matter more to the world and me. My dreams are so cruelly shattered. My heart feels like a dark bruise that goes on but with each beat measures the cost of that effort. I should look ravaged; somewhere on my body the scars should be visible. The scars that throb like living things in my mind and heart and soul. I should not look like this…. Only a little thinner than before, only a little gloss on my hair diminished, eyes only a little dimmed……..no, I should look like the women painted by Picasso, fragmented, scattered, no longer whole, their being and self disrupted…….she flung her hand on the mirror with such force that it shattered. As she looked at the myriad twisted and fragmented reflections and refractions of herself, she felt more peaceful. Now I look as I feel. She looked at the hand; blood oozed from the various cut with languorous slowness, spreading its crimson warmth across the entire hand before forming into deep, hanging teardrops, that quivered and trembled before releasing themselves to splash and shatter into a thousand small streams that lay quiescent on the floor. They fascinated her, their slow journey, their redness…….
A long time later, Bani hazily realised that she had slumped on the floor and was sitting amongst shards of glass. Her hand now rested on the floor beside her still oozing blood. A little pool had formed; blood glistened and glinted on the mirror shards and sparkled; it filled her half-closed eyes, coloured her entire world and as she closed her eyes in languorous exhaustion, crimson seemed to engulf her in a warm embrace.
When Jaya found her thus in the morning, Bani had lost hold on consciousness and maintained the most tenuous of holds on life itself.
Beyond the first scream of shock, Jaya wasted no time in hysterics or time consuming but entirely useless gestures like trying to rouse Bani. She ran out and kept running until she reached the door of another farmhouse, a neighbour of Bani's who was a doctor.
24 December.
Bani woke up feeling disoriented and groggy. The smell of disinfectant, squeaky hygiene and god alone knew what else, that was peculiar to hospitals the world over assailed her nostrils. She was in a hospital she concluded and wondered in surprise why she was in a hospital. She pressed the buzzer located within easy reach and moments later a nurse appeared. Cheerfully she helped Bani to a drink of water, plumped her pillows refused to answer a single question and bustled off, with a cheery, "now don't you worry about a thing. The doctor will be here in a jiffy."
Bani recognised him. He was Raghav Pratap Singh, and he lived in the farmhouse next to her. They had met occasionally during the annual picnic and the cocktail and dinner organised by the society of the Serenity Farmlands. A handsome man in his late 30's she remembered little about him except his name.
"Hi, I am Dr. Raghav pratap Singh," he began but Bani interrupted him, "you are also my neighbour."
"Oh, good, your memory is not affected then," he pronounced cheerfully as he picked up her right hand, which was not bandaged, and began to monitor her pulse.
Lifting her eyelids to peer under them he continued, "you are much better overall."
"What happened?" Bani asked.
Suddenly his warm brown eyes became veiled, "I was hoping to ask you that," he said slowly.
"I don't know what you mean," she said in genuine confusion.
"What's the last thing you remember?" he asked gently.
Bani frowned as she thought about it.
"Cutting my hand on the mirror. And it was bleeding," stopping short she looked at her heavily bandaged left hand, "oh, no….was it serious?"
"Well, when Jaya led me to you, I found you unconscious. You had bled a lot. A few more hours and it would have been too late."
When Bani remained silent he went on, "it seems you had managed to sever an artery."
Suddenly Bani paled as a sudden realisation hit her. "My hand," she exclaimed urgently, "will I regain full use? Will it be all right?"
He looked slightly startled at her vehemence but nonetheless answered her calmly, "yes. It will be fine. You will regain complete use. But I should tell you that were very, very lucky. You just missed a tendon. If that had been severed….. But you were lucky. Most of the gashes were superficial and the only serious one found the artery instead of a tendon."
Bani closed her eyes as a feeling of relief flooded her.
Opening her eyes she asked, "when can I go home?"
"If you promise not to strain that hand in particular and your self in general, I think we can release you today evening."
"That would be great, she said, "thank you."
"Sure."
At the doorway, he paused and with a hesitant air offered, "if you like I can give you ride home when I get off work in the evening."
"Sure, that would be very convenient. Thanks.
25 December.
Bani stood on the terrace, shivering in the cold as the first pale streaks of light ran across the sky. Slowly the darkness gave way to light; the flame gold sun rose quickly over the horizon.
As she watched the sunrise on what was her twenty eight birthday, Bani could not help remembering another birthday. Then as now, she promised herself the rising sun would be the harbinger of a fresh start. She looked at the bandaged left hand and back at the sun.
I will go on. Not because it is easy, because memory fades, or even because love is easy to forget; no; memory never fades, love lingers as hidden embers in the cold ashes and it is never easy.
No, she promised herself, I will go on for myself. I will live despite you Jai, you whom I loved. I will forget you. And I will learn to love again.
But promises are easier made than implemented and the evening found Bani in a state of dejection. It was perhaps fortunate that the bell rang then.
It was Raghav. He had stopped to check in on Bani's hand and change the dressing if needed.
The thoughtful solicitude from a relative stranger touched Bani on the raw. And when he got up to take his leave, having pronounced her hand healing well, she suddenly felt afraid of being alone.
"Would you like a …cup of tea?" she stammered.
His expression was comical, "Tea? Well only if all the coffee in the world has been drunk!"
"Coffee then," she said with inward relief.
"But I'm afraid that I have to dash home before I can take you up on your offer."
"Oh, right, I am sorry I never considered…..it's getting late. Your..your wife must be waiting.." Bani said disjointedly, feeling a little embarrassed at having displayed a need for company.
"Nope not a wife. Don't have one. My son. After 5 he stares fixedly at the gates until I drive in."
Bani smiled, at a bit of a loss for what to say.
