Shivika ff: Repercussions & Fallout (Sorry and a question) - Page 3

Shivaay pov:

When I was small I used to be jealous when Rudra seemed to be calmer in Omkara's arms then in mine. It hurt when Prinku chose to learn how to waltz with Rudra then me. I was very jealous when my father chose to follow his elder brother's footsteps than help me out.As i grew older I thought I had finally outgrown frivolous feelings like jealousy. That it was beneath me to feel something like envy. After all I was Shivaay Singh Oberoi. A man people in the industry feared to cross paths with. I had everything, anyone could want. A home everyone would envy. A family anyone would cherish.

And then she walked into my life. Literally smashed her way in. Even before I trusted her, I was jealous of the attention she gave my brothers. When she told me that Om's eyes had an innocence that I could never hope to emulate I was beyond irritated. When she told me that I couldn't smile like him, I wanted to make her remember only my smile.

When she would smile and crack jokes with Rudra, but only argue with me I was hurt. But I still continued to fight and argue with her. Because it was OUR thing. She got along with everyone, but I was different...special.

When ACP Randhawa gave her more attention than was necessary, I wanted to throw him out of our sight.

And then walked in Daksh, and I finally admitted I was jealous. It hurt to think she might even belong to anyone else. I thought he was the ultimate torture, that nothing could possibly hurt more than seeing them make a rangoli together, seeing him hold her close and dance with her, seeing him protect her when I couldn't be there and finally she agreeing to marry him. When I realized nothing had happened between them I felt guilty...oh gloriously guilty, but along with that was a relief, a relief so deep I didn't realize how numb I'd become to pain.

I thought after marrying her, we'd be fine. The envy and insecurity would finally go away. But It only seemed to increase. Our relationship was never defined, our feelings never truly discussed and a divorce always seemed to loom over our heads.

Then she asked me to marry someone else, and I thought, nothing can hurt more than this. If I can bare her indifference, her nonchalance then I can survive anything. I sat in that mandap hoping she'd stop me. That she'd finally stop all the madness that she'd started. And she did it but not for the reasons I wanted. She hadn't stopped it for us, she'd stopped it because it was...simply put wrong.

I thought I knew jealousy. That over the years i had finally learnt how it felt. But then bloody Rohit happened, and i finally knew what real jealousy meant.

When she held his hand and told him she would leave me for that man I saw red.

I would have torn limb from limb if i were a lesser man. That she chose him to share her ridiculous plan with, that she faked her memory loss putting me through agony as I finally thought he'd lost her was just unpalatable. But the fact that that 6 ft n inches of male, who was obviously close to Anika, who made me feel like he knew more about MY anika than I did, knew her ridiculous plan was not an option. It shouldn't have happened. She simply shouldn't have.

As he dragged her to their room he made her sit on THEIR velvet couch, and paced the room. He didn't trust himself to speak until he was sufficiently calm. And for that she had to stay in front of him. Away from that vile creature.

"aap uss carpet ki oh my mata kardenge." She mumbles and I glare at her. The freaking carpet. She's worried about the carpet?!

"agar tum aur kuch bhi bakwaas bologi to ye carpet nahi, main tumhara oh my mata kardunga."

"acha tho aap apne sunder carpet pey chalte raho. Main chali neeche." I pin her down to the couch as she start to rise.

"Don't Anika" I whisper and watch as she gulps, following her throat. She sees me stare and I feel her flush. A delicious red. I grit my teeth and step away. If she riles me any more further, I will take her here and now on the couch. My whole body tightens instantly and I take another step back, just in case.

I turn away from her, my back facing her. I don't want her to look at me as we talk. I don't want her to see I have fallen in love with her. Not after she told me that she doesn't believe in it. That she thinks its stuff that exists only in movies. How can I blame her when that was what I thought till I met her? I'd rather offer her the convenience she deserves. I'd offer her the security of a home. I know she isn't a gold digger. But i just want to offer her the security of a life without monetary worries.The one she had to work so hard for. It would kill me, no doubt to love her, knowing she can't return it. But I was far too deep before I could do anything about it.

"agar aap ko baat nahi karni tho bahar itna tadi kyun maar rahe the? Wahan tho badi badi dialogs maar rahe the. Aap tho mujhe dekh bhi nahi rahe."

"who the hell is this Rohit?"

" wo...wo..."

"wo kya anika?" I ask, my heart sinking as I see her hesitate. I turn towards her. Suddenly I need to see her face. I need to know how much he means to her.

"He's a childhood friend Shivaay. We grew up together." Not good.

"Why..why does he know about us? Why did you chose him anika? Why did you ask his help?"

"Because I trust him Shivaay. And he trusts me. He's family." My heart stops.

How can i ever compete against family?

"Why didn't you tell me anika? Why did you not come to me? Why can't you trust me?"

"I trust you Shivaay. Explicitly. That is not our problem. The problem is you don't trust me."

"I do Anika! I do more than anyone, more than anything. You're blind if you cant see that."

"Maybe I am blind Shivaay, so tired of listening to your never ending accusations that its become easier to be blind."

"Excuses Anika! Just excuses. The truth is, you chose him over me. That's what hurts. I want you to come to me when you have a problem. I want you to share your worries with me. And when you're trying to save me, I want to know that. I want to know everything about you. And I don't want anyone else between us." I whisper the last part, pushing a strand of her hair behind her ear. She looks so beautiful...it hurts. She stiffens and her lips part as she gasps. She is affected by me. Suddenly I feel ten feet tall. I bend down and she goes still, in what I think silent invitation. She suddenly pushes away and I feel like groaning.

"Why Shivaay? Why do you want all of that?"

"Because...because you are my wife Anika. My responsibility." Because I love you.

"That's all?" she asks, her voice a silent whisper. "What happens next Shivaay? I need to know"

This is it. I choose my words carefully. "I want us to stay married Anika. I want us to try"

I want you to stay away from him. Be mine.

"For how long?"

"Till either of us can't take it anymore"

Forever my love, forever.

"Okay" her soft acquiescence startles me. Maybe we have hope.

"I want you to be aware of the whole package." I say slowly dipping my head.

As our lips meet I finally understand what it feels like to be home. At first she seems startled. And then she starts kissing me back, and I lose what little control I have. My hands slide down to her bare waist, clutching her like I've wanted to do all day, like I've wanted to ever since I've met her. Her soft moan only urges me as I slowly lower her to the carpet. Neither of us parting, even for a breath. I try to move her pallu when she suddenly grabs my hand.

"No Shivaay. I'm...I'm not ready"

I flush. Surprised by how far I'd taken it. I hadn't meant to go that far. What I hadn't factored was the sheer temptation that my wife was.

"I'm sorry Anika. I will wait. I didn't mean to go that far." I say watching her blush. "But I need you to know...I want you. I've always wanted you. But I will wait till you want me the same."

She starts to say something but I stop her with my finger.

"You should sleep. You must be tired."

"uh...hmm"

I pick her up before she tries to move and place her on our bed. Watching as she turns to her side and closes her eyes.

I walk out of our room, feeling marginally better. That is before I see the family. They were laughing about something, something Rohit said. And while I know she is mine...I don't know if that will last.

As he tells everyone about him and Anika, I know I need to apologize. But I hate the way he seems to think he has a right over her. She's my wife godammit!

When he and O hug, I feel betrayed. Oh I do feel glad for O. But I should have been there. As O turns, our eyes meet and I don't want to know how I look. As he calls out to me, I stride back to my room, knowing that the only thing that might calm me, would be to simply watch my wife sleep.