Maand: A calling from the heart
This is an attempt at the story from Akbar's Perspective. I tried to show how the same circumstances looked from Akbar's perspective. Let me know what you think!
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I stared at the papers like I had every single day the past few weeks ... the most rational thing to do was to sign them and finish the matter. What else could be done? What was an alternative? That's what my mind asked, but my heart said something else. It always did.
Yet, I brushed aside my heart as well as the papers for the moment. A few farmers from Armaan Organic Farm had asked to meet me, that too urgently. That was rare. As I stepped into the warmth of the sun, the suffocation I felt a moment ago began to dissipate. But, only for a moment. A familiar song came through the air. "Kesariya Baalam", a song calling out to a lover, floated in the air. It was the village folk singer's favorite song. She was singing it yet again.
Yet again, it was difficult for me to enjoy. Every time I heard that song, I felt a twinge as I wished it was someone else calling out to me. But, that was not meant to be. As my heart drifted off, "Akbar Bhaijaan," called Kishore's voice and I was brought back to the matters at hand.
As I joined the farmers who were deep in thought, my sigh cut the pensive silence. It was a difficult situation. When I had started Armaan Organic Farm, I thought everyone would see its benefits and support it. And they did, initially. Now, was a different story. A local politician saw me and my success with farmers as a threat to his power. Somehow, the politician managed to convince a few farmers that I was trying to grab their land. Animosity against me was rising from various quarters despite all my good intentions. And these farmers, who were my only family now, feared for me.
One wanted to get me police protection. Another proposed I move into his house. Another felt it would be good for me to go home to UP for a while. Suddenly, behind their chatter, appeared a familiar silhouette. The sun cast a shadow momentarily on her face, but it was unmistakenly her. While my eyes seemed to be focused on the words of my fellow comrades, every emotion was swirling towards her. My brows knitted in worry- not because of the growing fears for my safety, but more wondering why she was here. Was this the end I had secretly wished would never come?
As she found shade under the tree, I had temporary reprieve to observe her from afar. She seemed a bit tired, likely from the journey, but her beauty and confidence remained the same.
Actually, she had not changed a bit in the past two years. I still remembered that final glimpse I had sneaked of her. It was the day of our college graduation and as I stepped into a cab to the airport, my eyes couldn't help but seek her out in the crowds. I managed to catch a fleeting glimpse from the corner of eye. Who knew how long it would be before I saw her again.
A few years prior, or why even a few months before graduation, I would have never imagined that this is how I would bid farewell to Jodha- without meeting, without a word. Since our first year at Delhi University, we had grown inseparable. I still remember the first moment I saw her - it was a group study class on "Innovation for Agricultural Development." There was something about her focus, her confidence, her dedication that immediately drew me towards her beyond her beauty.
After that, every dinner, every class, every non-profit project we worked on together, was special because she was with me. And as senior year approached, I could not imagine life without her. She always was the more pragmatic amongst the two of us and I remember I almost choked on my water as she announced one afternoon, "Let's get married." It was not like her to be this direct, but this was obviously something she had mulled over quite a bit. After all, our relationship had quite the set of challenges- beyond the religious differences, I was from interior UP and her family, a business family from Mumbai.
Yet, we believed our love for each other and our common purpose to make a difference to the world, would prevail over all. With this conviction, we found ourselves pronouced husband and wife within a month in the registrar's office. And life just began to become more and more beautiful.
Until she suddenly changed- something happened when we were in Kutch doing our final year project. I could never understand how one conversation could change someone so much or maybe there was more that triggered it. I couldn't fathom it. The work and projects we had done with such dedication and passion, the smiles of the villagers we had helped that gave us so much happiness- suddenly, all of this seemed futile to her. She felt we weren't doing something lasting enough.
Maybe it was after the phone call with her brother (a business executive himself). Suddenly she began insisting we live in the city after graduation. We could take corporate jobs, earn more money, and support different social causes at a larger scale. Roaming around villages was not making enough of a difference; she felt like we were wasting time.
I felt like the whole foundation of my life was knocked down - everything that had mattered to me (and her) were suddenly futile and meaningless? Somehow, I felt this couldn't be Jodha's true feelings- that was not her heart speaking but her mind. Likely a growing anxiety, of how we would manage our lives after graduation. I tried to allay her concerns- but probably I wasn't convincing enough. After all, what did I know about the real world in her eyes?