"So I'll pop in, tuck him up in bed, and then come by, if that's all right. It will quite a bit later," he warned conscientiously.
"Why don't you bring him with you?" Bani heard the words leaving her mouth before her mind had quite processed them.
"You certain? He can be quite a handful and at a glance I'd say you are a hand short at the moment."
"Quite certain."
Bani wondered what was happening to her. She who rarely spoke to people with whom she was acquainted was inviting a near stranger to her house with his son to boot.
Jaya walked out of the kitchen with an approving smile. She and Bahadur had been watching Bani like Hawks guarding their nest ever since she had returned from the hospital.
Raghav walked in half an hour later. Holding his hand and skipping by his side was the cutest little toddler Bani had ever seen.
As soon as he saw Bani, instead of displaying the shyness common to kids upon meeting a stranger, he reached out one chubby fist and gently resting it on Bani's bandaged hand and asked solemnly, "hurt?"
Charmed, Bani answered with a smile, "yes."
The child promptly looked up at his father and directed, "fix it daddy," and then turning to Bani announced, "daddy is doctor," stumbling slightly over the last word.
Bani laughed and squatted to in order to be at his level, "yes, he has already fixed it," and then holding out her right hand introduced herself, "I am Bani."
A tiny hand was placed in hers with the utmost seriousness, "and I'm Rehan. But you can call me Rey," he added with an adorable smile.
"Uh-oh," Raghav intoned, "be warned, you have been admitted into a charmed circle of the people rey likes and woe betide anyone who ever wants to leave."
"Why would anyone ever want to leave such wonderful company," Bani asked with a smile and looking at Rey assured him, "and you can call me Bani."
"Bunny? As bugs bunny? Do you know him? I looove bugs bunny. I love you too bunny," he added, clearly in the throes of one of those very rapid likes children are prone to develop.
Hearing her name pronounced as Bunny caused Bani to still in shock. Raghav displaying both perception and sensitivity promptly distracted Rey, "wouldn't you like to go outside and play Rey? Bani has such a lovely garden. Look, there's a peacock. Why don't you go and see if you can catch a feather?"
"I'm sorry, Rey can be a bit overwhelming. And he seems to have taken one look at you and fallen in love!" Raghav joked, giving Bani to regain her composure, "not that I am disparaging of his taste, but still the speed of it worries me a little!"
Bani's smile was wobbly and it took her minute or so to regain her composure. They sat on the veranda in response to Raghav's request, since he wanted to keep an eye on Rehan. Jaya served them coffee and went back to whatever it was she was doing in the kitchen.
They sat in slinece, bani because she was a little nervous; having brazenly sought out company she was unsure of what to say. In truth she'd sought company because she did not want to be alone, when she was alone her thoughts automatically wandered to Jai……
Finally it was Raghav who broke the silence.
"you've done wonders with the garden."
"thanks."
"so how long have you been living here?"
"nearly six years. what about you?"
"ten years now. When my wife and I bought the land here there was nothing but wilderness."
Bani gave way to her curiosity, "so how long have you and your wife been married?"
"she dead. If she had been alive it would have been our eleventh year," he said evenly.
"I'm sorry," she murmured automatically.
Raghav laughed, "you know I've never quite worked out this automatic response of 'I'm sorry.' What exactly is an absolute stranger sorry for? Don't answer 'your loss,' because no other person can ever know exactly what that loss has been," the words seemed to burst out of him, and he looked away trying to school his features.
Bani remained silent, at a loss for what to say, but studied his profile. Raghav was handsome by any standards, lithely built on tall lines, his face had a chiselled perfection that would have been unreal except for the twinkle in warm, warm brown eyes and the friendly, cheerful expression he had. But now, in profile his face was chiselled stillness, perfection that was frozen. Instinctively Bani found the right words.
"no, no one can measure the loss in your terms, but they empathise by remembering their own loss."
He turned to look at her at that and it seemed that his eyes read far more than Bani would ever have cared to reveal. Finally he spoke, in far gentler tone, "love can sometimes hurt a great deal."
Tears stung Bani's eyes, "no. love always hurts," she said almost involuntarily. "it doesn't get easier with time does it?"
He took a long time before answering, "no. but you do learn to live with it, even hide it."
They both sat in silence until Rehan came back, exhausted with all the running about and rather sad that he hadn't managed to catch a peacock feather. But he had seemingly a hundred questions to ask bunny.
After half an hour or so, Raghav laughingly called the proceedings to a halt. "we have to be on our way now. come on young man, say goodnight to Bani."
Rehan clearly would have preferred to continue but he politely stood up and began to solemnly wish Bunny good night, "goo night bunny. I love your garden. Can I come again?" he said in one breathless go.
Bani grinned and found herself saying, "really you both don't have to go right now. why don't you have dinner here?" she said looking up at Raghav before looking back to Rehan and adding, "and you are welcome to come here anytime."
Raghave protested against intruding but when Jaya walked out in the middle of his protests to announce that dinner was ready and Bani restated her invitation, he gave in gracefully. Rehan's whoop of delight was a little more demonstrative.
Dinner was a pleasant meal. At the end, when the table was clear Jaya brought out dessert, a surprise for Bani. A birthday cake, lit with one candle.
Bani was as stunned as her guests, but she rose to the occasion, blowing out the candle after making a wish as stipulated by Rehan. Her breath caught in her throat as she closed her eyes to make a wish. Instinctively the word Jai formed itself in her mind, but with a sadness that seemed to radiate form her bones, she forced herself to mutter another wish, "let me find a reason to live."
"would you like another cup of coffee now?" she asked Raghav as Jaya cleared the table.
Raghav looked at her with suddenly thoughtful eyes and answered in the affirmative, much to her surprise.
