Beautiful Illusion updated chapter 41&42 on pg 16 - Page 5

Dr. McCormick looked at me, very shrink-like. "Why do you suppose that you are drawn to these types of men?"
"I'm not drawn to them, they're drawn to me."
Dr. McCormick looked at me. "Iris, what is the common denominator between these men?"
I was confused. "I'm not sure I'm following you."
"What kind of commonalities do these men have with one another?"
"Nothing."
Dr. McCormick stayed silent, watching me.
"I mean, they all dated me..."
Dr. McCormick's face changed.
I continued on. "They all dated me."
I thought about a friend from college, a huge guy who was probably on steroids. Every time he went out, and I mean every time he went out, he got into a fist fight. His best friend couldn't figure out what it was about Chuck that made guys want to fight him. I told him that it wasn't the other guys, it was Chuck.
My epiphany. They weren't attracted to me. I was attracted to them. But how did I know that these guys would turn out crazy when I first met them?
Dr. McCormick was continuing on. "Now, why do you suppose that you are drawn to these men?"
I didn't know.
She tried a different tactic.
"Tell me about your family."
"We all get along. My parents were always great to me."
"Tell me about your childhood."
"Well, I didn't have a lot of friends growing up."
She was interested, "And why was that?"

"Well, I was a shy kid, and I was always the new kid in school."
She looked at me, silently.
"My parents moved around a lot when I was young. Always around the city, into different parts of the city, and different school districts, too. So I was always new. I was always embarrassed to be singled out as being the new kid. I would come into a school right in the middle of the school year, and then would be in a different school the following semester."
"And how did that make you feel?"
"Well, I figured that the other kids didn't like me that much."
"Why was that?"
"It was very difficult getting involved in a new school. Kids are cliquey, and they really didn't want anything to do with me. I tried, though."
I looked at my hands, then bit my nails.
"There was one incident, in particular, that always stood out for me. Uh, this girl up the street was one of the popular kids in school. We were at the same bus stop, so we talked every morning. She never acknowledged me in school, though, never talked to me. Anyhow, I never got invited to spend the night with anyone, or go roller skating, or to slumber parties. So, when she invited me to her slumber party, I thought that I had made it."
I sighed, tears welling up in my eyes.
"I was the first one there, of course, because she lived across the street. Then, when each kid came to the party, and saw me there, she apologized to each one for my being there. Right in front of me, she told each one that she was sorry that she invited me, but her father made her invite me, because of the fact that I was at the bus stop with her every day. That memory is burned in my brain to this day."
I realized that I was really crying now, and Dr. McCormick handed me a Kleenex. I blew my nose, surprised that this long-ago memory could still affect me so much.

"Why does this story affect you?"
"Well, I just wanted a friend. I really wanted to be popular, but that was out of reach, so I just wanted any friend. I thought that she actually liked me, so that was why she was inviting me to her party. It was pretty crushing to find out that this was not the case. It was humiliating." I shook my head. I was 10 years old when that happened, but it was like it was yesterday.
Dr. McCormick looked at her watch.
"I'm terribly sorry, but our time is up. Would you like to schedule next week?"
"I don't know. I'll have to give you a call."
I walked out of there, the memory of my lack of popularity still burning in my brain, and still not really sure why I chose the men that I chose. But I did have the breakthrough that I was the one choosing them, not the other way around.
But what did that have to do with Ryan? He seemed like the most normal guy in the world when we met. I had no idea about his hidden issues at this time. Perhaps I sensed it. Perhaps I always managed to sense when a man had an edge, or had issues from the past. Even when I first met them. There was a part of me that recognized this about them, even before I could figure out who they were and what they were about.