Yet, I held my own reminding her that our dream was always working in the village; working with people and donating money were just not the same. We would have grants and other means to support us and many of our seniors had done the same. Me doing a "9 to 5" was just not even possible. I also felt if I showed my convinction in what had been both our dreams - she would soon come back to her normal self. Forget normal, it got worse. Anger, fights, and bitterness ensued, and by graduation I was sneaking a glimpse of Jodha. Perhaps, it was time to move on or at least try to.
I was off to Rajasthan on my first project after graduation. It was another first- the first time Jodha was not with me on a project after three years. The project was a corporate grant I had received to set up electricity in a village. A comfortable stipend, room and board, and the excitement of brightening the lives of the villagers (literally and figuratively). What more could one want? I couldn't help but feel Jodha was missing out. And of course, I was missing her too, no matter how much I tried to deny.
Many a night I would find myself looking at her Facebook profile- to see that familiar face, that special smile. She didn't look like she felt like she was missing out. Instead, she looked like she was having the time of her life as a rising star in the world of advertising.
A few months later, 100 people had electricity and it was time to move onto the next project. 350 helped in next, 50 in the next after that, and 257 in the next after that. But, I was starting to feel a gnawing void. An emptiness.
Perhaps, it was triggered by a startling setback - I went back to the village to my first electrification project. I was shocked to see the village in the dark- while the infrastructure we had built was intact, some petty politics had stopped the flow of electricity.
Jodha's words started to haunt me- as I felt like a mere drop in a vast ocean and that too a lonely one. Weeks of gnawing and it was time for action. Not as drastic as going for a "9 to 5" job, but a step in her direction.
A new found friend-cum-brother, Kishore and I planned out setting up a new organic farming foundation. As I dug up an old college paper on organic farming, a smile came on my face. I remembered the excitement on Jodha's face as she had shared an article on organic farming and she felt it was the next big thing. We had done that college paper together and what we had done together was the foundation of Armaan Organic Foundation. It was a social enterprise- designed to do good for farmers and the environment while raising money to fund itself by selling crops. This would have lasting impact and was scalable.
That's what Jodha liked about it. That's what I now liked about it too compared to doing random projects. And "Armaan" that name was extra special. How could I forget that blushing face, shining in the moonlight of Thekkady, sharing how she wanted to name our son Armaan? The name was a reflection of the hopes we shared together right after the wedding. How had those hopes than diverged?
But, I had a hope. A hope that hearing the name "Armaan" would stir those same feelings in her that they stirred in me. Perhaps, she would realize I was doing what she had once inspired me to work on? I knew she would hear about the Armaan Organic Farm somehow- whether through its Facebook launch or common friends. Yet, only silence followed.
As Armaan Organic Farm grew, I felt both Jodha and my dream was coming alive in front of my eyes. I often felt like reaching out to her. But my heart-felt urge was always stopped- some times by a picture of her face glowing with an advertising award or by a happy status update of her new car. Maybe, she had really changed. I didn't want to hold her back nor throw her back into the turmoil of choosing between her new life and me. My growing sadness I confided only to Kishore who stood by me like a brother.
Then one day, Kishore walked in all excited. A 10 lac check from Galaxy Multimedia for Armaan Organic Farm had just come in- one of our biggest donations yet. That would be a huge boost for our upcoming planting season. And then this one excitement paused as it made way for another- Galaxy Multimedia was the firm Jodha worked for! Was this Jodha's way of reaching out to me? Or was it a way of Jodha showing how her chosen path was superior? I wasn't sure - and self-doubt won out. I stayed silent.
My self-doubt was confirmed when the divorce papers arrived from Jodha. But, no matter how much I tried, I could not get myself to sign. Maybe, if I didn't respond, she would have second thoughts? I did not want to talk to her lawyers. I wanted to talk to Jodha - in the midst of the same ambience where we had fallen in love. Maybe , she and I would find remnants of her older life again?
So, there she was leaning against the tree. My plan of silence had maybe worked after all. Toying with her hair, as she always did when she was anxious, and finally tucking a lock of hair behind her ear as I always used to do. Finally, after what seemed ages of flashback reels, and endless debate on my safety, the farmers dispersed on their action plan, whatever that was. I had hardly paid attention beyond a few nods here and there.
