Part IX- C
Seven Years Ago- 1999.
Christmas Eve.
Delhi
It lies not in our power to love or hate, For will in us is overruled by fate…… ……The reason no man knows; let it suffice What we behold is censured by our eyes. Where both deliberate, the love is slight: Who ever loved, that loved not at first sight?It Lies Not In Our Power….
by Christopher Marlowe
The chapel was only half full. Carefully avoiding eye contact with anyone who might recognise her, Bani made her way to the darkest corner, huddling in her flimsy silk dupatta. She chose to sit near the alcove, right next to the tall stained glass window, grateful that the chapel decor, which consisted of no electric lights; only thick white candles placed in saucers along with poinsettia flowers and green leaves, placed along walls of the tiny chapel; meant that the light was far too dim for anyone to notice the deathly pale pallor of her skin.
The service soothed her, allowed her to impose a measure of control over herself, long enough for her to process what had just happened. As the service came to a close with its traditional rendering of Bach's glorious composition, the truth hit Bani hard. She had, when confronted with such an ugly truth, run here, to college, not to her father or even the comforting maternal warmth of Mrs. Shastri.
She had chosen to run here, where she had spent some of the happiest years of her life, and because she had nowhere else.
Papa had always preferred Pia. He had always looked upon Bani as an aberration. And for all that she called Mrs. Shastri Mamma, Bani knew that she could not be her mother, try as she might. For the first time, Bani felt abandoned, alone, and as the harshness of that lonely state hit her, she finally found it impossible to stem the slow tears that spilled over from her eyes.
As the soft strains of the Bach's "jesu, joy of man's desiring" lingered and then softly dissipated, the congregation stood up. The choir filed out in an orderly queue, followed by the rest of the congregation. The chapel was empty, save two people, seated far apart.
Thinking herself alone in the dim, candle lit interior of the chapel, the girl allowed the iron control she had held herself in to waver and then finally break.
The sound of harsh sobbing, interspersed with gulping breaths; a vain effort to control the crying; broke into the bitter reverie the man was indulging in. For a moment the man was tempted to quietly slip out of the chapel door, near which he was seated. The female was sitting well towards the front. She probably had not even realised there was someone still seated in the back. He got up to leave unobtrusively. He had lingered on here to try to find some solace for his own pain. He was in no mood to deal with another's agony.
He gave in to his impulse and stepped out of the chapel; and paused to light a cigarette. As he was smoking it in a cold but quiet contemplation of the night stars which had begun to appear on the horizon, the cantankerous caretaker made his was towards the chapel to lock it. Mr.Philips was a nasty, sly sort of man whom Jai remembered very well from his own college days.
As he crossed Jai on the path, Jai came to a sudden decision. Calling out to Mr.philips, Jai convinced him that he wanted to go back and pray alone in the chapel yet and that he would take the responsibility of locking the chapel and delivering the key to the Reverend. Suspicious at first he capitulated upon being informed that Jai was staying at the college guest house.
After his departure, Jai finally turned and made his way back into the chapel.
Huddled near a window, clad only in a salwar kammez, with a thin dupatta as her only protection from the elements, she was still sobbing out loud.
Since he had been unable to hand her over to the not so very tender mercies of Mr.Philips, he might as well and do the job fully, Jai decided tiredly as he made his way over to her.
At a loss for attracting her notice after two soft, 'excuse me miss' went unheard, he reached a hand out.
In the midst of her unrestrained out pouring, a hand descended upon her shoulder.
Sheer shock gave way immediately to acute embarrassment. After a fleeting glance, which only allowed the impression of tall, lithe man, she shrugged the hand off her shoulder, and turned her face towards the window.
A face bathed in shadows turned towards him for an instant, with the candle behind her shining in his eyes he could not make out her face, only its indistinct form, and then it turned away in clear dismissal of his presence.
A deep masculine voice asked impatiently, "are you allright?"