I didn't attend therapy for the next few weeks.
Instead of therapy, I threw myself whole-heartedly into the pit bull rescue group. They were happy to have me working more again, as I was slacking off some after I met Ryan, I was ashamed to admit. I did five rescues in one week. One was abandoned, two were in a dog-fighting rings, and two others were strays who were staying at temporary homes. All of the dogs were friendly, even the ones who were in dog-fighting rings. Doing this work always made me feel important, and gave my life meaning, so it was good therapy for me. It was also a great way to take my mind off of Ryan.
I also tried to date. I dreaded the prospect, but I couldn't pine away for Ryan forever. I had to get back on the horse, so to speak. I just hoped that I wouldn't start crying in the middle of it.
Date #1. An accountant. Dweeby but cute. Was going ok until...
"So, what do you like to do?" I asked him.
"I like to go to NASCAR races."
"What else?"
"That's all, really."
Date #2. Another lawyer. Was going fine until...
"Could you give me a pair of your underwear?"
"Uh, uh..."
"I need you to wear the underwear for about a month straight, then give it to me."
Yeah, sure, buddy, I'll be getting right on that one.
Not.

Date #3. A professor. We hit it off until...
"You know, you would have been considered to be a very beautiful woman 100 years ago."
"Why only 100 years ago?"
"They liked bigger women back then."
"I wasn't aware that 25 extra pounds is considered to be bigger, but, ok."
Then, one day, in late October, I got a phone call.
Not from Ryan, but from Alexis.

I didn't really hate Alexis.
I understood her.
In spite of myself, I walked into Sullivan's the next day at noon. It was a Saturday, so there was a large lunch crowd of people who ordinarily wouldn't have the time for long, leisurely lunches. I saw her there, sitting in the back. She stood up and waved as I walked through the door, like she was waiting for me to arrive.
I made my way back to where she was. Alexis wasn't wearing much makeup for once, but she was more beautiful than ever. She was dressed down, wearing a simple sweater, jeans and boots, and a Louis Vitton purse. Her blonde hair was pulled up in a ponytail.
She still would turn every head in the place.
This is Ryan's ex-wife. This is who he should be with. They really should just get back together. They look right together. He doesn't look right with me.
I felt inferior to her, as usual. I, too, was wearing a sweater, but it was a sweater that I had picked up from a thrift store. The weather was getting crisp, as it was in late October, and the cold weather was soon to be upon us. As it was, the temperature was in the 40s outside. My pants were a little tight, as I was eating my way through my stress over the lack of direction in my life.
At the same time, I felt a little proud to be joining her. It was like the most popular cheerleader in school inviting me out to lunch in high school. I didn't belong there, talking to her or talking to Ryan, for that matter, and somehow, there I was.

I found myself feeling nervous for some reason.
She was smiling. She had already ordered me a drink. A dirty Keitel One martini. "Ryan told me how much you love these drinks, so I took the liberty to order you one. I hope that you don't mind."
"Not at all." I sat down, then downed the drink. I was going to need this drink.
Her blue eyes got wide. "Look at you! You go, girl!" She gestured to the waitress. The waitress was right there. "She needs another drink."
Like the first date with Ryan, I started to relax. The place was filled with people, talking, laughing. There were large parties who were getting boisterous, celebrating this event or that. It felt like a festive atmosphere. Plus, there wasn't any pressure, really. It was a woman I was meeting, not a potential mate, so I felt a bit more relaxed. I found myself getting in a good mood, in spite of myself.
I had another drink. I was now feeling a lot more relaxed. "So, girl, what's up?" I slurred.
She was smiling still. "I wanted to apologize about that last night we saw each other."
"Yes, you said that over the phone. What's really up?"
"Well, as I said, Ryan asked me to call you and talk to you in person."
"I don't understand. You guys aren't getting along." I didn't tell her that I knew about the blackmail. Somehow, I wasn't quite that drunk to accuse her like that. I also knew that if I brought that up, our conversation wouldn't go as well.

"Iris. Ryan and I have known each other since we were kids. I met him when we were both 13."
I didn't know that. I mean, he told me that they dated on and off, and did drugs together. I didn't know that they went back that far. Then I suddenly remembered that Ryan had once told me that he met Alexis in middle school.
She went on. "We might not always get along, but we always get each other."
"So, you guys have been talking?"
She looked embarrassed. "Well, yes. My meds...Ryan told you about my illness, right?"
I nodded.
"Anyhow. My meds were not quite right, so I spent a couple of months manic. I was off my rocker, unfortunately. And, I was doing way too many lines. Which, of course, made it that much worse."
I looked at her silently.
She continued. "It all came to a head. I was wired and out of my mind. I humiliated Ryan and probably scared you to death. And I'm sorry."
She seemed completely sincere. "Apology accepted," I said, putting my hand on hers briefly, and touching her forearm.
Alexis continued. "I also said some things about you. That was really not called for."
"Oh, you didn't say that much about me."
"I called you a toad. You aren't a toad."
I felt a bit embarrassed. "Thanks for saying that."
We both got another drink. She continued. "Apologizing to you isn't the only reason why I'm here."