Bani called out to Jaya to make the coffee. A slightly sleepy Rehan had settled in his father's lap by the time the coffee tray appeared. Bani poured the coffee, Jaya took her leave and Rehan's eyelids fell gently as he settled into sleep.
Bani sat silently.
Finally Raghav began speaking, very casually, "you know all of the other members of the society are curious about you. you never interact with any of them socially, we've never met you outside of the two annual society events."
"I guess I am not a great one for socialising," she replied comfortably.
"so," he went on half telling her, half musing out loud, "we know that she is young and beautiful, does not seem to be having a roaring social life, lives alone, is alone on her birthday two days before which she tried to commit suicide." After a slight pause, he asked, "want to explain something here?"
"I was not trying to commit suicide."
Suddenly serious he looked straight at her, "I've been a doctor for far too long you know."
"honestly, I was not trying to kill myself. I hurt my hand when I hit the mirror in anger, and then I must have passed out form the shock," she was proud of how steady her voice remained.
He looked into her face for a long minute and then giving a slight shake he changed topics.
"so what do you do for a living Bani or are you one of those lucky women who inherited a fortune?" he asked with just enough warmth and the hint of laughter to let her know he was teasing.
She smiled as she retorted, "I wish. But no, I am a painter."
"Ah ha, hence the agitation over hand. right, well I assure you your hand will be perfectly fine. Although there might be a tiny scar where I stitched the wound."
"as long as I can use my hand without a problem I'm not complaining. And thank you."
He brushed aside her thanks with charm before asking, "say, you've done the paintings hanging around here?"
"yes."
"well, they seem to be really good. At least I think so."
Bani could not help laughing, "you don't know much about art do you?"
He laughed, "does it show that obviously?"
"yes, well. There's a fortune hanging on these walls."
"really? Ok."
Putting down his coffee cup he began apropos of nothing, "you know, when my wife Sara died- it was a hit and run accident- I think I would have killed myself if didn't have Rehan to look after. There were days when even Rehan did not seem much of an incentive to go on living. But slowly he overtook my entire world and then I no longer wanted to die. But there are days when I still miss Sara. When in his smile and his eyes I see Sara." He looked into her face directly as he finished gently, "I did not register you as a suicide because that would have involved the police. I do not know what or who your 'sara' is but I do hope that you find a 'rehan' in your life. And find it soon."
The colour drained form her face but she remained silent. Raghav stood up with his son in his arms and opened his mouth to probably take his leave when she spoke in the barest whisper, "I did not try and commit suicide. It was an accident. But afterwards….i did not pass out immediately…..i sat and watched the blood drip….watched as my life bled out…..and it seemed so much easier to let it go……"her head was bowed as she trailed off.
Raghav very gently laid Rehan on the couch and then crouched in front of Bani, "I guessed along similar lines," he said as he took hold of her cold hands and waited till she gathered the courage to look into his face, which reflected compassion and gentleness.
"it's getting late. I should go now," he said without moving.
"it's my 28 th birthday today," Bani found herself saying. "I met him on the eve of my twenty first birthday…………..
Without intending to Bani found herself telling the whole story to Raghav. But being Bani she instinctively never used any names, not even the name of the city where he lived. She gave him the whole story without the particulars.
Raghav's leg muscles protested and he settled on the floor itself, not letting go of her hands. His eyes were compassionate and his silent presence comforting. In the midst of her recital Bani heard her voice and a disembodied part of her wondered in vague horror why she was telling all this to a stranger. She did not realise that she had voiced her thought aloud till he said very gently, "because you are lonely."
When she ceased speaking she felt shy in meeting his eyes, but stragely unburdened. As she finally raised her eyes, he tilted his head to one side and said, "done crying over him aren't you?"
"Yes."
"Good. That's the first step."
She should have felt more embarrassed and appalled but Raghav's matter of fact manner did not allow it. Stretching as he stood up he asked simply, "and you will be all right tonight after Rehan and I leave?"
"yes."
"good. But just in case take my number."
"I've never done this you know, opened up so quickly to a stranger……" she muttered in bemusement but as she caught his quizzical expression, which verged on the hint of laughter, she coloured and muttered a little crossly, that was different….I…eh," she stammered but he put her out of her misery.
"it's o Bani. we all need a friend now and then. And who knows," he said suddenly assuming a deep voice, "this could be the start of beautiful friendship."
Bani laughed, "not if your imitation of Bogart is always this bad!" he teased, "besides Bogey never said that line."
"and here I thought my Bogey voice was my secret charm," he mourned.
"live and learn Rahgav," she said with a smile before turning serious, "but thank you. it was …..good not to be alone today."
31 December, 2007.
Mumbai
Jai ushered in the new year in the dark solitude of his bedroom. He sat on the balcony, sipping whiskey while he listened to the sublime precision of Bach's quest and he remembered the two women who had marked his adult life and experience so indelibly. His angel and Bani. A part of him was surprised at his bracketing of these two women together. But only a part.
It well after midnight when the soft burr of his cell phone woke him up from the light sleep he had fallen into while still seated out on the balcony.
"happy new year Jai," a familiar voice said gently.
"what's so bloody happy about it?" Jai asked without heat.
"now there's a question!" she said with a soft laugh. "let's see …..it's a new start, a chance to begin again, to undo our maistakes."
Jai remained silent and sigh whispered down the line.
"Stop being so stubborn Jai. It's all right to admit a mistake. You are human, you know. Just like the rest of us."
"Roshni, did you call me up to list my mistakes?" Jai asked in a flat voice.
"No. actually I called because I had a feeling that you were alone and hurting. And I thought I'd be a friend." There was a pause. "if that's all right with you," she finished with discernible hesitance in her voice.
