I was just recollecting whatever has been told by Moti&Salima Begum. Was in a split mind whether to believe their words about Jalal's concern for me or was it just the gratitude he showed to me for saving his life. They were even talking about Ruqaiya Begum was also concerned for my health and prayed for me. It had to be some miracle if she really cares for me or could that be some show off? The Ruqaiya Begum who was ready to trash me out of Jalal's life & Agra by snatching my room, how could she be so concerned? Just can't predict the people of Agra palace. The proverb is rightly justified here with Jalal and his Begum / subject "Yatha Raja, tatha Praja". When the king is unpredictable, so will be his wife or his subjects. Why am I my wasting my time & energy by analyzing their behavior? But how can I not ponder on that????
It was nice to have Ruqaiya begum personally enquiring about my health and then when she thanked me for saving Jalal from the impending death. But all that light heartedness was flushed out the moment she talked about the gift. How could she say those words that I can ask for anything but Jalal ? What will I do with the wealth when I don't have my husband next to me and how could she made such statement when even I am the rightful / lawful wife of Jalal? It left a sour and bitter taste even after she left the place? How can she be so selfish being the first wife of an emperor? Why did she talk like that as if I will have him captive and will not allow others to meet him? But all set and done what was the necessity for her to even worry about Jalal when he doesn't even give least attention to me and even doesn't want to see my face? Why she had to hurl salt on my already burning wound? What will she get by humiliating me so much? What have done to her that she is all set to insult me?
Why am I haunted with Ruqaiy begum's words? Why can't I forget them easily the way I used to do earlier? Is it really true that Jalal feels for me and may choose to continue his relation with me afresh? As his feelings were that transparent that even Ruqaiya Begum could feel insecure? Does that mean Jalal still think me as his wife and want me to share a cordial relation henceforth? Is it really possible? If not why will Ruqaiya mention his name as if he is something which I might ask as a gift? I am so confused and feeling nostalgic of all that is happening in my life. Why should any girl face such a situation whether her husband likes her or not, if yes, whether she can still like him or not, whether they can openly acknowledge their feelings to each other without hurting others in the process? Oph for all this there is only one solution and that is Jalal. I just need to find out from him whether he really cares for me and accordingly I can proceed. After telling much negative to him and calling him names, how can I straight away go and tell him I love him and would like to stay with him as his wife. What if he rejects the offer?
It was so easy to empty my soul in front of the almighty and also to the unconscious Jodha. Now that she is out of danger and completely awake, I am feel the butterflies in my stomach. How will I go to her and say I love her and have loved her ever since I lay eyes on her. However hard I tried to change that feeling to hatred, I was unsuccessful. Yes, I was hurt by her rejection the other night when she invited me to her room and then reject my wish (though it was her offer, not my request) and categorically told me that she didn't wrote any such words in her letter but I could not push her away from me. The reason I gave the world is that I want her to witness my happiness and she should go through the jealousy mode and she should realize what she lost in the bargain. That was the reason I grabbed the opportunity of Benazir's company just to show Jodha that she is nothing to me and I care none but with that did I get the peace I was looking for? So, I was ashamed to think of hurting Jodha whenever I saw her unhappy face. In my egoistic thought I felt Jodha started feeling jealous for Ben so kept up my act even when I was getting aversion to bear that Bold girl Benazir. How can any girl forget their decency and readily offer themselves to some unknown person, that too just for some money and fine jewelary? With every passing day with Ben and with the comments of my own people about Jodha, my respect for her was increasing in multi folds. Where is my Jodha, who wants only love in married relation and where is this girl who is all ready to warm someone for Lust? Knowingly or unknowingly, I have damaged Jodha's self respect, her respect as a Mughal queen and even questioned her sacred relation? Will she ever forgive me for all my crimes and accept me as her husband?
How will I go to her and confess my guilt? The best way is to ask her to forget the past and move on with the present. I will do this with the help of God and see what befalls on my fate. I will also try to understand what is there in her mind for me and this I can realize only when I know whether she was really jealous of Ben or not"
Itti Si Khushi Sab TV
Bade Achhe Lagte Hain
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