I nodded. Of course, there was something else.
Go on.
"As I said, Ryan asked me to call you and meet you. I owe him this much."
"I don't understand."
She sighed. "I've treated him really shitty. He doesn't deserve that. He's never been anything but kind to me." She shook her head. "He doesn't deserve the way that I've treated him," she repeated. "So, when he asked me to do this, I agreed."
"But what does he want you to tell me?"
"He wanted me to explain things to you. He doesn't have the words to tell you everything."
Everything? There's more?
Of course there's more. There's something going on with the dad. Is Alexis going to finally tell me about that?
"What more is there to say? He has a male lover. It doesn't get much worse than that."
"I want you to understand why Nick is so important to him."
"I know about that. Nick saved him."
"Yes. But you don't know the whole story."
"Why don't you tell me?"
"I knew his father," she began, after hesitating for what seemed like a lifetime. "I met Ryan soon after his father divorced his mother. His father was..." She trailed off, visibly shaking. She gestured for the waitress, who was there in a few seconds. She ordered another drink for us both.
Was what?
She began again. "His father was very sick. Very sick. Ryan...well, his mother protected him when he was younger. Then, when they got divorced, there was nobody to protect him. Ryan was on his own, because his sister went with the mother when Benjamin and Maggie got divorced."

He has a sister?
She continued on. "His father did terrible things to him. When his father was with his mother, he physically abused him. He used to beat him with a belt for the tiniest things. If Ryan didn't wake up right at 7 AM, there would be hell to pay. If Ryan did not come to dinner at precisely 6 PM, there would hell to pay. Benjamin sometimes would just yell at him, but, sometimes, he did much worse." She shook her head, angrily. "Benjamin was a sick, twisted, sadistic son of a bitch."
I braced myself. There was more.
"His mother didn't agree with what Benjamin was doing, of course. His mother was a very kind woman. She was in over her head, though. She didn't quite know how to protect Ryan and Sarah. Sarah was four years older, and she was terrified of Benjamin. Maggie was terrified of Benjamin as well. Everybody was afraid of him."
I started to feel nauseated.
She continued. "Maggie and Benjamin divorced when Ryan was 10. I'm sure that he told you about that."
"Yes, yes he did."
"Well, Ryan found this out later, when he was an adult, but Benjamin threatened Maggie when she left the family. Benjamin told her that he would have Sarah kidnapped and killed if Maggie had contact with Ryan. Benjamin said that he would make it look like the person who kidnapped and killed her had it out for him because of his wealth. Maggie believed him, so she completely cut off contact with Ryan."

Now I was shocked. I expected that Benjamin would be a bas***d, but was not prepared for how much of a bas***d he really was. I mean, who does that?
"Meanwhile, Benjamin told Ryan that Maggie didn't love him, and that she left because of him. Ryan was only 10. He didn't know better. He believed what Benjamin told him about his own mother."
The waitress was back with our drinks.
"This next part is something that Ryan repressed for years. It has just now been coming up in therapy."
I found myself still questioning her sincerity. Why would Ryan tell her all of this? What if she was lying about everything?
She continued. "Benjamin...well, Benjamin was lonely after Maggie left." She shook her head. "Ah, f**k it. Benjamin was a sick pervert. He used to ask Ryan to invite young girls over to the house, and Ryan would do that. He would invite some girls that he knew in school. Then, Benjamin would molest them, would rape them. He got away with it because he was rich. The kids would tell, the mothers would get a new car, or whatever, and that was that."
I wanted to wretch. Now I was also visibly shaking. I felt hot tears welling up.
Alexis shook her head, tears in her eyes. "Benjamin continued to physically abuse Ryan. Scalded him with hot water, burned him with lit cigars, beat him, verbally abused him. Always told him he was a worthless piece of shit, always told him how much he hated him. What Benjamin did to Ryan was bad enough. However, Benjamin did even worse things."