The incongruity of that question and the persistence of the intruder, despite her clear indication that she wished to be alone, made her retort waspishly, "Do I look all right to you?"
The spirited retort amused him.
"Well…..lets see," the voice drawled in contemplation, "you are crying. All alone. Shivering. So at a guess, no, you're not allright."
"I am not shivering," she sniffled and said resentfully.
The very unflattering sniffle and the sulky tone tugged at his heart, reminding him of his 11 year old niece, Anu.
"You will in just a minute now that I've reminded you about the cold," the deep voice assured her tranquilly.
As if on cue, the cold suddenly chilled her to the bone and she shivered automatically.
"there you go," the infuriating voice stated smugly.
Irritated, Bani snapped, "what are you, Sherlock Holmes reborn as an astrologist?" without looking at him. "Why don't you go away and leave me alone?" she added.
"is this a trick question?" he asked, sounding puzzled.
"what do you mean?"
"do really want me to leave or is this the usual feminine question, where the obvious answer is always the wrong one?"
"not a trick question. I just want you to leave me alone."
Jai grinned, this was a rather familiar routine for him when cajoling Anu out of the sullens.
"allright." And accompanying that one word was the rustle of movement and then the sounds of footsteps.
Bani gasped and whirled around, he'd actually just left?
"As I said, trick question," the voice drawled again, with barely contained laughter.
Turning, she located him, standing near the pew behind hers. And caught her breath as she took in his appearance. The candlelight illuminated his face, bathing it in a warm golden glow, deep black eyes twinkled mischievously, and the laughter transformed his ruggedly handsome face into something infinitely warmer.
Bani blushed and bit her lip to keep from joining in the inviting laughter.
"Oh, come on," he said, seating himself next to her, "give in, and laugh. You know you want to."
Somehow, Bani found herself doing just that. Except that soon a tinge of hysteria crept into her laughter, as the tears began to stream down her face again, she sobbed and said, "oh yes, I want to laugh, I mean what can be funnier than my entire life falling apart? And it was such a good joke too!"
Two warm arms embraced her tenderly, urging her head onto that broad chest, which looked so inviting.
Bani gave in and rested her head on it, clutching fistfuls of his sweater.
He let her sob unrestrainedly, stroking her hair in a soothing rhythm. There was no laughter on his face and there was no twinkle in his eyes.
How did Eliot put it? Ah yes, "human kind cannot bear too much reality……" he thought; only the breaking of illusions can cause such bone deep agony that even a stranger becomes a welcome refuge.
Was this how you sobbed Ma, he silently asked the still chapel, when all alone, you waited for a man who never loved you?
Was there some stranger who let you cry out your secret agony? Someone who was willing to listen?
Why Ma? Why? How could you have done this, to me but most of all to yourself?
As she sobbed her disillusionment out onto his broad chest, he tortured himself by imagining that this was how his mother must have cried night after lonely night. Without any reprieve or respite in sight. And she had done it for him. So that he remained secure in the illusion that his was a perfect life.
It was a long while before the intensity of her bitter weeping gave way to the soft hiccoughs of exhaustion.
"Want to tell me about it?" he asked softly, compassionately.
In response she just shook her head without looking up. Abstractedly Jai noted that her hair smelled like flowers.
"Ok, what's your name?"
Silence.
"having drenched and quite possibly ruined my favourite black cashmere pullover with your deluge of salt water, don't I at least deserve a name to blame?" he asked, keeping his voice deliberately light.
"Bunni" came the muffled reply.
"strange name or your sinus are completely blocked. In that case could I possibly request you to not add snot to my sweater's sorrows?" he asked deliberately droll.
It had the desired effect.
Her head jerked up, and she gave him an affronted glare that was quite spoiled by a loud sniffle.
As he reached his hand inside his jacket pocket for a pristine white hankerchief, which he procedded to use, wiping her tears before holding it to her nose and commanding her to 'blow her nose' for all the world as if she was a 10 year old, Bani could not help being simultaneously irritated and feeling the sudden loss of that arm around her back.
