Posted:
Before the end
It was a warm June night but he was shivering. I woke up in search of a comfortable position to sleep, instead I found him on the floor, near the open bathroom door. Nights like this, come with a certain emptiness that turns, twists and rips my heart. Every time I find him lying in such state, my mind becomes a bad catchy pop song titled 'This is it!' . It takes me a second to push my brain into the world of living, a minute to actually stand up properly and an hour to stabilise him after cleaning up the vomit and him.
" I am fine. "
Every time.
After each such lapse he repeats this line and I ignore it as per the ritual.
" You were supposed to drink up-to 40 mL. How hard is this to understand? I gave you the measuring cup. Why did we waste money on it if you you can't even use it Shivaay ? "
" Well...I couldn't just take it out in the party now, could I? This is stupid! "
It is so hard to believe that I married this man. I have this gnawing feeling that there was some brain in that enormously huge head of ego at some point. This man has changed so much, especially after the surgery. Insecurities does this to people, I think. It leaves an outer shell of pretense, ravishing the inside slowly. All his work to get something lost back, holding on when the rope has already gone, wanting something that doesn't belong to him anymore turn out to be just different trials to jump a black hole masquerading as a small puddle.
It gives a hollowness that is so hard to recover from. An effort just a tad too much for him now.
" What's stupid is an 80 year old heart patient emptying the wine bottle at his granddaughter's wedding and what is beyond stupid is him putting up a case for that. " I said rolling my eyes.
" I am not a kid...so you don't need to treat me like one Anika. "
" Well then stop behaving like one! " I blew in rage.
After giving out a sigh of eternal suffering, he crossed his arms pouting, resembling a kid with wrinkles and all the heat in my head cooled. Shakespeare was right. Man does become a child again in his last scene. Seeing him in this position I shook my head looking down, suddenly flooded by the memory of the day our marriage. We eloped and our friends helped us get married. A cheap white prom dress, picked from a clearance sale in the mall, made her wedding gown while pizza take out served as wedding feast. He was sitting on the table, clearly upset and very drunk on wine which was the only expensive part of the great wedding. He crossed his arms pouting because he couldn't give her 'The big dream wedding at plaza'. We made sure both our children got that special day with all pomp and show and now here we are, after our granddaughter's night sitting on the arm chair set facing each other with anger, irritation and a mutual acceptance of bearing each other.
Peering from my eyelashes, I saw him ready to get up, go to bed and end the discussion by sleeping off all our problems like a teen. Why didn't the time do it's magic and actually manage to grow him up?
" How could you do this to me? " I contemplated.
One thing I have realized in my 78 years on this earth is the selfishness of love. It trumps anger and revenge and lead the emotions in this department. You do not love a person for who he/she is but for what he/she makes you feel.
Happy?
Satisfied?
Nice or Good?
Special?
Loved?
Anything. Everything.
Love is not about the zoo in his/her stomach. Yes, you can appreciate or even desire one but the important aspect in this equation are so called butterflies and bees working hard just some way down your heart. Marriage, on the other hand, is accepting that butterflies will take its companions and die leaving a flood of emotions somehow more important than themselves. Everytime a person does, you will think about your loss. The dead don't feel. It's the people who remain behind that make a death problematic.Funerals, thus, become a way to say goodbye. This goodbye is for the ' Dearly Beloved ' , not a bundle of bones and muscles lying in a wooden box.
He whispered my name as he took my cheeks in a gentle hold. Giving a small kiss, he put one hand on my back urging me to stand up. We slowly treated towards the kitchen on our night adventure of chocolates. He fed me a single piece, wrapped the remaining and put it back in the fridge while I let a simple, tasteless, sugarless chocolate spread a smile on my face.
" You look absolutely gorge..."
"Don't even try." I interrupted. "Not going to work this time."
" Another piece? "
"No. "
This was a special day. How could he pull such stunt today. He should not have been that careless. I understand all his insecurities that age has given him a present and respect all his coping mechanism for them but this was not fair. How could he? How could he not realize? What if... What if he left me behind?
" OK...I understand that you are mad at me but I swear that was only for celebration "
" celebration by killing yourself? "
" I am not dead...am I? "
" Old men are supposed to be wise but you are not... Are you? "
He narrowed his eyes trying to scare me quiet but why he even attempts now is beyond me. He sighed, opened the fridge, took the whole chocolate out and lead me to the bedroom. With a hand on my back and other on the shoulder, he made me sit keeping the my only weakness in my lap.
"I apologize... No before interrupting... Listen." He glared. " I got excited. Om proposed an amazing idea and I just couldn't control myself. "
Sitting beside me, he entangled our fingers.
" I could never give you a proper wedding, so I... "
" Oh Jesus! " The words trembled out before I could even realize. I knew we had discussed this some years back but life and it's sudden curveballs never allowed us to actually think about the idea properly. " You are going to propose me now? It's been 55 years. Anna just got married. Are you still drunk? Did Rudra give you something? "
" First of all... Let me complete my lines you stubborn, interuppting, cribbing woman..."
And he did just that. Using all the cheesy dialogues that made me want to remove TV from the house, I might add but he did and I was about to say "No" before...
" Before the end, let's correct the beginning a bit"
And suddenly I remembered why exactly I married him all those years ago.
" So much have changed,
So much gone by,
But at the end,
It's just you and I "
Hi, I am Manavi!
This is my first OS and well I don't know anyone on this forum or how this turned out.
Hopefully it's coherent. Please tell your views on this.
Constructive criticism appreciated.
Thanks peeps!
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