Now I wanted to seriously hurl. I thought about excusing myself to go to the bathroom to decompress, but wanted to hear the rest of the story. Yet really didn't want to hear it, because I was becoming more and more depressed by the second.
She went on. "Mind you, these were the upper crust of society. Doctors, bankers, lawyers, businessmen, CEOs. These were the kinds of people who would attend these parties. These were not the low-lifes on the street. These were the most respected people in the city. Plus, these people came from all over the country to attend these parties. They would come from Chicago, New York, Los Angeles, Dallas, DC, Seattle, Pittsburgh - from everywhere around the country. They would fly in to attend these parties. And Ryan was made the guest of honor."
She rolled her eyes. "It makes sense, if you think about it. The men at these parties were middle-aged, paunchy, losing their hair. The women were the same way. Everybody was horny. Granted, the goal of these parties was for everybody to hook up with somebody, and all of Benjamin's bedrooms would be full of people during these parties. They would be doing threesomes with one another, while somebody else watched. Some of the rooms were reserved for bondage and discipline practices, and Benjamin would outfit these rooms with whips, chains, body bags, nipple clamps, leather suits, handcuffs, sex swings, you name it. Those were the hard-core rooms. Other rooms were more romantic, with fireplaces, wine and sunken tubs, where couples could just swap for the night. There were four-ways, and straight men blowing other straight men while their wives watched. Sometimes the wives would get gang-banged by four or more men while their husbands would watch."

I was just staring, shocked. Is this how the upper class lives? She continued - "And here Benjamin had this beautiful young man living with him. It was like a prize for everybody. Benjamin would force Ryan to attend these parties, and he would force Ryan to do things with the people at these parties against Ryan's will. And it didn't matter who was doing the requesting - men, women, married, single, gay, straight. Whoever it was who was asking to have a turn with Ryan, his father obliged. And Ryan was too scared to say no."
I started to feel that I was living in a dream. This story could not have happened. My Ryan could not have suffered like this.
She went on. "There was one lady in particular who attended these parties. She pretended not to be interested in Ryan. She was the only one, mind you. Everybody was into Ryan - every man and every woman there wanted to be with him. But she held back. She went to Ryan one night, and asked him if he would like to come home with her. Of course, Ryan said yes. He would've done anything to get out of there." She shook her head "He was only 14 at this time. He'd been attending these parties, on a regular basis, for over a year, at the time that she came to him to ask him to come home with her."

I stared at my hand, still gripping the latest martini. It was shaking uncontrollably. I put my thumb to my mouth and bit the nail hard.
She looked at me. "Well, you can imagine what happened. Benjamin willingly let Ryan go and stay with her, for as long as Ryan liked." She looked devastated. "Ryan thought that he was out of the hell hole. That he had finally found somebody who would take care of him, and not let bad things happen to him." She shook her head. "This woman was 34, 20 years older than Ryan. And, of course, she sexually abused him, every night. She probably thought that she'd died and gone to heaven, having his beautiful young man living with her, having sex with her every night."
I was perplexed. "Why would Ryan have sex with her?"
"Well, as he told me, it was better than having to go back to his father's house and be forced to attend the sex parties. So, he obliged her. He just didn't want to return to Benjamin's house."
"I don't understand. Why'd Benjamin let Ryan go to this woman's house?"
"This woman had a major account with Benjamin's company. A major account. If she pulled her account, it would have meant a loss of millions to Benjamin's company. So, he just let her have Ryan, so he could keep her happy."
Now I was feeling like I was going to throw up.