When the silence had stretched Roshni regretfully said, "I'm sorry. I think I was presuming. Good night."
"No, wait. Don't hang up. Uh..I am sorry for being rude. If the offer is still open, I could do with a friend."
"well all right then."
As she wished him good bye he spoke again, "would like to have dinner with me sometime?" Jai asked.
"Okay."
"How about now?"
"Now?" she squeaked in surprise.
"I forgot, you must be at a party," Jai said.
"well, yes, but I think I am ready to call it quits anyway. So, where do you want to meet?"
"why don't you come on over to my home?" Jai asked.
"ok."
Delhi.
Bani's new year was ushered in with a very sticky kiss. Rehan had chocolate smeared all over his face. He had dived into the chocolate cake with gusto the moment his father finished wiping his face. Raghav groaned, "all that sugar! He's hyperactive enough with out it." They were sitting in his house. The invitation to usher in the new year with them had been delivered with persistence and beguiling charm by Rehan, who wanted to experience staying awake way past his bedtime. The determined young man had gone the distance of cutting short his play time and taking a longer than usual nap so he could be "all growned up and stay awake at night." He simply adored Bani's present, the water colour of Bugs Bunny that had graced her living room wall a few hours previously.
Raghav had protested, Bani had told him that she painted under the name of Sarawati and even his art blind self was familiar with her reputation and worth.
"Don't be silly Raghav. It's my painting and for me it's worth is less than your and Rehan's friendship," then she added with a mischevious smile, "besides it's Rey's gift, not yours, so not your decision."
Bani no longer found it strange that she felt so comfortable with Raghav. They had in the short space of five days become better friends that most people do in a lifetime. Perhaps, Bani had concluded, they both understood the depth of each other's loss, perhaps because they were both in love with their memories.
Mumbai.
Jai was glad that he had impulsively invited Roshni over for a late dinner. It was the first time he was meeting her since that night. She seemed more beautiful that she ahd in the past, possibly because she seemed more at peace he concluded. To their mutual delight both discovered that now that she was no longer chasing him and he was no longer trying to avoid the trap they got along well, as friends. Maybe because he has seen the worst of me Roshni concluded, and I can let go of him because I can accept the fact that he will never love me, or even want me the way he does Bani.
Abruptly she spoke, breaking the comfortable silence they were ensconced in as they sipped post- prandial liquer, "would it be so hard to go and apologise to her?"
"I do not want to discuss it," he said curtly, his face expressionless.
Roshni sighed but gave up. For now.
"can I ask you something else?"
"what?" he asked warily.
"no, don't worry. Not about Bani. I want to ask something that has intrigued me for a very long time. That night, six, no seven now, years ago why did the sight of that flower in my hair affect you so much?"
Jai stayed quiet for so long, moodily staring into his drink that she feared he did not mean to answer her. and then abruptly he answered, "poinsettia. It's not even a flower you know, not technically atleast. It's..it's her flower though. When I met her the chaple was decorated with poinsettia's and when she left me, she left behind a freshly plucked poinsettia…."
"who?"
"angel…….that's what I call her. I never did get her name," he sipped his drink before continuing, "isn't it strange that you never know when you've hit jackpot, when you don't expect it and certainly not while you can still do something about it…..you only realise it when it's too bloody late."
"where did you meet her?"
"in the cllege chapel. On a dark, dark night……….and my life has never been the same….
There seemed to nothing more to say so Roshni held her peace and then departed soon after.
XIX
APRIL is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain.
Winter kept us warm, covering
Earth in forgetful snow, feeding
A little life with dried tubers……
The Wasteland
T.S.Eliot
January, 2008.
Anger cooled, the sense of betrayal lessened, rationality re-asserted itself and Jai found himself left with an aching sense of loss. How can I miss someone I spent so little time with, he asked himself in bewilderment. Bani was gone; he had all but physically thrown her out of the house. But something lingered on, reminding him of her; everytime he walked into th house in the evening there was no Bani emerging from his mother's puja room. The gay profusion of flowers that had begun gracing nearly all the rooms in the house were no longer there. The moon waned till there was only darkness as he sat out on the balcony. His bed seemed too big and the bathroom counters seemed bare. The bedroom was always impeccably ordered, he missed the carelessly tossed dupatta on the armchair; the clutter of a drawing book on the study table, the abandoned shoes by the bedside……..he missed her.
The bandage came off but a thin scar remained. When she started to paint again she found that apart form the scar there was no difference in her left hand. but there was a subtle difference in her work. The half finished canvas in front of her spoke no longer of a "pre-lapsarian nostalgia." Instead there was a ripeness to her work. The colours she found herself using were deeper, richer, more lush than ever. The first painting she painted after her hand was usuable was an exorcism. She painted 'Jannat,' Jai's house; painted it as the house of her dreams, as the fulfilment of countless hopes; it seemed to come alive, warmly inviting in the pale winter sun, a blooming riot of flowers cascaded over it, beyond the house the distant horizon was disturbingly shadowed but the house in the painting was basking in the warmth of remembered love. Bani painted in a frenzy. It was as if she could not allow herself to stop until she had finished it. As she stood back and took a look at the completed painting, paint still wet, her eyes misted with tears.
Rano and Tarun returned form her honeymoon and despite all her protests came to visit Bani in delhi.
Having spoken to everyone who had had even a passing aqqaintance with Bani, Maasi finally decided to speak with Jigyasa. Maasi and Jigyasa did nt enjoy a very close relationship. Complete opposites in their views and convictions the glue holding their relationship together was their love for Jai. Jigyasa was as perturbed as Maasi at Jai's friendship with Roshni. That, they both had hoped was a closed book. And here she was, seemingl waltzing right back into Jai's life. And Jai himself worried them. They had never seen him this closemouthed before. Maasi deeply regretted the fact that she had been unable to meet with Bani herself. A thoughtful Jigyasa found herself evaluating Bani in an entirely new light after her departure. But to what avail were Maasi and Jigyasa's re-evaluation of Bani when Jai refused point blank to discuss her at all. In desperation they turned to Rano. But Rano, appalled at the callouseness of Jai's behaviour and shaken at the state she found Bani in refused to engage with them in the issue at all.
