~Samjhawan Ki~
X...X...X
It was a breezy evening. I was sitting with my legs crawled up on the front seat of his car looking out of the window. He was buying ice cream for me. I was simply staring at him...with that transparent look. We had been in a relationship for the last 2 and a half years and well I couldn't have been happier. He made me happy more than anybody in the world. And well the best part was that even if he didn't make me happy...he wanted to. That is all that mattered.
X...X...X
And there we were in Kabir's birthday bash when he finally proposed me in his usual Manik Malhotra style. We had just fought and so I didn't expect him all of sudden to shout it at my face in front of everyone else.
The way he said it was so typical that I was half of the time laughing and half of the time completing his sentences because damn can Manik really say his feelings out loud.
I don't even remember what all had he said exactly...I was feeling so giddy at that time, just giggling with butterflies in my stomach.
I can exactly recall just one thing he said..."I want to be with you Nandini, ALWAYS."
So he wanted to be with me always...well all that mattered.
X...X...X
Manik was not a monster...but well he was. I was always aware of his temperament, his anger. He had always been like this. But it hurt me way too much today. Maybe because I thought that he had changed after all. Sometimes he looks at me with unbelievable hatred like he never loved me...but well that was a par of loving Manik Malhotra. He spat "Get Out" on my face. Not the first time maybe...this has been happening since our days in S.P.A.C.E. But today it just hurt me.
X...X...X
Sitting in the train made me recall all these moments like a flash. I was in tears...having weeped for straight 4 hours makes your eyes look puffy and well makes one look disastrous. Not that I cared but the way everyone looked ta me made me feel alienated. I had told Chachi about how we fought again and I wanted some peace and had to leave for the better.
"I am going out to have some fresh air." I told Chachi and went dashing across the hundreds of passengers giggling and having a gala time with their families.
How much they all irked me right now. I was just thinking about Manik while I bumped into a kid and his mother looked at me disapprovingly.
Main tenu samjhawan ki
Na tere bina lagda jee
Main tenu samjhawan ki
Na tere bina lagda jee
Would Manik come...he would...he LOVES me...but then he asked me to GET OUT...of his life..how could he even say it. He would never come...knowing how uncomfortable he is at saying sorry and expressing himself.
Tu ki jaane pyaar mera
Main karoon intezar tera
Tu dil tui-yon jaan meri
Main tenu samjhava ki
Na tere bina lagda jee
One would ask me to forgive him if I know him so well...if I understand his state of emotions so well..but do you keep forgiving and moving on. I can't keep letting it be. I am sure he would have made up for it by taking me out on dinner or palnning something romantic but that would not make up for his harsh words and piercing eyes...NOT THIS TIME at least.
"Manik...I wish you wou---" suddenly I was pushed at a side of the train's gate...held firmly. That grip that surrounded my arms was known to me. I had been pinned up at so many occasion like this before that it didn't take me a moment to realize who it was.
"Manik...it's YOU!" I said with welled up eyes and a half smile cornering my lips. I slowly moved my hand over his face to make sure that he was REAL and not a part of my imagination. He had to be real. This was my Manik. He was breathing right on my face...warm and just typical Manik.
Tu ki jaane pyaar mera
Main karoon intezar tera
Tu dil tui yon jaan meri
Main tenu samjhawa ki
Na tere bina lagda jee
I was simply absorbing the whole thing...Manik standing right in front of me...he had come all the way here because of ME. We stood still for a long time...a time I didn't exactly measure...but a time enough for us to embrace each other...hold each other for the nth time because it made us feel special and protected.
Mere dil ne chun laiyaa ne
Tere dil diyaan raahan
Tu jo mere naal tu rehta
Turpe meriyaan saaha
For all the time we stood...a thought kept ringing in my mind. Would he finally say it once? Just for me...just once. I wouldn't have asked for anything else. He should just say it once and for all...for my sake.
Jeena mera.. hoye
Hun hai tera, ki main karaan
Tu kar aitbaar mera
Main karoon intezar tera
Tu dil tui-yon jaan meri
Main tenu samjhawan kee
Na tere bina lagda jee
He rested his forehead on mine...and damn the butterflies were there. I didn't want them but they were. He enveloped me in his arms...and I just simply cried...cried and longed...cried and waited for him to just say it.
Ve changa nahion keeta beeba
Ve changa nahion keeta beeba
Dil mera tod ke
Ve bada pachhtaiyaan akhaan
Ve bada pachhtaiyaan akhaan
Naal tere jod ke
We got of our trance finally when the train's horn beeped.
"You want to say something..." I said half hicupping...half in tears.
"I ...I wa...I want to say th...I want to say this to you Nandu...th...that...I wanna say.."
Tenu chadd ke kitthe jawan
Tu mera parchhanvaa
Tere mukhde vich hi main taan
Rab nu apne pawaan
"Forget it Manik." I say freeing myself from his grip. I kiss him on his lips feeling him once and for all.
"Nandu...please...liste----" Manik says holding me from behind.
"Let's just let it be Manik." I say holding myself back.
And then I just walked towards my seat not turning back once...only if he would have said it...JUST ONCE.
Meri duaa.. haaye
Sajda tera kardi sadaa
Tu sun iqraar mera
Main karoon intezar tera
Tu dil tui-yon jaan meri
Main tainu samjhawan ki
Na tere bina lagda jee
-----Zoha
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