As I see him lieing there on an operation table I realize how much I love him. And how weak I am because I can't bear this thing...I can't see pain being inflicted upon him. After 3 years of marriage I still hadn't come to terms with my crazy love for my husband, Manik Mlahotra who was a montser for the outer world but well was my Manik, just my Manik when with me.
I walk out because if I would stand any longer staring at him through the window I was sure to break up...for the worse.
I stride twoards the park adjoining the canteen of the hospital...half in tears half in sobs.
I stand leaning on a tree while staring at the moon.
It's just another night
And I'm staring at the moon
I saw a shooting star
And thought of you
I sang a lullaby
Manik and I used to call it our moon, like we owned it. But actually now that I think about it we did.
Whenever we used to get upset we used to walk into our balcony and just stare at the moon and say a little prayer to God to make things right AGAIN. I am sure God also got pissed with this daily habit of ours. It was under the moon that we took our vows, made promises or stand by each other always...like the unbreakable vows where the witness was the moon. We became one, made love for the first time under the moon, sang songs, dance, held hands and just became MaNan under it's pure light and glow. We used to whisper songs in each others ears over here and just wrap our arms around each other because that is how we felt safe and secure.
By the waterside and knew
If you were here,
I'd sing to you
You're on the other side
As the skyline splits in two
I'm miles away from seeing you
I can see the stars
Will he get up, will he ever walk with me under the moon again, will he make it, will he all right, all OK? Different questions pop up in my over strained mind but I chuck all of them because I had to be strong right now...not because I wanted to be...but for Manik's sake .
So open your eyes and see
The way our horizons meet
And all of the lights will lead
Into the night with me
I keep whispering a prayer to the moon...because I was sure it would make things OK...would guide us home for sure. Moon would make us one...AGAIN.
And I know these scars will bleed
But both of our hearts believe
All of these stars will guide us home
I sit down feeling tired. I hadn't done something great since morning to complain of tiredness but as they say "Sometimes exhaustion overwhelms you even though you are neither physically strained nor mentally stressed."
"Hazel come here" I hear someone shouting form behind and sensing that it was some familiar voice, a voice I wanted to whisper in my ears now, a voice which very often said that to me. I turn around to see who it was but to my dismay it was a father asking her daughter to stop running towards the road.
I recall the first time had called me Hazel and I with wide eyes had been like "Who Hazel, that TFIOS One?" He just passed a small smile, walk up to me, hold my hands and make me sit on the edge of the bed. He sat down and said something that rings in my head till now. "You are my moon, my stars, my white light---pure and serene, joyous and beautiful. You are my Hazel Nandu and one day I hope I can live up to be your Augustus."
I can hear your heart
On the radio beat
They're playing 'Chasing Cars'
And I thought of us
Back to the time,
You were lying next to me
It was another occasion when I had again fallen in love with him. I hadn't told him ever how much those words meant to me. His passion for me used ot shake me at times, leave me baffled and well in admiration all over again. THAT ws one such moment for me. I meant so much to him. The effect I had on him was unbelievable. I actually had never imagined meaning so much more than just a wife to someone. I shed some more tears while thinking about it like I usually did while thinking about it.
I looked across and fell in love
So I took your hand
Back through lamp lit streets I knew
Everything led back to you
So can you see the stars?
I had never told Manik that I didn't find TFIOS really amazing or something or that I didn't understand why I was his Hazel. It amuses me because I and Hazel are poles apart. I never actually liked her character that much. I never told him this purposely because he seemed to love Hazel the most after me.Or maybe it was his perception that I was Hazel that made him do that. I always thought I did it because I didn't want to hurt him.
Today I realize that it wasn't just that but much more than that. I never wanted to be Hazel , never idolised her but I wanted to be His Hazel...not of any Augustus. I didn't have any Augustus. I had Manik Malhotra...who was all I wanted,aspired, dreamt of ...sote jagte, gaate bajaate. My Manik could never be Augustus because I didn't want him to be. He was my Manik and that was it...all I wanted and all I had.
I shut my eyes sending another prayer to God to make things all right AGAIN.
So open your eyes and see
The way our horizons meet
And all of the lights will lead
Into the night with me
And I know these scars will bleed
But both of our hearts believe
All of these stars will guide us home
And, oh, I know
And oh, I know, oh
I can see the stars
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