A LONG YEAR- MaNan ff ch5 pg15 - Page 12

I shot a glance back making sure no one was watching me as I tip-toed into the room. My mind was still arguing about the pros and cons of the plan I had cooked up, I was half convinced this was the right thing to do and half convinced I would end up in jail. But it was too late to go back on my actions now. As soon as I got inside I shut the door behind me and took a deep breath.

"You can do this Manik, she will take at least ten minutes in the bathroom." I was encouraging myself, Nandani had gone for a before bed bath and I had the perfect opening. I started feeling the walls for a switch board and stumbled upon one. When the room was enlightened I could finally take the place in. but this was nothing like I expected. The room had nothing. It was as if it had never been opened for a guest. The only change was the mirror from the dressing table was removed and there were no curtains. I opened the cupboard and there was nothing in there as well. I looked for even one sign on occupancy but couldn't find any other than a suitcase kept in the side neatly packed.

"Manik!" I was shook out of my thoughts by her voice. I had been too lost to listen to the door open.

"Hmmm..." I said absent minded, looking at her face searching for answers. Her hairs were dripping water all over the floor and she was in a white bathrobe looking like an angel.

"What are you doing in my room?" she asked rushing towards her suitcase.

I thought about lying but then decided against it. "You call it your room, really?" I said still unable to comprehend what I had just witnessed.

"Get out right now." She shouted and that was the first time I had seen her angry.

I stared straight into her eyes and they showed more hurt than a soul can fathom. My heart started sinking in the pain I had caused her and the words that came after were the ones I had never planned.

"Nandani, My mother has told me to never be afraid to apologize when I am wrong. She said it would have saved her and my father a great deal of trouble if they had only followed that rule. Then she sighed, and added that I must never think that an apology could completely erase what I had done or said. Still, it was worth trying. 'I'm sorry' won't fix what's been broken. It can't reverse time or undo the damage or change anything that happened. But a sincere, humble apology I hope can serve to soften the sting and sometimes do a pretty good patch up job. Nandani Murti I am sorry." I finished and started leaving when she held my hand.

"I am really hungry," she said and gave a sobbing smile. It was quite late and the cook had already left.

"I hope you are not one of those diet conscious girls," I said and got a reply with Nandani finishing a slice in under a minute. The cheese splashed all over her lips, her eyes closed taking the taste in and her jawline moving in a melody chewing the giant pieces she was cutting off. She was unlike any girl I had ever known, her eyes sparkled like a child who had his wish granted. I gave her a napkin to clean her mouth which she rejected.

"The best part about junk food is you can get dirty while eating it," she said and smiled and I couldn't help but smile back. By the time I looked down there were no slices left for me to eat. I thought about asking her for a piece but then saw her happiness and couldn't. She gulped in the last piece of pizza and smiled widely, the pain in her eyes no longer evident but still there.

"All done," she said licking her fingers and finally cleaning her lips.

"Let's go it is quite late." I said and got up.

"I haven't forgiven you yet," she said in a mocking tone. Her head tilted down to hide her expressions.

"Oh, you haven't, then what shall I do know to earn your forgiveness mistress??" I asked bowing down to her and let out a giggle.

"I want to go for a walk, it's been too long since I have felt soft grass under my feet," she said her tone going down again.

Even I had no idea was going to do what I did next. I picked her up in my arms and started walking towards my favourite place in the whole city.

"Manik what are you doing?" she asked surprised and excited all at once.

"The next thing these legs touch will only be grass," I said and kept walking. Right at that moment it was as if we were the only two people left in the world. And I don't mean that to sound corny; it just honestly did. The only sounds were the droning crickets and chip-chips of the bats, the farawy wind against the trees, and the occasional distant yowl of a dingo. There were no car horns. No trains. No jack-hammers. No lawnmowers No planes. No sirens. No alarms. No anything human.. "Will you tell me what is up with the room?" I asked scared of her reaction but this time she was calm. She went quite for a while and then spoke in a very low voice.

"I've crossed some kind of invisible line. I feel as if I've come to a place I never thought I'd have to come to. And I don't know how I got here. It's a strange place. When I came here I realised that I wanted to disappear. To get so lost that nobody ever found me. To go so far away that I'd never be able to make my way home again. But I have no idea why. When I was a child, all problems had ended with a single word from my father. A smile from him was sunshine, his scowl a bolt of thunder. He was smart, and generous, and honourable without fail. He could exile a trespasser, check my math homework, and fix the leaky bathroom sink, all before dinner. For the longest time, I thought he was invincible. Above the petty problems that plagued normal people.
And now he is gone. I always decorated my room with my dad and without him I just don't feel like my bedroom will ever really be mine, so why even try?" she said and we both stayed silent for the next few moments.