"Blow," he repeated patiently.
She blew. Defiantly.
"Good girl."
As stared at him at a loss for words, he scrutinised her face as best as he could in the dying flickers of a few valiantly guttering candles. Subtract the swollenness of eyes puffed into near slits from a prolonged crying jag, the blotched cheeks and nose, the lingering baby fat, which rounded her face and she seemed like a reasonably pretty girl, he surmised.
"what?" she finally muttered, a little uncomfortable under the scrutiny.
"either your ears stick out like a rabbits' or you must've really loved bugs bunny; I am guessing that's why your parents named you bunny, huh?"
"Baanniii," she emphasised trying to enunciate past the nasal twang of a completely blocked nose, "it means the holy voice."
"hmmmm....whose holy voice?" he asked slowly, distracted by the sudden flicker of desire that startled him, brought on by a sudden awareness of the feminine curves entrusted to his arms in such vulnerable trust.
"a goddess."
"a tiny little thing like you?"
Bani bristled, "my mother said that when she heard me cry out for the first time she thought I sounded like an angel."
"Angel huh?" he teased, getting hold of himself firmly.
"what's your name?" she asked with a tinge of irritation.
"my name is….actually why don't we not go there."
"why?" she asked curiously.
"because sometimes it's easier to accept help from strangers," he told her seriously.
She lapsed into silence, reminded once again of why she was there.
Outside the darkness of night was rent by pale streaks of lightening and a hissing, drizzling rain borne aloft the chilly wind.
The last of the candles guttered out, plunging them into total darkness.
Jai waited in silence.
Finally, emboldened perhaps by the darkness she spoke.
"why should I tell you?"
"because you'll never see me again and sometimes it's easier for an outsider to put things into perspective. And you do need to get it out of your system. But most of all because you are feeling terribly lonely and it helps to know that there is someone who is willing to listen."
Bani began to speak only to be interrupted by a series of sneezes.
"that does it," he said with decision, withdrawing his arms and standing up.
"what are you doing?" she asked him as he began shrugging out of his jacket.
In response he took off his jacket, and then took off his sweater, "here put it on," he said dropping the sweater on her lap, and putting his jacket back on.
She did so and then found her hand being firmly grasped by his.
"come on, we are also not going to continue the rest of this conversation here." Forestalling her, he went on, "one it's freezing cold, two, we are just changing venues to the college guest house, which is not far and three, if I were a would be rapist, you'd have discovered it by now."
Bani found herself without any retort so she got up.
As he locked the chapel and pocketed the key she waited in silence.
Turning to her, he said, after peering into the darkness, "ok, we'll have to make a run for it if we don't want to get drenched, here take my hand."
"it's ok, I can manage. I know the way."
As they made their way past the nearly empty hostel blocks at a brisk trot, the very few lighted windows offered feeble illumination.
As he, slightly ahead of her, turned the corner, she caught her foot on her rock, stumbled and fell. And lacking the will to move just remained where she was, half sitting, half sprawled on the brick path. Her attention was caught and held by the soft pool of red light spilling from the window of a corner room. All she could see was the deep, blood red of the curtain, filtering the light that spilled out and caught the raindrops. Firing them into crystals of red, liquid fire. Mesmerised she gazed at them. Slowly registering the soft strains that rose above the soft hiss of the falling rain. Frank Sinatra's whiskey voice was crooning
"Strangers in the night exchanging glances
Wond'ring in the night what were the chances
We'd be sharing love before the night was through
Something in your eyes was so inviting
Something in your smile was so exciting
Something in my heart told me I must have you
Strangers in the night
Two lonely people, we were strangers in the night
Up to the moment when we said our first hello little did we
Know
Love was just a glance away, a warm embracing dance away
And
Ever since that night we've been together
Lovers at first sight, in love forever
It turned out so right for strangers in the night
Love was just a glance away, a warm embracing dance away
Ever since that night we've been together
Lovers at first sight, in love forever
It turned out so right for strangers in the night
Love was just a glance away, a warm embracing dance away
Ever since that night we've been together
Lovers at first sight, in love forever
It turned out so right for strangers in the night."