"par beta," remonstrated Maasi.
"Par kya? Aap logon ko ehsaas bhi nahin hai ki Bani ki kya halat hai" Rano asked in anger.
"ham samajh sakte hain beta," Maasi said soothingly, "Jai bhi ussi halat se guzar raha hai… who dono ek dusre se bahut pyar karte hain."
Rano heard her out in mounting anger, "accha, if Jai is suffering even half as much as Bani is then I'm glad," she said angrily, "infact I'm going to the mandir and main bhagwan se yahi mangongi ki unhe bhe utna hi dard ho jitna Bani ko hai."
Jigyaysa tried, "but wouldn't it be better to re-unite them?"
"Re-unite them?" Rano said in disbelief and then completely lost her temper, "he THREW her out! Without listening to a word she said. He called her a ..a whore. And you want to reunite her with him? she begged him to listen. And she almost died. Reunite them? Bani ne aapka kya bigada hai? Aap dono kya usse mar kar hi khush honge?"
Maasi and Jigyasa stilled in appalled silence. They had pieced together enough to know that Jai had behaved badly, but this badly was news to them. And Bani had nearly died? My God, both them echoed silently exchanging glances with each other. They had to accept that Rano would not divulge Bani's whereabouts to them. And neither would she help them.
"Jai?" Maasi called out, to get his attention.
"Ji?" he asked swivelling around from where he was longing against the railing staring at the distant sea.
"kya tumhe pata hi?"
"kya pata hai?"
"that Bani nearly died?"
He straightened with shock etched on his face, "what?"
Maasi felt a smidgen of satisfaction at his obvious shock, so he still cared, more than he was willing to admit, she told herself.
"Rano mentioned it. I don't think she meant to," Maasi went on in an evaluative tone, "but she was too angry to realise it. So, you don't know anything about it?"
"No." and then after a moment he said as if the words were being dragged out of him unwillingly, "what happened? …is…is..she ok?"
"I have no idea. Rano refused to say another word."
Seeing the tense set of his shoulders and his white knuckled grip on the railing, Maasi left without another word.
"So?" asked her co-conspirator with barely concealed impatience.
"I think he was shocked," Maasi told Jigyasa with satisfaction.
Bani took a deep breath and began drawing the outline on a canvas. She paused occasionally to refer to her sketch book. At the end of two days the pencil outline was rendered to her satisfaction. Now for the real work. She felt a sense of trepidation as she stood in front of the canvas, palette in hand. squaring her shoulders she dipped her brush in the paint and began. She found it peaceful to work. It occupied her to an extent that made it possible to forget about other things for a while. She lost track of time. She barricaded herself behind her work. Her only breaks were Raghav and Rey. Breaks that allowed her to feel that there was a semblance of normality to her life. Invariably their evenings were spent together. Either at his house or her's.
Past the first shock Jai found it easier to relegate Bani to the recesses of his brain, especially when he was immersed in work. But at night she returned unfailingly to haunt him. He found himself spending more and more time with Roshni. Who, whatever her faults proved a better friend and companion than he would have ever guessed. After the first few attempts, which he rebuffed with increasing curtness, she stopped broaching the subject of Bani.
The Passage of Time…….
Slowly but steadfastly time moved on. So did to all intents and purposes Jai and Bani, for whom time itself seemed at one point to have stalled. And as time cast its web, hearts hardened, memory became more precious and half acknowledged regrets were stifled with greater success. The cold clarity of January gave way to the softer cold of February. The flame of the forest trees in Bani's gardens burst into spectacular colour, flowers covered the bare branches like so many tongues of flames. March brought with it heat. And bones and hearts that had felt frozen forever began to thaw and breathe again. And then came april.
Rey celebrated his fifth birthday with gusto in the gardens of Bani's house. Jai's airline, so recently aqquired began to show its first profit.
As the airline was up and running, its initial teething problems solved, Jai found himself at a loss. His business was too well organised and regulated to need his constant supervision to the extent that he could spend his entire time in the office. He needed to start a new project, immerse himself in the complications and the hundered and one problems that attended the beginning of each new venture. He decided to rectify a long continued lapse; to build a hotel in Delhi, the only metro where the Walia group did not own a hotel. If deep down his heart posited a different reason for building a hotel in Delhi, his brain was stubborn enough to ignore it.
Jai Walia's arrival in Delhi and the details of his impending project made headlines, as was usual. Bani found herself simultaneously terrified and hopeful. April gave way to the scorching heat of May. The tabloids reported on their rather frequebt sightings of Jai Walia in the company of Roshni Chopra. Bani grimaced and then tried to quench the piercing stab of pain that went right through her everytime she saw a picture of them together. By June she had had enough. It was more than she could endure. Raghav concurred both as a friend and as a doctor. By now he was privy to the details, not because he had asked or pried but because Bani found the control of a lifetime deserting her and her hands trembling and eyes tearing whenever she was confronted with a picture of Jai, either on the T.V. or in the newspapers.
In the end there was only one thing to do and she did it. She fled from delhi. She needed a break, she told herself. She needed to calm down was Raghav's medical opinion. Somewhere in the hills she decided. And then, for the first time in her life found the prospect of travelling alone, of being alone painful. Jai she cried in her head, what have you done to me, a few days with you and suddenly the habits of a lifetime chafe at me, suddenly I realise the need for companionship, for a partner; the solitude frightens me, because when I am alone, I am no longer alone.You haunt me.