Benjamin wasn't so smart after all, I thought.
Alexis continued. "Anyhow, Ryan stood up to Benjamin, and threatened to turn him in. Benjamin wept, stating that he was sorry for all that he did. Ryan ended up not talking to the authorities about his dad. His father reinforced his silence by giving Ryan the de Kooning and the Cezanne."
"I've never seen the Cezanne."
"Ryan lent it to an art museum in Paris."
Mystery resolved.
"So, it had a kind of a good ending. Nick's father helped Ryan get into Harvard, and Ryan stayed there at Nick's house throughout his high school years. Ryan literally became like a second son to Nick's father, and Nick literally became like a brother to him." She sighed. "So, of course, they were best friends at Harvard, and they lived together all four years there. Ryan was doing drugs the whole time at Harvard, and Nick is, and was, as clean as a whistle. Nick wanted no part of Ryan's drug habit."
She now looked ashamed. "I, of course, did want a part of the drug habit. I feel so shameful about it now, but we were like Sid and Nancy back in the day." She smiled after seeing my face. "Well, an Ivy League School Sid and Nancy, but you get the idea."
I nodded my head, understanding her gist. There were Sids and Nancys everywhere, apparently, not just on skid row.

"So, you see, Nick means a lot to Ryan," she said. "An awful lot."
"But I don't understand why they can't just be friends."
"Well, the other is something that cements their bond. It brings them closer together. I know, I didn't really understand it so much, either. I did come between them a few times, though, if you know what I mean."
"Ryan and Nick are into that?"
"Sure. I mean, I was Ryan's girlfriend, and Nick definitely likes women, too, so he really didn't mind my joining in the fun." She smiled, apparently at the memory. "Good times."
"What's Nick like?"
"He's light, where Ryan is dark. Sandy blonde hair, green eyes. He's Irish, too, like Ryan - his last name is O'Hara."
"Is he as handsome as Ryan?"
"Well, nobody is as handsome as Ryan. Ryan could stop traffic on a busy highway. But, Nick holds his own. He's very handsome in his own right."
"He seems like a nice guy, too."
"He's a very nice guy. But he doesn't take shit from nobody. He does not suffer fools gladly. I think that Ryan was able to break away from Benjamin mainly because Nick let Benjamin have it. Ryan was afraid to tell the authorities, but Nick wasn't. If Ryan would've given the word, Benjamin would be in prison right now, instead of living off his family's billions for the rest of his life."
"So, Ryan stopped Nick from going to the authorities?"

"Oh, yes. Nick wanted Benjamin to fry for what he did. But Benjamin was still dad to Ryan, the only biological father that Ryan ever had. Of course, Nick's father became Ryan's surrogate father, so at least Ryan had some kind of benevolent father figure."
I was shocked, too shocked to say anything but "Wow."
"Yeah. Anyhow, as I was saying, Ryan is the nicest guy that I've ever known. He really is as thoughtful as he seems. After all he has gone through in his life, he should be hardened and mean. But he really isn't."
She shook her head, tears glistening in her eyes. "I blew it with him. Of course, I know that he told you about Paul, but Paul was not the first. I was cheating on him from the start, really. I don't know why I was doing that, except that I was suffering from bi-polar disorder, and didn't know about that disease - I hadn't been diagnosed at that time. I didn't know that one of the signs of bi-polar was that you could become very sexually promiscuous."
She looked at me. I tried not to look judgmental. "Of course, that probably sounds like an excuse, but I couldn't help myself. I mean, as you probably know, Ryan's libido is pretty healthy. He gave me all the sex that I wanted or needed. But I just needed even more. It was a high for me."

She sighed, heavily. "Anyhow, I blew it. I tried to make amends. Believe me, I tried. But Ryan just couldn't trust me anymore, so it was over. We had a tough time after we broke up for good and got divorced. I hated him, and treated him terribly. We had vicious words for one another. I was irrational, and I blamed him for the breakup. I justified my affairs. I told myself that Ryan drove me to these affairs, somehow. But, of course, he didn't. None of it was his fault."
I looked at her, remembering the threatening conversation that she had on the phone with Ryan not six months ago, that morning when I stayed over at his house. What changed? How had they become friends again?
As if Alexis read my mind, she said "Ryan and I have managed to get past the animosity. He helped me get stabilized on the right medication. He went to my doctor's appointments with me, and stayed with me for the first week that I got the new medication, to make sure that I was taking it the way that I should. And I have to admit, it's helped. Ryan would've been there for me, all along. I just had to stop fighting him and ask for his help. Which I finally did."
I smiled. This was sweet. She was sweet. I kind of saw that in her all along, but now I understood that she really was a good person. She was just sick, herself.

