Beautiful Illusion updated chapter 41&42 on pg 16 - Page 7

Finally, Ryan stopped shaking and sweating. He looked at me like he knew who I was. This was a good sign.
"God, I'm so sorry, beautiful. I, I...I don't know what just happened."
"I do. Dr. Silver would not be very happy about what I did tonight."
"What did you do? As I recall, there were two of us making love."
"Yes, but I'm supposed to look after you. I was supposed to make sure that I'm only interested in your best interests. I failed miserably."
I had dressed already. Ryan was still naked. He came over to me, putting his arms around me. "You're not failing me. We just have to be more careful. And I hope that I can get to a point where I can make love to you like before, without, uh, this happening."
I nodded. This was going to be touchy for awhile.
I felt like crying.
He noticed the look on my face. "Hey, come on. Don't feel bad. Now we know that making love right now is not such a good idea. We can still cuddle."
"What triggered this flashback, exactly? After all, we made love twice tonight before this flashback happened. Maybe if we can figure that out, then we can prevent this from happening again."
"I'm not sure. All of a sudden, you weren't you. You were her. I don't really know exactly what was the trigger for it, though."

I felt discouraged. If there was a certain move that I made that precipitated it, then I might be able to prevent myself from doing that in the future, and this wouldn't happen again.
It wasn't going to be that easy, alas.
Nothing in life worth having is ever easy.
He got dressed in some boxer shorts and a tank top. He always took my breath away with his beauty, and it was no different now. He made those boxer shorts and tank top look amazing. At the same time, it was going to be strange for us to sleep with pajamas on. Typically we slept in the nude with each other, because we always made love before falling asleep together.
Adjustments, adjustments. There was going to be hell to pay if Dr. Silver got wind of this.
We got into bed. I lay in his arms, him stroking my hair. It felt so familiar, yet so alien at the same time. I wondered if this was the new normal for us - me being afraid to be physical with him, him wanting to still seduce me. I hoped that we could survive this and come up with a way to negotiate these new circumstances.
He spoke. "I'm so sorry for scaring you like that. I feel awful."
"No, please don't. You can't help it if you have these flashbacks."
We slept in the bed that night, him clinging to me tightly again. Although the bed was king-sized, our actual bodies only occupied a very small portion of it.

The next morning, I took a shower while Ryan slept. Ryan was soon awake, and he joined me in the shower. He soaped me up, and tenderly washed my hair. He took a brush and scrubbed my back with it. It felt amazing, the brush exfoliating my skin. I returned the favor, soaping him up, washing his hair and scrubbing his back. I also shaved his face, which is a ritual that we enjoy doing to each other. I gently lathered his face with shaving cream, then stroked his chin, upper lip and face with a razor. He reared his head back while I was doing this. It was obviously giving him great pleasure. Usually, after our shower rituals, I would end up playing with him and blowing him in the shower and, if there was time, we would make love. However, this time, there couldn't be any of that.
I felt a keen sense of frustration.
After we showered, it was somewhat awkward. I felt selfish for wanting him, for wanting our lives back, our normal sex life. Making love had become such a part of our daily routine, and I hoped, once more, that we could get past this and either move into a new normal, where our physical life took a backseat, or, preferably, enter a phase where we could slowly get our sex life back on track.
After the shower, it was another full day in LA. We hiked Laurel Canyon and explored the city.

He went on. "Anyhow, Alexis and I are doing well, together, working on becoming friends. Because she has been there, all along, and she knows, first-hand, what I went through, she has become a good ally to me. That said, she's still unstable. She always has been. It's the nature of her illness."
I nodded.
He said "I've come to terms with what happened between her and I, and I really understand why she was sleeping around on me. I literally don't think that she could help herself." He took a bite of his gyro. "Anyhow, that's neither here nor there."
He now looked pensive. "Alexis can do some damage. She has threatened to in the past. She has told me that she will go to the press about Benjamin, and tell the press all that she knows about what he did to myself, my sister and, uh, her."
Her?
He looked embarrassed now. "Benjamin raped her several times. I'm not proud of it, that I brought her around, knowing that was what he wanted from her. I was pretty mixed up back then, though, always doing what I could to minimize what was happening to me. I guess it's the survival instinct." He looked away, ashamed. "Anyhow, if she goes to the press, it'll absolutely devastate Benjamin. But, I'm thinking of myself, here, too. I really don't want this getting out. Even though I've had enough counseling in my lifetime to know that what happened to me was not my fault, I, uh, still feel very ashamed about everything."