Jai found it strange to be in Delhi. Bani was here a small treacherous voice inside of him would whisper, late at night when despite the punishing work schedule he found himself unable to sleep. After a long time he once again fell into the habit of going to bed only after drinking copious quantities of whiskey. The last time his angel had saved him, this time round, except that this time around there seemed to be no angel appearing to his rescue.
Jai gave in, something of a momentous first in his life. As he drove upto to Bani's farmhouse, he told himself he was just going to check on her, to find out that she was indeed allright. The searing afternoon heat of June in delhi had given way to the marginal relief afforded by the approach of sunset. As Jai opened the gates and walked the path that led to the front of the house he could smell the heady perfume of wet earth. He turned the corner and stood still in surprise. A small child was romping and playing delightedly amid the sprinklers spewing water. And on the steps of the verandah a man stood watching him, smiling at the child's antics.
Jai stood still in uncharacteristic indecision. And then the choice was no longer his because the child saw and a moment later, following the child's stillness and gaze the man also turned.
After looking at him for a moment the man stepped down and came towards Jai.
"Hello. I am Raghav," he said with easy charm, a charm that was at odds with the watchful expression on his face.
"Jai," he managed to say as he held out his hand. who the hell was he and what was he doing here, Jai wondered in his mind. And where was Bani?
"I am looking for …." Jai began only to interrupted by Raghav, "Bani of course, since this is her house. I'm a neighbour. And this is my son," he added as a wet Rey joined them, curious about this stranger.
"where is she?" Jai asked curtly.
"away. I'm afraid your timing is a little off," Raghav said with such a bland face that Jai could not help wondering what exactly Raghav was referring to.
"Right," he said even more curtly, "I'll be off then."
But before he could turn and leave, Raghav spoke again, "she'll be back in a month. She needed a vacation to er…recharge herself. I'll tell her you came."
"recharge?" Jai found himself asking.
"as a friend I thought she needed a break……as her doctor I considered it imperative that Bani heal her …er spirit."
A sudden feeling of relief flooded Jai's being. He was her doctor. Doctor's did not get involved with their patients, did they? Weren't there laws against such things?
"so what are you doing here?" he nonetheless asked suspiciously.
"just checking in, keeping a watch over the house and letting Rey have his daily dose of playing in his favourite play ground, Bani's gardens."
"I see. Well thank you. and uh..nice meeting you," Jai added politely, suddenly finding it easier to be polite to this man.
"aren't you even going to ask whether Bani was ill? Why she needed a break?" Raghav asked in a deceptively casual voice.
Before Jai could say anything Rey piped in, his wandering attention having been caught by the name of one of his most favourite people in the world. "Bunny is ill?" he asked his dad worriedly. Raghav turned to his son and soothed his fears, "no,no she is absolutely fine. She's just gone on a holiday. Remember, we talked about it?"
As he finished re-assuring Rey, Jai spoke up in a clipped voice that betrayed the depth of his anger, "whatever it was, I am sure she has already gotten over it. Or she wouldn't be off on a holiday." And then turned and left before the rather stunned Raghav could say anything.
And this was the man she was head over heels in love with, Raghav thought. It's hard to associate tenderness or gentleness with this man, yet some spark of it there must have been for Bani to fall in love with him to the extent that she did. That he can be callous, cruel even is not hard to imagine.
What bloody right did that Raghav have to speak to him like that, Jai brooded in smouldering anger. Who the hell did he think he was? What gave him the right? Ann then his step faltered….Bani. Had she given him that right? Is that where Raghav's attitude stemmed from? The thought was strangely unsettling even as Jai told himself that he did not care. Could not care less about what Bani did with her life. It was not his concern. And he was the better off for it. He had only come here to check on her. she had nearly died and that he would not wish on her, not even on his worst enemy, Jai assured himself. It was just a courtesy call, he told himself.
He never bothered to remember that courtesy was not something that had marked his expulsion of Bani from his life.
XX
I WILL arise and go now, and go to Innisfree,
………….
And I shall have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow,
Dropping from the veils of the morning to where the cricket sings;
There midnight 's all a-glimmer, and noon a purple glow,
And evening full of the linnet's wings.
………..
The Lake Isle of Innisfree
W.B.Yeats
The mountains were magical. Breathing in the cold, crisp air Bani felt as if her very soul was being invigorated. It had been a good decision. For the first time in a long while she was managing to sleep the night through and actually feel refreshed when she woke up instead of the sluggishness that had become all too familiar. She was yet to regain the weight she had lost but at least she had seemed to have stopped losing any more of it. But most of all she had begun to tentatively think of a life beyond Jai.
As the night fell, she sat on the veranda of her cottage and listened to the sounds of nature settling in; in a few minutes she would arise and walk over to the main house and have dinner. The boutique hotel she had booked herself in was hideously expensive, she had balked when she had found out the cost; despite being well able to afford, Bani was not extravagant with money, an ingrained bit of caution that came, she supposed from having no one to turn to in times of need. But Raghav had recommended the "Mountain Mist View Resorts" in Almora very highly and insisted that it was the perfect place for her to go. She was glad she had listened to him about this amongst other things. Come to think of it, she told herself with a tiny laugh, she seemed to be doing a lot of that lately. Some good had come out of all that pain, a friendship that had probably saved her life at the least and her sanity as well in all probability.
Dinner was a pleasant meal, she shared her's with a couple of tourists from America. True to type the boutique hotel cum spa was designed to host a small number of people in an intimate yet private setting where the guests could choose the level of their interaction with fellow guests. Accomodation was available in the form of tiny cottages that ranged from one bedroom to four bedrooms, meals and all the spa facilities could be availed in the privacy of the cottages themselves if one was so inclined. Bani had spent nearly a week doing that before venturing out to mingle with people.