My heart went out to her. She really did seem sincere. I sighed. "So, I should go to his house and try to talk to him?"
"Number one, that's your house too." I looked at her, perplexed. "I know, I know, it seemed like he threw you out, but he was hoping that would be temporary."
"He hasn't even tried to call me. I've been at my mom's house for almost a month now." I was incredulous.
"About that..." She went on. "Well, to be sure, Ryan didn't call because he didn't want to pressure you. But also..."
But also, what? What now?
"Ryan is in Los Angeles right now. He's at a facility there in Beverly Hills."
"What kind of facility?"
"A mental health facility."
What? What the f**k...did my leaving devastate him that much?
Again, Alexis read my mind. "It wasn't all because you left. I mean, that contributed to it. But, mainly, it was because Ryan had repressed a lot of what happened, and it started coming back to him. I just found out some of the details, myself, when I visited him at his house before he made the trip to LA."
I sighed with relief. I would've been devastated to have been the cause of that much pain for Ryan. That I wasn't the one who drove him into a mental health facility relieved me greatly.
Alexis continued. "I mean, I knew about the father, but I didn't know the details about the sex parties and all the details about Rochelle. Ryan, himself, didn't remember about all that until a few weeks ago. Once he started remembering, the floodgates opened, and he had to check himself into a facility. It isn't a hospital, though. It's a beautiful, manicured facility that more resembles a resort than anything else. Ryan e-mailed me pictures of this place."

"How did he start remembering about Rochelle?"
"Well, of all things - he saw her. At a fundraiser. She shook his hand, and she wears a certain type of perfume. She had always worn the same type of perfume. When he smelled it, it all came flooding back to him. He started processing everything in his journal that night. He said that he wrote in his journal all night, then called into work the next day, and wrote in a fever throughout the day. He never calls into work, so, for him to do that - he must have been thrown for a loop."
"Do you think I should go to LA to see him?"
She looked at me "Duh! Listen, Ryan's in that place right now thinking that you want nothing to do with him. He thinks that you can't handle his relationship with Nick."
I just stared at her.
She continued. "You can handle his relationship with Nick, can't you?"
"Yes," I answered truthfully. Hey, bisexuality happens. I wouldn't be the only woman in the world who's dealing with this. Even John Irving had written a book about the topic. "Yes," I repeated. "I can deal with his relationship with Nick."
"Then what are you waiting for?"
"Uh, what do you want me to do? I mean, he's in the hospital right now, right?"
"Here." She produced a confirmation number for a plane ticket, one way, to Los Angeles. "You can use this confirmation ticket to leave at any time. I left it open for you, because I know that you don't necessarily have a ton of flexibility and can leave at any time."

Now I was dumbfounded. "Did you buy this ticket for me?"
"Yes, but don't worry about it. As I said, I owe Ryan a lot, and I've put him through so much. It's the least I can do for him. Oh, and it's one way, because I would imagine that Ryan will be flying you home on his private plane. That's how he got out there."
I blinked. Private plane. Holy mother of god. I wondered how much he really got from his father to buy his silence.
"I'll pay you back."
"For the last time, don't worry about it." She was looking kinda pissed now. "Why're you so insecure about things that people try to do for you?"
I don't know, maybe because nobody has ever done these kinds of things for me?
"Ok, then, I won't pay you back."
"Thank you." She looked at me meaningfully. "Now, listen to me. If you hear nothing else, if you take nothing else away from this conversation, know this. Ryan's in love with you. He doesn't fall in love easily. I think that I'm the only other woman that he has ever loved. Now, don't question it anymore. Just go with it. He isn't going to hurt you, he isn't going to lead you on, and he will never, ever cheat on you. With a woman, anyhow. You have a good guy there. Stop blowing it with your insecurities."
Point taken.

