Those days were good indeed, when I had only hatred towards you, I could call you names, hurl the verbal arrows at you without fear of losing anything and anyone. Why I had to change, why do I care for you, your loved ones? Why Shehenshah? I know my heart gears up at your footsteps, my eyes gets additional shining just by the sight of that crooked smile on the corner of your lips, my cheeks burn like hot coal that one can roast papad on it just by remembering your name, my legs are no longer in my control, they just have their own way to meet you half way, be it the practice ground or the angan. My mind no longer is in my control. Why all these are happening to me? What was my fault?
I knew I should not feel all these things as I am not welcomed into the arena of JalaluddinMahammad'slife. There is no place in his life for a new comer, as his life was already flourished with his other Begums. An Hindu Begum was never welcomed there and has no values as well. As a rajvamshi princess, I value more to my pride and I also valued your pride. Yes I have been reciting the same words, that I hate you despite losing the grip over my soul. If I had to keep myself under control, I had instigated you to keep you away from me. And to succeed in that task, I had to hurt your ego every now and then so that you keep away from me. I thought by doing that, I can control my emotions but never knew that they are firming with each passing moment.
Ruqaiya Begum had accepted me as your wife, only because I had assured her that I will never grow feelings for you and will never get intimate with you. I have given her my assurance time and again, how can I go against my own words? Even you have assured Ruqaiya Begum that I am your wife for the name sake and you will never consider me as one. How can I make your words go hollow? Salima begum loves me like her own sister and how can I become her sauthane?
I know you grown feelings for me and that was evident in your every word and action. But tell me shehenshah, how can I be the reason for Ruqaiya Begum's broken faith on you? She loves you in her own way and believes that you can never get close to anyone else. She is already heartbroken with the loss of her child and at this juncture, I can be the cause for increasing her grief.
I have accepted you as my husband whole heartedly but can't reveal that to you, I am bound by my words. I had started nurturing our relationship in a beautiful garden of friendship and it was budding. On that fateful day, I was so happy that all the dark clouds hovering over your & Ruqaiya Begum's head had cleared and was too pleased with the concert of Pandit Ramtanu. So when you entered my room at that unsocial hour, I thought you were there to share you happiness about the concert and also about the immense support you got from your praja. But I was wrong; the one who entered my room was not my trusted friend, the respected Shehenshah but a drunken person looking for solace from me. He not only plucked the bud I had been nurturing since long time but also stopped watering that plant ever since that fatal night. How I could explain him that the flower I was growing was to submit to the lotus feet of my beloved and not to someone had only lust. I took your every insult as your hurt but never thought you started hating me so much that you were ready to neglect your safety just to show me wrong or to give some scornful reply.
Yesterday when you took me back to my room, I was hoping against hope that you have realized that I am your wife and only think of your safety. But you gave back my room just to show that I am no more than a refugee and as good as dead to you. You completely uprooted my plant of hope and love and threw it away so that it has neither soil nor water to sustain its life. As dutiful wife I have done my duty to save your life with the only hope that you will fulfill your husband's duty towards your other Begums.
You didn't allowed me to live in peace with all those cruel bashes and why are making it hard for me to LEAVE in peace. Why are you showing all this love & affection to me now that I canb't even leave peacefully. Jalal, I have already crossed to reached the other side of bank. I am tired and have no strength in to swim back (neither mental nor physical). Please stop praying for my survival, the more you pray, the more difficult it will be for me to leave you in distress.
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