Jai reached the guest house and then discovered that she was missing.
"Shit. Where the hell are you Angel?" he muttered as he turned and retraced his steps…..
He turned the corner and saw her on the ground.
She looked, he thought in surprise, incredible.
Bathed in soft, red light, she shimmered, the raindrops catching the light and literally dancing. In time to the music that he registered subconsciously. His conscious attention was focused on the gash that had opened on her forehead and was bleeding.
Just then a flash of lightening rent the sky followed by a large crash and the next instant the world was plunged into primeval darkness as the electricity went.
Galvanised, Jai made it to her side just as she registered the change.
As he touched her hand, he spoke quickly, "it's me. Are you allright?"
She did not respond, alarming Jai, who found her hand icily cold.
Shock must be setting in, Jai concluded, briskly gathering her into his arms.
Like a child she looped her arms around his neck and laid her head onto his shoulder.
Stumbling and cursing Jai finally managed to reach his room. Fumbling in the darkness and relying on guess work more than the dim outlines his eyes could discern; having finally adjusted to the dark; he deposited his not so light burden on the bed.
Without bothering with a glass he handed her a bottle of whisky.
She took a mouthful and audibly gagged.
"it's good for you. It will warm you up," he urged her.
The first mouthful felt awful but as the fiery liquid burned its way down a slow warmth began to settle in the pit of her stomach. She took another mouthful experimentally. And then another.
He finally reached out and took the bottle from her hand, "that is quite enough. Warmth not getting drunk."
Getting a clean handkerchief he wet it with the whiskey and wiped her forehead.
"best antiseptic at the moment," he offered as she protested at the sting.
"I'm listening," he finally said.
Curiously distanced from herself, she found herself giving him the barest outline, cautiously, without naming names.
"and you parents?" he asked neutrally.
Bani found herself crying softly as she finally acknowledged the painful truths she had herself come to grips with a scant hour ago.
"one is physically dead and the other has always found me a disappointment.
It's all hopeless. I am a total failure…….i've never pleased my father….and my fiance found me so desirable that he went to bed with my sister……my own sister who has always tried to tell me how boring I am…..i…oh forget it. What's the point?" she ended in a dejected whisper.
"Grabbing her shoulders and giving her shake, he spoke urgently, harshly, "you listen to me and you listen good. Forget about your dad's expectations and your sister's betrayal. As for that scum of the earth, thank your stars for such a lucky break!"
"easy for you to say," she cried out in anguish, "what the hell am I supposed to do now? Everything I know, everything that was my life is ……is…….gone…..what do I do?"
"you move on. And remember that this is your life. Not your father's, not your sister's and certainly not that moron's."
"but I have nothing left to live for" she protested.
"oh yes you do. You have to life for yourself. Never live for anyone else. Ever. Because if you try to do that you ruin two lives. Your's and the person you try and live for. Trust me, I should know," he finished bitterly.
"but….but…that is so lonely…." She whispered, instinctively sensing his anguish.
"angel, in case you don't realise it, you are born alone and you will die alone. That is a fact."
"and love?" she asked tentatively, suddenly unsure about which of them needed the comfort of a stranger.
"is the grandest illusion of all."
"I don't believe that!"
"even after your 'beloved' fiance's desertion?" he asked before he could stop himself, and then cursed himself as she remained silent.
After a moment, just as he was about to apologise she spoke up, in a voice laced with pain, "I did not love him. I barely knew him…I was trying to learn to love him…and he did not want to know me at all."
"Angel," he murmured pulling her into his arms, "you can't blame your self for that! Just be thankful that you did not end up in a marriage without love. As I've just found out, that can be sheer hell."