That makes sense. I squeezed his hand. I really felt for him at that moment, as I could see the vulnerability, the shame, the bewilderment.
Taking a deep breath, Ryan said "So, cutting Alexis out isn't going to be easy. It might throw her off the deep end, again, and this would put her back into blackmail mode. As I said before, keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Alexis is a special case, however, because she can be considered either a friend or an enemy. It literally depends on the day."
I didn't know her all that well, yet I could see his point. She was rather, should we say, volatile?
"I agree," I said. "About Alexis, I mean. The last thing that you need when you're trying to get better is to, uh, deal with her and her volatility."
He shook his head. "You don't know the half of it."
That was true. I didn't know how she might be on any given day. He did. He had known her for over half his life. Off and on, I guessed.
"Anyhow..." He smiled.
I smiled back. I had drunk iced tea at dinner, and I was feeling the familiar caffeine buzz. Caffeine did not always agree with me. Sometimes it made me depressed, which is a strange reaction. Sometimes it made me feel kinda high, which is another strange reaction. I usually tried to stay away from it, and I thought that the iced tea wouldn't have much caffeine, but I was wrong, apparently. And I found myself feeling nauseated, depressed and a little paranoid. I thought that maybe it was the combination of the caffeine plus all that was happening so soon. I had known this guy less than six months, and I was already involved in more drama than I had previously experienced in my lifetime. The whole thing made my head swim a little.

Again, he seemed to read my mind. Scary. "Uh, Iris, I kinda wanted to apologize to you."
I looked quizzical. "Apologize for what?"
"For sucking you into all of this. You're so normal, and it occurred to me that you belong with somebody, uh, a little less f**ked up."
I didn't disagree. I just looked at him.
Finally, I spoke. "Well, you do certainly have some drama in your life. Who doesn't?" I tried to sound carefree.
"True, but I think that I might be more drama than you can handle."
I shook my head. "Hey, as you said, my life, uh, is pretty normal. That means that your drama is the only drama in my life. Which means that I can devote my energies to you. And, hey, my life would be pretty boring without the drama." Again, I was trying to make light of everything.
He looked sheepish. "How much is my life's soap opera going to affect you and your life?"
I thought about my practice back home. About how much was no doubt blowing up, and piling up. If you are a solo practitioner, there is nobody to catch you when you are less than 100%. There is nobody to say "hey, don't worry about it, take some time off. It's handled." Nope, it was just me, and I knew that, when I got back, Ryan was going to have to take a backseat for a little while as I tried to untangle all the messes.

It wasn't fair. He shouldn't have to pay for the bad relationships and bad men that came before him. He shouldn't have to pay for the sins of others. The ones who cheated and lied. The ones who verbally abused. The ones who just didn't care, and that would encompass all of the men in college. I had been single for so long that I was starting to get jaded, to believe that all men have a fatal flaw of some sort, a defect that would preclude them from ever being the recipient of my heart. The scary part was that, for the most part, these fatal flaws did not manifest in all their glory until I had gotten to know them, and been with them for awhile.
They usually didn't manifest until about six months into the relationship.
I sighed as I realized that we were coming up on the sixth month. We met at the first of June, and here it was, November. At any moment, he was going to cheat or lie, or cheat and lie, or start to show a volatility of emotion that would be disqualifying. Not that I could blame him. Geez, if anybody deserved a character defect, it would be this guy, after all he had gone through.
Then I felt sad as I realized that my walls might lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy. I didn't want to be hurt, so I shielded myself. Because I shielded myself, I was more distant than I should've been. Because I'm distant, he would turn to somebody else. And the cycle would continue with the next guy.