"Sometimes I feel like I don't belong anywhere, and it's going to take so long for me to get to somewhere, sometimes I feel so heavy hearted, but I can't explain cause I'm so guarded. But that's a lonely road to travel, and a heavy load to bear." I said not completely sure why. We reached the woods in complete silence.

The forest was dark and foreboding, but there was peace in its sullen ambiance. My eyes flickered over the thick, dark trunks of the trees that rose steadily into the sky, its branches interlocking with its neighbours like giant's arms linked together protecting their home. The trees were densely packed together, leaving just enough space to allow someone to manoeuvre through. I pressed my palm against its rough bark, and breathed in the scent of the forest. The musty scent of leaves after rainfall, the warm soil packed against the earth by scurrying animals, the scent of things in different stages of blooming and growth. The smell of life. The forest was teeming with it.

I put Nandani down on a thick cover of grass and saw her breathing deeply into the fresh and chilly air.

"What is this place Manik?" she asked still trying to get a feel of this place.

"It is my favourite place in whole of Dehradun" I said sitting down on the patch of grass. I took her hand in mine and assisted her in sitting next to me.

"My dad used to bring me here when I was little. We used to sit in this exact place and talk for hours together without a care in the world. He used to inspire me to be great. This was the place where even without knowing it my future was shaped. I would lie down on my father's chest and hear him breath. I calmed me down, like nothing in this world could hurt me. Then years passed and we both got...busy. He stopped asking me to come here with him and I stopped hoping he would. But whenever I saw this place I felt angry and frustrated. This place reminded me of everything I have lost growing; it reminded me of how much my life is messed up." I said still staring into the dark and feeling the chill of the night.

We lay under the stars, which were like a beautiful, surreal blanket above our heads. I could feel her heartbeat against the back of my head, and could hear the soft breaths of her by my side. That's when it hit me: Sometimes we are like stars- we fall to make someone's wish come true.

"What changed Manik?" she asked suddenly.

"Ummm.." I babbled unable to understand what she meant.

"You said you used to get angry by looking at this place, what changed?" she clarified.

"I guess I just let go of my memory with my father and then this place seemed beautiful again. Like my mind was tricking me into hating this place." I said.

"I think that is what happens with life, all the hurt, all the pain we see it seems to block all the beauty of life from us and we are tricked into thinking life is messed up, but I just don't get it why does letting go of things feel so good?" she asked with a childlike curiosity.

"Maybe because when we see how little we actually need to survive, it makes us realize how powerful we actually are to strip down to only what we need, to hang on only to what we can't do without, what we need, not just to survive, but to thrive." I said and she nodded her head in agreement.

"We should go, I feel really chilly now." She said and I helped her up.

"Shit, I was hoping you would carry me again." She said and giggled. I gave out a laugh too and we both started walking.

"I don't think the pain makes life look ugly," I said after giving her words a thought. "I think its fear. Fear is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unnerving ease. It begins in your mind, always ... so you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don't, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you. So what do you fear Nandani Murti?"

She gave it a thought and took her time before answering. "I fear that there will come a day when I will forget my parents and my life with them. I will no longer feel sad or abandoned and they will be erased from my thoughts and from this world and then they would truly die. I guess what I am trying to say is I am afraid of moving on, to leave this phase of my life and let it be a memory I never visit. I am afraid of starting on with my life and leaving them behind." She said and I could see the fear on her face, tears fell from my eyes. In all true meaning this beautiful girl, the girl that was changing me was definitely scared of life.

"What are you scared of Manik?" she asked and I wiped away the tears.

"I am afraid of dying. I am afraid of the world moving forward without me, of my absence going unnoticed, or worse, being some natural force propelling life on. Is it selfish? Am I such a bad person for dreaming of a world that ends when I do? I don't mean the world ending with respect to me, but every set of eyes closing with mine." I said, letting it out. The fear that had taken over me when I dad started ignoring me and I became one of many things in his life. Maybe you never really get over the insecurities that take you down as a child. I knew one day like my father everyone would forget me and I could not accept that.

We stopped as we reached the doorstep. She turned towards me and gave a hug. The hug was a simple enough gesture - affection, perhaps the fragile beginnings of love. The arms that held me were soft, yet strong. The feel of her body so close to mine soothed me more than I had expected. But within seconds I pulled away.

She stared at my face as if she could actually see me. "Manik you know what I think you are afraid of?" she asked.

"What?" I asked amused.

"I think you are scared that you will fall in love with me and you are even more scared that I will love you back." She said and without waiting another moment went inside leaving me in the dark, pouring over those words. My mind was numb and my body completely cold. It took me many moments before I could actually get in.