"you're married?" she asked, strangely rattled by the thought that he might be married.
"no. I am not. Never have been."
Relieved for some obscure reason she asked, "then what makes you such an expert?"
"My mother. Spent her entire life in love with a man who never loved her."
"maybe it was what she wanted, regardless of whether he loved her or not" she offered softly after a moment, wanting to soothe the bitter hurt and anguish she heard in his tone.
"Why? For what? Spend an entire lifetime lying to herself? And to me? All of my life I never knew the truth. Until now. By accident." he asked angrily, bitterly, jerking back, letting go of her.
Reaching out and wrapping her arms about him instinctively, she said, "maybe that's what made her happy. Being with him. In whatever way she could be with him. And if she was ok with her choice, shouldn't you respect that?"
"but she lied to me!" he cried out, unable to control himself, removing her arms from around him. "she let me go on believing that things were great between her and my father. While he lived with his mistress. Had a bloody child with her."
Stubbornly reaching out for him, she repeated insistently, "but that was her choice to make. And she made it. And perhaps watching you grow up secure in a happy family life, even if it was an illusion, meant the world to her. Stop rendering her sacrifice vain."
For a long moment he said nothing, holding himself rigid in her arms and then he put his arms around her and buried his face in her hair.
They both remained locked in a wordless embrace devoid of anything save the asexual comfort of companionship.
Finally he broke the silence, "for a such a small thing, you're pretty wise, angel."
"Your illusion of a happy family shattered now, mine died when my mother did. A long time ago. I suppose at some level I've always known that."
"listen to me, angel," he said drawing back to peer into the face that was only a ghostly pale outline in the darkness, "there will be other men. Who will want to know you, who will love you. Don't let that skunk make you think otherwise."
It was her turn to withdraw.
"what is it? Tell me," he insisted.
"I am not so sure."
"about what?"
"that there will be someone."
"oh come on, are you telling me that you had pinned all your hopes on this man? Surely there must have been some young men…..a boyfriend, someone who flirted with you….."
"no one…….and that's why it hurts so much. Not that he did not fall in love with me….but that even at the simplest, the physical level I failed…..that he didn't even desire me," she whispered haltingly, turning her face away, even though it was dark, as she bared her innermost fear.
Strangely humbled by the courage it took to strip her soul; bewildered at the idiocy of the young men she had so far been in contact with and angry at that nameless boor of a fiance; he tried to convince her of her desirability as a woman in the most convincing manner of all.
Bani was aware of a subtle change in his manner as a gentle hand cupped her chin and turned her face towards him.
Lifting her face he whispered softly, "angel, you are so wrong," and then slowly he began to kiss her face, like a blind man exploring uncharted territory, arriving at last at her lips…….
Tentative on both sides the kiss changed tenor imperceptibly….until Jai forced himself to recall the impropriety of taking this any further.
Bani opened dazed eyes, her expression one of wonderment, this was so different, so much more….comforting and yet so drugging…….instead of the sloppy wetness she associated with Pushkar's kisses. Then she had always found herself wanting them to end, found herself faintly revolted by the invasive pressure of his mouth and tongue. Now she found herself wanting more, wanting the possession of those firm lips moulding hers ……
When it became apparent that he was not about to kiss her again, a sense of rejection so deep that it made Pushkar's rejection pale into insignificance filled her.
Jerking herself out of his arms, she said tiredly, "there. Even pity does not make me desirable."
Jai raked his hand through his hair in frustration before he pulled her stiff body into his arms, "angel," he growled in a voice husky with desire and frustration, "this was not about pity! Pity cannot generate desire, I assure you. I stopped because if I don't stop now then I won't be able to…"
Bani's stiff, unresponsive body quite expressively conveyed her disbelief, and as she tried to stand up, with a muffled sob, saying, "let me go…." Jai gave in to the inevitable and pulled her back into his arms.