The phone rang as she unlocked the cottage and walked back into the sitting room. She caught it on its umpteenth ring. It had to be either Raghav or Rano. They were the only ones who knew where she was. Bani's hand was shaking slightly when she put the phone down. Jai had come to visit and then said what he did……….Bani tried to understand what it meant, to decipher the contradictions of his visit and his words…..she felt her head spin physically….and eventually she just gave up and went for a long walk instead.
It was cold in the mountains and in her haste she had forgotten to put on anything warmer than the flimsy wrap, which had been more than sufficient in the heated main house and her cottage. But out here, in the wooded path she found herself shivering. Still she walked till her legs ached and she was sure that she was so tired that as soon as head hit the pillow she would fall off to sleep from sheer exhaustion and not stay awake to be haunted by a pair of black eyes…..
She woke up the next morning with a mild cold. Which she ignored. And with a decision about Jai's unexpected visit. She was done, she told herself. She was through with Jai. She was not going to go down that path. She was suddenly beyond glad that she had not been in delhi when he had chosen to visit. Being done with him when she was some 600 miles away from the sight and sound of him was a hell of lot easier than when she was face to face with him.
She spent the day working on the series of illustrations for a childern's book that she had been commissioned for. It was pleasant work, which she enjoyed tremendously, delicate, made to scale water colours of a little boy and his dog as they sampled the sorrows and delights of the oustside world for the first time. She had nearly completed all the illustrations, just two more left. And then she could spend her entire time sketching; the surrounding countryside here had proven a treasure house and she was artistically inspired. She had already done the preliminary sketch work for nearly six canvanses, and that was a lot of paintings.
As her two week sojourn ended Bani was strangely loth to return to Delhi. The calm tranquillity, the moody blueness of the mountains in the late evenings, the green solitude of the deodhar forest all made her reluctant to leave this paradise.
"So stay, stay for as long as you like," was Rano's advise on the phone. "And take something for that cold which has has you snivelling all the time," she added in exasperation. "Sometimes I think you are totally useless. Stop taking your health so lightly. Have you put on some weight?" she asked worriedly.
Bani sniffled before retorting, " I'm fine, stop being a hypochondriac over the phone Rano! It's just a cold. I'm fine."
Bani felt wickedly decadent as she gave in, she was not used to pampering her whims. I need to learn to do this more she decided as she couriered the completed illustrations to her agent in Delhi form the ever helpful office of the resort. And then set about extending her stay for another two weeks.
Raghav was happy to hear that she had decided to extend her stay.
"do you good," he said laconically. "better if you put on some weight too," he added.
"have you and Rano been speaking to each other? You sound like two versions of the same boring song!" Bani teased.
"Nope, but great minds tend to think alike," he retorted. "But seriously, write down the name of the medicines and take them. Your immune system is not strong enough to handle even a cold all by itself."
Grumbling about mother hens and hypochondriacs Bani took down the names. And then spoke to Rey, who was sad that he wouldn't see his Bunny but excited because he was going off on his annual vacation with his father and grandparents.
"I might be unreachable for the next three weeks," Raghav told her when Rey had finished sending Bunny his umpteenth kiss over the phone, " my parents and I are taking Rey on a camping trip. Will you be allright?
"yes I will. honestly between you and Rano, I feel about as capable of looking after myself as a child!" Bani muttered feelingly.
"No, no, children are healthier and smarter by far!" Raghav assured her in a bland voice before giving in to laughter upon hearing the restrained swear words Bani indulged in.
In his mind Jai returned to the farmhouse many times. It was as if that one visit had released the memories he had so successfully relegated to the back of his mind. His mood became blacker and his temper, which had always been subjected to the most rigid of controls, became far more volatile. His employess in Delhi began to tiptoe around him, doing their best to be near invisible around him in order to avoid incurring his wrath. The contractor morosely cofided his desire to run away to the architect who kept wishing Mr.Walia did not want to personally supervise the Delhi project.
Ranveer was shocked at the change in Jai when he arrived in Delhi to join the project. But much as he tried he could find neither the courage nor the opportunity to bring up name he most wanted to. Jai could be and was indeed at the moment rather forbidding and only a fool would deliberately direct that ice cold fire upon himself.
Two days later, just as monsoons descended upon North India; startling everone by appearing on schedule, but most of all the meterological department, which had predicted their appearance on schedule; Nachiket too arrived in Delhi. He was returning from Nainital where he had gone to personally oversee some aspects of the "Mountain Mist View Resorts." Ranveer and he had taken the reponsibilty entrusted to them very seriously indeed.
I seem to be breaking a lot of my own rules, Jai decided as he drove to the Sujjan Singh residential flats. In eight years he had never set foot here. Even though he had overseen all the paperwork that had to be dealt with after the death of his father. This was the house where his father's other life had been located, where Nachiket had grown up. Tough as the decision had been, Jai had not given in to his first impulse and sold off flat and all its contents. Instead he had held them in trust, for his half brother, Nachiket. In his will, Uday had bequeathed everything to Jai, leaving only generous trust funds for Jigyasa and his illegitimate son. But Jai had felt unable to deprive Nachiket of his rightful legacy, of his memories. And so Nachiket had been gifted the deed to the house and all its contents on his twenty first birthday. And Ranveer made free and frequent use of the house whenever he was in town. Nachiket had often invited Jai to make free use of the house too but Jai had always declined. And had never even visited it. Until now.