I walked towards her, hoping for the best and another chance. The confidence of my walk may have been successful in fooling her but did not shield me from my own inner turmoil. I could sense her nervousness - but she forced a manner that seemed cold and business-like. As her voice trailed about finishing matters, I nodded and agreed to sign the divorce papers to relieve her of her nervous misery.
But, what was her nervousness? She didn't seem to be as sure as she made herself seem. Was it just nostalgia or something else that had awakened in her? Seeing her next to me, a me of older times returned as well. How could I leave an opportunity to tease her like I used to ? A slight smirk emerging, I started with a teasing "Thank You." How I had missed that shy, blushing face that emerged as she guessed what I was referring to? Of course, I had to thank her for her support of Organic Armaan Farm. But, I hoped somewhere it was not lost to her that I had followed every move of her own journey in life. What she did still mattered to me. And her reddened cheeks as her eyes gazed down at the ground, dispelled every self-doubt. She had supported Armaan Organic Farm to support me not to prove me wrong.
My heart decided to take one last chance. Before I signed the papers, I wanted to show her what had been built based on our shared dreams of yore- Armaan Organic Farm. Was that all I wanted to show? No, I wanted to give our life one more chance though I would not admit it to even myself. Somewhere I felt it was still Jodha's true calling as well as she looked eagerly around the surroundings and as her face filled with emotion as she saw "Armaan" on the farm signage. Of course, she remembered that nostalgic moment she had mentioned that name to me.
So, I tested my luck by placing a condition to sign the papers. Immediately, a defiance sparked on her face. But, her silence said the opposite. My condition was simple after all- just one more day of her time.
And that one day was worth every minute. Soon, I found ourselves back in our own little world- of smiles, laughs, with little space for anything else. A fear began arising that this bubble would break again and I tried to force myself back to reality but it was a failed attempt.
Suddenly, I was rudely interrupted by a throbbing pain in my head- a rock had pierced my head. It was the politician's henchman egging on a few farmers to attack me that I was trying to steal their land. They were yelling at me to leave as well.
A few more blows continued and I found myself weakened. I was worried for Jodha but found my strength leaving me unable to do anything else but reach out in her direction. Suddenly, I found myself in her arms- she was protecting me in a way only she could. She was taking the pain thrown at me as only she could. How I wished I could have saved Jodha from that pain at that moment but instead I was fainting ... I could not pull of the heroics of a film hero, no matter how much I tried. Luckily, my farmer comrades arrived to save the day and luckily, I blacked out only after knowing Jodha was safe.
I do not know how long I was in the zone of blackness- I was told a few hours. But, how could life change in such a few hours? As I opened my eyes, I was welcomed by the warmth of Jodha's tear on my face and a brightness that engulfed me. The brightness of Jodha's love, affection, and care brimming from her eyes. And, rejecting every rational protest of my mind, my heart and hands reached out to her and she accepted.
And our own little world came back little by little. With Jodha by my side, every moment seemed more fulfilled and gradually every void disappeared. Armaan Organic Farm grew to new heights, as did our bond.
One day, a few months later, I stopped Jodha as she buzzed around with her usual errands. She never sat quietly for a moment. A thought had been bugging me and I had to get it out. As she evaded me, I had only one option left and that was to corner her against the door. With her captive to me and my words, there was many things that came to my mind but I returned to the initial thought at hand.
Abruptly I began, "Jodha, something feels missing." Jodha looked ready to admonish me like a kid, "What do you mean? What is this pointless statement. Let me go." She thought I had different ideas.
Slowly I explained, "I am missing another Jodha- one that was calling the shots, running her projects, and proudly holding awards. I want you to think about what you want to do. You can do so much more than help me around the farm. Just think about it." She looked at me a part-surprised and part-amused, but she knew where I was coming from.
And she did think about it. She thought about the women in the village and their beautiful handicrafts and came up with a new distribution model to get more profits back to the village women. After all, she had become a marketing and advertising genius. The least I could do was help her with a few contacts and other logistics. It was a different feeling to see her own idea grow and expand- a proud-cum-happy-cum-emotional feeling that was hard for me to explain.
And another feeling I cannot explain is the day when another "Armaan" entered our world, our son. For the first time, I was truly at a loss of words for the happiness I felt. Our world of Armaan and hope was complete. And, I knew this journey of hope would continue as our little Armaan opened the doors of the next Armaan Organic Farm branch. As the village woman sang "Kesariya Baalam", I knew every calling of our hearts had been answered after all.
Edited by divyavm - 8 years ago
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