Where she remained long after he had indeed convinced her beyond a shadow of doubt about just how desirable he did in fact find her.
As they lay under the quilt wrapped in each other's arms, victims of the strange intimate shyness that envelops strangers who become intimate before they cease being strangers, both found themselves at a loss for words.
And yet filled with a strange sense of contentment, of homecoming.
Finally he ventured, "are you sorry?"
A dreamy "no," followed by a more self conscious "are you?"
"not a chance," he said so quickly and with such certainty that she smiled into his chest.
"thank you," she murmured.
"don't be an idiot" he shot back.
"why not? A few hours ago there was so much that I believed impossible, that I'd ever feel happy again, or even laugh again, or even be able to contemplate the coming daylight…..and deal with my life again…..and yet now I have at least started thinking in terms of living rather than wishing myself dead."
"angel, I don't deserve the thanks. Thank yourself. Because you have found the strength within yourself. Because we all have to in order to survive. And because you will always be stronger than the burden thrust upon you. Always," and reaching down, he stroked the hair off her forehead and kissed her on the forehead, as if bestowing a special power on her.
And then both lapsed into a comfortable, peaceful silence…..giving way to the exhaustion that enveloped both, giving way to sleep with a sense of security.
The security of the other's presence.
And as jagged flashes of lightening continued to thunder menacingly and the softly hissing rain fell relentlessly, they both slept.
As some point much later in the night, the storm abated and the power came back.
Bani woke to the sound of chirping birds as the rays of the rising sun slanted across her face.
Slowly disentangling herself from his hold, she sat up in bed and contemplated the night's events.
She smiled as she saw a frown mar his forehead as he turned and sought her, settling for the pillow she proffered, burying his face in it after wrapping his arms around it.
Gently she stroked the hair off his forehead and dropped a feather light kiss before getting out of bed and getting dressed.
She stood over the bed for a long while, studying his face hungrily, imprinting it; did she but know; on her senses with an intensity which was destined to haunt her ever afterwards.
And then quietly she left. Knowing that some part of her would forever belong to him. But also that some part of him would forever be with her, always be her strength, her comfort.
Jai woke up feeling strange. And then it hit him, he was, after what felt like ages, waking up feeling fully rested, without the hint of a hangover. Automatically he turned to the source of that feeling, only to discover the bed and the room empty.
Before he hauled himself out of bed for checking the bathroom his eye fell on the single sheet of paper anchored by a red poinsettia flower.
Dear……Stranger,
How distancing that sounds and how very inadequate.
What should have been the darkest night of my life turned instead into the most incandescent.
Because of you, who became my very own 'bright foreigner' for this magical while.
I will not say thank you. But I will say that the afterglow will warm me for a long time…..
Maybe for this one night I too became your 'bright foreigner.' I would like to imagine so.
Even though love is perhaps the grandest illusion of all.
Your stranger….or if you prefer it, angel.
P.S. I have taken the chapel keys from your jacket pocket. I will drop them by the Reverend's house. He will need them for the morning service.
I have also borrowed something from you. Your pullover. Actually taken is more accurate since I do not think that we will meet again. And for the sweater at least, I can honestly say Thank you.
The sense of loss Jai felt was equalled only by his puzzlement over the cryptic allusions in the note.
For a completely unsentimental man Jai knew that he would forever keep the note and that poinsettia flowers would always evoke warmth and magic.
For one moment he wished he had told her his name or that he knew hers; all he could recall was Bunny….and that her name meant angel; and then with his habitual common sense and decisiveness he discarded the thought.
But he tucked away the tiny clue that clearly she was or had been a student of this college.
It was perhaps for the best.
It was not until much later that he would begin to be haunted by the image of child with ears that stuck out, and hair like rough silk, and the voice of an angel.
When it was certain that there was no child; something she had not considered as a possibility at all until the very moment when it became impossible; Bani found herself suddenly saddened by this confirmation.
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
Kumkum Bhagya