I sighed. The clock read 3 A.M. Ryan was wrapped around me, sleeping soundly, not talking at all. I wished I could say the same. If only I could take a Benadryl. Those usually knock me out. But, extricating myself would be next to impossible, and I didn't want to wake Ryan.
So, I lay there obsessing.
Finally, it was 6 AM, time for Ryan to wake up. I gently pushed him, and he awoke with a start. He looked at me, without seeing me again, for just two seconds, then I saw his more familiar expression. He smiled "Oh, thank God. I was dreaming that you couldn't handle everything, and you left."
"You should be so lucky." I smiled.
He didn't smile back. "No, I'm lucky for just the opposite reason. I don't know why you stay, but here you are."
We got up, and showered in separate bathrooms. Then, both of us got dressed in silence. He was lost in thought, probably thinking about the day ahead. I really didn't know what to say, so I just didn't say anything.
On the way to the institution, Ryan stayed quiet. I felt a little paranoid, thinking that he was upset with me because of the way that I was keeping him at arm's length.
However, that wasn't it at all.
"I want to vomit," he said. "I've had such a nice weekend, I really don't want to ruin it with more talking about stuff that I don't want to talk about."

I nodded. "Living with him, actually."
"Okay. Well, do you have any questions?"
I looked embarrassed. "Uh, I don't know if I should ask this..."
She looked at me. "You and Ryan can be intimate as soon as he is ready."
"When will I know that he's ready?"
Ryan was looking at his hands. Then he looked at me. "I'll be ready, hopefully, now."
I shuddered, remembering the last time.
"Are you sure?" I asked him.
"No, but we have to try," he said.
Dr. Silver, surprisingly, did not shoot us her withering glance at this admission. She actually smiled. "That's fine, you won't know that you're ready until you try."
I looked at her in disbelief, then sighed. That basically meant that what happened before could happen again, and I wouldn't be able to prepare for it.
But the interview went better than I thought that it would. Maybe she was PMSing the first time she met with me.
Ryan came with me to return the car. I touched the car longingly. "Bye, car," I said.
Back to the jalopy. What am I saying? Back to life, back to reality.
I wanted to throw up.
I saw him watching me as I touched the car longingly. I turned around. "Come on, let's go."
We took a shuttle to the part of the airport which had the private planes. I figured that it would be like riding on a puddle jumper.

Was I wrong. The plane was the size of a typical puddle jumper, but the interior was all luxury. There was a mini-bar, a large flat-screen television, and a leather sofa. Even the bathroom was nice, with gold fixtures and an actual toilet. I was surprised that there wasn't a hot tub in there.
"Buckle up," Ryan said, pouring me a glass of wine, then taking his place beside me on the couch.
I did. The plane took off, and it was unlike any sensation that I have ever had. My stomach was in my throat as the plane lurched into the air. I felt a little bit woozy. The wine certainly did help, though, to calm my nerves.
Once in the air, Ryan touched my leg. "I love you," he said, for perhaps the 100th time. I had never told him the same, except that one time when he was asleep.
I smiled and said nothing, taking a sip of the wine. I squeezed his hand a little.
"You scared?" he asked.
"No. Well, a little. I've never been on a private plane."
"So, what do you think?" he asked, right as the seatbelt sign went off.
"Well, it certainly is better than the sardine can with crying babies behind my head."
He nodded, but I knew that he'd never flown coach in his life.
"Would you like to watch some television?" he asked.
"Sure."
He turned on the TV. There was a selection of movies at our disposal. We both decided on the movie Taken with Liam Neeson. I'd seen the movie before, and thought that it was pretty bad-ass. He thought the same.

He grabbed my hand, and rubbed it thoughtfully. I found myself wishing that the flight would never end. It was pretty cozy up there, just him and I on the leather couch. I snuggled up to him, and he stroked my hair.
"I can't wait for you to move back in," he whispered in my ear.

Well, "move back in" really isn't the phrase for it. The only property that I "moved out" were my clothes.

"Me too."
"So, what do you got going when we get back?"
I didn't want to think about it. "Uh, I don't know."
He looked distant.
"I was wondering if I could come by tomorrow. To your office. To help you get settled back in."
I looked at him. What about his job?
"Sure. But what about the bank?"
"I took a leave of absence. They aren't expecting me back right away."
I nodded. Must be nice.
We watched the rest of the movie in silence, him stroking my hair. I couldn't concentrate much, as I couldn't stop thinking of the disaster that no-doubt awaited me after being gone for three weeks. I could just imagine the volume of e-mails, letters, motions, etc., that awaited me.
This was the Sunday blues writ large.