We talked for a few more hours, just two gal pals out on the town. She learned more about me, about my family and my background, and I learned more about her. I learned that she was neurotic, but sweet, and her heart was in the right place. I also learned, once more, a valuable lesson. That you always need to look closer at people's lives. You can't just assume that just because they have beauty and wealth that they aren't touched by tragedy, heartbreak, cheating, and everything else that plagues us mere mortals. They put their pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The old saw was true, and here was proof.
Ryan was proof of this as well.
Both of them were beautiful illusions.

I also got a thrill out of seeing palm trees and bougainvilleas, neither of which grow in Kansas City, because they need year-round warmth and would die in the frost and freezing temperatures. The purple ice plant, with its multitude of brilliant purple flowers, were also in bloom, as these flowers tend to bloom when the weather cools off a bit, as it was here in Southern California. Everywhere, there seemed to be new life growing, whereas back home, the life was going dormant already, and would not re-emerge until the following spring.
It was a little disconcerting, actually. I wanted to see bare trees. That was what I was used to, and that was what was comforting to me. This place seemed like Candy Land.
I arrived at my hotel, also paid for by Alexis, who wouldn't hear of being paid back for this, either. It was a five star hotel downtown, and my suite reminded me of a penthouse. It was at least 1,000 square feet, with two flat screen televisions, a sunken tub in the middle of one of the rooms, and two bathrooms done in marble and brass. Each of the bathrooms had their own enormous tub. There was also an enormous dining room table with a crystal chandelier overhead. There was artwork on the walls done in style of Tamara Lempicka, who was actually one of my favorite artists from the 20s. I'd flown here first-class, and Alexis was paying for my rental car, so, all in all, my little trip was setting Alexis back a pretty penny. Probably in the range of $15,000, considering that this room was easily $1,000 a night, probably more, and I was booked to stay for a week.

I had to admit that I was nervous to be going to see Ryan. It had been over a month now since that fateful day. How would he be around me? How would I be around him? How is he going to be, in general? I knew that he was depressed; at least that is what Alexis told me. Was I going to be welcomed here? Was he going to think that I was intruding? Alexis told me that Ryan wanted me out there to see him, and that was why she was doing what she was doing - for him. But the reality might be different.
I had to calm my thoughts before going to the Enterprise Rental Car place to pick up my Volvo that Alexis booked for me. It was tricked out with everything that I could ever need or want.
I arrived at the place at 5 PM, just when visiting hours were beginning. The place was a huge and looked like a five star resort, with the manicured grounds, reflecting pool, spa services, and horse stables. I was not wrong in thinking that this was probably the place where celebrities go when they are feeling "exhausted" or "dehydrated." I always admired Catherine Zeta Jones' decision to dispense with the bullshit excuses. She wasn't exhausted or dehydrated, she was battling bi-polar disorder, and she came right on out and told the world that. Gutsy.
The grounds were beautiful and perfectly manicured, and there was a little stream on the grounds with benches and picnic tables surrounding the water. I looked around, hoping that we could rendezvous out here a little to talk, and I had brought a blanket to lay on, just in case.

I was hoping for the best, expecting the worst.
I hope that there is the expected return on your investment, Alexis.
I went to the front desk. "Uh, I am here to see client number 23897," I said.
She looked at her list. "Ms. Snowe?"
"Yes." This was a good sign - he put me on the visitation list already.
"Could I please see some ID?" I handed her my Kansas Driver's License. "Do you have a second form of ID?" I nodded, handing her a debit card. "Thank you." She buzzed me in. "Room 324."
I hoped that I was not interrupting. I felt so nervous I could puke as I made my way to room 324.
It was a private room with plush carpeting, a leather love seat, a flat screen television and a queen-sized bed. In all, it was a cozy room, and the door was open. But Ryan wasn't there. I sighed, and sat down on the love seat to wait for him.
He arrived after about a half hour. I stood up as he walked into the room. He looked a bit tired, dressed down in jeans and a button-down blue shirt which brought out the blue in his otherwise green eyes. I let out a large breath, waiting for his reaction to my being there.
Without a word, he closed the door behind him, then walked towards me and took me in his arms for what seemed like forever.