It was at once a trip back in time to very unpleasant memories and an exorcism, a final slaying of the ghosts that had so plagued Jai in their dim, shadowy way. It was a home, like any other, and judging by the lingering memories and atmosphere, a pleasant, happy home. It was disconcerting to see pictures of his father with another woman instead of his mother. But it was also easy to see that the Uday Walia in thses pictures displayed a contentment and ease of expression that was present in none of the pictures of him and Krishna Walia. There he had been reserved and dignified, his glance as it rested on his wife full of affection and even respect but never love.
Dinner was long over when Jai and Nachiket were seated with snifters of brandy. Ranveer was inside talking on the phone. A comfortable silence lay between the two brothers. Finally, hesitanty Nachiket broke it.
"Bhai, if you don't mind can I ask you something?"
"anything."
"why didn't you just walk away from me all those years ago? it can't have been easy. I mean it took you nearly eight years to walk into this house. Oh and thank you for both, keeping it for me and finally coming here today."
Jai took so long in answering that Nachiket assumed that he wouldn't answer at all, and embarrassed at having embarrassed his brother got up on the pretext of getting a refill, intending to give Jai a moment alone.
It was then that Jai spoke. "it's really simple Nachiket. I realised that I could not punish you for the sins of our father.
Believe me when I say that it wasn't easy. That all I wanted when I saw you in that hospital room was to pretend that I had nothing to do with you……" Jai fell silent, as if reliving that moment.
"then why didn't you?" Nachiket prompted softly.
"because of someone I met. She taught me the value of giving love a chance…….she showed me just how lonely loneliness could be….." Jai said softly, his gaze turned inward, as if he was seeing not Nachiket but that lonely girl who had seemed to have nothing left in the world…….and yet had helped him find his world….
And then as if returning to the present he looked up at Nachiket, "and then I came to see you again. I realised that our had parents made their choice, for better or worse, and now it was our turn. Your and mine, except that you weren't in any condition to make any choice that day in the hospital. But I was. And the choice was simple: I could gain a brother or live with the bitterness of what our parents had done."
As Nachiket looked at Jai he remembered that day. It was the second time that Jai had come to visit him in the hospital. This time he had been a little more lucid, and Jai seemed to look at him without hatred. All his life, Nachiket Singh, had looked upto the image of his half brother whom he had never had the chance to meet. But the first time he had seen Jai he had shrunk back from the loathing and hatred visible on Jai's face, strong enough to be visible enough to a groggy and medicated Nachiket.
Not this time though.Jai had looked at him openly, without any hatred or anger and simply said, "I am Jai, your older brother. The doctors are willing to discharge you provided you get looked after. I will look after you."And then held out his hand, "let's go home Nachiket." And Nachiket, had held on to that hand and found himself sobbing, before long in the arms of his elder half- brother.
In the way men have, Jai and Nachiket exchanged a glance that substituted for the physicality of a hug.
Finally Ranveer, who had been standing in the shadows for a long time asked softly, "who was she?"
"she was ……my guardian angel," Jai said simply.
A moment of silence fell, peaceful silence. And then Jai got up and stretched, "arre, what's with this maudlin nonsense tonight? Nachiket, this was and will always be your house. You have as much right to your parents as I have to mine. And Ranveer, eavesdropping is an awful habit."
Both the boys grinned at him unrepentantly, "we have a plan," they chorused.
Jai groaned, "spare me. Please. The last time I got involved in one of your plans it entailed bailing you idiots out of a police station at 3 in the morning and apologising to irate parents, a college principal and a girl's hostel warden, the memory of whose dressing gown still gives me nightmares and a lecture from both Jigyasa and Maasi!"
"yeah, that was a fun prank, wasn't it?" Nachiket grinned at Ranveer.
"so totally worth it," agreed Ranveer.
"I am glad you think so, but allow me to differ," Jai said caustically.
Nchiket: "well, what we propose is that you have some mercy…."
Ranveer: "the delhi employess of Walia Inc. are on the verge of a breakdown…"
N: "they have started believing in God…."
R: "they pray daily to him to put you in a good mood……"
N: "we have decided to answer their prayers…."
R: "they are going to get a much needed respite from you…."
N: "because you are going to disappear for two weeks…."
Jai looked at them blandly, controlling his laughter at this well rehearsed chorus, "I am, am I ?"
R: " oh yes, because if you don't the contractor will run away, the architect will have a nervous breakdown and our employess will all get ulcers…."
N: "consider the money we are saving you in medical bills…."
Jai started laughing, "just how long have you two been planning this?"
R: "it's actually a very spur of the moment thing…."
N: "and we have just the place for you…."
R: "which by the way will allow you to appreciate what a good job we two have been doing…."
"I knew that your concern could not be entirely altruistic," Jai said with mock solemnity.
N: "alas, our motives are being doubted…."
R: "but we will ignore such aspersions…."
N: "and help you get packed so that tomorrow morning you will be in car heading for a lovely cottage in Almora at the superbly managed , by us, resort called "Mountain Mist View."
R: " and we, two very capable young men will take care of everything in delhi…"
And much to his surprise, and the eternal gratitude of all those who were working with Jai in delhi, Jai found himself doing just that.
As Nachiket and Ranveer saw him off, they talked amongst themselves.
"you're sure she will still be there?" Ranveer asked.
"Absolutely, I confirmed her booking for another two weeks. And no, before you ask, she does not know that she is in a Walia resort. And she did not see me. I made damn sure that I never visited that resort personally."
"I just hope Mamaji does not kill us when he returns," Ranveer said gloomily.
"You know, you worry too much. Relax, it'll be fine."
"yeah that's what you said just before the Principal called the police to have us arrested," Ranveer reminded him.
"yes, well, there is that," Nachiket conceded, "but…it's worth the chance isn't it?"
"Absolutely," Ranveer said with finality.
Anupamaa