My heart stopped when I read the return address from one of the pieces of mail. It was from the Supreme Court of Missouri.
This can't be good.
It wasn't good. It was a bar complaint from Rachel, the lady with the child custody case. I read the complaint, and realized that I really didn't have a good defense to her charges. Nonetheless, I tried to answer the charges as best as I could. I tried to comfort myself with the thought that most of these charges come to nothing, but, then again, I knew some classmates who had been disbarred for screwing over their clients.
After writing out my meager defense to what she stated, I looked at the second-most important looking piece of mail. It was also from the State of Missouri, but not from the Supreme Court. I opened the letter and read. It was a letter informing me that I was appointed counsel on a case where the state was trying to severe the parental rights of a neglectful mother.
I groaned inwardly, calculating the untold hours that I would spend, waiting in the crowded juvenile court room. The last time I had a case like this, I literally was waiting for four hours in the waiting room. Then, I was told to come back the next week, because the judge couldn't get to my case. One of these cases will suck up hours and hours of my time, and I wouldn't get paid for it. Plus, the hearings for these matters are endless, and go on for years.

Juvenile court was the ninth circle of hell.
There was one more piece of mail that made me nauseated. The IRS - they put a lien on my bank account for the back taxes I owed them. The lien was for $60,000, which meant that all of the money in that account, which pretty much only consisted of the money that Ryan wired me, was now gone.
"Crap!" Then I put my head in my hands. So much for the money Ryan wired to me. I started to shake. Now what?
Presently, Melinda came into my office. "Your gorgeous boyfriend is here," she said, fanning herself and giving me the face like "Oh, my god!"
"Hey," I said, without enthusiasm, after he came into my office.
He smiled. "I'm here to help you."
"What would you like to do?"
"What do you need for me to do?"
I gave him the pile of mail. "Just open these for me, and prioritize them, if you could."
He carefully opened every piece of mail with a letter opener. Within a half hour, he had every piece of mail opened and sorted into categories. Letters from opposing counsel was one category. Letters from judges was another category. Motions from opposing counsel for domestic cases was a third category. Motions from opposing counsel for bankruptcy cases was a fourth category. Judgments was a fifth category.
These were the only categories.
I was impressed. He knew what to do with each piece of mail.

"Would you like me to call any of these people?" he asked.
I nodded. I had to smile as he got on the phone with some of the other attorneys who sent me correspondence, asking them questions on my behalf. He knew the right questions to ask, to my surprise.
By the end of the day I had preliminarily tackled everything. With Ryan's help, I got letters out, answered every e-mail that I had to answer, and at least left messages to everybody who had called me. He was an enormous help.
Around 6 PM, I was ready to quit. It was a full day of playing catch-up, and I was able to make a dent in my three weeks worth of work in just one day, with Ryan's help.
"Thanks for all your help," I said.
"Please. You helped me more than you know by coming out to see me in California."
"Well, thanks, all the same."
He grabbed my hand, and we walked out of the building. I got in my car, he in his. I was going back to my parents' house to get my clothes, and would move back in that night. Ryan followed me to my parents' house so that he could help with that, as well.
That night, after I moved back in, Ryan prepared a bubble bath for me. Just for me. He had scented candles by the bathtub, and had even chosen a book for me to read in the tub. "Relax and enjoy," he said, smiling, as I got undressed and into the tub. I soaked in the tub, and I did end up relaxing and enjoying myself.

So much so that I fell asleep.
Ryan came in the bathroom to check on me, about two hours after I got into the tub. He gently nudged me awake. "Come on, sleepy head, let's go to bed." I staggered out of the tub and into the bed, and he lay down beside me. "Welcome home, beautiful," he whispered before I became unconscious again.

"Man, you need to come in the office more often!"
"I wish I could. But, alas, I have my own job to get to on Monday." He smiled. "But I sure have enjoyed helping you, for a change."
I sighed. I wished that he could stay here and help me. But, as he said, he had his own job to go to. A job that he hadn't been at for six weeks, now.